Very interesting topic
krolle .
Apparently, one could say that there are co-morbidities. FA will not come alone. Maybe i read that here. It struck me.
Now, it's true that it's tempting to call somebody that has hurt you Borderline or Bipolar, or "narc". Maybe because, when it comes to somebody you loved, you cannot imagine that that person could hurt you so bad except if there is something deeply wrong with them.
But still, if i can speak about my experience with my ex-ex (the one i suspect of having some kind of personality disorder, possibily covert npd), i first thought she was FA because the breakup blindsided me. And there was a phase of lovebombing, which i mistook for her being VERY anxious. But let me list the red flags i totally slipped under the rug at the time, and that i ended up remembering later on, as i was trying to find closure (because she never gave it to me - opposite of what Ir., my last ex just did, in the most humane way) :
-the way she behaved/talked about ALL her exes. First, she almost bragged to me, one day that nobody EVER left her, she was always the one calling the shots, and leaving her partners. That's weird, imo. Weird that she was never left, and weird to brag about it.
-she totally ran a smear campaign against her ex, i spoke about it here. The guy was less than human, an absolute loser with the IQ of a woodstick, that's how he was described to me. He's the guy she got back to, and he is now, unless i'm wrong her willing slave. Her smear campaign about him went to the point that she ALMOST said to me he was abusive. ALMOST, she never said what when, she just insinuated. And in a way that i could'nt ask to know more. So it remained all very vague. She was horrible with him, treating him like a dog when he was trying to mend the pieces, same way she was with me after the breakup, although i disappeared pretty quickly, whereas he stuck around, and that's why he got her back, he was easy meat (from what i could gather, npds, if they can keep their exes around, will do that to make sure they're never alone. Her r-ships have always overlapped.
-she ghosted me . The only time i got weak and sent a friendly message, 2 months after the breakup she didn't even respond. 2 weeks later, she found a way of indirectly reaching out, through friends, in the most manipulative way, but i was through, so i didnt do anything, then she found another way of provoking me indirectly (through a friend of mine, who is a photograph, but it's too complicated to explain. I also totally ignored it. Her not answering to me cured me instantly of any thought that this person had a soul. I know that exes are exes, and they don't owe you anything, but i'm still a human being. I did not stalk her, or harrass her. I have not been abusive. The breakup was "amicable". And it was just one friendly message. You can always find a way of answering "yeah i"m fine, the weather is beautiful" sort of way, so that the dumpee gets that this is not to be done too often, but ignoring somebody ? it's the worst you can do after you had sthg intimate with someboy, except if the partner was abusive of course.
-as we had a discussion one day about the way our story began, i dared say that i managed to seduce her, she got angry, saying she is not a thing that i can dispose of. It sounds perfectly normal to say that, it's a feminist approach, and i totally respect that, but it's the way she seemed totally revulsed by this idea of being helpless. She had to be in control.
-She had to be the 1st in everything. One day, we were playing some game with friends, she got so caught up in the game, it was creepy, she had to win, there was no other way. And she did of course, as everybody was rather laid back, except her.
-she was very controlling, but in a very subtle way. And in the end, she always managed to get what she wanted. And this side of her became more and more present. The last thing we did together was go on the seaside. The day before this trip i explicitely said i didn't want to go as far as Xtown. So we found a beach, but once there, as we could see Xtown from afar, she insisted so much that i finally took her to Xtown. It was like a game, she wanted the thing that i said i wouldn't allow (it's just an example). She wanted to break me. That's how it felt, i mean, she wanted to bend my will.
- now the money thing. She always managed to let me pay for things, it's crazy and i even remember that at the beginning of our r-ship, i paid for a trip by train, and i dared ask for the money back. She got angry. She said "you must be joking". It puzzled me, but i slipped it under the rug, like a fool. I'm sure she did the same with her exes. For instance, there was one ex, whom she went with to ICeland for his b-day. She explained to me that she set an online money pot that her ex's friends could donate, and once they did, she paid for the rest so that she could go too. So basically, her gift to him was her buying herself a cheap ticket to iceland.
-entitlement. She cheated on another ex, he found out and SHE left him, then he got himself another gf a few weeks later. She said to me that she thought "he quickly bounced back", in a very judgemental tone. i was like "but you cheated on him". So yeah, a lot of double standards going on.
-one day, speaking about that other ex, she was explaining that his new gf was crazy (lol), making this and this and that and she told me "it says a lot about what he can endure in a r-ship". Omg, she said that. And she said the exact same thing about me when i told her about a bpd date i had. That it was showing that "i could take a lot in r-ships. In the moment, i thought she was empathetic, but not anymore.
Well anyway, this is endless. Somebody here said "well you dodged a bullet with this one". I very often think about that. And i really think so yes, i definitely dodged a bullet. That girl is fake. She is a mirage. i could go on, but i'm gonna tire you up.
I really never encountered something like that in 26 yeard of dating, lucky me (and i've had two r-ships with bpds). The r-ship lasted 5 months, and it ended as soon as i began to set boundaries. Setting boundaries was the death sentence of her "love" to me. The minute i said well i won't have that (silent treatment, as an AP, it's unbearable for me), she bailed. It lasted 10 days or so after that. But she was already looking elsewhere towards somebody that would'nt dare get in the way.
And it's this cluster of various way of behaving in the r-ship that makes me think there is something deeply wrong with her. And of course, this is just my opinion, but it really looks like what they call npd. I say covert because she is also rather shy, almost defensive.
