Post by littleoldme on Sept 16, 2021 23:37:12 GMT
I have only recently learnt about AT and I must say it is fascinating and so insightful!
I'm a late 40s f who is primarily AP (I am extremely composed as it is more important for me to save face and appear in control of my emotions - especially to my ex).
I hooked up with (whom I assume to be) a DA (mid-late 40s m) colleague in October last year. We are in the same profession and he was doing temporary duties at my location for 3 months. We bonded as we were both going through a marriage break up (both got left - his 2nd marriage). He was 6 months further down that road than me.
We would talk at work and then he would text me at night. We would share our sad songs and he would say "Thanks for the tears". After he had moved to another work location, during one night of texting we agreed to spend a night together. He said, "I'm all in but s*** can't get weird after".We locked in a date which was 5 days later and the sexual tension was extremely powerful. We were texting constantly in anticipation. I was really cool like and said I won't stay over, "I'll just love you and leave you". But he was quite insistent that I should stay.
Our first night together we were so comfortable with each other and it was amazing, although there was some ED to which he said, "Don't look at me, don't be nice to me". He revealed that he hadn't been intimate with his wife for 3 years + the (now) 8 months separation so he was starved of affection. I had gone about 12 months w/o sex with my husband. He also mentioned that his wife would ask him for a hug and he would say, "No, I don't feel like it".
He invited me to come back again the next night and we spent 2 more nights together over the following 3 days and it just got better and better. Due to logistics of child raising (he has his 3y.o. daughter every 2nd day and my teenage kids are with me almost every night) it was another 2 weeks before we spent our 4th (and what was to be our final night) together. In the lead up he was texting morning, noon and night, he said "It's been so long since we've seen each other". That night he asked if I would go on the pill and I replied if this is going to be a long-term thing then I will.
What I know now is the deactivating strategies started. He would say that he was so drained after dealing with his ex and didn't want to f*** me around and ruin what should be some lovely 'me time'. I didn't see him again although there were numerous texts and mid-December he said, "I'm not looking for a r'ship in any way" and ended it but said he wanted to remain friends.
Xmas Eve he reached out and wished me merry Xmas but with a "This probably sounds s*** coming from me".
Fast forward to June, (we had been in regular phone contact often quite flirty and reminiscent of our nights together, I got promoted and he said he was proud of me, he called on the anniversary of my Dad's death, he would call me beautiful and amazing, often ending with love hearts and kisses) and it was back on - we were going to spend a night together. He ended the text with, "Only if you're free, I'm not worth that". I replied with, "You're worth it".
That night never came and I reached out a couple of times after 1 week and then another and he responded to my texts simply with love heart emojis. I finally called him after about 3 weeks and he said, "I know I've gone into hibernation, I'll always go AWOL, don't chase me I'm a mess, everything is f***ed, I'll call you, we'll catch up". He mentioned that he is a little bit embarrassed and sad about where his life is at and how his 3y.o is so relentless and demanding. I sense there is depression and alcohol abuse in the mix. He does spend a great deal of time on social media even though he would say, "Im sooo busy".
I have reached out a couple more times, the last time I said that "I think he misses me as much as I miss him and I would go so far to say that we love each other as friends and I offered to 'help' him by talking about his days and reading stories to his daughter and tucking them both into bed from time to time - no pressure". He instantly replied with, "I'm going to respond to this but am currently fighting a 3y.o" He has not responded as promised and there has been NC for 15 days (he has liked a FB post during that time). We never said a harsh word to each other, he is a lovely guy, we had great chemistry, he has been open and honest, I've been warm, kind, compassionate and supportive, NOT needy/clingy.
So, what now? Feedback, suggestions, comments welcome...
I'm a late 40s f who is primarily AP (I am extremely composed as it is more important for me to save face and appear in control of my emotions - especially to my ex).
I hooked up with (whom I assume to be) a DA (mid-late 40s m) colleague in October last year. We are in the same profession and he was doing temporary duties at my location for 3 months. We bonded as we were both going through a marriage break up (both got left - his 2nd marriage). He was 6 months further down that road than me.
We would talk at work and then he would text me at night. We would share our sad songs and he would say "Thanks for the tears". After he had moved to another work location, during one night of texting we agreed to spend a night together. He said, "I'm all in but s*** can't get weird after".We locked in a date which was 5 days later and the sexual tension was extremely powerful. We were texting constantly in anticipation. I was really cool like and said I won't stay over, "I'll just love you and leave you". But he was quite insistent that I should stay.
Our first night together we were so comfortable with each other and it was amazing, although there was some ED to which he said, "Don't look at me, don't be nice to me". He revealed that he hadn't been intimate with his wife for 3 years + the (now) 8 months separation so he was starved of affection. I had gone about 12 months w/o sex with my husband. He also mentioned that his wife would ask him for a hug and he would say, "No, I don't feel like it".
He invited me to come back again the next night and we spent 2 more nights together over the following 3 days and it just got better and better. Due to logistics of child raising (he has his 3y.o. daughter every 2nd day and my teenage kids are with me almost every night) it was another 2 weeks before we spent our 4th (and what was to be our final night) together. In the lead up he was texting morning, noon and night, he said "It's been so long since we've seen each other". That night he asked if I would go on the pill and I replied if this is going to be a long-term thing then I will.
What I know now is the deactivating strategies started. He would say that he was so drained after dealing with his ex and didn't want to f*** me around and ruin what should be some lovely 'me time'. I didn't see him again although there were numerous texts and mid-December he said, "I'm not looking for a r'ship in any way" and ended it but said he wanted to remain friends.
Xmas Eve he reached out and wished me merry Xmas but with a "This probably sounds s*** coming from me".
Fast forward to June, (we had been in regular phone contact often quite flirty and reminiscent of our nights together, I got promoted and he said he was proud of me, he called on the anniversary of my Dad's death, he would call me beautiful and amazing, often ending with love hearts and kisses) and it was back on - we were going to spend a night together. He ended the text with, "Only if you're free, I'm not worth that". I replied with, "You're worth it".
That night never came and I reached out a couple of times after 1 week and then another and he responded to my texts simply with love heart emojis. I finally called him after about 3 weeks and he said, "I know I've gone into hibernation, I'll always go AWOL, don't chase me I'm a mess, everything is f***ed, I'll call you, we'll catch up". He mentioned that he is a little bit embarrassed and sad about where his life is at and how his 3y.o is so relentless and demanding. I sense there is depression and alcohol abuse in the mix. He does spend a great deal of time on social media even though he would say, "Im sooo busy".
I have reached out a couple more times, the last time I said that "I think he misses me as much as I miss him and I would go so far to say that we love each other as friends and I offered to 'help' him by talking about his days and reading stories to his daughter and tucking them both into bed from time to time - no pressure". He instantly replied with, "I'm going to respond to this but am currently fighting a 3y.o" He has not responded as promised and there has been NC for 15 days (he has liked a FB post during that time). We never said a harsh word to each other, he is a lovely guy, we had great chemistry, he has been open and honest, I've been warm, kind, compassionate and supportive, NOT needy/clingy.
So, what now? Feedback, suggestions, comments welcome...
