|
|
Post by maxymax on Aug 5, 2021 5:24:56 GMT
I’m at a destination wedding for my best friend. Surrounded by friends of 20+ years.
Unfortunately my ex is here. With her boyfriend of almost 2 years.
It’s the guy she met on a family trip that she slept with behind my back the first time we dated.
Seeing her doesn’t kill me or make me necessarily anxious or invoke any visceral feeling in me any more like it used to. But seeing the girl that used to tell me how much she loves me, how happy she was with me, that used to absolutely light up around me, hang all over me, only want to be with me, have less than 0 interest in talking to me or vying for my attention, hurts more than I thought. I mean I don’t even think she’s looked at me out of the corner of her eye. I might be less to her than I even thought.
To pour salt in the wound, I have to see her look at this guy like she used to look at me, only happier and more intensely. Hanging all over him. Giving him all of the affection she used to give me. Giving him the love and commitment I always knew she was capable of but barely gave to me. It’s fucking brutal. Everything I’m witnessing happen between them, should be me, could have been me. I still blame myself. Not in the absolutely self deprecating way, but I truly think the downfall was I loved her too much. I got too caught up in her affection and flowery words and just gave too much of myself too quick and it turned her off.
I said a very cold hello to this guy. And I’ve been very cordial to her. It’s the best I can do for my best friend that’s getting married but seeing her just clearly not have a warm feeling, even as a friend I think, left in her body and her so committed to and in love with the guy she slept with behind my back, that’s from another continent, has really upset me.
Just needed to get this out because I can’t say this shit to my friends here.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 5, 2021 6:24:43 GMT
You'll get through this. And then hopefully once you're away from her again, you'll get over it and move past it too. You deserve better than someone who treated you like crap, and better than always getting triggered anxious that someone has one foot out the door. Even if she did show you infatuation, she also showed you cruelty. Spinning round and round for 2 years is you continuing to punish yourself, and life is already too complicated to give your brain space to someone capable of betrayal and who triggers anxiety. Figure out why you're doing that, and then give yourself permission to forgive yourself and move on so that you're open to new connections with women who won't choose to handle their own issues by cheating.
|
|
|
|
Post by maxymax on Aug 5, 2021 16:20:01 GMT
You'll get through this. And then hopefully once you're away from her again, you'll get over it and move past it too. You deserve better than someone who treated you like crap, and better than always getting triggered anxious that someone has one foot out the door. Even if she did show you infatuation, she also showed you cruelty. Spinning round and round for 2 years is you continuing to punish yourself, and life is already too complicated to give your brain space to someone capable of betrayal and who triggers anxiety. Figure out why you're doing that, and then give yourself permission to forgive yourself and move on so that you're open to new connections with women who won't choose to handle their own issues by cheating. I will get though it. And Like I said I’m not having that wild anxious reaction to seeing her that I used to. It’s just really sad and heartbreaking. Over the 2 years we were on and off, there was always this palpable connection between us. Even when we weren’t dating, if we’d see each other, we couldn’t help but to be pulled right to each other. I was always the person in the room she wanted to be near, talk to, spend time with. I always thought that connection would always be there no matter what. Now seeing her have what seems like no desire to really be around me, it seems that connection is really dead and gone. Im tempted to turn on my charm, put out more friendly vibrations and strike up conversations with her since up to this point I’ve essentially been avoiding her and see how she reacts. It just breaks my heart that even though she professes all these deep happy loving feelings to me, telling me being with me was the happiest she had been in so long, that I got nothing compared to this guy. Everybody said she’s not relationship material and would go from fling to fling for a long time and then a year later, book completely in love and completely committed. Why hasn’t she had a single moment that changed everything like with me? Why is he getting all this commitment? Why did she do these messed up things to me but to him is being the perfect girlfriend? Some people have said it’s because when they’re together they’re always traveling basically so it’s always a vacation and then they’re apart for a month or so and it keeps it all exciting and a thrill. Maybe. Still doesn’t make it feel any easier to accept. Just really sucks seeing her look at somebody else the way she looked at me. I’m having a good time 95% of the time with my friends and everybody here but it’s tough when they’re together in front of me and then the moments afterwards when I have these thoughts. Just wish it was me |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 5, 2021 16:42:09 GMT
What you're ruminating about though is a fantasy version, and you're idealizing the dysfunctional FA/AP dynamic that's always been at play here (and still is). You wish you had a perfect love partnership with someone, and she happens to still be the attachment figure you associate that with. I guarantee you that if she came back with what you wanted, you'd also feel the other shoe about to drop because she has a history of cheating and can't be trusted. And yes, I agree with your friends that she's able to stay with him because it's travel time on, one month apart, so she has the distance to reset her relationship fears. Do you ever want kids? I guarantee you it's very difficult to have kids with someone who needs to be totally checked out for several weeks at a time several times a year! I don't remember, did you ever find a helpful therapist? I still think you idealize her to avoid other pain you have, and if you can get to the bottom of that you'll be happier and get over her, too. Enjoy the wedding and the weekend, and take safety precautions because we're still in a pandemic, and after you get home, decide if you want to help yourself heal and process this and move on once and for all. There's no healthy reconnection here, you don't deserve to torture yourself continuing to spin around grasping for it and comparing yourself to another fantasy version of someone else. |
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Aug 5, 2021 18:27:23 GMT
My thoughts are with you max.
Just a crappy situation to be in, and I'm proud you are, at least externally handling it with relative dignity.
I will also add that their relationship is likely built on a foundation of sand. I have been in that same relationship as he and her. the international long distance creates an extended honeymoon period. It's so easy to create the idea that this person is different and exotic and will meet your needs in such a perfect way compared to your fellow country men or women. That's what you're seeing most likely with them.
Eventually when things get real and the falsely extended honeymoon period falls away, they will still just be potentially left with all their unresolved crap and feel unhappy with each other, possibly cheat or become disinterested. That's the most likely time she will show interest in you again. But I hope by then you might see that interest for the reality of how selfish it is.
And hopefully by then you will be secure enough to have a real loving relationship and all of this will be just experience.
This is all supposition of course. But I'v seen it pan out that way plenty before. The moral of the story is not to give you false Hope, but to help you not get so down on yourself about the likely real nature of why she is acting that way toward him and how it's not an indication of your value as a great guy.
I feel your pain though. were on you're side.
|
|
|
|
Post by maxymax on Aug 6, 2021 14:00:21 GMT
What you're ruminating about though is a fantasy version, and you're idealizing the dysfunctional FA/AP dynamic that's always been at play here (and still is). You wish you had a perfect love partnership with someone, and she happens to still be the attachment figure you associate that with. I guarantee you that if she came back with what you wanted, you'd also feel the other shoe about to drop because she has a history of cheating and can't be trusted. And yes, I agree with your friends that she's able to stay with him because it's travel time on, one month apart, so she has the distance to reset her relationship fears. Do you ever want kids? I guarantee you it's very difficult to have kids with someone who needs to be totally checked out for several weeks at a time several times a year! I don't remember, did you ever find a helpful therapist? I still think you idealize her to avoid other pain you have, and if you can get to the bottom of that you'll be happier and get over her, too. Enjoy the wedding and the weekend, and take safety precautions because we're still in a pandemic, and after you get home, decide if you want to help yourself heal and process this and move on once and for all. There's no healthy reconnection here, you don't deserve to torture yourself continuing to spin around grasping for it and comparing yourself to another fantasy version of someone else. I know you’re right about if we were ever to get back together I’d likely never truly trust her without some insane amount of work but even then. When we got back together for our second go at it, I didn’t really trust her. Some people would say she didn’t technically cheat since we never established we were exclusive but I know she wasn’t dating anybody else, we were spending 3 nights a week together, talking everyday, and right before the family trip she met this guy on she told me “I’m not going to fuck you over, you got me babe, I’m all yours.” So whether you want to call it cheating or not I still feel like I have the right to feel betrayed. I just don’t understand why she did that. We had been having such an incredible time together at that point. She had just told me being with me was the happiest she was in such a long time. While she was on that trip she was texting me every single day, wishing me sweet dreams every night. When she had been casually seeing somebody I knew for a few weeks, we slept together, and she felt that was so wrong to do to the other guy that she told him. So she had to have known and felt that it was wrong to sleep with the hired help on this trip. I can’t comprehend how she could say she was so happy with me and always telling me how amazing I am and then to screw this guy probably thinking I’d never in a million years find out. I just wish she had never done that. If she had never been on that damn trip, if she had never done that, this could have all went sooo differently. And I just hate that she did that to me of all people (her sisters husband is my best friend) but the way she acts with her boyfriend it’s like she worships him and would never ever do something like that to him. Why does he get that and I couldn’t? I stopped seeing a therapist a long time ago. It was a combination of losing a job and therefore health insurance to pay for the therapist but also I just didn’t feel it helped all that much. Initially after our final break up it was cathartic to rant and rave and cry to somebody. After that ended though it seemed all the advice from 2 different therapists and every article I read online boiled down to the same few things. Thought stopping and working on yourself to build your self esteem and confidence and everything else will fall into place from there when you’re truly a happy and confident person. I’m not sure having somebody tell me that xyz hurts me because my parents got divorced. Maybe I’m wrong. I thought about seeking out somebody that specializes in EMDR since there is science that supports it healing trauma though. Maybe I’ll look into it. My thoughts are with you max. Just a crappy situation to be in, and I'm proud you are, at least externally handling it with relative dignity. I will also add that their relationship is likely built on a foundation of sand. I have been in that same relationship as he and her. the international long distance creates an extended honeymoon period. It's so easy to create the idea that this person is different and exotic and will meet your needs in such a perfect way compared to your fellow country men or women. That's what you're seeing most likely with them. Eventually when things get real and the falsely extended honeymoon period falls away, they will still just be potentially left with all their unresolved crap and feel unhappy with each other, possibly cheat or become disinterested. That's the most likely time she will show interest in you again. But I hope by then you might see that interest for the reality of how selfish it is. And hopefully by then you will be secure enough to have a real loving relationship and all of this will be just experience. This is all supposition of course. But I'v seen it pan out that way plenty before. The moral of the story is not to give you false Hope, but to help you not get so down on yourself about the likely real nature of why she is acting that way toward him and how it's not an indication of your value as a great guy. I feel your pain though. were on you're side. I appreciate your support and your thoughts, truly. It’s such a tough situation having to see her hanging all over him, laying on him, walking around with him, smiling, giggling, just looking in love. All I can think is that’s supposed to be me. And I hate that he’s being included by my friends. It’s just really shit. Could you tell me more about your experiences with this type of relationship? What was it that made it seem like the perfect fit for you and what did you feel was making it work and then not work? Or even if it wasn’t your own relationship I’m interested The whole extended honeymoon thing makes sense, but not sure that lasts almost 2 years? Maybe in a LDR where they only see each other like 1 or 2 weekends a month or something but my ex and her boyfriend have lived together for several months at a time. They work on charter boats together now so she’s moving to the Caribbean to do that with him. So it’s more like live together 3 months, don’t see each other a month. Like yea I guess that’s a very exciting lifestyle no doubt but still how come this girl that everybody said had this pattern and was no good for a long term relationship is able to get past all of that for so long? I mean when she ended things for the last time she pin pointed an exact moment, when we were getting ready together in the morning and I kissed her cheek from behind, as the moment that everything changed for her with me and she started questioning and doubting things. If a single moment like that could change everything with me when she was so damn happy and telling me how much she loved me and we had only been back together about 6 months at that point, how has a little moment like that not happened over almost 2 years. Ugh. Survived last night. We’ve been more friendly to each other which is nice. I have been very cold to her boyfriend, he can’t really seem to take the hint and keeps trying to talk to me. I hate that my friends are being so nice to him but also what can I expect? Just 3 more days. Luckily all day Saturday it’s just the bridal party together all day so won’t have to see him but I think the actual wedding is going to be really tough seeing them together slow dancing and just within that wedding/loving vibe, again thinking that it should be me. But will continue to do my best and enjoy everything that I can. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 6, 2021 14:26:44 GMT
I get the…why is he getting what I didn’t questions…believe me…I “still” have moments where I go down that rabbit hole regarding B. In my case, B did a bunch of things with his next girlfriend that he did not do with me….took her on family vacations, made then Facebook official, got engaged and then married…all within 1 year. I just could not fathom it. Initially it felt like a personal affront and I did all the comparisons..what did she have that I did not etc. My therapist reminded me about 2 things…1. B owed me nothing….meaning, this girl was not getting what was owed to me….there are a lot of people who date and for whatever reason the relationship ends…..there are also a lot of people who get married and behind closed doors are miserable. To have the opinion that he owed me something meant I was not viewing him as an autonomous person who has the freedom to choose whoever he wants (believe me, that is not what I wanted to hear, but it is true). 2. I was holding onto an idealized version of B….taking the best parts and projecting that forward instead of looking at the relationship as a whole…including moments where he wasn’t as loving, caring etc as I was making him out to be.
My only advice is for you to take a moment with yourself and choose how you want things to be after the wedding. I chose to cut all contact because I knew I could not focus on the work I needed to do…..and by work I mean….looking at the very beginning of things..My relationships with my parents. I would have been so distracted in still trying to process things about B and I would have missed out on the deeper work I needed to do. I do wish you well…I know this is tough…but just a few more days to go.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 6, 2021 17:29:24 GMT
When she had been casually seeing somebody I knew for a few weeks, we slept together, and she felt that was so wrong to do to the other guy that she told him. If she had never been on that damn trip, if she had never done that, this could have all went sooo differently. I thought about seeking out somebody that specializes in EMDR since there is science that supports it healing trauma though. Maybe I’ll look into it. A couple comments on the above. First, she has a history of stepping out on people when they don't deserve it. You weren't the first one she did it to. So I don't think there's any point in what if-ing the trip or blaming that, because if not then, it would have been another time. She said she felt bad with your other friend, yet did it again to you, so her words, ALL her words, are meaningless. Don't hang onto them. For after the wedding... while there are a lot of issues with your self-esteem here (you felt "chosen" when she left someone for you, you felt horrible when she "chose" someone else, someone you feel like is of a lower stature than you since you always have referred to him as the help, and you can't stop comparing yourself to other people or letting her choices define your value)... I don't think that's the main root of your problem. Which is why the therapists you were going to weren't the right match. It can unfortunately take several tries to find a good one who is effective. You've got other trauma and holes in yourself, and it's going to be hard to just build self-esteem without going even deeper and looking into that pain that needs healing first and then building up from there. Otherwise, it's surface-level so it doesn't stick, nor does it address the fact that something keeps you stuck and not fully processing your emotions (based on all your past posts about this too). It's more complicated than building your self-esteem will get you out of the loop, which is why you're finding that you hit a wall with the therapists who were pointing you in that direction. People on this forum who haven't had success with talk therapy have seemed to find somatic experience therapy really helpful. Take a look into that too when you're researching EMDR. You can even search posts or start your own asking posters here for their SE experiences. |
|
