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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2021 21:56:11 GMT
Hello all,
Since making a couple of posts on this forum, it has been a whirlwind of crazy making behaviour with my ex.
One thing that has been an ongoing issue throughout the end of the relationship / reconnecting is that they will talk on the phone, text and video call but after many successful connections like this (i'm talking a month or two) when I ask for the next step a meet up (something casual) they always refuse stating the same thing each time "I don't think that is a good idea". When I politely ask why? I always get the same response "its not a good idea, I need to go now lots to do" Then they distance from texts, calls etc...for a month or two then we start talking again but when suggesting a meet it cycles back to the same issue (it is very frustrating). They bumped into me in town on one occasion but it was purely accidental and they acted like a zombie (for lack of a better word) almost like a state of shock it was very hurtful and confusing and bizarre???
Anyone had any success with this type of behaviour? (meeting up or the zombie like behaviour)
And can anyone explain either of this please?
Thank you.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 18, 2021 3:50:51 GMT
@hsp, your ex is FA and acting in typical FA fashion. Come-here-too-close-go-away-too-far-come-back. There's nothing confusing about it except your anxious side is trying to read into hope from the inconsistency, which is what APs do because it's a coping mechanism from childhood (must stay attached to this person not meeting my needs, so what's the magic formula to fix it so I can stay and get my needs met?).
What's going on is your ex is attached to you but doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you, but is not communicating well or in a way that you'll hear them. Part of the reason for that is unaware FAs have bad boundaries and don't want to close doors since they don't know what they want or even necessarily who they are, so what if they change their mind later??? (They won't, because the lack of commitment was never really about you, it is about their avoidance issues.) But they also don't want to feel like the bad guys leading someone caring on. Even though they like your attention and validation of them. So you're being kept at a distance -- if we talk but don't hang out, then hsp is technically leading herself on and it's not my fault. And you're triggering to your ex just as your ex triggers you, so when they saw you, they entered a freeze state.
FAs fear both abandonment and engulfment due to their core wounding. Hence come-here-go-away. You can't change this. You can only hold your own boundaries strongly and be authentic in communicating and respecting your own needs. It sounds like you're trying to date potential and staying for cycle after cycle after cycle of toxic and exhausting anxious-avoidant dancing. This will go on as long as you let it. If you want relief, stop abandoning yourself. Break the cycle by leaving for good, mourn the relationship, and when you're ready, explore why you'd put up with such disrespectful behavior for such a long time instead of being in a healthy relationship with someone who treats you better, as you deserve.
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Post by simply on Apr 11, 2021 10:13:09 GMT
@hsp , your ex is FA and acting in typical FA fashion. Come-here-too-close-go-away-too-far-come-back. There's nothing confusing about it except your anxious side is trying to read into hope from the inconsistency, which is what APs do because it's a coping mechanism from childhood (must stay attached to this person not meeting my needs, so what's the magic formula to fix it so I can stay and get my needs met?). What's going on is your ex is attached to you but doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you, but is not communicating well or in a way that you'll hear them. Part of the reason for that is unaware FAs have bad boundaries and don't want to close doors since they don't know what they want or even necessarily who they are, so what if they change their mind later??? (They won't, because the lack of commitment was never really about you, it is about their avoidance issues.) But they also don't want to feel like the bad guys leading someone caring on. Even though they like your attention and validation of them. So you're being kept at a distance -- if we talk but don't hang out, then hsp is technically leading herself on and it's not my fault. And you're triggering to your ex just as your ex triggers you, so when they saw you, they entered a freeze state. FAs fear both abandonment and engulfment due to their core wounding. Hence come-here-go-away. You can't change this. You can only hold your own boundaries strongly and be authentic in communicating and respecting your own needs. It sounds like you're trying to date potential and staying for cycle after cycle after cycle of toxic and exhausting anxious-avoidant dancing. This will go on as long as you let it. If you want relief, stop abandoning yourself. Break the cycle by leaving for good, mourn the relationship, and when you're ready, explore why you'd put up with such disrespectful behavior for such a long time instead of being in a healthy relationship with someone who treats you better, as you deserve. WOW this is such a great analysis!! |
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Post by simply on Apr 11, 2021 10:18:45 GMT
I'm sorry to hear that, do you like this person very much? I've been on both sides - I did that with an acquaintance - he kept asking me to go for coffee but I felt very ambivalent about him due to my loneliness, I don't like him romantically but just as a friend. However, even as a friend, I didn't feel like I enjoyed our face to face meetings much but I was okay to text him and voice call once in a while. But when he wanted to meet, I would have the biggest conflict. In the end, I decided to say no for the 3rd time and I think he felt something and backed off completely, didn't text me anymore which was fine by me.
This person seems ambivalent about getting together for whatever reason, maybe you could ask him why?
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Post by mrob on Apr 11, 2021 15:32:54 GMT
As alexandra said, textbook FA behaviour. Once things start to become real, it’s too much. |
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Post by maryisback on Apr 12, 2021 3:08:21 GMT
I am in a similar situation with my ex, but I'm the DA. I try to keep the contact to a minimum, because I don't know what he wants. Does he want to just hang out, or get back together or just lonely? I feel that if I keep my distance, it will help him to move on. But at the same time, we share a history and I care about him, so I do enjoy hearing how his life is going etc. I do go back and forth in my head about what is best to do in this situation. If I were more selfless, I would not have any contact with him but I am not there yet, even though it has been 3 years.
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