Can FA’s come back?

Short answer: yes.

Slightly longer answer: only if there was a hint of an authentic connection. And this is a bit of a warning, but AP's tend to think that anxious 'connection' is authentic when it's not. So be careful.

I'd be very careful after what was only a two month relationship. People can usually let the attraction and excitement of the feelings in a new relationship temporarily override their attachment issues and anxieties / avoidance, and can keep their fears under control until the stakes get higher. This usually lasts for about as long as the honeymoon period and is fueled by the two partners not knowing each other that well or being a permanent thing yet, leaving lots of room to project all over each other and have a chemistry-filled fantasy aspect to the budding connection.

When something like this happens, things have gotten real. The person was showing you only one part of themselves at the very beginning, but this is the full view. This is how he handles stress and conflict, and how he'll continue to handle it. This is not healthy, as much as it hurts.

AP tend to want to blame themselves and find the magic formula to fix everything and reconnect like before. It's hard to accept that the early dynamic can't last indefinitely or that it wasn't the full picture. There's complicated reasons AP feel this way and act out on their fear of abandonment, feeling like without reconnection it will be hard to even survive. Those are usually related to earlier relationships with inconsistent family members and adult caregivers for whom you did need to stay attached for survival. It isn't intuitive, but if you really want to become more secure and introspect, understanding where those triggered anxious patterns you experience are surfacing from is a place to start.

You're right that you didn't do anything to cause this! FAs don't trust themselves or others. AP don't trust themselves, and so assume they are to blame for another's attachment style-related distrust, because then they can convince themselves they can find some way to control the other person's reactions. If it's out of your hands because it's not your fault, then you need to accept and process it, which does not turn off all that reconnection anxiety you feel right now. It's very uncomfortable, and on the surface seems easier to try to force a reconnection, or hope for one if you're patient.

If you wait around to reconnect, and he does come back, you show his behavior is acceptable to you and it repeats. You end up on a roller coaster cycle of high highs and worse lows, with the lows getting longer every time. It's how the triggered FA and AP dynamic works. So if he's acting this way after only 2 months, stonewalling, pushing you away, refusing to communicate maturely, it'll just be more of this over and over. Is that what you want a relationship to look like for yourself?

I've waited and reconnected and wasted my time in an off and on FA/AP cycle, and it HURTS. My time was far better spent focusing on myself and my own issues and learning to process emotions fully, communicate better, and trying to heal my own past so that I started choosing healthy partners and not getting stuck in these horrible toxic situations. Again, I know it doesn't seem intuitive right now, and you believe the answers you're looking for are how do I get him back? Will he come back? It took me an embarrassingly long time to learn that, if you really want to feel better and get more secure, you need to ask completely different questions. And it's okay if it's a hard breakup with someone you had a real connection with but was full of attachment issues that brings you to asking yourself different questions. That's how most of us got to this forum.

If you are serious about wanting to get more secure, continue to stay out of contact with him for a while. When you are less triggered and your anxiety subsides a bit, start thinking about what's really bothering you. Examining family dynamics, fear of abandonment, and taking a look at this link are some good places to start: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response

Then, anne12 's thread with exercises for AP is more good food for thought: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricks

The more anxious-leaning an FA is, the more likely they will be to want to reconnect eventually. The more avoidant-leaning, the less likely, or the shorter and less effort the connections. But the goal is to internalize that you deserve more, you deserve a healthy relationship that's about connection not issues, so that if they do come back, you have very healthy boundaries and low fear and are in a good, secure place from which to make decisions. And if they don't come back, you're okay moving forward and being open to healthier connections that come your way.

I understand and sympathize….I went through a breakup that “caught me by surprise” but after a period of trying to understand him….I realized that there were little hints…he was a bit more reserved when we saw each other, he focused a lot more on distractions…such as TV watching and drinking….I just chose to ignore those subtle signs and held fast to the way we were when we first began dating.  I also had to look at why it bothered me so much and what I concluded was it was a one sided breakup….he had made his decision without providing me with any heads up….and that is how insecure relationships tend to be.  Because of fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment…along with being unable to truly process the emotions that arise from that fear….communication becomes broken.  Even if he comes back…he has established a pattern of one sided breakups and I don’t think that is what you want long term.

....Well, I can't really expand on that lol. It's like she can read my mind.

The bit you put in quotation marks Alexandra was literally my internal dialogue in many of my relationships. almost word for word.

But yeah in short, I agree. He will likely come back if true FA. Though without the work/ insight it's unlikely to be a good thing for you.

I agree,it was very likely nothing to do with being your fault, but out of morbid curiosity though, can you think of anything that triggered him to fall out with you and his friends in that moment? even something relatively innocuous to you.

So, we had a fight in late June where he lied to me and was hanging out with another girl. They were just friends but he lied about it. After catching him
In that lie, he became incredibly reserved and didn’t trust me. This heightened my AP attachment. I felt like I had to talk to him more to keep him and I pushed him away looking back now. I regret doing that. He asked for space and I got clingier. Dumb. I know. Then he thought his friends and i were talking behind his back. I wasn’t. He didn’t care what I said and broke up with me.

I have done the same thing before. I hope that doesn't make you guys think I'm a terrible person. I know its not going to be a popular thing to say. But I do understand his behaviour. And id like to explain it for your education.

I don't know his relational history. But for me, I lie a lot in relationships as a learned fawning response mainly. I have recognised over the years that it's not healthy and have tried to be as honest as I can these days, even if it is risky to do so. But it took a lot of time and pain to realize that the lying caused a lot of problems.

One thing you have to realize with some people is our perception of the world and people is completely hostile. Even our loved ones and friends are viewed as not to be trusted. In fact I personally approach most other humans that they cannot be trusted. This is particularly triggering when it comes to any sign of being controlled in any way. It's a trauma response based in fear.

I also have been guilty of lies of ommision, and being vague about myself, hiding information etc. The goal is to prevent control and by extension prevent vulnerability. To reduce the potential leverage another person has to manipulate and control me.

For example, Too many times have I been punished for having a female friend by jealous insecure partners. I just learned after a while it was better to lie about meeting up with them than be punished, or told something like "if you stay friends with her I will hurt you/ it's over between us" and these are strictly platonic friendships. They just happen to be the opposite sex.

And similarly, if I'm caught in my lie and chastised, I will withdraw and view the person with extreme mistrust from then on. With reconciliation being a difficult thing to approach.

But I can understand it feels crap to be lied to. And agree it's not a healthy coping strategy. I'm just trying to highlight the fact the lies and cover ups of this nature, at least for me, are rarely if ever, used for 'nefarious' purposes. More so as a defence again our perception of others as manipulators.

It's like a smoke screen to stop you getting to use knowledge as power. And relationships are viewed as a power game to us. One we cannot afford to lose.

But what happens is that the strategy become second nature. So when we are with a partner who is actually a decent person we still apply the same strategy of lies and deception. which is unfortunate for you, your essentially being tarred with the same brush as the people in our past who hurt us, because it's better to be safe than sorry.

The root cause of the problem being a deep mistrust of others. it's a very lonely way to live. And results in a lot of us isolating ourselves for long periods of time.

Thank you krolle for filling in the gaps so to speak. I recognize a bit of that in B actually and it makes sense because his dad was in the military and used a belt very liberally on him so trust was definitely an issue.