Me (recovering FA) with another FA

I think it is important to state it as all insecurely attached individuals.  I don’t think of it as innocent/guilty….nor do I see my comments as distracting but more clarifying for those who are lurking on this site.  Leaving out anxiously attached individuals leads people to believe that only those with avoidant attachment are capable of hurting someone when anyone who is insecure is capable of hurt….though I think most of the time, it isn’t with a malicious intent.

Sorry no, it's distracting because you're not genuinely trying to move the discussion by merely adding on to it, but you're rather dismissing what is being said (then later on saying we are actually in agreement) to make a point that does not invalidate much of anything here.

krolle Being emotionally available is probably best described through defining having a secure attachment style. That's generally: comfortable being both independent or interdependent, having a healthy sense of self versus sense of others which comes with accompanying appropriate boundaries (which involves developed object permanence), strong connection to self and self's needs and ability to know how to meet those needs, default state of trusting self and trusting others (at least until others have proven they shouldn't be trusted, then not trusting them and distancing but not taking any of it personally), being able to process emotions and stress in a healthy way, and low attachment anxiety (ie fear of abandonment) plus low attachment avoidance (ie fear of engulfment).

Someone secure may swing in and out of emotional availability in more extreme externally brought on circumstances, such as a major loss (breakup or death) or perhaps stress overwhelm (illness or illness caretaking come to mind). But since the baseline state is availability, once the emotions associated with the external issues are processed over time, the natural availability will rebound. Usually because there's a strong connection to self, a mature secure person will know when they're unavailable and will communicate it and not get involved in connections or arrangements they can't properly show up for.

For a long time I couldn’t wrap my head around my own emotional unavailability as I was convinced I was rather available. Unfortunately In my case only my “available persona” was available and not really me, as I was operating Insecurely. I did not believe I deserved and wouldn’t ever be deserving of emotional availability and connection.
Healing for me actually spun me the complete opposite direction of what I used to consider emotional availability.

If I had to define the feeling I had when I was in that state (emotionally unavailable), I was disassociated, people pleasing and extremely insecure. I was not “in touch” with my feelings for the lack of a better word. It was hard for me to voice disappointment in anybody else, but myself. I internalized anything happening around me and assigned negative meaning to others actions and I was extremely self centered while pretending (and often acting in line) to be the exact opposite. I was in a state of constant self avoidance and distraction.

I personally think AP, DA, FA (or disorganized attachment in other literature) are all the same “self avoidance” with different coping strategies, they are all insecure attachers and are all emotionally unavailable. An AP resembles an emotionally available person on surface and that’s about it, their coping strategies are equally damaging to their partners. All these are codependent insecure behaviors and the only way to heal them is to work on our self esteem.

Even after working on self esteem we are prone to fall back into the old patterns, and under difficult circumstances may never reach security and may be triggered into insecurity by relationships (the source of our initial insecure attachment).

I guess we will agree to disagree.

I think abuse can be very squishy at times…especially when the other person isn’t necessarily aware….I also think it can become too much of a defense against taking personal responsibility for one’s own actions.