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Post by midnight77 on Aug 5, 2021 14:41:37 GMT
Hello everybody, I am new in the forum and I have gained precious insight on my recent relationships thanks to the threads in here!
I want to briefly tell you about my experience. I am actually a FA (more on the anxious side), however I would say I am recovering. Or at least I was recovering before another FA (leaning avoidant) destroyed me once again. Before him, I felt very scared to date, very cautious and not willing to be vulnerable around others and catch feelings.
A few months ago I met him, initially love-bombing, very very reliable, conscious, apparently transparent. It all changed overnight due to his avoidant tendencies, strongly triggered by some actions and words that - even though I self-define as an anxious FA - were standard relationship communication and normal requests for reassurance. However, knowing my own pattern as a FA I completely understood that and tried to calm things down.
After days of extremely hot and extremely cold behavior, in the course of a few weeks my anxious tendencies have exploded. Again, knowing how my anxiety works, I tried to keep it all to myself (which killed me inside) and engage in self work, not to further trigger him. Eventually he began gaslighting and ghosting me continuously. This time I understood I could not tolerate that anymore, I continuously felt like suffocating, I felt powerless and had lost a lot of self-confidence (which is a big deal since in the course of the past years I have worked very hard to gain it).
The first days, in typical FA style I felt free and like I had dodged a bullet, and the day after I felt like I had lost the love of my life. Now, after a few weeks of no contact from me, having had enough of the situation, I feel like I have never felt anything for him. I feel emotionless. I do not miss him...Is this normal for an FA, considering that not much time has passed and I felt very involved in this connection? Or am I just deactivating?
I am angry, but not because I miss him. I am angry because I feel like I was finally allowing myself to develop deep feelings for someone, and also because he made me feel like I was safe being vulnerable with him.
Once again, I am embarking on a journey of self-healing. Do you have any suggestions, meditations, exercises? Do you have similar experiences?
By the way, thank you very much. Knowing we are not alone is great!
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 5, 2021 15:07:12 GMT
Hello everybody, I am new in the forum and I have gained precious insight on my recent relationships thanks to the threads in here! I want to briefly tell you about my experience. I am actually a FA (more on the anxious side), however I would say I am recovering. Or at least I was recovering before another FA (leaning avoidant) destroyed me once again. Before him, I felt very scared to date, very cautious and not willing to be vulnerable around others and catch feelings. A few months ago I met him, initially love-bombing, very very reliable, conscious, apparently transparent. It all changed overnight due to his avoidant tendencies, strongly triggered by some actions and words that - even though I self-define as an anxious FA - were standard relationship communication and normal requests for reassurance. However, knowing my own pattern as a FA I completely understood that and tried to calm things down. After days of extremely hot and extremely cold behavior, in the course of a few weeks my anxious tendencies have exploded. Again, knowing how my anxiety works, I tried to keep it all to myself (which killed me inside) and engage in self work, not to further trigger him. Eventually he began gaslighting and ghosting me continuously. This time I understood I could not tolerate that anymore, I continuously felt like suffocating, I felt powerless and had lost a lot of self-confidence (which is a big deal since in the course of the past years I have worked very hard to gain it). The first days, in typical FA style I felt free and like I had dodged a bullet, and the day after I felt like I had lost the love of my life. Now, after a few weeks of no contact from me, having had enough of the situation, I feel like I have never felt anything for him. I feel emotionless. I do not miss him...Is this normal for an FA, considering that not much time has passed and I felt very involved in this connection? Or am I just deactivating? I am angry, but not because I miss him. I am angry because I feel like I was finally allowing myself to develop deep feelings for someone, and also because he made me feel like I was safe being vulnerable with him. Once again, I am embarking on a journey of self-healing. Do you have any suggestions, meditations, exercises? Do you have similar experiences? By the way, thank you very much. Knowing we are not alone is great! Hi and welcome…I too am an AP leaning FA…so the attraction to an avoidant leaning FA is very familiar to me. A couple of things caught my attention…. First…you use words such as love bombing and gas lighting….although an avoidant leaning FA can come on strong…I personally have never experienced love bombing or gas lighting from anyone other then someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Although there is some literature that ties avoidance with NPD….there is, in my opinion, a vast difference between someone with attachment wounding and someone with a personality disorder. Second…I noticed a lot of “he” based words around breaking your trust etc. What actually is happening is that you are outsourcing your ability to be ok to someone who really hasn’t earned the right to have that power over you. One thing that has helped me in my journey is to take my power back. I get to choose whether someone gets to be trustworthy…and if they prove they are not….they do not destroy my trust in general…that person however no longer gets my trust. Do you see the difference? Outsourcing makes you a victim whereas taking it within yourself makes you powerful. Third…it is really good that you have noticed that you are in a numb state….I do think you are in a phase of deactivation….probably because as you say…you are angry. Was it ok for you to be angry when you were a child? I know it was not ok for me growing up, so like you…I tend to take that anger inward and become numb. I also get that way when I feel unheard or embarrassed. Keep paying attention to your feelings. 🙂 The best advice I can give you is to find a therapist who can help you to process your own attachment issues, gain self respect and learn new skills and behaviors. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 5, 2021 15:38:38 GMT
Dont be angry at yourself - do this instead IT can Be like poison if You are angry at yourself and IT can drain your lifeenergy. Every time You are getting angry at yourself do the this exercise instead jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/If you are in a freeze state then theres some resources in the selfregulating thread (Secure forum) and how to work with your selfworth And tips on how to process and how to work with a broken heart in the generel discussion forum |
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 5, 2021 16:08:25 GMT
Hello everybody, I am new in the forum and I have gained precious insight on my recent relationships thanks to the threads in here! I want to briefly tell you about my experience. I am actually a FA (more on the anxious side), however I would say I am recovering. Or at least I was recovering before another FA (leaning avoidant) destroyed me once again. Before him, I felt very scared to date, very cautious and not willing to be vulnerable around others and catch feelings. A few months ago I met him, initially love-bombing, very very reliable, conscious, apparently transparent. It all changed overnight due to his avoidant tendencies, strongly triggered by some actions and words that - even though I self-define as an anxious FA - were standard relationship communication and normal requests for reassurance. However, knowing my own pattern as a FA I completely understood that and tried to calm things down. After days of extremely hot and extremely cold behavior, in the course of a few weeks my anxious tendencies have exploded. Again, knowing how my anxiety works, I tried to keep it all to myself (which killed me inside) and engage in self work, not to further trigger him. Eventually he began gaslighting and ghosting me continuously. This time I understood I could not tolerate that anymore, I continuously felt like suffocating, I felt powerless and had lost a lot of self-confidence (which is a big deal since in the course of the past years I have worked very hard to gain it). The first days, in typical FA style I felt free and like I had dodged a bullet, and the day after I felt like I had lost the love of my life. Now, after a few weeks of no contact from me, having had enough of the situation, I feel like I have never felt anything for him. I feel emotionless. I do not miss him...Is this normal for an FA, considering that not much time has passed and I felt very involved in this connection? Or am I just deactivating? I am angry, but not because I miss him. I am angry because I feel like I was finally allowing myself to develop deep feelings for someone, and also because he made me feel like I was safe being vulnerable with him. Once again, I am embarking on a journey of self-healing. Do you have any suggestions, meditations, exercises? Do you have similar experiences? By the way, thank you very much. Knowing we are not alone is great! Hi and welcome…I too am an AP leaning FA…so the attraction to an avoidant leaning FA is very familiar to me. A couple of things caught my attention…. First…you use words such as love bombing and gas lighting….although an avoidant leaning FA can come on strong…I personally have never experienced love bombing or gas lighting from anyone other then someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Although there is some literature that ties avoidance with NPD….there is, in my opinion, a vast difference between someone with attachment wounding and someone with a personality disorder. Second…I noticed a lot of “he” based words around breaking your trust etc. What actually is happening is that you are outsourcing your ability to be ok to someone who really hasn’t earned the right to have that power over you. One thing that has helped me in my journey is to take my power back. I get to choose whether someone gets to be trustworthy…and if they prove they are not….they do not destroy my trust in general…that person however no longer gets my trust. Do you see the difference? Outsourcing makes you a victim whereas taking it within yourself makes you powerful. Third…it is really good that you have noticed that you are in a numb state….I do think you are in a phase of deactivation….probably because as you say…you are angry. Was it ok for you to be angry when you were a child? I know it was not ok for me growing up, so like you…I tend to take that anger inward and become numb. I also get that way when I feel unheard or embarrassed. Keep paying attention to your feelings. 🙂 The best advice I can give you is to find a therapist who can help you to process your own attachment issues, gain self respect and learn new skills and behaviors. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Thank you very much, I took the advice and sent you a PM  |
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 5, 2021 16:09:06 GMT
Dont be angry at yourself - do this instead IT can Be like poison if You are angry at yourself and IT can drain your lifeenergy. Every time You are getting angry at yourself do the this exercise instead jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/If you are in a freeze state then theres some resources in the selfregulating thread (Secure forum) and how to work with your selfworth And tips on how to process and how to work with a broken heart in the generel discussion forum Thank you very much, I will take a look at these threads |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 5, 2021 17:04:04 GMT
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Post by midnight77 on Aug 5, 2021 17:11:07 GMT
Youre welcome. There is also a healing desorganised / fa thread in the generel discussion forum Could it be that it is the healthy part of you that find it okay with the relationship ending and thats why you feel relief ? Perhaps, yes... Hopefully there is still one part of the "recovered me" that knows that he has been acting this way because of his attachment style and is not taking it personally. However, the anxious side is still there sometimes, I feel it trying to gain control over my thoughts. |
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