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Being AP
Nov 21, 2020 21:18:32 GMT
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Post by amber on Nov 21, 2020 21:18:32 GMT
Hello all
I’m hoping for others insights or opinions on some personal issues I struggle with that I think is related to my attschement stuff. I struggle a lot with being alone....I am naturally more extroverted so like being with people but sometimes when I’m alone I get a crushing feeling of loneliness and catastrophise that I’ll always be alone etc. my dad died 1.5 years ago and I have a small family, my sister then moved interstate, then my ex FA and I split, so this really exacerbated by feelings of not belonging. I have good friends that are really great.
My other issue is that I often feel that things are not enough in life;like something is lacking.i notice this seems to permeate all areas of my life. I feel it within myself;ie I am never enough, not funny enough, intelligent enough etc And then feel it with work, relationships etc.kind of a feeling like I wish things were different or better or more of what I really want.i also have these awful feelings often that something bad is going to happen. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop, like there will be a bad accident or someone I will love will die and my life will be over. I have lots of fear of death too.
I had quite a chaotic childhood with a borderline mother who was very inconsistent and abusive, and I went from one house to the next between my parents who had a strange unstable arrangement of care with me.luckily my father was consistent and loving but he smoked a lot of dope so was not very emotionally available or present. I have typically attracted DA or FA partners in the past.
I am working on this with a therapist .i would like to date and have a r/ship but I’m afraid of bringing these issues into a r /ship and don’t want to project my feelings of aloneness and not enoughness into a partnership which I feel I will inevitably unconsciously do.
Is this stuff typical of AP attachment in others experience? And what to do?!
Thankyou!!
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Being AP
Nov 22, 2020 2:18:51 GMT
via mobile
Me likes this
Post by alexandra on Nov 22, 2020 2:18:51 GMT
amber, everything you describe is pretty typical for AP, yes. I'd start by challenging this feeling of "not belonging." Not belonging to what? Are you defining belonging the way you truly want to or are you taking on some perceived external definition, expectation, voice in your ear? The opinions you listed really all have not accepting yourself at their core (which leads to a fear of abandonment). So, in my opinion, in addition to confronting and understanding your past trauma and re-writing it as a narrative that makes sense to you, which I'm assuming you are already working on with the therapist, you need to find ways to connect with yourself and be present with yourself. I had done this pre-covid by taking up a sporty hobby I was always interested in but scared and intimidated by, by traveling alone for a few weeks with the intention to tune out anyone else's opinion and only do and eat things I wanted to no matter what anyone else in the world might think about it, and by making a change in my career to leave a toxic work environment. To get out of AP patterns, I faced that the feeling that anyone's paying attention to you in that way and trying to present yourself as cool enough or fun enough or looking a certain way... it's artificial, and you're trying to guess someone else's ideal. Either past family members put that on you or society did to sell you products, and now it's time to figure out who you are and what you actually like. What kind of things do you actually want to do, how do you want to look? Nerdy and without makeup while you pursue a nerdy interest, even if you might have gotten mocked for that in grade school? Super colorful, maybe even gaudy, but festive? Do it, not to make anyone else happy, just to see how it makes you feel! What you may also notice I'm suggesting is find ways to take control and responsibility over your own life in ways that are doable. All insecure attachment styles have control issues, and AP often want to control everyone and everything around them to feel safe, while hoping someone else can take the responsibility to regulate them. Connecting with yourself allows you to have a healthier relationship with control and have healthier boundaries overall. We can't control others, we can only control how we respond to things. AP trying to plan for worst case scenarios all the time keeps them from being present (and in turn confronting their fears and unhappiness), always instead being in the future or the past trying to "identify threats." By experiencing a healthier feeling of control and autonomy, taking control of your life in small ways like I'm suggesting, will help calm all that. Not right away, but over time, as you see what you can control and let go of what you can't. So, what are some ideas for ways to learn to feel good through taking on something you always wanted to do? Starting yoga is a good one, because you also connect to your body with that one. Or maybe you want to learn a musical instrument even if you're terrible at it. Or maybe you want to walk down every street in your city/town just to explore it and see what you find, crossing them off a map over time until you finish. Maybe you want to join a social group with a shared interest that never seemed cool enough, and meet new people with that interest. I don't know you so can't suggest what you deep down like to do in life, but I'm trying to think of some examples that aren't consuming or intimidating: doable. But still things that may be a bit of a stretch for your comfort zone that you need to be open and curious about to get started. It's just important to know that if this sounds like an interesting and doable step for you, it does take time and it may be several months before you start seeing shifts in perspective. But if you're doing it in tandem with your other healing work, it will eventually help as your self esteem and sense of self and identity improves.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2020 3:34:22 GMT
hi amber, just chiming in so that you know you're not alone! in addition to everything alexandra said, one thing I did that made a significant difference to me is the promise/awareness/commitment that I do not deserve bad things, even if I do not deserve good things. This is in part because there's a deep sense of inadequacy which you have described - feeling like it is not enough - creates a lot of space for bad things to happen. Having this feeling of being not enough makes you stay in bad situations/thoughts/people that reinforce the feeling of being inadequate, and it's a vicious cycle. It also perpetuates this feeling that something bad is going to happen because past experiences have shown us that the situations we are in often bring more undesirable situations! the trick of getting past this is NOT to start feeling great all the time. You cannot get from A to Z without going through B,C...X,and Y. It is to get to a place of quietness/calmness/neutrality so that you can decide consciously/listen to your intuition if this is a good situation/person/thought to be in. when in a place of insecurity, all you hear is fear and distrust (of yourself/others) and the decisions you make come from that. Decisions based on fear are never good decisions! so, when you get to a place of neutrality, you start having some real sense of control and autonomy over yourself, which is the root of security. this is also why doing things like yoga, music, being alone - they get you to a place of neutrality by being in touch with yourself, and practicing that state (mindfulness!!) move you closer towards security. But before that, a smaller step I would encourage you to take is to randomly do stuff without having an emotional attachment/motivation behind it (e.g., wanting to look cool, being interested, cos someone else wants to). For example, I read types of fiction even if they didn't interest me, I took some music lessons though I literally give zero figs about music, I walked around in neighbourhoods with no purpose, I drove to a random cafe just because, I wore makeup even though I did not have to nor cared about it. It allows you to practice doing things that are not motivated by emotions such as interest/boredom; it allows you to exercise the muscle of autonomy that comes from within you, not from an emotional state. Plus what alexandra said - it allows you to be open and curious to new things that you didn't think it would apply to you. Over time, you will start realizing what you ARE interested in because you are so used to doing things that have no interest to you. APs often have an emptier sense of self, and knowing what genuinely interests them is often a confusing process because they have never/rarely practiced finding/executing their own interests. |
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Being AP
Nov 22, 2020 4:37:05 GMT
via mobile
Post by amber on Nov 22, 2020 4:37:05 GMT
amber, everything you describe is pretty typical for AP, yes. I'd start by challenging this feeling of "not belonging." Not belonging to what? Are you defining belonging the way you truly want to or are you taking on some perceived external definition, expectation, voice in your ear? The opinions you listed really all have not accepting yourself at their core (which leads to a fear of abandonment). So, in my opinion, in addition to confronting and understanding your past trauma and re-writing it as a narrative that makes sense to you, which I'm assuming you are already working on with the therapist, you need to find ways to connect with yourself and be present with yourself. I had done this pre-covid by taking up a sporty hobby I was always interested in but scared and intimidated by, by traveling alone for a few weeks with the intention to tune out anyone else's opinion and only do and eat things I wanted to no matter what anyone else in the world might think about it, and by making a change in my career to leave a toxic work environment. To get out of AP patterns, I faced that the feeling that anyone's paying attention to you in that way and trying to present yourself as cool enough or fun enough or looking a certain way... it's artificial, and you're trying to guess someone else's ideal. Either past family members put that on you or society did to sell you products, and now it's time to figure out who you are and what you actually like. What kind of things do you actually want to do, how do you want to look? Nerdy and without makeup while you pursue a nerdy interest, even if you might have gotten mocked for that in grade school? Super colorful, maybe even gaudy, but festive? Do it, not to make anyone else happy, just to see how it makes you feel! What you may also notice I'm suggesting is find ways to take control and responsibility over your own life in ways that are doable. All insecure attachment styles have control issues, and AP often want to control everyone and everything around them to feel safe, while hoping someone else can take the responsibility to regulate them. Connecting with yourself allows you to have a healthier relationship with control and have healthier boundaries overall. We can't control others, we can only control how we respond to things. AP trying to plan for worst case scenarios all the time keeps them from being present (and in turn confronting their fears and unhappiness), always instead being in the future or the past trying to "identify threats." By experiencing a healthier feeling of control and autonomy, taking control of your life in small ways like I'm suggesting, will help calm all that. Not right away, but over time, as you see what you can control and let go of what you can't. So, what are some ideas for ways to learn to feel good through taking on something you always wanted to do? Starting yoga is a good one, because you also connect to your body with that one. Or maybe you want to learn a musical instrument even if you're terrible at it. Or maybe you want to walk down every street in your city/town just to explore it and see what you find, crossing them off a map over time until you finish. Maybe you want to join a social group with a shared interest that never seemed cool enough, and meet new people with that interest. I don't know you so can't suggest what you deep down like to do in life, but I'm trying to think of some examples that aren't consuming or intimidating: doable. But still things that may be a bit of a stretch for your comfort zone that you need to be open and curious about to get started. It's just important to know that if this sounds like an interesting and doable step for you, it does take time and it may be several months before you start seeing shifts in perspective. But if you're doing it in tandem with your other healing work, it will eventually help as your self esteem and sense of self and identity improves. Thanks Alexandra.i guess belonging in the way I wish I did belong; to a family unit, to a larger group of friends, the way I felt I belonged more when I was in my teenage years. I do have quite unique interests and hobbies,I don’t think that is so much an issue for me. Sometimes I start things and don’t finish them or get bored easily or flit around a lot but I’ve always been an adventurer and an explorer.i definelty struggle with not accepting myself and lack of sense of self,I think this is where my u happiness comes from.it feels Very hard to shift.I have been working on it for a long time. Your suggestions are great and I appreciate the input |
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Being AP
Nov 22, 2020 6:32:45 GMT
via mobile
Post by alexandra on Nov 22, 2020 6:32:45 GMT
Hey amber, I think it's great to have a lot of interests, personally. I do as well. In terms of the way you wrote that though, there's having a lot of interest in everything around you because you enjoy that curiosity and exploration, but there's also an insecure trait of having a lot of interests because then you always have distractions. I'm not sure which it is for you (maybe both), but building on what I said and shingingstar said, if you tend to not finish what you start or stick with your activities, I think for the purposes of what I'm talking about it's important to commit to choosing something you're interested in and like that requires some gradual mastery, something that makes you challenge yourself and grow your comfort zone, and then gives you a sense of accomplishment over time. I understand her suggestion of just trying things you are neutral about or maybe don't care about to create the contrast to learn more about who you are and your preferences if the disconnection is so great that that's the starting point in your process. If you have a better idea of what you truly do like and connect with already, I think the next step is challenging yourself around some of that and getting comfortable trusting yourself. I stuck with my new sports hobby for 3 years. I really enjoyed it, even though I plateaued after a year and sometimes got frustrated feeling insecure because I couldn't keep up with a younger group I knew socially and saw regularly and would have to do go do my own thing midway through a practice session. But overall, it was really great to feel I conquered a fear of trying something I never thought I'd be good at (and I wasn't bad!), I connected with my body learning how to do it, I got strong enough to try getting into yoga also, and I only stopped because I got chronically injured and that ended it for me even before covid started (which would have also ended it for me) because I'm a little too old to want to risk more severe injury. So I found that particularly helpful coupled with the other work I was doing. Ironically, I got into this sport specifically because a DA I had a mess with told me he'd teach it to me then didn't because he didn't follow through about anything. Even though I'd been interested in learning for years anyway, the motivation I had to face my fear was my being angry and stubborn... fine, I don't need him 😆 So, it was accidental AP protest behavior at first for sure, but I certainly didn't need him and really enjoyed the sport, felt more trust in myself as I improved, and learned a lot from the experience 😄 |
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Being AP
Nov 22, 2020 21:03:23 GMT
via mobile
Post by iz42 on Nov 22, 2020 21:03:23 GMT
This is an interesting thread. I don’t mean to hijack it amber, just wanted to share a few thoughts. As someone who leans AP, I definitely relate. In the past few months I have gotten back into doing things I enjoy and it feels good. I’ve joined a volunteer group as well. The main thing that is challenging is that I have a disability and I have to be careful about wearing myself out. it’s tough for me to find enough time and energy for everything.
Part of me still feels anxious and as if I’m not doing it right and I should have more elaborate hobbies and interests. I worry that maybe I won’t become more secure without getting plugged into “the right” hobbies. Since covid hit I’ve felt stressed about hobbies in general. This probably comes from fear of how others are perceiving me...I guess I need to work on that. I went on a few dates with a guy who had a million hobbies and I found it really intimidating. In the end it was clear that he uses them for distraction and he’s not at all clued in emotionally. So I guess balance is important too.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 22, 2020 23:31:52 GMT
iz42, it doesn't need to be hobbies either, and not something you're good at. I wasn't bad at my sport, but certainly wasn't good either ha ha. Good enough to enjoy it. But I was just using hobbies as an example. Activities, interests, exploring locations, it's really anything that can get you a little further out of your comfort zone while keeping focus on yourself instead of others! And not primarily just for distraction. Part of the point is there aren't any "right" hobbies, it's just doing things YOU want to do at whatever level you're capable of doing them, and that being enough. You want to find ways to build a better connection with yourself.
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Post by amber on Nov 23, 2020 5:21:10 GMT
This is an interesting thread. I don’t mean to hijack it amber, just wanted to share a few thoughts. As someone who leans AP, I definitely relate. In the past few months I have gotten back into doing things I enjoy and it feels good. I’ve joined a volunteer group as well. The main thing that is challenging is that I have a disability and I have to be careful about wearing myself out. it’s tough for me to find enough time and energy for everything. Part of me still feels anxious and as if I’m not doing it right and I should have more elaborate hobbies and interests. I worry that maybe I won’t become more secure without getting plugged into “the right” hobbies. Since covid hit I’ve felt stressed about hobbies in general. This probably comes from fear of how others are perceiving me...I guess I need to work on that. I went on a few dates with a guy who had a million hobbies and I found it really intimidating. In the end it was clear that he uses them for distraction and he’s not at all clued in emotionally. So I guess balance is important too. yeah I can relate! I think I feel I need to be ultra good at something, like becoming a professional pole dancer or something, in order to achieve in life. I have tried craft like painting which I really just don't get into; but I'm realising its because I have a bit of an addiction to feeling intensity (something im working on with the therapist) and need to find enjoyment or even just neutrality in the mundane!! this is where you get nervous system regulation according to my therapist |
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Post by amber on Nov 23, 2020 5:24:44 GMT
Hey amber , I think it's great to have a lot of interests, personally. I do as well. In terms of the way you wrote that though, there's having a lot of interest in everything around you because you enjoy that curiosity and exploration, but there's also an insecure trait of having a lot of interests because then you always have distractions. I'm not sure which it is for you (maybe both), but building on what I said and shingingstar said, if you tend to not finish what you start or stick with your activities, I think for the purposes of what I'm talking about it's important to commit to choosing something you're interested in and like that requires some gradual mastery, something that makes you challenge yourself and grow your comfort zone, and then gives you a sense of accomplishment over time. I understand her suggestion of just trying things you are neutral about or maybe don't care about to create the contrast to learn more about who you are and your preferences if the disconnection is so great that that's the starting point in your process. If you have a better idea of what you truly do like and connect with already, I think the next step is challenging yourself around some of that and getting comfortable trusting yourself. I stuck with my new sports hobby for 3 years. I really enjoyed it, even though I plateaued after a year and sometimes got frustrated feeling insecure because I couldn't keep up with a younger group I knew socially and saw regularly and would have to do go do my own thing midway through a practice session. But overall, it was really great to feel I conquered a fear of trying something I never thought I'd be good at (and I wasn't bad!), I connected with my body learning how to do it, I got strong enough to try getting into yoga also, and I only stopped because I got chronically injured and that ended it for me even before covid started (which would have also ended it for me) because I'm a little too old to want to risk more severe injury. So I found that particularly helpful coupled with the other work I was doing. Ironically, I got into this sport specifically because a DA I had a mess with told me he'd teach it to me then didn't because he didn't follow through about anything. Even though I'd been interested in learning for years anyway, the motivation I had to face my fear was my being angry and stubborn... fine, I don't need him 😆 So, it was accidental AP protest behavior at first for sure, but I certainly didn't need him and really enjoyed the sport, felt more trust in myself as I improved, and learned a lot from the experience 😄 thanks a lot! I do have activities that I enjoy that I stick to as well. two years ago I joined a womens choir even though I can't sing, and it has helped me to be a part of a group where there is accountability to show up, and learn to enjoy something even if you don't feel like you are really good at it. its also super fun and lots of performances in the community. I do weight lifting too consistently although not sure you could call this a hobby although I do enjoy it. during covid I started volunteering one day a week. my issue is that I have to be careful not to overcommit and burn myself out. I am going to start doing some very down time activities, like sewing buttons onto a piece of fabric (my therapist recommended this). I also realise I struggle being alone because I am looking to others to regulate me. have to remind myself of this! |
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Post by amber on Nov 23, 2020 5:26:40 GMT
hi amber , just chiming in so that you know you're not alone! in addition to everything alexandra said, one thing I did that made a significant difference to me is the promise/awareness/commitment that I do not deserve bad things, even if I do not deserve good things. This is in part because there's a deep sense of inadequacy which you have described - feeling like it is not enough - creates a lot of space for bad things to happen. Having this feeling of being not enough makes you stay in bad situations/thoughts/people that reinforce the feeling of being inadequate, and it's a vicious cycle. It also perpetuates this feeling that something bad is going to happen because past experiences have shown us that the situations we are in often bring more undesirable situations! the trick of getting past this is NOT to start feeling great all the time. You cannot get from A to Z without going through B,C...X,and Y. It is to get to a place of quietness/calmness/neutrality so that you can decide consciously/listen to your intuition if this is a good situation/person/thought to be in. when in a place of insecurity, all you hear is fear and distrust (of yourself/others) and the decisions you make come from that. Decisions based on fear are never good decisions! so, when you get to a place of neutrality, you start having some real sense of control and autonomy over yourself, which is the root of security. this is also why doing things like yoga, music, being alone - they get you to a place of neutrality by being in touch with yourself, and practicing that state (mindfulness!!) move you closer towards security. But before that, a smaller step I would encourage you to take is to randomly do stuff without having an emotional attachment/motivation behind it (e.g., wanting to look cool, being interested, cos someone else wants to). For example, I read types of fiction even if they didn't interest me, I took some music lessons though I literally give zero figs about music, I walked around in neighbourhoods with no purpose, I drove to a random cafe just because, I wore makeup even though I did not have to nor cared about it. It allows you to practice doing things that are not motivated by emotions such as interest/boredom; it allows you to exercise the muscle of autonomy that comes from within you, not from an emotional state. Plus what alexandra said - it allows you to be open and curious to new things that you didn't think it would apply to you. Over time, you will start realizing what you ARE interested in because you are so used to doing things that have no interest to you. APs often have an emptier sense of self, and knowing what genuinely interests them is often a confusing process because they have never/rarely practiced finding/executing their own interests. thanks a lot for this. I have really been reflecting on what you said about quietness/neutrality and funnily enough working on this with my therapist as a way to better regulate my nervous system, and stop swinging from intensity in emotions, even if they are good feeling emotions. I have trouble with being still and feeling neutral. I am looking forward to getting closer to a place where I can be comfortable being content on my own doing my own thing without obsessing over or wanting to be with a partner. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2020 6:31:28 GMT
hi amber , just chiming in so that you know you're not alone! in addition to everything alexandra said, one thing I did that made a significant difference to me is the promise/awareness/commitment that I do not deserve bad things, even if I do not deserve good things. This is in part because there's a deep sense of inadequacy which you have described - feeling like it is not enough - creates a lot of space for bad things to happen. Having this feeling of being not enough makes you stay in bad situations/thoughts/people that reinforce the feeling of being inadequate, and it's a vicious cycle. It also perpetuates this feeling that something bad is going to happen because past experiences have shown us that the situations we are in often bring more undesirable situations! the trick of getting past this is NOT to start feeling great all the time. You cannot get from A to Z without going through B,C...X,and Y. It is to get to a place of quietness/calmness/neutrality so that you can decide consciously/listen to your intuition if this is a good situation/person/thought to be in. when in a place of insecurity, all you hear is fear and distrust (of yourself/others) and the decisions you make come from that. Decisions based on fear are never good decisions! so, when you get to a place of neutrality, you start having some real sense of control and autonomy over yourself, which is the root of security. this is also why doing things like yoga, music, being alone - they get you to a place of neutrality by being in touch with yourself, and practicing that state (mindfulness!!) move you closer towards security. But before that, a smaller step I would encourage you to take is to randomly do stuff without having an emotional attachment/motivation behind it (e.g., wanting to look cool, being interested, cos someone else wants to). For example, I read types of fiction even if they didn't interest me, I took some music lessons though I literally give zero figs about music, I walked around in neighbourhoods with no purpose, I drove to a random cafe just because, I wore makeup even though I did not have to nor cared about it. It allows you to practice doing things that are not motivated by emotions such as interest/boredom; it allows you to exercise the muscle of autonomy that comes from within you, not from an emotional state. Plus what alexandra said - it allows you to be open and curious to new things that you didn't think it would apply to you. Over time, you will start realizing what you ARE interested in because you are so used to doing things that have no interest to you. APs often have an emptier sense of self, and knowing what genuinely interests them is often a confusing process because they have never/rarely practiced finding/executing their own interests. thanks a lot for this. I have really been reflecting on what you said about quietness/neutrality and funnily enough working on this with my therapist as a way to better regulate my nervous system, and stop swinging from intensity in emotions, even if they are good feeling emotions. I have trouble with being still and feeling neutral. I am looking forward to getting closer to a place where I can be comfortable being content on my own doing my own thing without obsessing over or wanting to be with a partner. oo that's a really good point on emotion intensity, even if they are positive emotions. One thing I did was to work out the negative ones I stored in me - cry for no reason, allow myself to feel sad, be angry etc etc. Acknowledging and expressing the stored negative emotions in safe ways allowed me to empty myself and "reset" the system. when the system is empty, it allowed me to have more control over my emotions, make space for both positive and negative emotions, and for the positive ones to stay longer. |
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