Post by blacksnow2 on Jul 31, 2020 17:13:47 GMT
Hello. I wanted to put this out there for my sanity, mostly. It's an update of where I'm at right now in terms of healing from past trauma and changing my FA attachment style.
I've mentioned before, many times I think, that "I'm on my way" to being secure. Honestly? Some days it really doesn't feel that way. Almost every day there is something new I realize about myself that I do out of insecurity, and almost every day I process new trauma that makes me realize this will take as long as it needs to take, and there's no way I could put a number or a deadline on it.
I say a lot of things and sound so sure of myself sometimes, coming off as if I know everything, but in reality I don't know all that much. In fact, for me this is a coping mechanism. So much of my past interactional patterns with people, but especially those who trigger me, were made up of 2 main strategies: 1) being a chameleoning doormat and 2) being an avoidant stoic.
The first strategy had me taken advantage of by many people. The second strategy involved putting up walls and creating narratives about myself in order to protect against rejection. This is mainly what I want to talk about. The avoidant side of me that I'm stripping off.
I don't feel vulnerable enough yet. I don't mean that I want to walk around wearing my vulnerabilities on my sleeve, but that I'm not authentic enough in my vulnerabilities. I'm not secure in my insecurities, if that makes sense. I make up for this via walls, rigidity, a vibe that pushes others away, and abrupt communication. It's hard to relax and just 'be'.
The interpersonal energy I put out changes daily now. I'm tweaking so much, it's all part of healing. I'm becoming more emotionally available, no more repressing. And now I understand why I repressed so much. Because it really hurts. I can feel my emotions more freely, and there's so much pain and abandonment at my core. I feel naked and sort of pitiful.
On the other hand, the world seems a lot brighter. More expansive and colorful. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. There is "more" to me, my experiences, and my perception. These are uncharted waters so it really feels so weird.
Looking back, here is something I noticed. At first I had to peel off the layer of fawning/being a doormat. This required waking up my anger and feeling wronged when a boundary was crossed. So then I had to deal with that anger and I felt like I wanted to fight against the injustice that was done to me when I was originally traumatized. I was regularly confrontational during that time and was drawn to drama and "telling it like it is". I did a good job, because I'd usually pick the most assholic of people to confront and tell them they're being jerks, hurting me or others, etc. And now? Underneath all that anger is my hurt. I feel like a child on the inside, I'm a bit sensitive, not deer-in-the-headlights like I used to be, but feel-y. And I never used to describe myself as such. Actually I would cringe at the thought.
I'm now less analytical as well.
I'm starting over. I aim to make new friendships and interact with people based on a healthier mindset. Then later down the road, maybe a few years or so (who knows?), I'll think about dating again.
Thank you for reading.
I've mentioned before, many times I think, that "I'm on my way" to being secure. Honestly? Some days it really doesn't feel that way. Almost every day there is something new I realize about myself that I do out of insecurity, and almost every day I process new trauma that makes me realize this will take as long as it needs to take, and there's no way I could put a number or a deadline on it.
I say a lot of things and sound so sure of myself sometimes, coming off as if I know everything, but in reality I don't know all that much. In fact, for me this is a coping mechanism. So much of my past interactional patterns with people, but especially those who trigger me, were made up of 2 main strategies: 1) being a chameleoning doormat and 2) being an avoidant stoic.
The first strategy had me taken advantage of by many people. The second strategy involved putting up walls and creating narratives about myself in order to protect against rejection. This is mainly what I want to talk about. The avoidant side of me that I'm stripping off.
I don't feel vulnerable enough yet. I don't mean that I want to walk around wearing my vulnerabilities on my sleeve, but that I'm not authentic enough in my vulnerabilities. I'm not secure in my insecurities, if that makes sense. I make up for this via walls, rigidity, a vibe that pushes others away, and abrupt communication. It's hard to relax and just 'be'.
The interpersonal energy I put out changes daily now. I'm tweaking so much, it's all part of healing. I'm becoming more emotionally available, no more repressing. And now I understand why I repressed so much. Because it really hurts. I can feel my emotions more freely, and there's so much pain and abandonment at my core. I feel naked and sort of pitiful.
On the other hand, the world seems a lot brighter. More expansive and colorful. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. There is "more" to me, my experiences, and my perception. These are uncharted waters so it really feels so weird.
Looking back, here is something I noticed. At first I had to peel off the layer of fawning/being a doormat. This required waking up my anger and feeling wronged when a boundary was crossed. So then I had to deal with that anger and I felt like I wanted to fight against the injustice that was done to me when I was originally traumatized. I was regularly confrontational during that time and was drawn to drama and "telling it like it is". I did a good job, because I'd usually pick the most assholic of people to confront and tell them they're being jerks, hurting me or others, etc. And now? Underneath all that anger is my hurt. I feel like a child on the inside, I'm a bit sensitive, not deer-in-the-headlights like I used to be, but feel-y. And I never used to describe myself as such. Actually I would cringe at the thought.
I'm now less analytical as well.
I'm starting over. I aim to make new friendships and interact with people based on a healthier mindset. Then later down the road, maybe a few years or so (who knows?), I'll think about dating again.
Thank you for reading.
