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Post by anne12 on Sept 26, 2020 7:05:13 GMT
I have met a super nice guy. It has been several years since I have found one, that I can see myself with. We've been dating for a month. He is smart, handsome and sexy - but he comes from another part of the country and has the worst dialect, which he has a hard time changing. I have asked him to try to speak a little more plain language and cut some of the dialect, but he does not really succeed and he also reprimands me, that he is who he is. A trait I actually really like about him is, that he stands by who he is. The sex is good and the conversations are deep, despite his dialect. Occasionally, though, I just have to slow him down a bit ,as he starts speaking unbelievably fast and indistinctly in my ears as the dialect sometimes takes over and he just talks and talks from there. However, with me it is starting to become a big thing. I really, really want this guy, but his dialect is starting to kill something in me. Instead, I should start paying less attention to the dialect as I am gradually getting used to it by now. But it is going the wrong way. I have days where I fail to talk on the phone with him, because then I will not be confronted with it. In writing, he is totally delicious. He is in a higher position, so he is educated and can articulate himself wonderfully in writing. What the hell am I doing, why can 't I just give him a fucking change?. Can I
get used to this or is it too big a deal? I have been single for 9 years and I am getting tired of all the dating bull shit. His been single for only 6 months, so he is unaware of all the struggles in dating life. His been very supportive to me as I've recently had a loos to death in my family. I'm in my 50'ties.
Answer:
My first thought is that it's a bit of a luxury issue
If I could get my hands on such a lovely and proper man as you describe, then he could speak Russian and I would still hold on to him 😉
In reality, it's about attraction, and I think the dialect can be equated with a physical characteristic, that could make you turn off. For example, some women may do not fit with a man who is smaller than herself, others can not get turned on by a fat man, others can not get turned on by a thin man or may have difficulty with a b big beard, etc., etc. These are superficial things - and therefore also things that one can easily be ashamed of is "turn off" . But we are just human beings, and unfortunately we do not decide everything ourselves. I doubt it is with your good will and full consciousness that you get tired of the dialect. It's just something that happens inside of you, and it certainly sounds as if you yourself would have been able to put the whole issue aside.
But you are not. The issue is there. And my best advice to you is actually to drop the inner struggle with yourself. Accept that you think his dialect is a bit of a turn off. It's not something you can control yourself anyway. So forgive yourself for being like that. And then see if by accepting this side of yourself can help you to get your shoulders down,
so that there is room to ALSO think: Okay, it's annoying with that dialect, but not SO annoying that I can not learn to live with it. It is outweighed 1000 times by all his other
qualities.
Good luck with accommodating both his dialect and your own occasional irritation over this. Both are ok. Do not use more energy on this, but accept the state of things and shift focus towards all the good 🙂
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Post by anne12 on Sept 26, 2020 7:49:27 GMT
I've found, that when I, as a woman, date, that I'm too much in my masculine energy -
- I'm in control of things
- I want to move forward
- I take the initiative most of the time.
I have to try to get more into the receiving feminine energy, when I date. I feel like I'm attracting the wrong ones
Reply: Good idea - expecially if you want a more masculine partner.
See if you can get inspired by "how to work with your femine energy.a woman" thread.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 26, 2020 7:53:10 GMT
I'm a single mother and I am dating. I can tap into the feminine, but because I am a single parent I'm feeling that men can precieve me a little unavailable, because I don't have much time to date, go on weekend trips with a boyfriend, go out for dinner and to visit vinebars at weekends ect.
I've got some ambivalent attatchment style.
Any advise ?
Answer:
I would say you have to look at the men you are dating.
If the man
1) Dosent have any children himself
2) Have been single for a long time
3) Is divorced with children but doesn't spend much time with his own children
then they proberly are used to having more free time to hang out ect. and this could be the reason why they disappear / don't want to go any further with you.
But there ARE single men, who are more family oriented and who got the same values as yourself.
I would suggest that you look at your dating vision and your love vision again,
adjust it and start practise visualising how it feels to
be with sush a guy, who is more suited for you and who is more family oriented.
Love vision:
If you've got some ambivalent attatchmentstyle IT is important to put elements in the vision that gives a calm nerveussystem. That it is clear, that you are together with the right person. When visualising the dating phase, that you are calm inside and that you are able to live your daily life.
Also make sure that the man got some of the same interests as yourself.
You can also seek a therapist to help you to get even
more into secure attatchment.
Do some of the visualisation exercises every single day
ect.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1852/prepare-create-future-relationship
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Post by anne12 on Sept 26, 2020 8:08:24 GMT
I've started dating again. It is my first time at datingsite as a woman in her fourtises.
A man wrote me a message right away.
I was a bit suspicious about his picture, because he looked a little "angry"./ grumpy..
I have had a bad yo-yo relationship with a man who sometimes could be very dismissive, grumpy and critical in his way of talking to me and othertimes very attentive.
So I knew, I deffently didn't want to meet a man like that again.
I told this man, that I thought, that he looked a little "angry/grumpy" in his picture.
He said "oh, it's properly because I've got blinded by the sun when the photo was taken".
"Let's meet and you can check me out for real."
So we met for a walk in the park.
He was very nice and nothing like my ex.
I felt very at ease in his presence and i felt attracted to him at the same time.
We are now seeing eachother on a regular basis.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 26, 2020 8:24:41 GMT
I have practiced writing a dating profile so it clearly sorts those out who dont match.
I am clearly interested in spiritual topics, I am also a Qigong instructor and I write that Ive got a holistic view of a man. No one, as in No One responds or comnents on this.
My doubt is now, how clear I should be about this?
I see quite a few men who write about this interest - that they meditate etc. I find it challenging and would love to hear your opinion.
Answer:
With regard of spiritual men, then there are several things you can consider:
1. Go to spiritual dating sites
2. Know that many men are spiritual without talking about it. Without really thinking about it. They may have a high consciousness and a humanity, but it is an integreated part of them, that they do not "cultivate" but are. If you ask these men if they are spiritual, most will answer, no not really - although some of them may be more spiritual than declared spiritual
When you write that you have a holistic view of human beings, they might just think "Fine, I have that too".
Incidentally, it is better to show that you have a holistic view of human beings.
Many men can be "lured" into spiritual activities if they can see the purpose of it. For some, they must be able to see the benefits, for example tantra which focuses on both the spiritual and the sexual. A book on sex and meditation also contains a lot of good exercises where one can get some spiritual elements into the togetherness (there is much more spirituality than sex those books).
Is it important that the man is equally interested in the spiritual topics?
Then describe a scenario from your love vision that shows this.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 26, 2020 8:27:19 GMT
Throughout time, a guy had a lot of experience in dating, but always with the same disappointing result: "Ahh, I'm not ready!" - "No, we can not move together before my children are big!".
Think how often love goes whe wrong way and does not get a chance, because many people do not know, how to deal with it.
Finally this man met a new woman. He contacted a therapist to get some help with his lovelife.
The matter was that he had repeatedly encountered resistance from her. He had translated it to, that she was not interested.
With a therapist, he had been unwilling to take her reactions personally!
Instead, he was open to the therapists interpretations and suggestions, which was somewhat more positive than his own. E.g:
When she left all the initiative to him, yes, it could be to test his masculinity. If she could really count on him! Women have to test the man - it usually happens completely unconsciously - and NEVER to be taken personally.
.
When she did not answer his dinner invitations over sms, it did not have to be a no. Perhaps there were only practical obstacles, or she was insecure or afraid of the trouble of love. He learned that it is MUCH better to call and speak personally with her.
AND that he does not have to ask, but suggest things short and concretely: for example: "It's gonna be super awesome if we can go out and eat on Saturday at restaurant xx!"
That way, he retains his power and will not feel rejected, even if the other says no.
.
Behind her rejection was actually a big wish, that he really showed her, that he wanted her.
Whether you are male or female, you can learn 2 very important things from this guy:
Do not take that person's reactions or lack of responses personally! What the other does, say or feel, or do not like to do, say or feel - yes, it's all about the other person and not about you. So do not take it personally or feel rejected!
If you have built solid barricades around your heart, you can either go and wait for someone like this guy did, to free you - or you can do as this guy did and work to break your own barricades down and build something better up inside in you, so that love can reach you!
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Post by anne12 on Sept 26, 2020 8:59:34 GMT
I'm a woman in my late 60'ties.
My second husband died recently and I felt all the losses from when I lost my dad when I was a child (14 years old), my first husband whom I met when I was 18 years old. He died when he was only 46 years old.
I've gave up finding a new man, as I don't think that I can cope with any more losses in my life.
I've dealt with my losses and grief in a therapy group with other women.
At first I rejected my niece's suggestion that I could try dating. At my age - hell no!
Then an advertisement landed in my inbox. It was an advertisement from a dating portal. "How to find a partner in your third age".
I tried to write a dating profile just for fun. I didn't write that much, and I didn't put a picture on my profile.
I had no expatations.
Within a couple of hours an answer pupped up on my profile.I got courious.
So I wrote back.
He was a single man, 70 years old, fit, kept him self in shape by doing his own tiny Tour de France in Southern Europe. So I thought that since he kept himself in shape he be properly wouldn't die soon.
He also lived near by where I live and he knew my first husband who was a mecanic and had his own company together with his brother from where they repaired and sold cars.
I thought why not meet this man. We could maybe become friends.
I have been told that it's not such a good idea to meet at his house on the first date, but I thought what the hell I can just run away I he was creapy.
You see - I have learned a sport called apokido - so I can defend myself.
So I went to his house and we had an awesome time together. We have so much in common.
As we don't have much time to waste at our age we soon decided to move in together.
He just sold his house and he has now moved in with me.
Yeah - it's never too late to meet someone. Even at my age 😊
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