DA/AP long story

dexter, when parents who don't get along because they are toxic together separate, it's time to make it about the kid and not about their own feelings.

You're still trying to get blood from a turnip from her, and it's as if you are unable to function with her unless she makes you feel the way you want to feel.

If you want to be in the kids life you will have to realize that she isn't going to be who and what you want her to be, and that you're an adult who can manage your own emotions about that while serving the best interests of the boy.

As it is, you two are both inconsistent, unreliable, and focused on your own dynamic and he's suffering for that. A cancelled visit because you two have to fight is damaging and unfair to him.

Hello everyone! Hope you doing well!

I think I need to vent, but I am also looking for some insight, different perspective, which might could help me to move on. Because I am struggling with it. I feel like I’ve moved on through some stages of grieving, deattaching, even anger, but right now I am stuck.

First, some background. Me and my ex cut communication over a year ago to a minimum, which mean contact between me and my stepson. He facetimed me few times a week, we played games, had fun, learn basic maths and reading. It was tough for both of us having no actual physical contact, but at some point we get used to it, and it became our ritual. May 2022 and suddenly my ex calls me in the middle of a day – she had a traffic accident (nothing serious) and her anxiety and neurotism went very high. She asked me for help. Of course I did help. I took care of everything. We’ve opened lines of communication. She invited me to dinner (just to thank me for my help), but I declined, due to obvious reasons. At this point I was very firm in my believe, that there is no future for our relationship. But we called each other from time to time, in the beginning it was casual, then she started to open up. She was grieving the loss of our „stable family life” (sic!), had anxiety issues. I think I was at the time in a better place in my life than her. In July I invited her for a dinner. It was really great, despite being casual. Few days later we’had a long relationship talk on the phone, for the first time since winter. No accusations, no power struggle, just talking about our own issues and its part of relationship dynamics. I’ve heard literally everything I would like to hear from her on our short couple counselling before break up. Damn, I gave it a shot. We’ve met in person and I told her I am ready to give it a try, taking small steps. I gave her space to think about it, but of course she went radio silence. I called her, she stated that her anxiety and fear skyrocketed, she felt almost physical hurt in her stomach, and she was dealing with insomnia since our dinner. Her therapist told her it’s her body telling her that she should run away from this relationship. I didn’t dealt with it, went radio silence, just stayed in contact with my stepson as before. Week later she called me out of the blue, crying. She went with her friend and her kids on a vacation. They rent a summer house, but it was terrible, no lake nearby, no woods, just a stinky farm and fields everywhere. It was her friend’s choice. I know it was a bit stupid, but I proposed that I will prepare my own summer house, which is very close to their place. It was „our” place, we spent there a lot of time, kid loved it, lake with a beach, woods and comfortable house. I know I might acted like a guy with no dignity, but I was doing it more for my stepson than her. So next day morning I went 200km away to my summer house to turn on electricity, water pump, etc. I called her that its ready and I am leaving keys in a safe place – because we agreed (which I wasn’t sure was right) that there will be no meetings in person with my stepson, so he wouldn’t have false hope that we reconcile, and me and my ex could move on instead of meeting regularly. But she insisted on me to wait for them, because kid is waiting to meet me and will be very dissapointed. I was shocked of this sudden change of mind (week ago she event told it would be best to go full no contact and even slowly cease my contact with stepson). But when they came…well, I was a happiest person in this world. My stepson was cuddling with me, telling me that I am his dad and he is my son, best I would have (funny little smartguy). We spent a whole day together, and it was so good, felt like back home. When I was leaving, kid cried, my ex cried, I cried. Spontaneusly I proposed a yachting day when I come back from my 3-week trip (I was leaving day after). When I was on my trip, she called me almost everyday. Damn, she is such a great human being, caring and open when not shut down and acting cold (even to the point of being aggresive). A day before our yachting, she suddenly changed. She acted cold, had doubts if we should spend day together. Unfortunately I made a huge step back with my attachment issues, because I pushed her, made her feel guilty for her son’s feelings – he would be very dissapointed, and that was true. But I’ve put a pressure, like in the past in our relationship, when she was distancing. On the other hand, she should have some responsibility and consistency. Look, she pushed me as well – into meeting my stepson at my summer house, despite I was OK that we had no physical contact since 8 months. When we met, I almost physically felt her anxiousness and fear. I tried to be as gentle as I could, trying to show that I understand her. She calmed down, yachting was great and overall it was really great day. But I knew what was coming. I gave her space and week later called her (she didn’t call me, my stepson did not as well, which was weird). It was a brief talk, again she had mental health issues, skyrocketed anxiety and fears. I asked if I can talk to a kid, she said that he is tired and she don’t want to excite him before sleep. I knew it was as an excuse, but I agreed. Few days later she didn’t answer my phone and one message I’ve sent – was left on read. So that was it. It’s been 8 months of no contact since then, apart from a very strange phone call from her mother. It was very superficial small talk asking me how I am, how my life is going.
I am in a dark place of my life today. My new business startup project, into which I invested a lot is not bringing me expected profits. My father has a cancer diagnosis. My mother is toxic, controlling, judgemental and acts without compassion when I try to seek suport from her. She’s even aggresive when I mention that I miss my stepkid, last time she called him „small stinky fart”, and that something is not right with me because I miss a kid that is not my blood. My two best friends helped me a lot a year ago, but they have their own problems, and I feel it is inappropriate to complain. And I don’t need advice, because I know what they will tell me – just let it go, forget, meet someone. I don’t want to meet anyone, socially I act quite avoidant right now. I am not interested in romantic relationships, I found woman that I met unattractive to me. I am comparing them to my ex. Yes, she was great, it was a match, apart from this terrible attachment incompatibility. And no, I am not idealizing her. I remember how bad it was, when we were „dancing”.

It’s been 8 months of no contact. First months were really good for me, I felt my healing is going linear, I was doing really fine. Christmas time was quite tough, because every Xmas was a special time for us, and I have only good, warm memories and feelings. But it was just a few days, it passed.

Unfortunately about a month ago, I felt a loss of my stepson and my ex, my stable (as stupid as it sounds) life, where I had a purpose, where I was needed, where I got a sense of life, raising together kid, watching movies and cuddling, planning trips, yachting, cooking and taking care of our home. I suppose this amplify in emotions is strictly connected to my life situation at this moment. Deep inside I am still attached to her, in a way that I never experienced before in my life, because even when I was dumped in my life after LTR, I moved on quite quickly and in a textbook linear way. I know that I should (really?) have my own suport system within myself. Am I so flawed that I can’t handle? I feel very, very lonely. And the more lonely I am, the less capable of forming a new relationship. I was on a few dates two months ago. I had zero enthusiasm and I was asking myself what I was doing here. Both women were physically attractive to me, but I’ve lost any interest after first date.
Over these 8 months I resisted a temptation to text my ex. In fact I have this urge very strong since last month. I saw my stepson and my ex downtown (we live in a small city). They didn’t see me. I had lot of emotions. I know nothing about her life, she knows nothing about me I suppose (apart from what I told her mother – that life is good generally). I really would be happy to know how is my stepson, what’s in their life, is everything OK. The part of me understands, that deep down I didn’t detach. But I still do care for them. Yes, for my ex too. I don’t know if this is love. I keep asking myself.

I do not contact her because of two main reasons. I do not want to bother her, make a turmoil in her life. She chose to cut contact, I am not angry, I understand how hard it was for her to cope with (all these emotions between us). I am trying to respect it. Second reason is that I ask myself „what for?”. What would the outcome look like? Being friends? Not possible. Reconnecting? Aw come on. Do I fear being rejected? No, I do not.
Sometimes I feel that I am doomed to finally contact her. But in this very moment I decide to wait and rethink it when I will be in a better mental place. It works. But it is so exhausting. I think about a lobotomy or sometimes just giving up life.

If you get to this point, thank you very much. I know it was a pain in the ass, because my English is less than average 
Hugs to everyone!

Hello alexandra,

Thank you for your response. Yes, I attend therapy, but right now I can safely afford only two session per month. It's more like a venting, than real therapy. But there are some good insights and conclusions. Most important one for me is that on a rational level, I'ce decided to salvage this relationship, move on with my life and never look back. But deep down, hidden within my emotions, that relationship with my ex and my stepson still is alive. I have irrational resistance to delete our photos (even that I didn't watch them, because afraid of pain I could experience) or her phone number. Irreversibility of such move is frightening. When I am asked straight if I would like to reconcile - my answer is no and it's honest on the rational level. My therapist surfaced a hope within me. A hope which my rational mind can't explain.

I won't take any drastic actions. Future is unknown, there can be a lot of good things out there for me. But now it's like feeling of giving up is a relief. Sometimes.