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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2020 0:55:55 GMT
amber , that is always the risk - what is enough and what is too much. at the end of the day, i think making a decision based on calmness, neutrality and honesty is the key. it might be very easy to swing into an extreme decision or have hard and fast rules to try to compensate for it, which is counterproductive in its own way. there're some people i give more leeway and some even less. but my general rule of thumb is - is there enough mutuality and reciprocity? and also, what is the prognosis of this relationship? these days, i evaluate it as a business deal - is it worth the multiple sales pitch to get a client for what looks like a 3 month contract? yes, perhaps chasing my "almost" DA may have resulted in a nice thing, but what I want is a long-lasting stable thing, not a nice thing that doesn't mean very much in the long run except for a nice memory!! I've already had plenty of "nice" relationships, so it's not really important for me anymore to have these relationships - choosing "nice" but not lasting relationships is a reflection of a scarcity mindset. we do not have a lot of stable, loving relationships so we rather have something, anything rather than nothing, and HOPE that it becomes something. I'm all for "nice" relationships cos I've plenty of those and it was lovely, but these days I fully recognize them for what they are and I act accordingly. That is also why I no longer sleep with men I'm attracted to but am not in a relationship with; if I sleep with someone, it's with the full understanding that I either never see them again (or wouldn't care if I don't) or we're actually working towards a stable relationship. the situationships were very difficult for me. this is, of course, a decision I made because I'm 35 now and am much more practical than I was at 25. every decision made has costs, and unfortunately for me, these costs were both professional and personal costs that were far greater for me than for the men. so, it really didn't matter at the end of someone was DA, FA, a player, not into me etc etc - as long as it is not a beneficial relationship to me (and the kind of life I want to live) beyond feelings of passion, I choose not to maintain the connection. I would not chase - I would make it plain that I appreciate the relationship and I want to develop it, and I will make some effort to do so, but I will mirror any subsequent effort. make some rules for yourself and check in with others if they were reasonable. that would just start you off with something concrete and you will adjust over time. for example, if I'm interested in someone, I will initiate dates at most twice - if he says no to both, stop. if he goes but does not ask you out again, stop. it's a bit mechanical but it takes the burden off you to decide on actions based on your emotions. i don't initiate conversations more than twice in a row. you only need a minimum of 2-3 times to evaluate trajectories, and then conclude if someone is flaky - that's all the chances you need to give. As an AP, it's very easy to make the first move and initiate everything because it's almost effortless, but your energy and time IS precious. treat it accordingly. thanks I appreciate this, lots of food for thought. im definetly approaching dating differently this time and feel a lot more aware of insecure people, and in fact actually feel turned off by it. I am not allowing people in just for sex or a bit of fun as the stakes are higher being 37. when you are in your twenties you feel like you will live and be young forever and act accordingly! |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 3, 2020 2:12:47 GMT
im definetly approaching dating differently this time and feel a lot more aware of insecure people, and in fact actually feel turned off by it. This is so good. When I started feeling this way (turned off by unavailability / inconsistency, no longer thinking it was cute) was when I knew everything would eventually be okay lol. It reflects your own growing security, so bravo! |
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2020 4:06:37 GMT
im definetly approaching dating differently this time and feel a lot more aware of insecure people, and in fact actually feel turned off by it. This is so good. When I started feeling this way (turned off by unavailability / inconsistency, no longer thinking it was cute) was when I knew everything would eventually be okay lol. It reflects your own growing security, so bravo! thanks thats so good to hear! its definetly a good sign. im yet to meet someone I feel a connection with, but im defo put off certain behaviours like intensity at the start, over disclosing, lots of compliments and attention. I just find it icky. I think people show you their red flags at the start...its good to see this in a much different light |
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Post by simply on Feb 6, 2021 13:51:52 GMT
@shiningstar how do you accept that lingering fear that you might not be able to find someone else? I feel overwhelmed by this fear and that people will also pick up on my fear and run away.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 6, 2021 18:18:23 GMT
@shiningstar how do you accept that lingering fear that you might not be able to find someone else? I feel overwhelmed by this fear and that people will also pick up on my fear and run away. I am not shinning star but for me...I had to become ok with the potential of being single for a while. I think when you can find peace with yourself and no longer need a partner but want a partner...you will become less anxious and more attractive to potential daters. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2021 5:16:19 GMT
@shiningstar how do you accept that lingering fear that you might not be able to find someone else? I feel overwhelmed by this fear and that people will also pick up on my fear and run away. I felt strongly at that time that I'd rather have nothing than to have bad things in my life. It wasn't that I didn't feel fear - of course I did!!! The difference was that in the past, I only had this fear - I didn't have "a want of peace", so i never acted from there. At this point, I have this want of peace as well, and it comes from a place of self-love and protection, and importantly, a neutrality achieved by having a changed mindset (or just getting wiser). So now, I have a choice of where I can act from - a place of fear or a place for peace. Having these two wants also balance each other out - wanting only peace may mean that I just never give any one a chance, but wanting only out of fear may mean I give everyone a chance. I think the need for peace and stability was way stronger than my fear of being alone, or in other words, the "want (of peace)" from a neutral place is stronger than the "want (of partner)" from a place of fear. Even when this feeling of wanting peace started, I was still learning how not to act from a place of fear. It took a few dating tries to adjust, and even then, it wasn't always stable. by the time I got to my current partner, I was so over dating that I wasn't invested in him at all. We got together because we experienced something serious together, and it allowed us to observe each other in stressful times and propelled the relationship forward. Having this fear is very normal and human!! I won't parade this fear to potential dating partners (in case they are manipulative as hell) but I would not be so quick to get rid of it. For me, the best way forward is to acknowledge that fear and reconsider your ACTIONS. 1. check your dating patterns, decision-making process, and choice of partner. i think we talked alot about this on the forum though. In sum, for me the person has to meet all the basic criteria first (has a decent job, doesn't do drugs, decent and kind respectful person to me and others) and then I ask myself how do I feel with this person? Does this person trigger my fear of being alone (and therefore want him/her) or this person brings me calmness and joy consistently (and therefore there is no constant question about being together)? I have a list of how I want to feel everyday, so i just check against that list. Make your own list but check out #2/3 below first then decide what that list is. 2. have more feelings than just fear of being alone. There's fear of being abuse, there's joy at being wanted, there's anger at having your time wasted, there's serenity at having security, there's gratitude at being respected and honored. So, I would encourage a greater exploration of emotions you can have, from past experiences and from imagining a future. When you have a greater repertoire of emotions, it's easier to pick which one to nurture more of, where to act from and have checks and balances. This is where you curate #1. 3. more importantly, having self-awareness, courage and develop the skills for regulating your emotions and differentiating your actions from emotions. So, knowing and feeling your emotions, but choosing how to act is different. The ability to choose one's actions regardless of emotions is a very powerful and empowering one - those who are manipulative will sense that and avoid you/those who are not will respect you. This is what you do when #1/#2 are not met. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Feb 8, 2021 4:57:48 GMT
I'm 43, Asian male, single dad with 2 kids trying to date in the western world. Now THATS difficult.
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 20, 2021 8:54:56 GMT
hello all, be interested to hear from people dating after the age of 35 or have found a healthy relationship. Ive just turned 37 and am trying not to buy into those fears around "I won't meet anyone or anyone decent because of my age" etc...its hard not to believe that. Ive been single since my breakup with FA a year ago, and now feeling more confronted with getting closer to 40 and really wanting a r/ship. Have done heaps of work on myself the last year and am on dating sites, but its difficult meeting people. lots of phone convos with guys that I just don't feel a connection with that go on and on about themselves, trying to impress me like doing a peacock dance or something lol. any thoughts? I’m 39 and my FA partner of almost a year suddenly and abruptly walked out and left (we had just moved in together). It’s not going well for me. 😆 |
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