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Post by tnr9 on May 20, 2021 16:32:30 GMT
Yesterday I had a marvelous session with my therapist where we unlocked a very key piece to the puzzle of my attraction to certain men. Through our discussion, we determined that I desperately long to be held...and be held by a safe man. We are still working through what defines safe...but just discussing the need to be held was fantastic. I could look anew at my relationship with b and see that he was very good at holding me. We spent a lot of time together cuddling and hugging and he did give the most delicious full on bear hugs. I can also see that I did not want him to share those hugs with anyone else, which led to extreme protectiveness and jealousy at other women.
It was also a victory that I could speak to the relationship without feeling the need to protect and justify B’s behaviors as I once did.
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Post by krolle on May 21, 2021 13:51:38 GMT
Excellent!
I have noticed the desire to be held a common theme in your posts. Perhaps as an antidote to anxiety on a deeper level(just a guess)? I often see references to safety in your posts.
There are certain things we really associated with connection that make us happy I guess, for various reasons. Hand holding is a big one for me. It feels very intimate.
Do you have any theories on what you consider a 'safe man'? and why you want that?
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Post by tnr9 on May 23, 2021 15:33:23 GMT
Excellent! I have noticed the desire to be held a common theme in your posts. Perhaps as an antidote to anxiety on a deeper level(just a guess)? I often see references to safety in your posts. There are certain things we really associated with connection that make us happy I guess, for various reasons. Hand holding is a big one for me. It feels very intimate. Do you have any theories on what you consider a 'safe man'? and why you want that? I was a colicky baby so we think that I have had a hard time self soothing since I was born. Neither of my parents was very much into physical touch. For me, hugging/cuddling feels so amazing....and when I trigger anxious....I go into a new level where is isn’t just desired but “needed”. I have had friends put a hug quota on me. That is one of many things that I miss about B....he was great at cuddling...fantastic at hugging....I just felt an instantaneous “calm” in his arms...no wonder I did not want to “share” him and was always on the lookout for “threats” (other women who he might be interested in). A “safe” man is different depending on which “age” I am in...meaning, how triggered I am. I know that I tend to fall hard for avoidant leaning FA men who have struggled with some form of addiction and have a rather low opinion of self. I have this “hidden gem” perspective on potential. But..it isn’t every avoidant leaning FA...so I am still unraveling that mystery. And, they don’t look the same...so there isn’t a body type, hair color etc...other then they all have had bluish or blue/green eyes. Physical touch is crucial...and I tend to love when there is a childish/fun quality. Also...being judgement free...that is a big one. B never criticized how I lived, what I wore etc. |
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Post by krolle on May 26, 2021 3:56:56 GMT
I can't say if I was a colicky baby or not. But my story certainly corroborates with yours in that my parents demonstrate no interest in physical touch. In fact in 30 years of their marriage I have never once seen them so much as hug each other. Though I'm sure they have their own intimacy in private. It's a good guess as with a lot of this stuff that our desire for physical touch comes from a lack of it from our care givers I suppose. And I certainly see the appeal of it helping you feel safe and cared for when triggered anxious.
I subscribe to a 2nd theory regarding physical touch when it comes to us FA's too. That is to say it is a method we can achieve some kind of intimacy without too much threat. Unless you have some history of sexual abuse I mean.
For example I really struggle to be intimate in the sense of sharing information about myself. Because time and again that information has been used to manipulate or in some way control me. So I'm very frugal when it comes to giving a partner any information about myself (often resulting in me lying). whereas I can connect with someone physically with little risk by cuddling them.
I suppose you could say the same about sex for many of us FA's. However for me I'm far likely to abstain than become hyper sexual. Again due to trust issues rather than lack of desire. Sex has been used by many of my ex partners as a tool of manipulation so I view it with extreme caution, unlike cuddles.
Could you elaborate on your hidden gem perspective? And have you gained any insight from self reflecting about why you like avoidants with low self esteem/addictions?
Regarding the physical stuff. I don't think it's an attachment styles mystery. Though certainly an interesting one. Physical attraction has a lot of complicated causes. Many of which none of us understand.
Lack of negative judgement is big for me too. I'm quiet eccentric in my thoughts and actions. And if I keep getting told the way I do things is wrong or stupid I lean very avoidant to that person. I can be a bit of a hippocrit on that point as I'm prone to being judgemental myself for certain things, though I usually try hold my opinion in my own head if it's negative .
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2021 11:37:38 GMT
I can't say if I was a colicky baby or not. But my story certainly corroborates with yours in that my parents demonstrate no interest in physical touch. In fact in 30 years of their marriage I have never once seen them so much as hug each other. Though I'm sure they have their own intimacy in private. It's a good guess as with a lot of this stuff that our desire for physical touch comes from a lack of it from our care givers I suppose. And I certainly see the appeal of it helping you feel safe and cared for when triggered anxious. I subscribe to a 2nd theory regarding physical touch when it comes to us FA's too. That is to say it is a method we can achieve some kind of intimacy without too much threat. Unless you have some history of sexual abuse I mean. For example I really struggle to be intimate in the sense of sharing information about myself. Because time and again that information has been used to manipulate or in some way control me. So I'm very frugal when it comes to giving a partner any information about myself (often resulting in me lying). whereas I can connect with someone physically with little risk by cuddling them. I suppose you could say the same about sex for many of us FA's. However for me I'm far likely to abstain than become hyper sexual. Again due to trust issues rather than lack of desire. Sex has been used by many of my ex partners as a tool of manipulation so I view it with extreme caution, unlike cuddles. Could you elaborate on your hidden gem perspective? And have you gained any insight from self reflecting about why you like avoidants with low self esteem/addictions? Regarding the physical stuff. I don't think it's an attachment styles mystery. Though certainly an interesting one. Physical attraction has a lot of complicated causes. Many of which none of us understand. Lack of negative judgement is big for me too. I'm quiet eccentric in my thoughts and actions. And if I keep getting told the way I do things is wrong or stupid I lean very avoidant to that person. I can be a bit of a hippocrit on that point as I'm prone to being judgemental myself for certain things, though I usually try hold my opinion in my own head if it's negative . You sound like the guy I dated....he was very, very cautious with sharing information about himself (because I sensed he too had been manipulated based on what he shared). ...so perhaps that is why he was such a great hugger. I remember trying this 100 questions to know your partner and by question 5 he was already saying “skip”. That isn’t me at all....I am a pretty open book. I don’t have any issue with sharing about myself. Come to think of it...my mom and brother are not big “sharers” either...🤔...but they are also not huggers. I honestly think I have simply craved physical touch...as in being held...since I was a baby. So..hidden gem is a bit hard to explain since it ties to an emotional/fantasy reaction to a man...but the premise is...I sense something really special in a guy that I think no one else sees in him. For instance....with B...I fell in love with his kind heart....now, you can ask...how do you know his heart is kind? That is a great question....I simply “sensed it”....I am an HSP (highly sensitive person). Problem is...I tend to lock in on the potential and then justify things that should be red flags...such as addiction problems, anger issues, avoidance tendencies, conflict avoidance, history of short term relationships, ADHD etc. I think I fall for FA men who lean avoidant because it is “familiar”....my mom is FA and leans avoidant. But there is also this story that goes...if I can see the qualities in this man that no one else sees, then perhaps he will see those qualities in me that my parents never saw. I mean..it is a really sweet thought...but I am sure you can feel how icky that can come across to an avoidant leaning FA who does and doesn’t want to be “seen” (going back to your feelings of being manipulated). I haven’t quite honed/matured my HSP....which is one area that my therapist and I are working on. |
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