annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on Oct 16, 2020 22:33:53 GMT
So, I've been dating this guy for a month and a half, to eventually realize he's probably a DA. I've already posted the early signs:
- lots of passionate texting at the beginning
- after first date, he kinda pulls away
- after amazing second date, he disappears for a week - words/actions don't align
- general sense of ambivalence
- weird communication patterns (one day super warm, the other very cold)
- problematic relationship with mother
- at work, stuck in comfort zone
So, I like him very much, but that's what happened. A few days later he asked me out for another date without planning the details, I asked him when/where we were going to meet. He said he's busy, if we can postpone. I haven't seen him in two weeks and this really annoyed me. I've been craving this date for days. I see myself constantly waiting for his texts. Constantly obsessing over his ambivalence. I guess this guy is very toxic to me. I thought, should I give it another chance? Maybe it's too soon? He said he wanted to take things slowly, but that seems more like a nice way to mask avoidance.
I realized I don't like myself being this way. Overly obsessing and needy. It affects my self-esteem. I've decided I no longer want to behave in a way that makes me like myself less. I want to act in a way that makes me feel good about myself. Keeping obsessing over an inconsistent person just doesn't help me with that. I want to date people who are eager to see me and to hear from me. Though a part of me is struggling because I really like this guy, another part of myself screams "run away as soon as you can". So I guess that's what I'm doing. I prefer to cut things off now that I'll suffer less, rather than after having sex with him and getting more attached. I wouldn't have been able to do this before the traumatic experience with another DA.
It's been a month of constant push/pull, where I basically found myself thrown in old patterns, which I already painfully experienced with a person that broke my heart in the past. It took me one year to recover from that trauma (yes, it was a trauma). I went through depression and felt like crap for months. I thought I was ready to date again, but here it is, trapped in the same old pattern again. I just can't take it anymore. So before this gets too painful I'm telling him that I'm not interested in dating him anymore. And I'm proud of myself for this.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2020 23:23:49 GMT
Standing up for yourself and your needs is great! Have you communicated that you don't want to reschedule? If he's FA, be aware that he may come at you hot again in response to a perceived rejection... that's just part of the pattern though, and things won't foundationally improve.
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annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on Oct 16, 2020 23:27:42 GMT
Standing up for yourself and your needs is great! Have you communicated that you don't want to reschedule? If he's FA, be aware that he may come at you hot again in response to a perceived rejection... that's just part of the pattern though, and things won't foundationally improve. Yes I told him I was busy in the forthcoming week. You're right, totally expect that, I've already seen him doing it. Why do you think he's a FA and not a DA? Guess I haven't read much about their difference. From the signs I've mentioned, I concluded DA, but might be wrong. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2020 23:42:02 GMT
Oh, I agree with maryisback. DA is on slow speed but less confusing at the beginning. They can be more consistent and straight-forward at first because their attachment wounding may not be activated right away, but will happen as you gradually get closer. So they probably won't start off going hot and cold, because they'll just be (luke)warm and inching forward. But FA seek and crave external validation, so they are more likely to come at you hard and fast so that you validate them with your positive attention, then pull away when they get scared of intimacy, then get warm-to-hot again when anxiously in need of attention, then avoidantly cold when it's too much closeness for their nervous system to handle. |
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annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on Oct 17, 2020 0:43:50 GMT
Oh, I agree with maryisback . DA is on slow speed but less confusing at the beginning. They can be more consistent and straight-forward at first because their attachment wounding may not be activated right away, but will happen as you gradually get closer. So they probably won't start off going hot and cold, because they'll just be (luke)warm and inching forward. But FA seek and crave external validation, so they are more likely to come at you hard and fast so that you validate them with your positive attention, then pull away when they get scared of intimacy, then get warm-to-hot again when anxiously in need of attention, then avoidantly cold when it's too much closeness for their nervous system to handle. That's super interesting, and it makes sense to me. Comparatively, after having dealt with a DA, a FAs look much scarier for an AP like me - because they make you feel like you can actually have a great connection. The warm moments do exist. That's what traps you - hoping that they will come back. Just can't take this anymore. |
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Post by amber on Oct 24, 2020 22:18:07 GMT
Oh, I agree with maryisback. DA is on slow speed but less confusing at the beginning. They can be more consistent and straight-forward at first because their attachment wounding may not be activated right away, but will happen as you gradually get closer. So they probably won't start off going hot and cold, because they'll just be (luke)warm and inching forward. But FA seek and crave external validation, so they are more likely to come at you hard and fast so that you validate them with your positive attention, then pull away when they get scared of intimacy, then get warm-to-hot again when anxiously in need of attention, then avoidantly cold when it's too much closeness for their nervous system to handle. Wow love this explanation. As time goes on and I have stopped idealising my ex FA and seeing things more clearly,I saw how hot/cold he was.more at the end and sometimes on subtly so I doubted it. But I suspect it would have gotten worse as time went on had we stayed together. Almost a year since we broke up and felling really glad and grateful the relationship ended when it did. Feel I dodged a bullet there |
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Post by katiekitten on Jun 25, 2022 10:04:23 GMT
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