Do DA/FA avoidant exes come back?

lostpossum, FA can come back, it's a crapshoot. DA tend not to. There's several reasons for these responses related to upbringing and nervous system conditioning, which contribute to the forming of the attachment style.

The problem is that if an ex shows back up in a situation like this, it ultimately stems from behavior that is so patterned that coming back doesn't mean anything will have changed or improved. There's lots of stories of FAs coming and going repeatedly or "downgrading" partners to not quite friends but no real commitment all over this forum, and that's where things stay until the other partner is too sick of a situationship to stick with it.

It's also common for people with insecure attachment styles to misattribute issues, either by over- or under-coupling. Which can sometimes explain a partner feeling blindsided. There's a good thread about it here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response

Feeling sorry for her is normal enough. You care for her, and if someone is stuck in a lifestyle and space you know they don't want to be in, it is sad. But it's also her choice that you can't do anything about, especially if she's not the one taking initiative to ask you for help. So you can feel sorry for her while taking care of yourself: letting her go with love and also sticking with no contact without trying to help or hoping for potential future changes. You should never date potential (that's what keeps anxious-leaning insecure folks stuck, and it's related to being conditioned to stay attached to inconsistent caregivers in childhood), and she's shown you zero evidence that she will change or stop blaming others. Even as simple as the friends thing... if a person really wants to make friends, they can, but they need to put in some effort and show consistency. If she wasn't making any friends (and I'm assuming she is either neurotypical or, if not, aware that she's not?), she either really didn't want it, or refused to make continuous effort within a friendship.

Avoidance is partially a result of distrust of others, learned earlier in life, later projected onto everyone else whether they deserve it or not -- and in fact all insecure attachment types may at times be subconsciously drawn to those they can't trust or fully connect with because it feels familiar (to childhood relationships) and also "validates" their self narrative that either others can't be trusted (dismissive avoidant narrative) or others will always leave them (anxious narrative) or both (fearful avoidant narrative). And allows the person who wants to reinforce their negative narrative to sit in a place of emotional unavailability and lack of true vulnerability by looking externally and outward instead of making things right inwardly. When they meet available people who are trustworthy, it can feel unfamiliar, not right for some reason, or even boring! Trying to have a committed and long-term romantic relationship with someone in this state no matter which insecure attachment style -- which I shorthand call "unaware" insecure attachers -- will inevitably hit a wall because their nervous systems will eventually get overloaded by perceived threats (real or projected) and they will go into self-preservation mode... which is often also sabotage mode in adult relationships. For an avoidant, this may be a triggered nervous system shutting down and creating a disconnection and dissociation from self, which feels like a numbness and loss of feelings.

I'm sorry you're hurting. It seems like you're trying to find some hope for the future, whether just for her or for you two together. The hope is within yourself. After you mourn the relationship, you have the opportunity to dig into why you were okay being with a partner who wasn't fully present and who has clear difficulty showing up for all her relationships in life (you were never going to stay an exception, and that had very little if anything to do with you). It's painful to be on the receiving side of this, when you're willing to do work that a partner is not. But she's also done you a favor... even though it doesn't feel like it right now... in being upfront and honest that she's unwilling to do it. That gives you the chance to focus on yourself and move forward. As you said, you want to do the work anyway even if she's not involved, and that can only help you in general. This community is very supportive of turning the focus from the (ex)-partner to one's self.