Post by lonewolf on Aug 16, 2020 12:23:29 GMT
I just finished watching Season 9 of the TV show "Married at First Sight", a show where relationship experts arrange marriages between strangers. You can see photos and bios of the couples here (it has spoilers) www.tvinsider.com/gallery/married-at-first-sight-season-9-cast-couples/
The couple that interested me the most were Amber and Matt. I could definitely see myself in Amber; she was very sweet and idealistic (maybe INFP personality type?) with a tendency to be over-giving and over-forgiving. At first, I loved Matt, her partner chosen by the experts. He was--on paper--Amber's ideal type: tall, creative, athletic, strong and silent, and they shared a common interest in both being basketball super-fans.
I believe Amber and Matt were the first couple on the show to have sex and I cheered them for this, too. I feel that women get mixed messages about sex and I was happy that Amber felt confident and excited enough to take the leap with her new husband. Other couples had sexual intimacy issues (and never overcame them) while others were, more patient.
I watched the show with my mom and we had our running predictions on which couples would make it and opt to stay married. My mom surprised me halfway through by landing firmly in the camp that Amber and Matt would divorce. Amber's complete willingness to give everything she had to the relationship kept me hopeful, even after Matt disappeared one night and didn't come home.
This caused extreme anxiety in Amber who basically broke down in hysterics. She said "I called him 4 times but I can't get ahold with him" and I turned to my mom, remarking that I would not be able to stop myself after 4 calls, I would definitely go for 40. When Matt shows up the next afternoon, he acts like nothing is wrong, exhibiting extreme dismissive behavior towards his wife.
Matt has a meeting with the counselor/expert who tries to emphasize how hurtful his behavior is but of course, nothing is fixed. By the final episode, the show takes the angle of Amber's request for a divorce from Matt as being a sign of her personal growth and standing up for herself. There were also some reveals in the final interviews that painted a truly distasteful picture of Matt; we will recognize DA behaviors in them (although honestly, maybe even narcissism or psychopathy) and I would also like to share my impressions and why some of this was so scary for me:
- Matt had cheated on Amber by pursuing her co-worker's friend, leaving Amber "devastated and humiliated at work." This was after less than 8 weeks of marriage.
- Add on the fact that these people are being extensively documented and recorded, and I found this incomprehensibly bizarre. Cheating with a pretty much 100% guarantee that he would be caught, became even weirder when he denied it. Matt seemed literally unable to connect his behaviors to Amber's emotional state.
- Amber was totally unable to defend herself against Matt and her feelings for him.
- Matt was very charismatic, so it was easy to overlook some red flags in the beginning like that he didn't talk to his parents. Personally, I found my positive first impression of him very hard to reconcile with the person he turned out to be. Where is the line between, "This person has flaws, but I'm willing to give them a chance" and "This is a deal-ending red flag"?
- Matt was introverted, had difficulty expressing himself, and needed alone time. Where is the line between introverted and dismissive?
- Amber gave very specific requests like "call me by 2:30AM" but Matt refused to comply. Not outwardly malicious--he just went along. What should Amber's response have been? We can't control another person and make them respect us, so how can she get her needs met?
- Matt often reassured Amber (and the cameras) with empty promises and words.
- This stunned me: In the "reunion" episode, the interviewer asked Matt "When he knew it wasn't going to work?" And Matt said, "15 minutes after I met her."
This must be wounding for Amber, who was smitten with him at the wedding. I had remarked to my mom, "Surely he's pleased with her--any man would be happy with a woman doting on him so much like that!" - Now, I have read some internet comments, and some people say, that Amber was too much/too into him too early. I find this scary because I love those NRE feelings and wouldn't imagine it as a bad thing. If you're in that camp, fair enough. But then why didn't he tell her? Amber confronted him on this: "If you knew after 15 minutes that it wouldn't work, why did you have sex with me on Day 2?"
- Subsequently Matt has refused to sign the divorce papers, another avoidant behavior.
This must be wounding for Amber, who was smitten with him at the wedding. I had remarked to my mom, "Surely he's pleased with her--any man would be happy with a woman doting on him so much like that!" My takeaway was that Matt has no inner emotional concept. This is a person who perhaps doesn't experience emotions? A lot of his behavior makes more sense viewed from the DA perspective: trying to get out of situations that would create emotional resonance, but also seeking them out and orchestrating drama to achieve them. Result is supreme push-pull behavior and a crazy-making amount of dishonesty.
For Amber, a person coming into the relationship with belief and understanding, this was unfathomable, and damaging. I noticed the insecure "dance" and it struck me as very unfair. Since the person with compassion and the desire for a good relationship loses power. How can we be open to love while at the same time protect ourselves from liar people like that, especially who are perfect on paper, say all the right things, and initiate the relationship?
To end on a positive note, the couple Greg and Deonna provided an awesome and insightful portrait of a healthy relationship. Their manufactured drama was boring compared to watching the joy of them falling in love with each other and spending time together. My mom and I had more fun watching them play golf than any other scene in the show since the weddings.
Those are my thoughts for that couple this season, but I'd love to leave the thread open-ended for anyone to comment with their own similar musings from other reality shows as well.
