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Post by amber on Nov 26, 2020 5:06:31 GMT
hello all, be interested to hear from people dating after the age of 35 or have found a healthy relationship. Ive just turned 37 and am trying not to buy into those fears around "I won't meet anyone or anyone decent because of my age" etc...its hard not to believe that. Ive been single since my breakup with FA a year ago, and now feeling more confronted with getting closer to 40 and really wanting a r/ship. Have done heaps of work on myself the last year and am on dating sites, but its difficult meeting people. lots of phone convos with guys that I just don't feel a connection with that go on and on about themselves, trying to impress me like doing a peacock dance or something lol.
any thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2020 5:26:55 GMT
uh, i'm 34, do I qualify?  |
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Post by amber on Nov 26, 2020 6:17:49 GMT
uh, i'm 34, do I qualify? yes!! just lol |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 26, 2020 7:23:10 GMT
amber, it's a numbers game (not age, just meeting people until there is a connection), but it'll be okay! I wrote about my time dating the last couple years in the secure board thread. Several months in, things are still going great with my we're-both-over-35 boyfriend. It took an open mind, patience, and breaks when I got too frustrated with bad dates, but good partners are still out there even if it takes some time to find them! All those bad dates allowed me to recognize good ones, whether or not they happened when or how I expected Hang in there. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1723/trying-date-first-earned-secure
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2020 7:24:23 GMT
so, I definitely felt like this (will never meet anyone!) since I was in my 20s really. When I broke off with my last ex about 3 years ago, I was around 30/31. At some point, I really just decided that I'd rather be alone and have nothing, than be with someone and have negative things in my life. I explored why I had this fear, and my general conclusions were that I felt incompetent and unable to take care of myself. I feel like adulting is difficult for me, like doing taxes and investments. I'm also prone to being naive and vulnerable so I often get caught up in bad situations, and find it difficult to navigate working life like politics and professional boundaries. So, I tended towards men who are professionally successful and usually a shade of avoidant. So, I "reorganized" my criteria list and focused much more on how I feel when I am with the person and what that person is like - I wanted to be with someone whom I felt safe, stable and secure, focused on working together as a team towards a better future. I also have a new principle that I have "no time to waste". it isn't about making someone else do what I want e.g., have children, but I really just don't have time nor energy to waste on people who do not know what they want with me or just in general. I used to mistake dating ambiguity and a lack of commitment with the need to give it time and space for the relationship to grow - that's something I made sure I changed.
At the time of breaking up, I had just relocated to a different country so I had to start all over again, and the dating norms are very different here too! Meeting people can be very tiresome, so I don't waste too much time with anyone really. I don't invest in anyone unless there's a very clear, committed, and communicated relationship where both parties were able to communicate with and consider for each other = this applied to a "friends with benefits" situation as well. I also tried not to judge any experiences I've had so that I don't waste more emotional energy on it. If it didn't feel good, I acknowledged it, took the hit, and went to do something nice for myself; I try to make every encounter a fun one, with an open mind and some interest in that individual, just as an individual.
On some days, it's really hard of course, because it felt like I was just unlovable and didn't get along with anyone. There is of course a lingering fear that I will never be able to find someone else, but that is just something I acknowledged and accepted. It is undesirable but it is FINE.
I am currently now in a stable healthy relationship for 1+year now. He came along after I "rejigged" my system, had a firmer criteria list (that is focused around how I feel), and went through a spate of terrible dating and an encounter with another DA (I considered these teething lessons, where I put in practice my newfound skills).
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Post by amber on Nov 26, 2020 7:56:58 GMT
so, I definitely felt like this (will never meet anyone!) since I was in my 20s really. When I broke off with my last ex about 3 years ago, I was around 30/31. At some point, I really just decided that I'd rather be alone and have nothing, than be with someone and have negative things in my life. I explored why I had this fear, and my general conclusions were that I felt incompetent and unable to take care of myself. I feel like adulting is difficult for me, like doing taxes and investments. I'm also prone to being naive and vulnerable so I often get caught up in bad situations, and find it difficult to navigate working life like politics and professional boundaries. So, I tended towards men who are professionally successful and usually a shade of avoidant. So, I "reorganized" my criteria list and focused much more on how I feel when I am with the person and what that person is like - I wanted to be with someone whom I felt safe, stable and secure, focused on working together as a team towards a better future. I also have a new principle that I have "no time to waste". it isn't about making someone else do what I want e.g., have children, but I really just don't have time nor energy to waste on people who do not know what they want with me or just in general. I used to mistake dating ambiguity and a lack of commitment with the need to give it time and space for the relationship to grow - that's something I made sure I changed. At the time of breaking up, I had just relocated to a different country so I had to start all over again, and the dating norms are very different here too! Meeting people can be very tiresome, so I don't waste too much time with anyone really. I don't invest in anyone unless there's a very clear, committed, and communicated relationship where both parties were able to communicate with and consider for each other = this applied to a "friends with benefits" situation as well. I also tried not to judge any experiences I've had so that I don't waste more emotional energy on it. If it didn't feel good, I acknowledged it, took the hit, and went to do something nice for myself; I try to make every encounter a fun one, with an open mind and some interest in that individual, just as an individual. On some days, it's really hard of course, because it felt like I was just unlovable and didn't get along with anyone. There is of course a lingering fear that I will never be able to find someone else, but that is just something I acknowledged and accepted. It is undesirable but it is FINE. I am currently now in a stable healthy relationship for 1+year now. He came along after I "rejigged" my system, had a firmer criteria list (that is focused around how I feel), and went through a spate of terrible dating and an encounter with another DA (I considered these teething lessons, where I put in practice my newfound skills). wow I love what you wrote about re-jigging your r/ship priorities and expectations. I think I will try to focus more on how I feel with a person rather than a tick box type list. how did you make the discernment between r/ship ambiguity and commitment and giving time and space for it to grow? Im curious to hear more about this as I struggle with this too! its so hard to tell with some men; whether to just allow space and see if something forms or nip it in the butt..where do you draw the line? great to hear you have found someone though, thats really awesome he showed up after you changed your boundaries and began valuing yourself and what you want more! |
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Post by amber on Nov 26, 2020 7:58:43 GMT
amber , it's a numbers game (not age, just meeting people until there is a connection), but it'll be okay! I wrote about my time dating the last couple years in the secure board thread. Several months in, things are still going great with my we're-both-over-35 boyfriend. It took an open mind, patience, and breaks when I got too frustrated with bad dates, but good partners are still out there even if it takes some time to find them! All those bad dates allowed me to recognize good ones, whether or not they happened when or how I expected Hang in there. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1723/trying-date-first-earned-secure thanks!! yeah I know its a numbers game, but it feels like running a marathon in the heat with no shoes on on bits of broken glass lol. I've never done online dating before, ive been lucky to have always met men out and about in person. im hoping now the lockdown is over here ill have more of an opportunity to meet people face to face. great to hear you've met someone in my age group, gives me hope! some of my friends have too which is good, I think I just get stuck in a negative mindset sometimes and worry about becoming an old cat lady lol |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 26, 2020 8:11:29 GMT
amber, I get it. And I have entirely too many stories about guys being neither serious nor stable. But I also started noticing the existence of the good ones more even if we didn't connect well (confirming that some exist!). That about a third of the guys I was meeting seemed stable, which meant it wasn't all men over 35 who were single because they had issues with commitment or adulting or whatever. So, they were out there, I just needed to walk away from the man-child ones quickly and stay open to meeting new people until I found one both stable and compatible. Statistically, it seemed possible. The 33% that was my experience isn't a majority but it's still every third guy, so it wasn't that bad once as I looked at it from a "it's possible" mindset and not a scarcity one. It helped to keep my filters to exactly what I was looking for, though. Relationship / marriage, eventually wants children. When I deviated from that thinking it might help me broaden my scope (opening up to guys who didn't list what they were looking for outright), it always was a waste of my time.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 26, 2020 8:25:59 GMT
*and when I say a third, it's just out of the ones I met, whether virtually or in person. I filtered many, many others out over questionable profiles or bad conversations over the app once we matched. Or the conversations just went no where because the men didn't put in any effort. I let those drop off instead of trying to carry the conversation (which I used to do when AP).
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2020 0:15:38 GMT
so, I definitely felt like this (will never meet anyone!) since I was in my 20s really. When I broke off with my last ex about 3 years ago, I was around 30/31. At some point, I really just decided that I'd rather be alone and have nothing, than be with someone and have negative things in my life. I explored why I had this fear, and my general conclusions were that I felt incompetent and unable to take care of myself. I feel like adulting is difficult for me, like doing taxes and investments. I'm also prone to being naive and vulnerable so I often get caught up in bad situations, and find it difficult to navigate working life like politics and professional boundaries. So, I tended towards men who are professionally successful and usually a shade of avoidant. So, I "reorganized" my criteria list and focused much more on how I feel when I am with the person and what that person is like - I wanted to be with someone whom I felt safe, stable and secure, focused on working together as a team towards a better future. I also have a new principle that I have "no time to waste". it isn't about making someone else do what I want e.g., have children, but I really just don't have time nor energy to waste on people who do not know what they want with me or just in general. I used to mistake dating ambiguity and a lack of commitment with the need to give it time and space for the relationship to grow - that's something I made sure I changed. At the time of breaking up, I had just relocated to a different country so I had to start all over again, and the dating norms are very different here too! Meeting people can be very tiresome, so I don't waste too much time with anyone really. I don't invest in anyone unless there's a very clear, committed, and communicated relationship where both parties were able to communicate with and consider for each other = this applied to a "friends with benefits" situation as well. I also tried not to judge any experiences I've had so that I don't waste more emotional energy on it. If it didn't feel good, I acknowledged it, took the hit, and went to do something nice for myself; I try to make every encounter a fun one, with an open mind and some interest in that individual, just as an individual. On some days, it's really hard of course, because it felt like I was just unlovable and didn't get along with anyone. There is of course a lingering fear that I will never be able to find someone else, but that is just something I acknowledged and accepted. It is undesirable but it is FINE. I am currently now in a stable healthy relationship for 1+year now. He came along after I "rejigged" my system, had a firmer criteria list (that is focused around how I feel), and went through a spate of terrible dating and an encounter with another DA (I considered these teething lessons, where I put in practice my newfound skills). wow I love what you wrote about re-jigging your r/ship priorities and expectations. I think I will try to focus more on how I feel with a person rather than a tick box type list. how did you make the discernment between r/ship ambiguity and commitment and giving time and space for it to grow? Im curious to hear more about this as I struggle with this too! its so hard to tell with some men; whether to just allow space and see if something forms or nip it in the butt..where do you draw the line? great to hear you have found someone though, thats really awesome he showed up after you changed your boundaries and began valuing yourself and what you want more! Good question. My general take is to let them come to me and see if they are making moves to further it. 1 APs chase, which suck for everyone, so I stop chasing. I don't think I had to worry about going too far the other direction - APs tend to chase, so at some point, I just reached a nice middle ground. I don't give someone more than 2 chances. This is super cliched, but if someone wants you they'd make time for you. My ex (actually FA, though I thought he was DA) was a super high flyer - before we got together, he would call or text me at 5am if he had no other time slot. After we got together, nada. The job didn't change, the person's interest did. So rule of thumb, I do not accept hot/cold anymore. I make it very explicit that if it goes cold, it goes dead. I also keep myself (it's a struggle for sure) very centered and neutral, with no emotions. I don't just too much what this person is doing - if he's peacock dancing, then just enjoy it for what it is, don't have too many emotional reactions to it. Keep it very mindful and judgement free (it's easier on yourself). I do not think too much whether or not I like this person, if we work well together, if we have a future together etc etc etc. I go on a date, I ask myself if it went ok. If it didn't go positive/neutral, then I don't see the person again. If it went ok/positive, then I'll see the person again (if asked). I might initiate as well, to be fair, but it's always mirroring the other party. I don't invest more than the other party does. Some might see it as a game, but I don't do it with the intention of "reeling him in". I do it because it's fair to both parties and it's the best way to stop the AP fantasizing and over investment. 2 Fundamentally, listen to your gut. Is this person genuinely interested in me and being here with me? Is he being careful or is there some shade of unavailability? How do you feel when you're with this person? Do you feel like you're just entertainment? If someone is pulling out all the stops to entertain me, I'm also wary of that. I don't read too much into what they do at any given date, but I evaluate the trajectory and the overall consistency and actions of the person. So, the DA I was kinda skirting around was clearly interested in me but never made obvious moves to further the relationship - I had to do all the work if there was to be a relationship. As much as I like that person, do I really want that? No, I want someone who adores me and wants me clearly and loudly. I want to feel like my partner is proud to have me. I want a partner who is willing and able to declare to everyone that I am his and he is mine. I want a partner who is willing and able to communicate and share the emotional labor. In a way, I ask myself, do I want to feel the way I feel on this date everyday for the next 3 months? 3 Be frank with yourself and the other person. I state quite clearly what it is I want and how I feel, and then see how they react. I don't rush them into decisions nor get rushed by them into decisions (especially sex!), and then if someone is truly interested but we need time and space, it's a respectful mutual decision to do that. Also, if it's relationship ambiguity (vs needing time and space), there tends to be inconsistency. For example, acting like he's super interested in you when you meet but silence between dates (maybe for some it's normal but it's not for me, so "inconsistency" is also partly how you define it), or saying that he really respects you and your boundaries but pushing for intimacy all the time, or saying that he wants a strong foundation for a relationship but makes no effort to know you as an individual/friend/woman, or lovebombs you but never making real emotional commitment moves. All of these examples have happened to me during my short dating period here! The nuances of conversation also matter. For example, the discussion around marriage and kids is a classic one. When someone is ambiguous with you, they talk in generic terms or about what they want but you aren't really in the plans. So they'd present a nice little story that sounds lovely but there isn't really anything there for you or about you or concerns you. I think someone who is genuinely interested will present their preferences, LISTEN to yours, and then assess/discuss if it's compatible. It's really about whether the person is taking an interest in you AND incorporating that into their thinking/plans/evaluation. It's not just about whether the person asks about you and listens to you, it's what they do with the information that really counts. This takes abit of time though, because initial phases of dating is really just about stating preferences, so discerning real need for development versus ambiguity is dependent on how the conversations and actions go over time. 4 Is there room for the relationship to develop? This is something you really need to be frank with yourself as well, and not listen to those emotions. Can you see a real future together where you can be yourself without changing too much? Is there growing interest in this person or is the "interestingness" of this person plateauing? When you are together, does it feel expansive or restrictive? When you imagine a future together, is it based on imagination or is it based on experience that there is growth? In what direction is this growing in, and does it suit you? Every relationship has the potential to develop, even the ambiguous ones - the question is if this projected growth is desirable for you. My current partner and I were very very lucky to have met each other when we did. I think we both did alot of inner work and got to a point where it was no nonsense, so we skipped all the games part. Every move he made, I matched it, so it was really up to him to advance the relationship (I already decided I would date him seriously lol). This also means that as an AP, you step back and slow your roll, letting someone else advance the relationship. This frees up your energy and resources which you then use to assess how someone behaves during this period, and deciding if this is someone you trust and want in your life. If you chase, your energy is spent in thinking of moves, worrying about his interest, and managing your emotions. I suggest you watch lots of Steve Harvey because he has some very good advice that I used as it really addresses some of the most AP thoughts/actions. The one rule I did adopt is his 90-day rule - no sex. You very quickly see if it's rship ambiguity or it just needs time/space. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2020 1:11:31 GMT
My current partner and I were very very lucky to have met each other when we did. I think we both did alot of inner work and got to a point where it was no nonsense, so we skipped all the games part. I agree with all she wrote and especially this. We did the same (my bf is also earned secure and finished getting there before we met), and there was no nonsense or games. We were both very direct. I continued dating others for a bit (which during covid meant safely talking and social distancing, not being physical with anyone as I didn't want to expose anyone to anything) to make it easier to pace myself and let my bf show me who he was without my jumping ahead. I used to not do that, but when the focus is on early dates just to get to know others neutrally and not pursuing dates for an immediate and intense connection, I didn't feel like multi-dating was adding extra distance or distraction. It wasn't taking anything away from what my bf and I were building, it just seemed natural to me as a recovering AP to get to know each other a bit, have our own lives, and not instantly commit (instantly meaning in the first couple months, not actually dragging out a commitment). But he also basically stopped talking to anyone else immediately after we met, apparently  |
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Post by amber on Nov 30, 2020 6:59:25 GMT
wow I love what you wrote about re-jigging your r/ship priorities and expectations. I think I will try to focus more on how I feel with a person rather than a tick box type list. how did you make the discernment between r/ship ambiguity and commitment and giving time and space for it to grow? Im curious to hear more about this as I struggle with this too! its so hard to tell with some men; whether to just allow space and see if something forms or nip it in the butt..where do you draw the line? great to hear you have found someone though, thats really awesome he showed up after you changed your boundaries and began valuing yourself and what you want more! Good question. My general take is to let them come to me and see if they are making moves to further it. 1 APs chase, which suck for everyone, so I stop chasing. I don't think I had to worry about going too far the other direction - APs tend to chase, so at some point, I just reached a nice middle ground. I don't give someone more than 2 chances. This is super cliched, but if someone wants you they'd make time for you. My ex (actually FA, though I thought he was DA) was a super high flyer - before we got together, he would call or text me at 5am if he had no other time slot. After we got together, nada. The job didn't change, the person's interest did. So rule of thumb, I do not accept hot/cold anymore. I make it very explicit that if it goes cold, it goes dead. I also keep myself (it's a struggle for sure) very centered and neutral, with no emotions. I don't just too much what this person is doing - if he's peacock dancing, then just enjoy it for what it is, don't have too many emotional reactions to it. Keep it very mindful and judgement free (it's easier on yourself). I do not think too much whether or not I like this person, if we work well together, if we have a future together etc etc etc. I go on a date, I ask myself if it went ok. If it didn't go positive/neutral, then I don't see the person again. If it went ok/positive, then I'll see the person again (if asked). I might initiate as well, to be fair, but it's always mirroring the other party. I don't invest more than the other party does. Some might see it as a game, but I don't do it with the intention of "reeling him in". I do it because it's fair to both parties and it's the best way to stop the AP fantasizing and over investment. 2 Fundamentally, listen to your gut. Is this person genuinely interested in me and being here with me? Is he being careful or is there some shade of unavailability? How do you feel when you're with this person? Do you feel like you're just entertainment? If someone is pulling out all the stops to entertain me, I'm also wary of that. I don't read too much into what they do at any given date, but I evaluate the trajectory and the overall consistency and actions of the person. So, the DA I was kinda skirting around was clearly interested in me but never made obvious moves to further the relationship - I had to do all the work if there was to be a relationship. As much as I like that person, do I really want that? No, I want someone who adores me and wants me clearly and loudly. I want to feel like my partner is proud to have me. I want a partner who is willing and able to declare to everyone that I am his and he is mine. I want a partner who is willing and able to communicate and share the emotional labor. In a way, I ask myself, do I want to feel the way I feel on this date everyday for the next 3 months? 3 Be frank with yourself and the other person. I state quite clearly what it is I want and how I feel, and then see how they react. I don't rush them into decisions nor get rushed by them into decisions (especially sex!), and then if someone is truly interested but we need time and space, it's a respectful mutual decision to do that. Also, if it's relationship ambiguity (vs needing time and space), there tends to be inconsistency. For example, acting like he's super interested in you when you meet but silence between dates (maybe for some it's normal but it's not for me, so "inconsistency" is also partly how you define it), or saying that he really respects you and your boundaries but pushing for intimacy all the time, or saying that he wants a strong foundation for a relationship but makes no effort to know you as an individual/friend/woman, or lovebombs you but never making real emotional commitment moves. All of these examples have happened to me during my short dating period here! The nuances of conversation also matter. For example, the discussion around marriage and kids is a classic one. When someone is ambiguous with you, they talk in generic terms or about what they want but you aren't really in the plans. So they'd present a nice little story that sounds lovely but there isn't really anything there for you or about you or concerns you. I think someone who is genuinely interested will present their preferences, LISTEN to yours, and then assess/discuss if it's compatible. It's really about whether the person is taking an interest in you AND incorporating that into their thinking/plans/evaluation. It's not just about whether the person asks about you and listens to you, it's what they do with the information that really counts. This takes abit of time though, because initial phases of dating is really just about stating preferences, so discerning real need for development versus ambiguity is dependent on how the conversations and actions go over time. 4 Is there room for the relationship to develop? This is something you really need to be frank with yourself as well, and not listen to those emotions. Can you see a real future together where you can be yourself without changing too much? Is there growing interest in this person or is the "interestingness" of this person plateauing? When you are together, does it feel expansive or restrictive? When you imagine a future together, is it based on imagination or is it based on experience that there is growth? In what direction is this growing in, and does it suit you? Every relationship has the potential to develop, even the ambiguous ones - the question is if this projected growth is desirable for you. My current partner and I were very very lucky to have met each other when we did. I think we both did alot of inner work and got to a point where it was no nonsense, so we skipped all the games part. Every move he made, I matched it, so it was really up to him to advance the relationship (I already decided I would date him seriously lol). This also means that as an AP, you step back and slow your roll, letting someone else advance the relationship. This frees up your energy and resources which you then use to assess how someone behaves during this period, and deciding if this is someone you trust and want in your life. If you chase, your energy is spent in thinking of moves, worrying about his interest, and managing your emotions. I suggest you watch lots of Steve Harvey because he has some very good advice that I used as it really addresses some of the most AP thoughts/actions. The one rule I did adopt is his 90-day rule - no sex. You very quickly see if it's rship ambiguity or it just needs time/space. wow thanks so much this is so much awesome info!! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond with such thought and detail. amazing that you were able to implement these boundaries and be strong enough to know what you want and let go of people who are not right for what you are seeking. you mean give people two chances if they are flaky as an example? its very hard for me to know when to slow my roll with people as I have trouble discerning between how much is enough and how much is too much...I definetly chased or pushed my ex DA for a long term r/ship (took him 6 mo to decide), but part of me thinks it was worth it in the long run because we had quite a good r/ship that wouldn't have happened had I not persisted...so I have arguments like this in my head. but I like the no sex for 90 day rule!! not sure how great id be at implementing that lol |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2020 11:17:50 GMT
amber, that is always the risk - what is enough and what is too much. at the end of the day, i think making a decision based on calmness, neutrality and honesty is the key. it might be very easy to swing into an extreme decision or have hard and fast rules to try to compensate for it, which is counterproductive in its own way. there're some people i give more leeway and some even less. but my general rule of thumb is - is there enough mutuality and reciprocity? and also, what is the prognosis of this relationship? these days, i evaluate it as a business deal - is it worth the multiple sales pitch to get a client for what looks like a 3 month contract? yes, perhaps chasing my "almost" DA may have resulted in a nice thing, but what I want is a long-lasting stable thing, not a nice thing that doesn't mean very much in the long run except for a nice memory!! I've already had plenty of "nice" relationships, so it's not really important for me anymore to have these relationships - choosing "nice" but not lasting relationships is a reflection of a scarcity mindset. we do not have a lot of stable, loving relationships so we rather have something, anything rather than nothing, and HOPE that it becomes something. I'm all for "nice" relationships cos I've plenty of those and it was lovely, but these days I fully recognize them for what they are and I act accordingly. That is also why I no longer sleep with men I'm attracted to but am not in a relationship with; if I sleep with someone, it's with the full understanding that I either never see them again (or wouldn't care if I don't) or we're actually working towards a stable relationship. the situationships were very difficult for me. this is, of course, a decision I made because I'm 35 now and am much more practical than I was at 25. every decision made has costs, and unfortunately for me, these costs were both professional and personal costs that were far greater for me than for the men. so, it really didn't matter at the end of someone was DA, FA, a player, not into me etc etc - as long as it is not a beneficial relationship to me (and the kind of life I want to live) beyond feelings of passion, I choose not to maintain the connection. I would not chase - I would make it plain that I appreciate the relationship and I want to develop it, and I will make some effort to do so, but I will mirror any subsequent effort. make some rules for yourself and check in with others if they were reasonable. that would just start you off with something concrete and you will adjust over time. for example, if I'm interested in someone, I will initiate dates at most twice - if he says no to both, stop. if he goes but does not ask you out again, stop. it's a bit mechanical but it takes the burden off you to decide on actions based on your emotions. i don't initiate conversations more than twice in a row. you only need a minimum of 2-3 times to evaluate trajectories, and then conclude if someone is flaky - that's all the chances you need to give. As an AP, it's very easy to make the first move and initiate everything because it's almost effortless, but your energy and time IS precious. treat it accordingly.
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Post by lovebunny on Nov 30, 2020 14:54:48 GMT
I left a marriage at age 42, jumped quickly into dating, and I'm 48 now. I should specify I date both genders, which you'd think would increase my chances, but actually, a lot of people won't date bisexuals.
Since my divorce, I've had many dates, a few flings, and am on my 4th relationship. My first post-marriage relationship lasted 8 months with a total Peter Pan guy, the next was a 2 1/2 year on-and-off hot mess with a woman with BPD, then I had another 8-monther with an FA.
I've been with my current boyfriend 9 months and we're starting to talk about cohabitating down the road. He is successful, kind, great in bed, and mostly secure with a little FA here and there. He does come with baggage (2 ex wives with legal ties to him still, 2 kids.)
Most of the people I met online dating, except my last girlfriend I met through mutual friends. I think my current guy is the first secure I've dated longterm since my marriage. I'm also becoming more secure, which helps.
In short, yes, you can find good looking, successful, secure quality people to date, but it is definitely a numbers game and especially if you've got your own attachment issues, you may attract/be attracted to the wrong sort. I live on an island with a limited dating pool, and as an AP, often struggle with the scarcity mindset.
But at this point, given that I've had as many people interested in me as I have, I don't see myself dying alone, so that's good.
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2020 0:54:08 GMT
I left a marriage at age 42, jumped quickly into dating, and I'm 48 now. I should specify I date both genders, which you'd think would increase my chances, but actually, a lot of people won't date bisexuals. Since my divorce, I've had many dates, a few flings, and am on my 4th relationship. My first post-marriage relationship lasted 8 months with a total Peter Pan guy, the next was a 2 1/2 year on-and-off hot mess with a woman with BPD, then I had another 8-monther with an FA. I've been with my current boyfriend 9 months and we're starting to talk about cohabitating down the road. He is successful, kind, great in bed, and mostly secure with a little FA here and there. He does come with baggage (2 ex wives with legal ties to him still, 2 kids.) Most of the people I met online dating, except my last girlfriend I met through mutual friends. I think my current guy is the first secure I've dated longterm since my marriage. I'm also becoming more secure, which helps. In short, yes, you can find good looking, successful, secure quality people to date, but it is definitely a numbers game and especially if you've got your own attachment issues, you may attract/be attracted to the wrong sort. I live on an island with a limited dating pool, and as an AP, often struggle with the scarcity mindset. But at this point, given that I've had as many people interested in me as I have, I don't see myself dying alone, so that's good. that's great to hear! Ive been having these silly thoughts since I turned 37 that maybe im getting too old, all the good men are gone, all the good men left only want women younger than me lol. I know this isn't true though, the world is not that black and white and neither are people or r/ships. but good to hear you've done the work and attracted someone more secure. |
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