Post by krolle on Oct 4, 2021 8:51:27 GMT
I'm feeling really devastated the last couple days.
I havent talked about it much on here, but after a couple years of not dating I had felt brave enough to start seeing a woman for the last few months. I wasn't really looking for anything, she pursued me for the most part.
Things were going really well. Not too many red flags that I remember and we waited a little to sleep together I was quiet standoffish at first.
Similar interests and starting to really get to know each other. gradually deepening the connection. Trying to incorporate what secure behaviours I know. I communicated openly and honestly, especially at times I felt triggered avoidant and fought my usual nature to withdraw out of self protection. I really emotionally opened up gradually and exposed myself to vulnerability, but in a way that seemed appropriate and never put any pressure on her.
The communication seemed mutually respectful and really engaging. And it seemed to be cooking along wonderfully. Making plans together for the next couple months and such. I told her I was really nervous about exposing myself to heartbreak again. She told me she was seeing me exclusively even though I didn't ask her to confirm that.
We had started sleeping together recently and it was wonderful, I really had to do some mental gymnastics to enjoy it due to depression anhedonia. But the company and intimacy, both physical and emotional has been such a great antidote to the overwhelming pit of depression and loneliness which I have dug myself into the last couple years. Being able to share myself where I am at and feel accepted and accept her and her own struggles with genuine compassion.
But the last few days I have noticed a shift which is all too familiar and exquisitely painful.
We just had a great last week and spent several days together. Talk of adventures we might go on in the next few weeks and opened up some more about our struggles. She invited me to a party to meet some of her family for the first time.
But since she left I have really noticed some very familiar and painful gut feelings that I can't shake. And my anxious side has kicked in. There has been a noticeable pattern shift to communicate less, and shorter less engaged text messages. longer response times etc. She has also told me that her family party I was invited to has been cancelled, which I'm sceptical about. I asked if she would like to do something else that evening instead then and she said she had already made plans to work.
I can't say for certain as I'm definately triggered anxious now. and it's only been a couple of days like this, so maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. But I'm just getting a very disconcerting sense of dejavu. I'm feeling the anxiety not just of this time, but the accumulation of past traumas where I dared to be vulnerable and right when things seemed to be going perfect then the train wreck came out of nowhere.
I feel myself digging deeper into my cynicism and mistrust. Every time I try come out of my shell and open up to connection it gets punished and I withdraw from life.
I can deal with somewhat expected break ups reasonably, but it's those sudden gut punches right when things seem to be going really well that I find absolutely debilitating. Especially after I have been so fed up for so long. It takes a massive concerted effort to come out of my shell and be vulnerable.
We had conversations about being hurt before and that even if things didn't work out between us in the long term we liked each other enough to treat each other with mutual respect and honesty. But I get the feeling that is going to go by the wayside with dissapointing inevitability and give way to selfishness on her part.
I'm quiet convinced of the cause in most of these cases of sudden pattern change. She and others like her before simply met someone else.
And they don't have the courage to face up to the guilt of suddenly becoming disinterested in someone they had spent a significant amount of time trying to garner connection with. So they choose for either ghosting or the 'ice out' policy. unilaterally deciding to be selfish and sweep the former person under the rug whilst trying to avoid any consequences to their actions. I am currently making the assumption that she has invited this (currently fictional) new guy to the party instead. And the cancellation spiel is just a convenient excuse.
So, I'm currently triggered hard anxious. Struggling to sleep and eat and go to work. My nervous system is in fear mode big time. Feels like my stomach is in my throat. I feel the need to pace round my home incessantly. Nauseous, drinking heavily to relax at the peak of the anxious feelings and ruminations with of course only short term relief.
The Insight I have into the whole process has only offered me the most insignificant of relief unfortunately. I am unable to work out modern relationships so the constant feeling of being off balance and just waiting for the train wreck without a clue when it's going to come is a big cause of my fearful avoidance. The sensation of being in a relationship is like sitting under the proverbial sword of Damocles. I know the pain is coming. But just not when, and it seems impossible to work out. I really tried to be vigilant for red flags this time. And not knowing is a very naturally anxiety producing situation in itself.
Even before meeting this woman I had been noticing some serious issues with my mental health which need adressing. It didnt take a rocket scientist to knkw I was depressed. But there has been some more noteworthy phenomenon as of late:
A feeling of vertigo when I lay down to sleep at night. as though the room is spinning. and then perhaps getting 2 or 3 hours of broken sleep on average per night.
extremely low energy levels. Feeling totally shattered walking up stairs.
Anhedonia. I can't remember enjoying anything for quiet a long time. Even things I used to. I also have little motivation to do anything.
Concentration... Non existent. I tried reading a book recently and after 12 failed attemps to absorb the information of a single paragraph gave up in frustration.
confusion and paranoia. I find myself not able to understand what people are saying to me quiet often. Even in groups of good friends I feel scared and confused lately. So have mostly withdrawn.
I havent talked about it much on here, but after a couple years of not dating I had felt brave enough to start seeing a woman for the last few months. I wasn't really looking for anything, she pursued me for the most part.
Things were going really well. Not too many red flags that I remember and we waited a little to sleep together I was quiet standoffish at first.
Similar interests and starting to really get to know each other. gradually deepening the connection. Trying to incorporate what secure behaviours I know. I communicated openly and honestly, especially at times I felt triggered avoidant and fought my usual nature to withdraw out of self protection. I really emotionally opened up gradually and exposed myself to vulnerability, but in a way that seemed appropriate and never put any pressure on her.
The communication seemed mutually respectful and really engaging. And it seemed to be cooking along wonderfully. Making plans together for the next couple months and such. I told her I was really nervous about exposing myself to heartbreak again. She told me she was seeing me exclusively even though I didn't ask her to confirm that.
We had started sleeping together recently and it was wonderful, I really had to do some mental gymnastics to enjoy it due to depression anhedonia. But the company and intimacy, both physical and emotional has been such a great antidote to the overwhelming pit of depression and loneliness which I have dug myself into the last couple years. Being able to share myself where I am at and feel accepted and accept her and her own struggles with genuine compassion.
But the last few days I have noticed a shift which is all too familiar and exquisitely painful.
We just had a great last week and spent several days together. Talk of adventures we might go on in the next few weeks and opened up some more about our struggles. She invited me to a party to meet some of her family for the first time.
But since she left I have really noticed some very familiar and painful gut feelings that I can't shake. And my anxious side has kicked in. There has been a noticeable pattern shift to communicate less, and shorter less engaged text messages. longer response times etc. She has also told me that her family party I was invited to has been cancelled, which I'm sceptical about. I asked if she would like to do something else that evening instead then and she said she had already made plans to work.
I can't say for certain as I'm definately triggered anxious now. and it's only been a couple of days like this, so maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. But I'm just getting a very disconcerting sense of dejavu. I'm feeling the anxiety not just of this time, but the accumulation of past traumas where I dared to be vulnerable and right when things seemed to be going perfect then the train wreck came out of nowhere.
I feel myself digging deeper into my cynicism and mistrust. Every time I try come out of my shell and open up to connection it gets punished and I withdraw from life.
I can deal with somewhat expected break ups reasonably, but it's those sudden gut punches right when things seem to be going really well that I find absolutely debilitating. Especially after I have been so fed up for so long. It takes a massive concerted effort to come out of my shell and be vulnerable.
We had conversations about being hurt before and that even if things didn't work out between us in the long term we liked each other enough to treat each other with mutual respect and honesty. But I get the feeling that is going to go by the wayside with dissapointing inevitability and give way to selfishness on her part.
I'm quiet convinced of the cause in most of these cases of sudden pattern change. She and others like her before simply met someone else.
And they don't have the courage to face up to the guilt of suddenly becoming disinterested in someone they had spent a significant amount of time trying to garner connection with. So they choose for either ghosting or the 'ice out' policy. unilaterally deciding to be selfish and sweep the former person under the rug whilst trying to avoid any consequences to their actions. I am currently making the assumption that she has invited this (currently fictional) new guy to the party instead. And the cancellation spiel is just a convenient excuse.
So, I'm currently triggered hard anxious. Struggling to sleep and eat and go to work. My nervous system is in fear mode big time. Feels like my stomach is in my throat. I feel the need to pace round my home incessantly. Nauseous, drinking heavily to relax at the peak of the anxious feelings and ruminations with of course only short term relief.
The Insight I have into the whole process has only offered me the most insignificant of relief unfortunately. I am unable to work out modern relationships so the constant feeling of being off balance and just waiting for the train wreck without a clue when it's going to come is a big cause of my fearful avoidance. The sensation of being in a relationship is like sitting under the proverbial sword of Damocles. I know the pain is coming. But just not when, and it seems impossible to work out. I really tried to be vigilant for red flags this time. And not knowing is a very naturally anxiety producing situation in itself.
Even before meeting this woman I had been noticing some serious issues with my mental health which need adressing. It didnt take a rocket scientist to knkw I was depressed. But there has been some more noteworthy phenomenon as of late:
A feeling of vertigo when I lay down to sleep at night. as though the room is spinning. and then perhaps getting 2 or 3 hours of broken sleep on average per night.
extremely low energy levels. Feeling totally shattered walking up stairs.
Anhedonia. I can't remember enjoying anything for quiet a long time. Even things I used to. I also have little motivation to do anything.
Concentration... Non existent. I tried reading a book recently and after 12 failed attemps to absorb the information of a single paragraph gave up in frustration.
confusion and paranoia. I find myself not able to understand what people are saying to me quiet often. Even in groups of good friends I feel scared and confused lately. So have mostly withdrawn.
