Post by valentin3 on Oct 18, 2017 16:06:41 GMT
I am a fearful-avoidant and have been dating my boyfriend a dismissive-avoidant for almost 2 years. Prior to all these, I have no idea what an attachment style is, I came to find out after the recent bad cases of arguments and he has stone wall me since the last call. Just really hope to get some support in here.
Like all other relationships it started really well, we had common interest, we hit off well and in a way we were surprise at how alike we can be. We were colleagues in the same project, he was very thoughtful and always make sure I do not skip my breakfast. One time he really touched me when I was working overnight and he brought me breakfast early from his home. Being a fearful-avoidant, I was really touched but yet afraid of the intentions so I did show signs of pushing him away when he texted me almost every day. Moreover he is also younger than I am, I am at a marriageable age and my past relationship ended on a really bad note with cheating and violence, that got me really wary of guys around me.
We started of casually going to gym and hanging out which ended up in an almost daily affair. Even at some point when we talk a lot about things he was somewhat secretive about questions I ask. I do tend to ask a lot of personal questions if I want to figure out someone. While I discover more, I found things that I could not understand and thought he had some morality issue, like both his previous partners were short term and both somewhat were still with their boyfriend. I asked him why would he want to get into such a relationship and he said that they weren’t happy and were going to break up with their boyfriends (or so he thought for one of them). I give him the benefit of doubt and decide not to be judgemental.
Took him 4 months before he admitted that he have feelings for me after a drink one day. We continued going out but he never really ask me to be his girlfriend, he just acted like I already was. After a few months, I got quite irritated and became fearful as well of what I am to him, I felt that he might not be stable enough for what I am looking for and voiced it to him. The respond he gave was pretty negative and was totally not assuring, he said perhaps he really isn’t stable enough for me and that he would not blame if I choose to leave which I did not. At that point I was beaming with happiness and having not dated for 3 years, I really thought he is a much better guy than any of my exes.
It took us almost 9 months of dating and 2-3 times of complaining before he finally bought flowers and ring to ask me to be his girlfriend. I was definitely elated after waiting for so long. Throughout the 2 years knowing I had trust issues he was pretty assuring, spent lots of time trying to calm me down. He knew this before we got together and was convinced he could handle it. It was my fault that I never put in as much effort to manage my anxiety but I found it really hard as he is often ‘subconsciously flirtatious’. While we were dating, we got almost entangled with another girl who saw that he was being extra caring to him, they were texting after work and he bought food that she likes if he happen to pass by. Things got pretty bad because we were dating but the girl got interested in him. It was just 1 case out of a few… and I did told him that it was not right but in general, he has no idea that is flirting or that it would piss me off so much.
As he is going overseas to study about after a year of dating we talked a lot about our plans and what we want together. At the same time I decided I also wanted to finish a course soon so that when he is back we are both ready to settle. I thought it was really fortunate when I found a course 30min away from his city so that we could at least still meet a few times a month. We talked about meeting each other parents and he said that officially he would have to meet mine first, I was hesitant because I really was still scare and did not find things stable enough but I guess it has to be done both ways anyhow. I introduced him to my parents, they were happy, no questions asked.
Then the biggest problem came when months later and I have not met his family. We argued many times and only upon arguing would I get updates on what he is trying to do, he convince me that it’s ongoing, slow but moving. That he got things covered. 2 weeks before he flew, things turn really sour because the situation was out of his control. He needed everyone in the family to approve our relationship before he could bring me back and he said his sibling was not convinced that this would work so there wasn’t a point to make it happen. I was definitely not please, to me it was security I needed and also I believed it was something that our families should know since we would not be in our country for a few years.
He went into ‘hiding’ for almost a week which was extremely painful for me because it made me went hay wire with my anxiety. We did try to talk and work out some solutions and I thought it was ridiculous that he has to please every single person in the family to make things perfect. After a week, he said that he wants a cool off and having spoken to someone outside the family he suddenly realizes he has a problem with how he handle things (it is strange how I’ve mentioned it many times but he never really hear me out). He said that because of how things were at home it has mould him into this person who has no opinion on his own, all he wanted to do was to follow the most logical solution of all opinion given by others. He needed to reorganize his life and he felt that during this time he would neglect my feelings so he did not want to have to do both things at a time – sorting out his life and having to date a fearful-avoidant girlfriend. He also said I was different from his ex and he does find it hard to lose me because I have given him so much love that he never had at home and that he would definitely come back to me after the cool off.
I was happy but yet sad at the same time, happy that he realize the problem, I told him I would walk through it with him as long as he allows me and that we can sort out our problems together. To me realization was a big step forward. We sorta kiss and make up, talk things out and promised that we will prioritize our studies during this period of time.
Now we have both started school, the problems and arguments never really go away. On one hand, during that ‘hidey’ week he dug out a lot of emotions on how I almost always wanted to leave him and he had to pull me back and how much reassurance he has given but it was never enough. I was truly sorry and said I would work hard take care of this but as soon as we both were in different cities the anxiety strikes me faster than I expected. He has become very ‘robotic’ as he had to manage school and settle down, while for me I settled in quickly and was pinning for his reassurance which he never gave. We argued and made up for a few times but it also hurt me that he was no longer as sweet as before.
After some weeks, I told myself that I have to manage myself or this would go nowhere. I read about what I can do and wrote down what I wanted myself to do for that one month. To be calm, to be giving and not demand for assurance. For the first week, things went well. When I am calm, he was also more responsive, replying my texts and having skype calls. I thought if I could manage myself well, we could probably get better.
Then weekend came, I went down to his place, cook for him, clean his place and tried to be a good girlfriend so that he didn’t have so much to handle during weekdays. I wasn’t feeling safe enough and snooped a little, I accidentally came across this message he sent to himself with various links of video that he wants to watch and then in that message there was one that links to his ex-gf picture saved in 2016. I questioned him and he quickly dismiss that it was so long ago but I said that in 2016 we have already been dating. He 'swore’ that he does not miss his exes at all and that I was just making up stories in my head, however he just could not explain why the picture is there as well. Things escalated and got really bad, my trust suddenly crumbled to nothing and he could explain nothing nor apologize (because that would mean he did miss her). A lot of things got mentioned, about how he is so ‘private’ about our relationship which really hurt my feelings since we have gone out for so long. How he always make it a point to stay in contact with his other ex also made me feel disturbed. The last we communicated, I said I thought he realize things and want to change (was not directly with the topic of the exes), he was defensive and also started to accuse me of things I’ve did in the past that hurt him or of similar context. At the end he just kept quiet and stonewall me and we have not contacted for the past 2-3 days.
During that period while we were fighting, I found out about attachment type and ask if he could do the quiz. He turns out to be dismissive attachment type just like what I thought he would be from the description I’ve read. I now know we make a terrible pairing and I am really not sure what should we do from now. I am turning very distracted hoping to hear from him but at the same time, I am not sure if we would ever make it together and he’s a far cry from how he is initially. I’ve asked him why and he said it takes him a lot of focus in school which wears him out a lot and now that he is living outside, there is a lot more to manage like bills, cleanliness and meals to prepare. I am not sure what I should do, I still love and miss him but I feel really dishearten.
Is there really no hope for a FA and DA to be together? Or is it just too hard to make it work.
Like all other relationships it started really well, we had common interest, we hit off well and in a way we were surprise at how alike we can be. We were colleagues in the same project, he was very thoughtful and always make sure I do not skip my breakfast. One time he really touched me when I was working overnight and he brought me breakfast early from his home. Being a fearful-avoidant, I was really touched but yet afraid of the intentions so I did show signs of pushing him away when he texted me almost every day. Moreover he is also younger than I am, I am at a marriageable age and my past relationship ended on a really bad note with cheating and violence, that got me really wary of guys around me.
We started of casually going to gym and hanging out which ended up in an almost daily affair. Even at some point when we talk a lot about things he was somewhat secretive about questions I ask. I do tend to ask a lot of personal questions if I want to figure out someone. While I discover more, I found things that I could not understand and thought he had some morality issue, like both his previous partners were short term and both somewhat were still with their boyfriend. I asked him why would he want to get into such a relationship and he said that they weren’t happy and were going to break up with their boyfriends (or so he thought for one of them). I give him the benefit of doubt and decide not to be judgemental.
Took him 4 months before he admitted that he have feelings for me after a drink one day. We continued going out but he never really ask me to be his girlfriend, he just acted like I already was. After a few months, I got quite irritated and became fearful as well of what I am to him, I felt that he might not be stable enough for what I am looking for and voiced it to him. The respond he gave was pretty negative and was totally not assuring, he said perhaps he really isn’t stable enough for me and that he would not blame if I choose to leave which I did not. At that point I was beaming with happiness and having not dated for 3 years, I really thought he is a much better guy than any of my exes.
It took us almost 9 months of dating and 2-3 times of complaining before he finally bought flowers and ring to ask me to be his girlfriend. I was definitely elated after waiting for so long. Throughout the 2 years knowing I had trust issues he was pretty assuring, spent lots of time trying to calm me down. He knew this before we got together and was convinced he could handle it. It was my fault that I never put in as much effort to manage my anxiety but I found it really hard as he is often ‘subconsciously flirtatious’. While we were dating, we got almost entangled with another girl who saw that he was being extra caring to him, they were texting after work and he bought food that she likes if he happen to pass by. Things got pretty bad because we were dating but the girl got interested in him. It was just 1 case out of a few… and I did told him that it was not right but in general, he has no idea that is flirting or that it would piss me off so much.
As he is going overseas to study about after a year of dating we talked a lot about our plans and what we want together. At the same time I decided I also wanted to finish a course soon so that when he is back we are both ready to settle. I thought it was really fortunate when I found a course 30min away from his city so that we could at least still meet a few times a month. We talked about meeting each other parents and he said that officially he would have to meet mine first, I was hesitant because I really was still scare and did not find things stable enough but I guess it has to be done both ways anyhow. I introduced him to my parents, they were happy, no questions asked.
Then the biggest problem came when months later and I have not met his family. We argued many times and only upon arguing would I get updates on what he is trying to do, he convince me that it’s ongoing, slow but moving. That he got things covered. 2 weeks before he flew, things turn really sour because the situation was out of his control. He needed everyone in the family to approve our relationship before he could bring me back and he said his sibling was not convinced that this would work so there wasn’t a point to make it happen. I was definitely not please, to me it was security I needed and also I believed it was something that our families should know since we would not be in our country for a few years.
He went into ‘hiding’ for almost a week which was extremely painful for me because it made me went hay wire with my anxiety. We did try to talk and work out some solutions and I thought it was ridiculous that he has to please every single person in the family to make things perfect. After a week, he said that he wants a cool off and having spoken to someone outside the family he suddenly realizes he has a problem with how he handle things (it is strange how I’ve mentioned it many times but he never really hear me out). He said that because of how things were at home it has mould him into this person who has no opinion on his own, all he wanted to do was to follow the most logical solution of all opinion given by others. He needed to reorganize his life and he felt that during this time he would neglect my feelings so he did not want to have to do both things at a time – sorting out his life and having to date a fearful-avoidant girlfriend. He also said I was different from his ex and he does find it hard to lose me because I have given him so much love that he never had at home and that he would definitely come back to me after the cool off.
I was happy but yet sad at the same time, happy that he realize the problem, I told him I would walk through it with him as long as he allows me and that we can sort out our problems together. To me realization was a big step forward. We sorta kiss and make up, talk things out and promised that we will prioritize our studies during this period of time.
Now we have both started school, the problems and arguments never really go away. On one hand, during that ‘hidey’ week he dug out a lot of emotions on how I almost always wanted to leave him and he had to pull me back and how much reassurance he has given but it was never enough. I was truly sorry and said I would work hard take care of this but as soon as we both were in different cities the anxiety strikes me faster than I expected. He has become very ‘robotic’ as he had to manage school and settle down, while for me I settled in quickly and was pinning for his reassurance which he never gave. We argued and made up for a few times but it also hurt me that he was no longer as sweet as before.
After some weeks, I told myself that I have to manage myself or this would go nowhere. I read about what I can do and wrote down what I wanted myself to do for that one month. To be calm, to be giving and not demand for assurance. For the first week, things went well. When I am calm, he was also more responsive, replying my texts and having skype calls. I thought if I could manage myself well, we could probably get better.
Then weekend came, I went down to his place, cook for him, clean his place and tried to be a good girlfriend so that he didn’t have so much to handle during weekdays. I wasn’t feeling safe enough and snooped a little, I accidentally came across this message he sent to himself with various links of video that he wants to watch and then in that message there was one that links to his ex-gf picture saved in 2016. I questioned him and he quickly dismiss that it was so long ago but I said that in 2016 we have already been dating. He 'swore’ that he does not miss his exes at all and that I was just making up stories in my head, however he just could not explain why the picture is there as well. Things escalated and got really bad, my trust suddenly crumbled to nothing and he could explain nothing nor apologize (because that would mean he did miss her). A lot of things got mentioned, about how he is so ‘private’ about our relationship which really hurt my feelings since we have gone out for so long. How he always make it a point to stay in contact with his other ex also made me feel disturbed. The last we communicated, I said I thought he realize things and want to change (was not directly with the topic of the exes), he was defensive and also started to accuse me of things I’ve did in the past that hurt him or of similar context. At the end he just kept quiet and stonewall me and we have not contacted for the past 2-3 days.
During that period while we were fighting, I found out about attachment type and ask if he could do the quiz. He turns out to be dismissive attachment type just like what I thought he would be from the description I’ve read. I now know we make a terrible pairing and I am really not sure what should we do from now. I am turning very distracted hoping to hear from him but at the same time, I am not sure if we would ever make it together and he’s a far cry from how he is initially. I’ve asked him why and he said it takes him a lot of focus in school which wears him out a lot and now that he is living outside, there is a lot more to manage like bills, cleanliness and meals to prepare. I am not sure what I should do, I still love and miss him but I feel really dishearten.
Is there really no hope for a FA and DA to be together? Or is it just too hard to make it work.