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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2017 18:14:54 GMT
I just bumped into the DA ex - strangely enough having made a concious decision not to engage with him since it was repeatedly causing me pain, I went for a swim in the sea, he appeared when I was in the water and we ended up arriving back on shore at the exact same moment - I had a choice, freeze or get out and deal with it so went for the latter.
I have reached the point where I simply don't know what to say - I am not willing to pretend everything is fine any more and be light and breezy as I so often was in our relationship - but I'm not angry either - it is what it is and I am responsible for my own actions now.
I know from a mutual friend that he's been struggling - but whenever we meet and I ask how he's doing it's inevitably Very Well - there is never an admission of anything dark, sore, painful etc etc we talked for a couple of minutes and then he very suddenly got up and almost ran to his car and drove away. Bizarre.
In our relationship it was just like this - no admission of feelings, a bit like being with a robot, despite the fact that I suspect he does feel very deeply, nothing external at all. Is this something that other people have recognised in their DA/FA partners?
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Post by serene13 on Sept 16, 2017 18:26:19 GMT
Absolutely. DA I knew admitted to being a machine, a robot, AI, whatever you want to call it. Never a bad day - always fine. Would get upset and deny if I suggested otherwise or that I knew better.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2017 18:50:34 GMT
Absolutely. DA I knew admitted to being a machine, a robot, AI, whatever you want to call it. Never a bad day - always fine. Would get upset and deny if I suggested otherwise or that I knew better. Any idea why this is? I know this man thinks incredibly deeply about everything - admits to being lonely and feeling isolated and yet in casual interaction which is pretty much all he does, he always says he's thriving. Wierd - he ran off without even saying goodbye, as though he'd been stung by a wasp or something.... |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2017 20:20:12 GMT
jebkinnison.com/2014/08/16/avoidant-emotions-repressed-beneath-conscious-level/Just found this - which explains things beautifully - if at any point an emotional trigger becomes overwhelming the DA will act in all haste to reset the balance, to prevent having to feel and experience. I am sure my ex DA used alcohol in this way - and work. Being overwhelmingly focused on one activity crowded out the things he didn't want to think about or feel.
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Post by serene13 on Sept 17, 2017 0:18:43 GMT
They may suggest that they never experience the feeling of loss, but that is because their brain as acclimated to shielding them from that feeling. The DA I knew felt he could be this way until he decided he needed to do better, like he could flip a switch. I think it will be much more difficult that that.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2017 12:30:06 GMT
Yes, I have yet to meet a DA who has expressed certain sensitive emotions such as empathy, tears, emotional depth. I've seen happy, angry, depressed, stressed, but not empathy and tears. Another thing that bothered me is a sort of "flashing" fleeting moment on his face when he would look particularly sharp, his eyes flinty, as if he is suddenly alert to some suspicious thought, out of the blue and very unnerving.
That is now a big red flag.
I've seen that in a couple of other disordered people I've known. Did you notice anything like that?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2017 13:11:31 GMT
Yes, I have yet to meet a DA who has expressed certain sensitive emotions such as empathy, tears, emotional depth. I've seen happy, angry, depressed, stressed, but not empathy and tears. Another thing that bothered me is a sort of "flashing" fleeting moment on his face when he would look particularly sharp, his eyes flinty, as if he is suddenly alert to some suspicious thought, out of the blue and very unnerving. That is now a big red flag. I've seen that in a couple of other disordered people I've known. Did you notice anything like that? I noticed brief flashes of vulnerability - ones he would rather nobody had noticed, when he thought nobody was watching. I saw a constant kind of bland happiness - or at least I didn't really see it as such, but when asked that's what he would express. A few times since we've split I have seen him suddenly spot me and a look of something akin to sadness or at least discomfort crosses his face - then it's gone and back to everything being fine mode. I wonder if we stay with these people whether we also get drawn into this quelling of emotions. I am not naturally emotionally expressive (ASD) but that doesn't mean I don't feel, it just doesn't show on the surface and I am pretty calm most of the time. Ex seemed, I thought, to be like me and I thought he was ASD - nowadays I'm not so sure, it's more complex than that. ASD handicaps me in relationships because I need time on my own, sometimes don't know what to say, like a peaceful structured life. In some ways this may come across as avoidant - people who are much more emotional than me are simply not a good match because I can't deal with the associated disturbance. I don't come across as a classic DA or FA though since I do want to connect and am super honest and upfront, happy to share myself and not commitment phobic in any way. Ex however shows all the classic distancing you'd expect from a DA - the coming close and then running away, the alexithymia. We are both, to some extent conflict avoidant so for all these reasons our relationship worked. What didn't work was that he was so protective of himself that I began to matter hardly at all - I became a non person in the shadow of his work, dog, daughter, terrible life anxieties. There was just nothing left amongst all this for me - no "relationship" I was there to serve him and his wants and happiness and there was very little reciprocation. |
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