Here we go again.

FWIW, I don't think this is a coincidence, but you're putting the wrong story on it. This isn't a you can't trust anybody or yourself thing, even though it sucks. This is just the dance of two unavailable and insecure partners choosing each other. I have a feeling that it's happening because you're choosing people who are leaning anxious (or borderline) because they'll throw themselves in if they feel initial sparks, and the way you're attempting to build trust on your side is letting them prove they are very interested and won't leave you before you're willing to start investing. And what brings your walls down is when they start getting scared and pulling back a bit, because now you're attached since they've "proven" they have stuck around but pulling back or being erratic subconsciously stokes your own anxiety and longing. So basically, the way in which you're seeking proof of consistency is still out of fear and defense since you're reading it out of their anxious desire instead of mutual emotional stability, trust, and building a foundation, because as you've admitted, you're being inconsistent with them during this period until they get scared. So your own inconsistency will be unappealing to someone emotionally stable enough to not flip the switch on you later, and those sticking around are either going to get overwhelmed about your inconsistency and get scared enough to run cold in protest or they are FA / BPD themselves and will have switched off (and maybe on and off) at some other point regardless of what you did or didn't do.

Does this scenario sound plausible? If you keep going through it this way, you'll still attract and keep around the partners who are going to end up in this inconsistent dynamic with you. And you getting comfortable just before the flip means you actually ARE aware (I know exactly how hypersensitive to small changes in others and their moods AP and FA can be!), but it's not on a conscious level. So it's not that you can't trust yourself... it's about bringing that out to be conscious so you have the information earlier, plus about learning how to really assess if the other person will be emotionally healthy enough to attach to more securely than you've experienced in the past. Because if what I'm saying is happening, you simply haven't yet had it modeled for you how to tell if someone is capable of consistency. Which is why we're sharing our better experiences with you (better meaning our progressively better experiences relative to where we've been in the past, not better than you).

And this also means you rightfully may not be able to fully trust the people you've paired with in the past, since they've shown you you can't. But it doesn't apply to EVERYONE, it's still confirmation and selection bias. So I also understand how this all stokes your FA and fears, especially when you're feeling anxiously triggered and ruminating. But I want to challenge you to think it out instead of accepting that since you feel overwhelmed, it proves you shouldn't trust anyone including yourself, because that part of the emotions guiding you at those times isn't true.

I know you're extremely early in, but has your therapist discussed anything about mood disorders with you? I know someone also avoidant who has both things diagnosed and your triggered description a couple posts back sounded reminiscent of what that person has told me. But mood disorder is also a very broad term and I can't go very far with providing any other information on it.

Oh- and tiptoeing around someone else's nervous system- it's awful. You will get to the point eventually where you are regulated, and to be in chaos and uncertainty of someone's survival system or plain shenanigans won't be the trap that it is right now . I think you can trust that- there is a point to all the learning and it can take you to a better place. Just keep going with it.

One of the reasons I am so fu*ked on this occasion is because this situation is extraordinarily similar to the one that absolutely broke me where I was cheated on and given the STD.

I was in a serious mess after that psychologically. And I don't know if im feeling extremely mistrusting because of good experience giving me good insight. Or I'm simply projecting my fears onto the situation.

I got an STD test on Friday to see if it's physiologically a similar situation. Still awaiting results.

I can't tell if it's just FA fears or some part of me that knows I'm being taken advantage of again.

I can tell you one thing- I think we all have an experience that "scares us straight" so to speak. Mine was the narc. After that I was committed to my growth and nothing was ever the same. Even while I didn't have all the answers, I didn't operate the way I used to. No more casual sex, because of how unhealthy that was for me. My boundaries got much better, based on things I learned there. I started listening to myself a lot more, with more empathy for what was really going on inside of me instead of trying to shut it down or dismiss it. I found out how he got in and closed up those holes.

It was all part of a long process and it was awful but it takes what it takes, and we are only ready once we are ready. There are layers upon layers of things to work through but the people you meet on the way help more than you'd expect. And it heals a part of you to find those connections, even if fleeting. It was that way for me, at least.

Whatever her motive, she's got shit relationships skills so it's not something you can put your trust into- here may be where you learn to trust yourself by acknowledging it doesn't feel good because it isn't. I mean seriously- she flaked and broke up over text. So yeah, there's a red flag. Now you're just going to do some communicating and who knows what's next but you're not making anything up to say this is iffy.

I'm not saying she's Ms. Evil , out to get you but this isn't solid ground. The opportunity you have here is to represent yourself and walk it out and see what comes up, and how to respond. There isn't anything you can figure out except to listen to what's going on in yourself, o serve what's going on "out there" .and make conscious choices about what you want to do about it. Going through it all with awareness is huge even if it feels like a three ring shitshow.

Meh, don't worry about all that just yet. You're going to get it sorted. Have you been able to rest, eat, do the normal stuff?

Things I'v long denied are pouring out of me lately in floods of tears and rage.