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Post by attach3d on Jul 12, 2020 3:28:46 GMT
So at the time I'd made this list of the more negative qualities of someone I was seeing, who left rather abruptly, leaving me bewildered, I didn't even know about attachment styles. Little did I know this list would be the start of an interesting journey:
1) Defensive coping mechanisms easily triggered. 2) Holds on too tightly and too long to (hyper-focused on) perceived faults, negativity and offenses. 3) Riddled with insecurities. 4) Excessively guarded. 5) Victim mentality. 6) Does not love "in spite of" but "because of." 7) ALWAYS late. 8) Often absent. 9) Poor relationship mentality. 10) Claims to hate conflicts yet constantly creates them; deals by running, hiding, and cutting people off. 11) Inconsistent. 12) Flip-floppy, wishy-washy. 13) Black and white thinking; struggles with nuance. 14) Introduces chaos and disconnection. 15) Toxic.
What attachment style is most congruent with this list?
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Post by annieb on Jul 12, 2020 3:51:02 GMT
Dismissive avoidant in my opinion.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 12, 2020 5:35:49 GMT
Insecure attachment styles don't necessarily mean someone is terrible, it means they have some maladaptive coping mechanisms. Something like you're describing is more likely to be comorbid with other mental health issues, such as a personality disorder. Pathological black and white thinking is also known as dichotomous thinking, which is often a symptom of cluster B personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder. Here's a very technical research paper discussing it if you're interested. onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1468-5884.2012.00515.x |
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Post by attach3d on Jul 12, 2020 12:36:36 GMT
Dismissive avoidant in my opinion. Hmmm... or possibly FA leaning DA? |
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Post by attach3d on Jul 12, 2020 12:42:18 GMT
Insecure attachment styles don't necessarily mean someone is terrible, it means they have some maladaptive coping mechanisms. Something like you're describing is more likely to be comorbid with other mental health issues, such as a personality disorder. Pathological black and white thinking is also known as dichotomous thinking, which is often a symptom of cluster B personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder. Here's a very technical research paper discussing it if you're interested. onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1468-5884.2012.00515.xThanks. I'll have a look. Wouldn't say the individual's terrible at all. It's just sad how people can 'change' -- and not for the better -- as you form a bond with them. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 12, 2020 14:15:41 GMT
Your last point... Toxic... is why avoidants of any type are reticent to share here.
If I honestly felt enough, actually didn’t want company with someone and had the courage of my convictions, I would be a DA in a heartbeat. Peaceful, serene, oblivious. Get on with my life without the mess. As we’ve seen on this board, the thawing out process for a DA is really hard, as it is for others trying to change.
Who would choose the inner terror of an FA? Flip flop? You’re describing an FA. That Anxious until triggered, avoidant after, then rinse and repeat. Everything you’ve spoken about. Toxic? It takes two to make a relationship toxic. One doesn’t happen without the other.
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Post by attach3d on Jul 12, 2020 16:18:25 GMT
Your last point... Toxic... is why avoidants of any type are reticent to share here. If I honestly felt enough, actually didn’t want company with someone and had the courage of my convictions, I would be a DA in a heartbeat. Peaceful, serene, oblivious. Get on with my life without the mess. As we’ve seen on this board, the thawing out process for a DA is really hard, as it is for others trying to change. Who would choose the inner terror of an FA? Flip flop? You’re describing an FA. That Anxious until triggered, avoidant after, then rinse and repeat. Everything you’ve spoken about. Toxic? It takes two to make a relationship toxic. One doesn’t happen without the other. Insightful, mrob . Overall, I enjoyed the individual and our relationship. "Toxic" here refers to something I'd spoken with them about several times: standing their ground amidst adversity. Too inclined to run from and not resolve things, or even find peace within the storm's midst. A lack of resolution builds up in people over time and fuels negative thinking. Our social circle was limited through this, I'd say insecurity-driven, 'avoidance' of various others. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 12, 2020 17:12:30 GMT
Your last point... Toxic... is why avoidants of any type are reticent to share here. If I honestly felt enough, actually didn’t want company with someone and had the courage of my convictions, I would be a DA in a heartbeat. Peaceful, serene, oblivious. Get on with my life without the mess. As we’ve seen on this board, the thawing out process for a DA is really hard, as it is for others trying to change. Who would choose the inner terror of an FA? Flip flop? You’re describing an FA. That Anxious until triggered, avoidant after, then rinse and repeat. Everything you’ve spoken about. Toxic? It takes two to make a relationship toxic. One doesn’t happen without the other. Insightful, mrob . Overall, I enjoyed the individual and our relationship. "Toxic" here refers to something I'd spoken with them about several times: standing their ground amidst adversity. Too inclined to run from and not resolve things, or even find peace within the storm's midst. A lack of resolution builds up in people over time and fuels negative thinking. Our social circle was limited through this, I'd say insecurity-driven, 'avoidance' of various others. Please, I’m not into victim bashing. What often happens is hurt people come here with a ton of resentment and can’t see the part they played in the dynamic. What happened with me was that I made compromises that most people would consider normal and reasonable, but would be huge for me. Then the other person still wanted more. I felt taken over. Engulfed. No longer a person. It took a while. I went to counselling to stave it off to no avail. Under those circumstances there feels like no way out of the storm. When triggered. I feel like I’d be better on my own. What resolution is there between oil and water? I’m not saying this was entirely accurate, nor am I saying that I was reasonable, but that was what was behind it. If you haven’t read into fearful avoidant, some call it disorganised attachment, I suggest you do. |
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Post by attach3d on Jul 12, 2020 17:30:04 GMT
Please, I’m not into victim bashing. What often happens is hurt people come here with a ton of resentment and can’t see the part they played in the dynamic. What happened with me was that I made compromises that most people would consider normal and reasonable, but would be huge for me. Then the other person still wanted more. I felt taken over. Engulfed. No longer a person. It took a while. I went to counselling to stave it off to no avail. Under those circumstances there feels like no way out of the storm. When triggered. I feel like I’d be better on my own. What resolution is there between oil and water? I’m not saying this was entirely accurate, nor am I saying that I was reasonable, but that was what was behind it. If you haven’t read into fearful avoidant, some call it disorganised attachment, I suggest you do. I have read it, mrob. Now your perspective -- that of one who has lived it -- is helping me gain better understanding of the underlying dynamic. Thank you. Ultimately, I'm here to heal and learn compassion. |
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AM
New Member
Posts: 41 
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Post by AM on Aug 3, 2020 21:06:01 GMT
"Trauma breeds further trauma; hurt people hurt other people." Bessel van der Kolk
This post has pointed out much trauma and it's aftermath, and as long as one continues to live in denial and ignore it's origins, they are bound to fail. I'm so sorry, true healing is impossible on 'one's own" and without the recognition that our brains are wired for social engagement and social bonding, it's our survival as a species. As seen from the above posts, trauma interferes with common humanity and common destiny as it's encoded in heart-breaking and heart-wrenching sensations of fight or flight states in all their various Insecure forms, toxic or otherwise.
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