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Post by tnr9 on Apr 5, 2021 18:01:01 GMT
This weekend I was able to have a really good talk with mom and we were both able to hear each other...possibly for the first time in decades. The back story is that I made a joke with my brother that my mom thought was rude and presumptuous....but she waited until I was leaving last week to tell me. All the drive home I was out of sorts because I felt she should have asked me my motive before jumping to a conclusion. I had a really good chat with my brother about it the next day and then was able to talk to her about it and now things are good. I feel I am gaining so many tools in my new therapy and with the medication, I am able to take things less personally.
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Post by maryisback on Apr 12, 2021 2:21:46 GMT
I am so happy to see things are going well for you tnr9. Relationships with a parent or parents can be some of the most challenging. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 12, 2021 13:40:14 GMT
I am so happy to see things are going well for you tnr9 . Relationships with a parent or parents can be some of the most challenging. Thanks maryisback ....it is still a work in progress...lol. Yesterday I went to my mom’s because she is helping me to alter a bridesmaid dress for an upcoming wedding. While I was there...she said some hurtful things. I did discuss one of them with her...but this is going to be an ongoing challenge between us. I used to wrongly believe that once I understood another person I could influence them...but now I understand that knowledge equals power over my own reaction/behavior....it doesn’t necessarily change anything about the other person. I am in much better shape, but she still pushes those buttons I have had since I was a kid....ie...I did not sleep well at all last night. But today is a new day and I am focused on centering myself and moving forward....which is a huge shift from my old way of handing things with her. How are things with you? |
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Post by maryisback on Apr 12, 2021 18:51:02 GMT
It's so interesting how my thought process is so different. Your "reaction" is to try to influence, where mine is to just run away. My mom has pushed my buttons so much that we really have no relationship anymore. She pushes and I run. I admire you for keeping on and trying to work on things. I can't bring myself to do it, which is obviously a running theme in most of my relationships. Things are pretty much the same. Contact with my ex is on and off. In the beginning of the pandemic, we started to hang out some, but then I sort of "caught myself" and winded it down. I am pretty sure it's better for him if I don't. Other than that, life is slowly getting back to normal. Actually able to go out with small group of friends, eat in restaurants and the stuff we took for granted before. Everyone is complaining how dating is so tough now, but I have no urge to to date. I will likely remain single for quite some time. I have a bunch of other things that keep me busy. Being busy is the way to avoid my feelings  Are you keeping busy in these times? |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 13, 2021 15:47:11 GMT
It's so interesting how my thought process is so different. Your "reaction" is to try to influence, where mine is to just run away. My mom has pushed my buttons so much that we really have no relationship anymore. She pushes and I run. I admire you for keeping on and trying to work on things. I can't bring myself to do it, which is obviously a running theme in most of my relationships. Things are pretty much the same. Contact with my ex is on and off. In the beginning of the pandemic, we started to hang out some, but then I sort of "caught myself" and winded it down. I am pretty sure it's better for him if I don't. Other than that, life is slowly getting back to normal. Actually able to go out with small group of friends, eat in restaurants and the stuff we took for granted before. Everyone is complaining how dating is so tough now, but I have no urge to to date. I will likely remain single for quite some time. I have a bunch of other things that keep me busy. Being busy is the way to avoid my feelings Are you keeping busy in these times? Yeh....that is because I lean AP so there is always a “hope” that things will change. Honestly, what I said above about trying to influence my mom is the exact same tactics I tried with B...meaning, I thought if I understood why he behaved the way he did, I could have some influence to change that. I had a really rough couple of nights....because I think I am still processing things. There were 2 things that happened...1. My bridesmaid dress has a low back so I need a new bra. My mom made a comment about doing the adult thing and not asking to borrow one from my buy nothing group. That is the one I responded back...I said...I have been doing the adult thing for decades...I don’t think you meant “doing the adult thing” I think you meant...”don’t cheap out on this”....she agreed that she used the wrong words. The second one was regarding my hair....I have this frizzy/curly hair and for as long as I can remember...my mom has been trying to make it all shiny and curly through products that she finds. The day before I had gone thrifting with a friend who commented how nice my hair looked...so I really didn’t give it much consideration when I went to my mom’s the next day. But it obviously bothered her because 2. she commented that it needed a full wash with the shampoo/leave in treatment she bought me. I know my mom loves me....and I realize now that her comments really are not about me...they are something that is going on within her...some internal dialogue that I am not privy to. I am honestly a bit sad for my mom...not in a pity way...but in a “wow, this must be such a hard place to be” way. Because she cannot be joyful if her focus is on what others are doing wrong. She takes things so personally that it is hard to have fun around her...but she is incredible at sewing, cooking, coming up with solutions....she is dutiful and stoic. She and I are water and oil....which is what it is. As far as COVID goes....not much going on here either...I have a couple of friends that I have been getting together with...I am also getting physical therapy for my left shoulder and I am still in weekly therapy which is going really well. My dad died in March a most a week after we (my brothers and I) visited him. I have 3 bags of his clothes that I said I will sell. As far as men go....there is no one...which is good. I still miss B but I am so glad I defriended him because I needed to focus on me and not cycle on what he is doing. I do wish him well but I am looking forward to choosing “better for me” partners. |
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Post by maryisback on Apr 13, 2021 23:22:45 GMT
Your mom sounds a little like mine. Mine looks at the negative much more than the positive in life. A lot of it comes across as criticism, nagging or bitter. My mom though was abusive, so my tolerance is pretty nonexistent with her. Hopefully you don't take it too much to heart with your mom. I don't think they really know what they are doing, or maybe I make that excuse. My mom seems so confused that both of her kids talk to her sparingly. I'm glad you realize it's not about you. If only we could all have mothers that would lift us up, make us feel loved and appreciated. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. How are you feeling about that? Yay for better partners. I hope you find Mr Right also. You deserve someone that will cherish and support you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 15, 2021 14:11:30 GMT
Your mom sounds a little like mine. Mine looks at the negative much more than the positive in life. A lot of it comes across as criticism, nagging or bitter. My mom though was abusive, so my tolerance is pretty nonexistent with her. Hopefully you don't take it too much to heart with your mom. I don't think they really know what they are doing, or maybe I make that excuse. My mom seems so confused that both of her kids talk to her sparingly. I'm glad you realize it's not about you. If only we could all have mothers that would lift us up, make us feel loved and appreciated. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. How are you feeling about that? Yay for better partners. I hope you find Mr Right also. You deserve someone that will cherish and support you. Thanks Mary.....I am just grateful we saw him and got to say good bye. None of us have any really good memories with our dad and that is a real shame. I was a bit sad that I never asked dad to write down his story...it would have been nice to read in his own words what he thought about his life etc. |
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