Post by seeking on Dec 21, 2020 3:21:19 GMT
I am talking to a new guy and watching what I do ...
This feels terrible (and almost narcissistic, but I'm beginning to see it more as anxiety). But one of the first things is like assess value in terms of what I want. I think everyone must do this to some extent, but it's pretty hard to watch.
So I would want to have more kids - ie., he has younger kids. Or maybe mom isn't in picture. Or maybe interested in adoption. Or he has a lot of money. Or he is highly intelligent and emotionally aware. It's as if all these things somehow would "guarantee" something for me. Like I think I've been such a commitment "phobe" that I need to have something else in the picture than just the relationship..
Which, again, seems like a lot of people - right? Esp. people of marrying age/child-bearing age - it gives you a structure - can he be a good dad/a good provider? Does he want kids/does he want what I want, etc.
Now, in my 40s, it's strange. What do we want? What do I want? Not want....
So this new guy has the degrees, the intelligence, the wit, the humor, the sensitivity - I love all of it. But appearance, I'm nervous about. I'm encouraging a zoom date pre-meeting in person. If both those go well, I'll be surprised. But I'm trying to be open-minded.
We had a very easy, long conversation last night and clearly can talk and talk .... lots of connection with that.
I also like that he has boundaries. That feels safe to me - makes him feel safe.
And that was kind of a new/good thing for me to notice.
But then he said he was "smitten" he said in a sweet, light way - fine. He texted later that he enjoyed talking - we had set up a coffee date for about 2 weeks from now, but I think I'd like to do Zoom sooner b/c I don't want to create all that expectation without the physical.
I also watched myself overlook things. He smokes pot. I don't. He admits to kind of using it for trauma from his divorce. Honestly, I have plenty of my own trauma, and if I could maybe I would smoke pot too - no idea. I just don't b/c I don't like how it makes me feel and I tend to use food. He's also an atheist, which could bother me. It may or may not. And our politics are completely different. I'm unusual in mine and he's pretty odd in his. So it's not like black and white. We are both intelligent and open-minded, but I am surprised I'm kind of letting all that stuff go for the time being...
But as a probably avoidant, I'll probably use it later as an excuse. I'll find him very endearing, but say I can't be attracted to him or "I can't date an atheist."
Again, this is where it goes back to being "easier" (not really) (but in my mind) to when you're searching for characteristics to raising kids. And that's not really super relevant right now. My kid is 11. She's pretty spiritual - we both are. And his kids are a huge range in age, the youngest 7 or 9 I think and two older ones...(one grown, one 18). So maybe it's relevant. Or maybe it's just "different ideas."
Honestly, at this point, I'd be really surprised to meet and like anyone, let alone someone with like-minded spiritual ideas.
So today he checked in and I spontaneously was like "Want to Zoom" and he said he was tied up with stuff til 6 - and I liked him even more? Which has another avoidant-seeming flavor to it. Is that attractive to secures if someone is less available or clearly has a life?? Lol. I was like, PHEW! Then later he told me he was super busy and I was like totally relieved. I don't know if that's a good thing.
I know what I'm doing is circling around the fear of intimacy. not even so much the "fear" of it - this doesn't seem like a guy who would reject or hurt me - but the entrapment of it. I never noticed that aspect about it - or is it just two sides of the same coin? Like I used to be starkly aware of fear of rejection (with avoidant men) and now I'm terrified of feeling "trapped" which came up with this guy - b/c he seems available. <---- this is the part that I know is a red flag for me and I honestly do not know what to do about it.
Any thoughts/feedback appreciated. I'm working hard on this journey!
This feels terrible (and almost narcissistic, but I'm beginning to see it more as anxiety). But one of the first things is like assess value in terms of what I want. I think everyone must do this to some extent, but it's pretty hard to watch.
So I would want to have more kids - ie., he has younger kids. Or maybe mom isn't in picture. Or maybe interested in adoption. Or he has a lot of money. Or he is highly intelligent and emotionally aware. It's as if all these things somehow would "guarantee" something for me. Like I think I've been such a commitment "phobe" that I need to have something else in the picture than just the relationship..
Which, again, seems like a lot of people - right? Esp. people of marrying age/child-bearing age - it gives you a structure - can he be a good dad/a good provider? Does he want kids/does he want what I want, etc.
Now, in my 40s, it's strange. What do we want? What do I want? Not want....
So this new guy has the degrees, the intelligence, the wit, the humor, the sensitivity - I love all of it. But appearance, I'm nervous about. I'm encouraging a zoom date pre-meeting in person. If both those go well, I'll be surprised. But I'm trying to be open-minded.
We had a very easy, long conversation last night and clearly can talk and talk .... lots of connection with that.
I also like that he has boundaries. That feels safe to me - makes him feel safe.
And that was kind of a new/good thing for me to notice.
But then he said he was "smitten" he said in a sweet, light way - fine. He texted later that he enjoyed talking - we had set up a coffee date for about 2 weeks from now, but I think I'd like to do Zoom sooner b/c I don't want to create all that expectation without the physical.
I also watched myself overlook things. He smokes pot. I don't. He admits to kind of using it for trauma from his divorce. Honestly, I have plenty of my own trauma, and if I could maybe I would smoke pot too - no idea. I just don't b/c I don't like how it makes me feel and I tend to use food. He's also an atheist, which could bother me. It may or may not. And our politics are completely different. I'm unusual in mine and he's pretty odd in his. So it's not like black and white. We are both intelligent and open-minded, but I am surprised I'm kind of letting all that stuff go for the time being...
But as a probably avoidant, I'll probably use it later as an excuse. I'll find him very endearing, but say I can't be attracted to him or "I can't date an atheist."
Again, this is where it goes back to being "easier" (not really) (but in my mind) to when you're searching for characteristics to raising kids. And that's not really super relevant right now. My kid is 11. She's pretty spiritual - we both are. And his kids are a huge range in age, the youngest 7 or 9 I think and two older ones...(one grown, one 18). So maybe it's relevant. Or maybe it's just "different ideas."
Honestly, at this point, I'd be really surprised to meet and like anyone, let alone someone with like-minded spiritual ideas.
So today he checked in and I spontaneously was like "Want to Zoom" and he said he was tied up with stuff til 6 - and I liked him even more? Which has another avoidant-seeming flavor to it. Is that attractive to secures if someone is less available or clearly has a life?? Lol. I was like, PHEW! Then later he told me he was super busy and I was like totally relieved. I don't know if that's a good thing.
I know what I'm doing is circling around the fear of intimacy. not even so much the "fear" of it - this doesn't seem like a guy who would reject or hurt me - but the entrapment of it. I never noticed that aspect about it - or is it just two sides of the same coin? Like I used to be starkly aware of fear of rejection (with avoidant men) and now I'm terrified of feeling "trapped" which came up with this guy - b/c he seems available. <---- this is the part that I know is a red flag for me and I honestly do not know what to do about it.
Any thoughts/feedback appreciated. I'm working hard on this journey!