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Post by gaynxious on Sept 18, 2017 23:53:01 GMT
I'm curious how attachment theory affects the desire to be a parent and ability to parent.
I'm familiar with a few assertions that avoidant's make sub par parents because of their enability to anticipate and fulfill their children's emotional needs. I also hear stories about how after divorce avoidant's often check out on their children or refuse to bare much of the burden of parenting and force their exes to either do most of the work or fail their children.
On the flip side I hear that anxious parents can be overbearing, manipulative, and even emotionally incestious. Putting the burden of regulating their emotions on their children. After divorce I suspect they are likely to play martyrs, bearing responsibility that is not requested or necessary and complaining.
I'm curious if anxious people have children out of a felt need to be loved unconditionally. I know one anxious man that seems to have ideas about how he can control his children through being a good dad but also a stern disciplinarian. He mentions that he would kill any girl that got pregnant by his sons and her family to ensure he would be the one raising his grandchild. He's also mentioned something about getting the children he deserves for all he has been through in life. Frankly I find much of it disturbing. A guy he has recently started seeing seems to rightly be asking questions about what would happen if they had kids and they break up and he said if you try to take my children I would kill you, and they will be my genetic children to ensure the judge grants me custody.
Is this attachment issues at work or likely something else?
What is an avoidant's motive? I assume they wouldn't want children but some must. Is there a thinking that children will fix something about them or do they have more secure like motivations?
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 30, 2017 0:32:26 GMT
Depends on the person. I think I am probably avoidant in my marriage, but I'm an involved parent who is responsive to my children's emotional needs. I am not sure why this is easier with children than adults. It is easier to be giving to children, and to work to be a better parent than one's own parents. It is easier to be unconditionally loving to children than adults.
Regarding the stories you are telling, no way should someone have kids with someone who is constantly threatening to murder people. Even if he means it as a metaphor or exaggeration, big red flag!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2017 5:06:42 GMT
Keep in mind, Avoidants can sometimes evince a normal degree of affection for their children.
It's just towards their spouse/partner that they withhold affection almost entirely.
I have seen it for myself. It carries with it all of the wonderfulness of gaslighting in pantomime. I would have to say it's one of the more acutely bizzaro, Kafkaesque manifestations of their dysfunction.
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Post by emkaye on Oct 6, 2017 15:10:55 GMT
I was raised by an avoidant father and secure mother. My relationship with my father was sometimes distant and strained as was his relationship with his own father. I don't have any children and I thank God for that as I would have passed my insecure behavior on to my child. I guess in a way it's God's way of telling me that I would not have been the best parent. As a woman I never yearned to have children. I wasn't necessarily against having children, it just wasn't a priority. At my age, I most likely will never have biological children, maybe step-children at best. I am fortunate to know about attachment theory now so if I would ever have step-children in my life I would be better able to accomodate their needs and not repeat the trauma that I experienced being parented by an avoidant.
I consider myself to be a fearful-avoidant and in my case I was always waiting for that perfect man to make me whole, to give me that unconditional love and understanding that I never had. In the end, it's about unconditional love. I believe that's why most avoidants are also very attached to their pets. A pet is a perfect example of one who gives unconditional love. So whether it's a partner, a child or a pet, it's that need to feel unconditional love which ultimately drives us.
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Post by gaynxious on Oct 6, 2017 18:24:50 GMT
I was raised by an avoidant father and secure mother. My relationship with my father was sometimes distant and strained as was his relationship with his own father. I don't have any children and I thank God for that as I would have passed my insecure behavior on to my child. I guess in a way it's God's way of telling me that I would not have been the best parent. As a woman I never yearned to have children. I wasn't necessarily against having children, it just wasn't a priority. At my age, I most likely will never have biological children, maybe step-children at best. I am fortunate to know about attachment theory now so if I would ever have step-children in my life I would be better able to accomodate their needs and not repeat the trauma that I experienced being parented by an avoidant. I consider myself to be a fearful-avoidant and in my case I was always waiting for that perfect man to make me whole, to give me that unconditional love and understanding that I never had. In the end, it's about unconditional love. I believe that's why most avoidants are also very attached to their pets. A pet is a perfect example of one who gives unconditional love. So whether it's a partner, a child or a pet, it's that need to feel unconditional love which ultimately drives us. Interesting, I was raised by an avoidant father and a secure mother who died when I was 13. But I turned out anxious. When I was younger I wanted children very much, likely to make myself happy. Now I know I am too selfish to be a good parent and really see the whole parent experience as unrewarding. I liked being a kind of uncle to one of my friend's kids for a time. And now I am in a casual relationship with an anxious man who is seeing someone else romantically and talks about me being an uncle to their children some day and I like the idea while knowing I would want a very limited role. |
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Oct 23, 2017 20:08:12 GMT
Hello everybody who has posted here, I will shed some more light on how some kids take their parents traits if left untreated.
My mother is a full textbook FA. My father a mild DA. They divorced when I was 10. Even from before that age, my mother would seek emotional support in me. Some other days she would be distant and cruel, punishing me with silence treatment for days if I started an argument or acted rebelious. She also manipulated me not to see my father for many years, which I eventually did in my early 20s. Guess how I turned out?
Yeap. I consider myself to be a textbook FA. I have a hunger for affection, for being accepted the way I am and not being punished for not being perfect. On the other side, since I became my mother's emotional support when it should have been the other way around since she was the adult, I feel overwhelmed when my partner is in distress or when intimacy becomes serious. So I started a pattern that reflected a similar behavior my mother had with me. I never had problems attracting guys (perhaps never a secure guy) therefore I had some short shallow relationships. I would slowly get tired of them, finding excuses to push them away, punishing with less sex or silence treatments or no eye contact. When they would get tired of such mistreatment, they would break up with me, and thus I was transformed into the victim who gets dumped, and start clinging to the ex who just left me, idealizing the past relationship, etc.
13 years of this behavior since I started dating. And I only recognized the pattern 2 months ago, when my last ex dumped me.
It took a great amount of pain to open my eyes. I dont know what it will take to change my behavior. My hopes are low. I dont want to hurt more people and I dont want to hurt myself anymore. And I do want a partner for life, to be unconditionally loved by him, and start a family of our own. Truth is, it may get too late before I can start relating in a healthy way.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 7, 2017 2:30:44 GMT
Comeheregoaway, take heart. You have a lot of self insight to work from as a starting place. If you truly want to have a child and raise them in a secure way, it isn't impossible. Keep up the faith in yourself that you can learn and grow and change.
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