Post by kittygirl on May 15, 2021 15:35:38 GMT
TL;DR: No matter how painful your breakup is, it WILL get better! Focus solely on yourself until you can get your side of the aisle entirely swept up before you go into a new relationship...you CAN earn secure!
WOOOW...it's been months since I have posted and so much has happened in my life. I wanted to update people in case there is a future me who happens on my story and starts their journey like i did
Cliffsnotes version of my story: I met a (very) FA man, and discovered this forum in order to get help. Throughout my journey, I discovered that I too was FA. My ex and I broke up (he dumped me) and we got back together after he heavily pursued me after (advice number one-IF you reconcile with an avoidant make sure YOU know exactly what you will need moving forward to make it different this time around and you literally express those to the other person as non negotiables-I didn't do this and it was a mistake) we were working on our relationship which was long distance and he brought up that he thought I should move to his city. I was really unsure at that time because I was working on my attachment stuff at this point and I didn't really trust him but also had a lot of my FA wounds at this time which made me not want to commit. Long story short...we had plans for me to come for thanksgiving to look for places to live (I didn't want to move in with him)....he dumped me, seemingly on a whim. I went IMMEDIATE no contact (was torture some days) and found out through social media that he moved another girl in with him 2 months after our breakup (from out of state...who he had never met IRL)!
Needless to say, this was excruciatingly painful for me as I was (for the first time in my life) investing in a relationship without having one foot out the door-I was in therapy and PDS so was working on communication, my core wound reprogramming etc. I know many people in this forum have experienced similar stories....and if you have childhood/attachment related wounding it can be virtually impossible not to make this mean something about you. It was so deeply traumatic for me that I had to (daily) work through the stories I was making it mean about me. In addition, I had to work on reprogramming my wounds (I am still in the process of doing this as I have a lot
) but that has CHANGED MY LIFE and how I have been able to approach this breakup as a gift. I now no longer make his shitty behavior mean anything about me, my worth, whether or not I matter, how foolish I was etc. Advice number 2: use a painful breakup as the springboard to dive into any and all painful history you have. THIS IS YOUR TIME. Don't let it go. Grab onto it and change your life.
We broke up almost 6 months ago and I am doing great (1.5 year relationship all told). I am pretty damn close to secure now. My triggering is a fraction of what it was before (and I don't even mean the breakup I mean in life in general). I am not in any way needing another person for validation or to define my worth and I am so happy on my own. My own healing journey has had ripple effects as my own mom (the source of a lot of my attachment issues) and some friends have started to look into their own patterns. It's been crazy to see how much it affects everyone around you when you start to truly heal. Its contagious!
I am now fully into PDS (personal development school) and don't really visit attachment related forums any longer. But I want you to know that this community (quite literally) was ESSENTIAL in jump starting my healing journey. I believe with every fiber of my being I would not ever be where I am without you guys. For anyone visiting here in the throes of pain and wondering how to proceed... LISTEN TO THE PEEPS HERE! They know what they are talking about. I promise. Thank you so so much for all the support. I am (legitimately) getting emotional typing this out! AHHH! Joined in 2019 and I would have never in a million years predicted where my life would be 2 years later.
Anyway I won't be here much (if at all) anymore. I just had to tell you guys that it DOES get better, you CAN do it, and thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Oh and for anyone wondering, I have blocked my exes ass on all possible lines of communication and that will never change
PEACE! <3
WOOOW...it's been months since I have posted and so much has happened in my life. I wanted to update people in case there is a future me who happens on my story and starts their journey like i did
Cliffsnotes version of my story: I met a (very) FA man, and discovered this forum in order to get help. Throughout my journey, I discovered that I too was FA. My ex and I broke up (he dumped me) and we got back together after he heavily pursued me after (advice number one-IF you reconcile with an avoidant make sure YOU know exactly what you will need moving forward to make it different this time around and you literally express those to the other person as non negotiables-I didn't do this and it was a mistake) we were working on our relationship which was long distance and he brought up that he thought I should move to his city. I was really unsure at that time because I was working on my attachment stuff at this point and I didn't really trust him but also had a lot of my FA wounds at this time which made me not want to commit. Long story short...we had plans for me to come for thanksgiving to look for places to live (I didn't want to move in with him)....he dumped me, seemingly on a whim. I went IMMEDIATE no contact (was torture some days) and found out through social media that he moved another girl in with him 2 months after our breakup (from out of state...who he had never met IRL)!
Needless to say, this was excruciatingly painful for me as I was (for the first time in my life) investing in a relationship without having one foot out the door-I was in therapy and PDS so was working on communication, my core wound reprogramming etc. I know many people in this forum have experienced similar stories....and if you have childhood/attachment related wounding it can be virtually impossible not to make this mean something about you. It was so deeply traumatic for me that I had to (daily) work through the stories I was making it mean about me. In addition, I had to work on reprogramming my wounds (I am still in the process of doing this as I have a lot
) but that has CHANGED MY LIFE and how I have been able to approach this breakup as a gift. I now no longer make his shitty behavior mean anything about me, my worth, whether or not I matter, how foolish I was etc. Advice number 2: use a painful breakup as the springboard to dive into any and all painful history you have. THIS IS YOUR TIME. Don't let it go. Grab onto it and change your life. We broke up almost 6 months ago and I am doing great (1.5 year relationship all told). I am pretty damn close to secure now. My triggering is a fraction of what it was before (and I don't even mean the breakup I mean in life in general). I am not in any way needing another person for validation or to define my worth and I am so happy on my own. My own healing journey has had ripple effects as my own mom (the source of a lot of my attachment issues) and some friends have started to look into their own patterns. It's been crazy to see how much it affects everyone around you when you start to truly heal. Its contagious!
I am now fully into PDS (personal development school) and don't really visit attachment related forums any longer. But I want you to know that this community (quite literally) was ESSENTIAL in jump starting my healing journey. I believe with every fiber of my being I would not ever be where I am without you guys. For anyone visiting here in the throes of pain and wondering how to proceed... LISTEN TO THE PEEPS HERE! They know what they are talking about. I promise. Thank you so so much for all the support. I am (legitimately) getting emotional typing this out! AHHH! Joined in 2019 and I would have never in a million years predicted where my life would be 2 years later.
Anyway I won't be here much (if at all) anymore. I just had to tell you guys that it DOES get better, you CAN do it, and thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Oh and for anyone wondering, I have blocked my exes ass on all possible lines of communication and that will never change
PEACE! <3
