Here we go again.

krolle , in response to the sense of genetic shame, unworthiness. I think it is a problem with humans from the dawn of time- there are ancient accounts of people behaving in ways that indicate a lack of self love, self respect, belonging, etc. There is current research looking into the genetic inheritance of trauma, as well. From what you've described, not only did your mother lack healthy self love, she was unable to model it for you and likely was unable to cultivate that in her child. Its through the gentle attunement and consistent love and nurture that we develop that healthy sense of self in relation to others- when we are infants or when we figure out how to do that later in life. I know for sure, my parents did not have a secure relationship with each other, with themselves, or in their families of origin. Listening to the family history, it's no wonder all of us came out dented and bruised. So I definitely relate to what you're describing, with less of a need to find validation outwardly but that's the nuance of attachment insecurity- I apparently gave that up for the most part before I entered into romantic relationships. Not that it's never been there- the need for validation, jts more like I've been resigned to not receiving it and suffering silently and self soothing. But all my life I had a sense of being somehow existentially unimportant, unfortunate in my existence, and as though there was no place for me so I truly was making myself content to be my odd self, alone. Would try a thing or two in the relationship arena and find out it hurt more than it helped, and had given up on that pretty much as well- but in a contemplative way, feeling that singledom has gifts and important life lessons with it as well- but then I met my boyfriend by happenstance.

At the time we met, I was actively engaged in taking good care of myself- psychologically, emotional/spiritually, physically... I was reconciled to myself with a lot of self awareness by that time. So I experienced what many have- when you aren't looking the right one shows up. I could see it making sense that I attracted someone who could care for me well, as I could care for me well and therefore could also provide good care to someone else. Not perfectly by any means- We have both had a LOT of growth together but we were both in that kind of mindset when we met so it is natural to continue that, even though it was very rough at times.

What I'm saying is that it really is a life-long process, things coming bit by bit and in necessary phases. The whole thing is dependent upon your own openness, and commitment to keep trying (by asking for help, receiving new information, trying new things, learning how to receive care and support, learning how to give it, basically re-parenting yourself is what it comes down to.)  Paying attention to the automatic thoughts and questioning them, challenging the old beliefs and in some cases juat outright rejecting lies we have been told and told ourselves.

I'm happy to be here to support you and I'm glad you can feel that care. We are both sailors now after all, haha! From what I've seen sailors really look after each other!
But seriously- I do admire your character even as you sort out things you aren't proud of. You are just like the rest of the human race- flawed in some ways, great in others, and in need of a place to belong and be a part of loving relationships and community, in spite of any flaws you have. We all have them and if we are aware we work on them, lots of us do that together. From what I've seen in my mentors, it continues to go on late into life until the day we die- we are looking for progress and not perfection. And worthy all the while. It's just the human experience to go through this stuff and try to refine it, better than our parents could. That's how I see it anyway, and I see it all benefitting my children, their children.

Thankyou for all that information. It's a lot and I want to give it some attention to process.

In the mean time I figure I'd update you on the latest pantomime gossip lol. I can't view my love life in any way other than comic relief at the moment.

So I get a call from Lady #2 fairly late on in the evening asking what I'm up to, and if I'd like to come over to hang out. Bear in mind it has been discussed clearly I'm still getting over a break up and not really available for anything romantic. I used the exact words "I'm pretty fragile atm and I'd like to explore a friendship" I believe.

We end up falling asleep watching a movie on the sofa. Around 2am I get woken up asking if I want to come to bed. I'm like sure, that'll be a more comfy place to sleep....How naiive of me. Shortly after laying down I am... backed into.. shall we say and there's some definate grinding action going on. At first I'm not sure what to do and then say something along the lines of "I'm not sure this is a good idea, you're looking for a relationship and I'm still really smarting from my recent break up. She tells me it's just sex. And it's a bit awkward. Were so tired by that point we still just fall asleep.

Come the morning she's like a different person. And seems to just want rid of me. So I wish her well and leave. It's almost like she's repulsed by me now or something.

At this point I'm utterly confused about how to act and communicate with women. I thought I was being a good guy by not using her for sex, as I know she has expressed she's not looking for hook ups anymore. And I surpressed my own desires to try accomodate what she told me she wanted. The biggest part of me says I should have just had lots of sex with her like I used to and forgotten the ethical bullshit. Got knows I could have used the feel good after the past month.

I laugh heartily on the drive home at the absurdity of my love life. And just how childlike I am about reading peoples intentions.

It IS confusing krolle. Almost feels at times like a land mine out in the dating world which is why I am taking a prolonged break from it.  I have a very similar experience when thinking about men….men seem strait forward…they will tell me they are easy to read…but nope….not so much….not the ones I attract and am attracted to.  

Someday you'll have the real thing Krolle, you've actually come a very far way even though it doesn't feel so at the moment. And a sexual relationship is so much better when there is true intimacy, consistency, security. It's like coming home, not like getting kicked out. Hang in there, better times are coming, you've got some next steps to take and this will pass, eventually. Hang tight.

That sounds like a lovely situation!

I'm curious to know if there are anxious/fa members here who experienced the rumination trap post-breakup and were able to get out of it sooner rather than later. I know some have taken years and even after years still return to rumination about the same ex. If anyone was able to resolve the breakup rumination and move on more securely, what worked for you? I understand it's a process over time, and over subsequent relationships, but what are the keys to success? alexandra and @shiningstar have accomplished secure, maybe they will share some experience on the rumination piece?

My experience with working toward secure involves different challenges so I don't know how to support the rumination well.

Oh, that's Great! Thanks for sharing that.  and that's great insight.  Ive also been able to distinguish the Attachment Lies from reality in my process.  And I've practiced daily the things that are recommended to over come the conditioning. It really works.  It does take active openness and commitment.  Which is exactly what a relationship requires- there are always things to learn and grow around in a relationship that involve questioning the automatic , reactive ways of thinking and being  and moving into the conscious ways of thinking and being.