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Post by kittygirl on Aug 1, 2020 2:09:27 GMT
I had a therapy appointment today and revealed (for the first time to anyone) that one of the most calming things I can do (particularly before I go to bed), is to fantasize about being dumped or dumping my SO. Ihave done this for years. One of the most peaceful fantasies is where I discover they are doing something un-forgiveable (lying in a horrible way, cheating on me in a horrible way, saying horrible things about me behind my back) any of which I discover and dump him and block him never to speak to him again. This doesn't cause me anxiety or distress in the slightest. It causes me to become completely calm.
My therapist said she'd never had a client say that before, though she said she felt it made perfect sense. Do any other FAs (or APs or DAs) have this same experience??? Why am I feeling so much better when I pretend something awful happens which allows me to leave them behind for good? I mean, is this deactivating? I have no idea! It's hard to see stuff when you're experiencing it
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Post by annieb on Aug 1, 2020 5:59:30 GMT
I once had a similar revelation in therapy and my insightful therapist said that I was trying to relate to my abusive father. That I was trying to reconcile my love for him and his treatment of us and that the abuse and or neglect fantasy is tied into that relationship, and that my brain re-lives that experience for comfort.
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Post by amber on Aug 1, 2020 7:17:32 GMT
I had a therapy appointment today and revealed (for the first time to anyone) that one of the most calming things I can do (particularly before I go to bed), is to fantasize about being dumped or dumping my SO. Ihave done this for years. One of the most peaceful fantasies is where I discover they are doing something un-forgiveable (lying in a horrible way, cheating on me in a horrible way, saying horrible things about me behind my back) any of which I discover and dump him and block him never to speak to him again. This doesn't cause me anxiety or distress in the slightest. It causes me to become completely calm.
My therapist said she'd never had a client say that before, though she said she felt it made perfect sense. Do any other FAs (or APs or DAs) have this same experience??? Why am I feeling so much better when I pretend something awful happens which allows me to leave them behind for good? I mean, is this deactivating? I have no idea! It's hard to see stuff when you're experiencing it
Sounds like your minds way of making sense of feelings of fear or anxiety that you try and avoid through distancing or pushing people away? Just sounds like a protection/survival strategy to me |
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Post by kittygirl on Aug 2, 2020 13:24:18 GMT
amber-Oh that's so interesting about your own revelations! Thais Gibson talks a lot about or brains seeking familiarity so this makes sense for you. I think you are spot on with your second post-and I have been thinking about this and I also think that because I can get so weird about being "trapped", that this fantasy allows me the relief of the relationship ending thereby ending those fears.
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Post by stevie on Sept 10, 2022 14:26:08 GMT
I know exactly what you mean, for a long time I experienced the same thing, but with the wish to end my life. I didn't actually want to end my life, but it was comforting to know that I always had a way out. Like I always had some sort of backup plan in place. "No matter what happens, I can always end it, so I don't have to worry anymore."
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Post by elizabeth on Sept 12, 2022 15:11:26 GMT
I know exactly what you mean, for a long time I experienced the same thing, but with the wish to end my life. I didn't actually want to end my life, but it was comforting to know that I always had a way out. Like I always had some sort of backup plan in place. "No matter what happens, I can always end it, so I don't have to worry anymore." i do this sometimes. i also do the fantasize about being alone, but only when i start to feel overwhelmingly anxious about the relationship. for me, i think it is a way to remind myself that if my boyfriend lets me down large style, then i will still be okay. its like some vague Plan B that i hope never happens, but reminds me that even if it did, life would go on and i could still be happy as an individual. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2022 16:06:04 GMT
I know exactly what you mean, for a long time I experienced the same thing, but with the wish to end my life. I didn't actually want to end my life, but it was comforting to know that I always had a way out. Like I always had some sort of backup plan in place. "No matter what happens, I can always end it, so I don't have to worry anymore." i do this sometimes. i also do the fantasize about being alone, but only when i start to feel overwhelmingly anxious about the relationship. for me, i think it is a way to remind myself that if my boyfriend lets me down large style, then i will still be okay. its like some vague Plan B that i hope never happens, but reminds me that even if it did, life would go on and i could still be happy as an individual. If I am stressed about my relationship, in the deep trigger phase I do a quick run through of how things will look when I am on my own again. I flip through my logistics, squelch the emotional piece, and find safety going into what feels like a temporary "full-acceptance" mode concerning the potential end of the relationship. However, I recognize this as a defensive, survival mechanism, me going into my head avoidant style, "analyzing and fixing problems" in avoidance of the profound vulnerabilty and fear that I feel at the time of being triggered. In the past, when pressed by a toxic situation, I've enacted the plan and extricated and moved on. Now it's basically an artifact of that coping/survival attempt. It serves as an analgesic to acute pain but it wears off and then the pain remains until I address it, with my partner. |
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