Need advice dealing with a (likely) FA ex-gf

Hey everyone, this is literally my first time ever posting on a forum, but discovering attachment theory and lurking on this board has literally been a god-send in dealing with a break-up with ex. I'm just looking for advice in how to continue to manage the situation.

My girlfriend of 5 1/2 years left me pretty suddenly a little more than two months ago. I'm 28 and she's 27.

I was admittedly always the strong one in our relationship. She's afraid of confrontation (she told me this after we started dating), so we didn't fight much in general, and there were a lot of cases where she would bottle something up, bring it out later (sometimes two years later). We're both anxious people, but I go therapy to handle my issues, and have been regularly since I was 17. She used to but stopped going a couple years ago because she repeatedly told me she hates emotions and feelings (this was a common theme). My therapist told me a year ago he thought she has Borderline Personality Disorder, which would be unsurprising because my mom has BPD.

Our relationship wasn't perfect as we had moved around a lot, both had our own job issues, broke up for two months at one point (my decision, but I matured because of it and we grew stronger) and this new job and new city were supposed to be the stability we were both looking for.

But I slumped into a really bad depression because of the pandemic, almost entirely because of my job. I was working 6-7 days a week, 50-60 hours, and never leaving the apartment. I was furloughed twice. I wasn't enjoying what I was doing. I lost all my outlets and hobbies because of closures and cancellations, and was trying to find new ones (I'm now a proud plant dad.) She was extremely emotionally supportive, but for the first time since we started dating, she was the one solely carrying the emotions of the relationship for months despite dealing with her own issues (starting school again, lost jobs, money issues, etc.).

I had some really bad depressive episodes starting in July, and tried medication but had bad side-effects from them, so I stopped. The last episode I had was in October, and she was extremely supportive, and basically told me I needed to do what I long-talked about and step away from work for a bit, and that she loved me and would support me. But then a week later, we got into a big fight (our first actual fight since May) that I started because she asked me to edit a video together for her on my day off after one of the worst weeks I had of working seven-straight days (At the start of the pandemic I basically told her with my work schedule, my days off were important to me because they're my only downtime). She told me that I was responsible for all her problems. We screamed at each other and she said she was tired of feeling like she was always doing something wrong, and that she doesn't feel like I've changed in five years (this hurt because I've matured a ton since we started dating and it's a source of pride for me). I said I guess that's it then if you don't wanna do something your partner is asking you to do that bothers him. I thought it was a fight, but she thought it was a break-up.

Within an hour, she had removed all the pictures of us off social media, was texting me about logistics of moving out. I was really in shock. We spoke for four hours the next day, I told her I didn't want this, and she basically told me she was thinking of doing since we had moved (never had given any indication the relationship was in doubt), said moving was a last-ditch effort to save the relationship (she told me she was excited and happy and called it the next chapter in our lives and told everyone she was happy there), and said that my emotions were the reason we broke up (the last fight we had gotten into in May, she apologized and said she was going to therapy -- she made a call to her university, but never followed up and I held her accountable for it in the months after). She said her mom was concerned about her well being and wanted her to move home. She basically continued to pin everything on me and my depression throughout this conversation. And she kept saying the pandemic was not an excuse for anything. (This was my fourth adult relationship -- I know break-ups are almost always a two-way street.)

Almost immediately she started sending weird signals and acting like a zombie. Despite being hurt, I said we could continue living together in separate rooms because she couldn't afford to move out and was barely making our rent. But she was sending mixed signals: she surprised with me with dinner, asked to watch shows with me, leaned on me for emotional support for her issues, talked to me constantly about her day. Then simultaneously was forcing me to sign a form to break our lease and accusing me of delaying it, despite the fact that my whole life changed and I wanted to sort through my next moves before rendering myself homeless. Eventually it erupted into a fight where I told her she wasn't respecting my boundaries and respecting my grieving process. I told her she was sending me mixed signals, she got defensive, and then kept picking fights over the next few days to the point I had to leave.

During the last fight, I told her, "I still feel like I haven't been given the real reason why we broke up." She said, "I talked to you for four hours and I'm not gonna do that again." I told her, "I'm tired of you using me and my emotions as a scapegoat, and that I'd never apologize for telling her how I was feeling." She continued to say it was all my fault. I didn't feel safe, so I left to go to a hotel. That was the last time I saw her in person.

The next month and a half has been awful for various reasons. She texted me an apology after the fight for causing me so much distresses, and said it was because of a talk with her mom pressuring her about moving home. She texted me daily about the house and logistics of moving out, saying things like "I want you to have the sparkling water." She asked to meet up before we left and say goodbye and I told her I didn't want to (I just didn't want to get in a fight again and the break-up was too fresh.) The day I left she texted me "I'll miss you" and "I'm wishing you the best." I sent her a long text basically saying I'm doing fine and you don't have to worry about me and I'm in a good place, but I need to keep the boundaries. She tried texting me about normal things. I just kept responding with "boundaries."

And then a week after I get a call from her that she was going to have to put our cat down. The cat got stressed after we broke up, and I'm convinced she stopped eating because of it. It launched off two days of her leaning on me for emotional support about the cat. She was literally texting me and calling me saying "I did this to her," "This is my fault," "I'm a bad mom," "She was the only thing I had to look forward to in moving home," "Why do bad things keep happening to me," "I don't know if I can move on," etc. She kept telling me she was wrong to feel sad about the cat and she hates emotions, and her parents were telling her to think practically. I literally had to tell her it's okay to grieve and be sad about your cat. It all really freaked me out cause she was a zombie, but then she disappeared. It also hurt cause she showed zero emotion about the relationship, but all the emotion about the cat. (Not saying the latter is wrong, at all.)

I didn't hear from her for three weeks and it honestly just made me feel used one last time. I was experiencing my own additional issues (my dad had a medical emergency.) So I reached out to her, asked how she was doing and she launched into more about the cat. I literally asked her "Hey, how are you doing?" and she responded "I wanted to send this picture to you but I wasn't sure." It was just more of her saying she was struggling about the cat and me supporting her, but then she threw in a "I'm doing great day-to-day." She eventually asked how I was, so I told her what happened with my dad and she said "Sorry but glad he's okay." Really short and not even close to the support I've given her over the cat. It ended with me just saying I was concerned about her and wanted to reach out cause I was thinking about her. She said she was thinking about me too, but that we both needed to heal. I said I agree. That was that.

Just the conversations since we broke up have been like talking to a zombie and like nothing happened. I have a great support system of friends and my dad, but the former have just been telling me she's evil and crazy and move on and block her (It's well-meaning advice but doesn't really help me with my personality.) I googled around and found attachment theory and it's creepy how word-for-word some of what she said and did lined up with Fearful Avoidant. It's also creepy how much I've lined up as an Anxious Avoidant in dealing with this situation. I've always been the secure one -- and at least when we broke up the firs time a dismissive avoidant -- in relationships.

Most importantly for me is I'm already in hell-of-a-lot better place mentally. I took a leave from work and my depression disappeared instantly. I'm about to make a change in my work situation. I feel like I did before the pandemic, which is where I want to be. I've also moved past the "wanting closure" part of the break-up, and have accepted that might not ever come. I've also started talking to other girls to show myself there are other fish in the sea.

But it's still not even been three months, and my missing of her is only growing larger. What I've been working on with my therapist and friends is deciding what I want to do. I'm the type of person that needs to feel like I tried everything I could before I move on. In texting her last and seeing she still didn't want to talk about the relationship, I felt good because it showed were at different places in the healing process.

But will she ever want to talk about it? Am I expected to reach out? Do I need to make my feelings known, or will that push her away even more? Do I cut if off entirely? Is she going to continue leaning on me for emotional support and what do I do in that situation?

Any advice would be helpful.