Post by findingnona on Nov 5, 2021 2:15:15 GMT
Hi everyone,
Long-time lurker here. Tonight I had to extricate myself out of a very difficult situation with an ex who I believe to be an FA (I am AP leaning Secure). I was in a relationship with this lovely guy for just a few short months, 4 to be exact. I felt it was progressing fine but things changed after I requested more commitment from him. We were already exclusive on all accounts, so I’ve often regretted being so demanding about a title. But even with this he assured me we would have this conversation and make the decision together. This indicated to me that we would become a couple. Our relationship was passionate, respectful and he was responsive and present throughout.
Here’s where the trouble begins. Much to my surprise, we break up as he decides he can’t make that commitment. That I deserve better, he’s not a good person and he’s wasting my time. He doesn’t want to prevent me from finding “Mr. Right.” I’m ashamed to admit that my AP protest behavior was in full force. I appreciate he never shamed me but he did eventually block me. As I continued fighting for the relationship he began shutting down. After our last major blow out, he blocked me.
For the past two years since the break up, he’s unblocked me on and off. The first unblocking event felt like it would lead to a reconciliation. At the time he was traveling and he would let me know when we could meet upon his return. He returns and begins avoiding the topic, but after enough insistence he says it’s not a good idea, not healthy for me, and he’s wasting my time.
For two years, he’s just been periodically unblocking me. Checking in, reminiscing about the relationship but refusing to meet. Gone is the reassuring guy I loved and dated. He’s telling me to move on and wants me to find someone amazing. If I press for more conversation about reconciling he begins ignoring me, states we shouldn’t talk, gives me the silent treatment and then blocks me. This is probably the 6th or 7th cycle we’re on. As we’re both active on OLD he’s also swiped right on me a few times, where he still doesn’t engage with me or respond when I message him there.
It’s very, very difficult enduring this. When pressed he says he has no feelings for me and there’s nothing unresolved but this behavior of blocking and unblocking keeps happening, along with the silent treatments I truly feel it’s abusive. This person used to be so affectionate and so reassuring when I first asked to define our relationship, even after breaking it off he stated I did the right thing and that it indeed was time to make the decision. Today I blocked him as I was getting no responses to my messages even while distressed. I’ve tried to communicate with him in numerous ways, trying to be mindful of his emotional state as I could never imagine someone could repeat this behavior intentionally. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and it was too painful to see someone being online purposefully ignoring me without even a simple explanation of I need time or this is too emotional.
My question therefore is this: is this normal deactivation for an FA? Is two year long deactivation even possible? I do not think he is personality disordered; there was no love bombing or anything unusual during our courtship. We’re also both 32. Any insight would be appreciated! Especially on how to maintain my distance and not run back in hope of concrete answers from him.
Much love
Nona
Long-time lurker here. Tonight I had to extricate myself out of a very difficult situation with an ex who I believe to be an FA (I am AP leaning Secure). I was in a relationship with this lovely guy for just a few short months, 4 to be exact. I felt it was progressing fine but things changed after I requested more commitment from him. We were already exclusive on all accounts, so I’ve often regretted being so demanding about a title. But even with this he assured me we would have this conversation and make the decision together. This indicated to me that we would become a couple. Our relationship was passionate, respectful and he was responsive and present throughout.
Here’s where the trouble begins. Much to my surprise, we break up as he decides he can’t make that commitment. That I deserve better, he’s not a good person and he’s wasting my time. He doesn’t want to prevent me from finding “Mr. Right.” I’m ashamed to admit that my AP protest behavior was in full force. I appreciate he never shamed me but he did eventually block me. As I continued fighting for the relationship he began shutting down. After our last major blow out, he blocked me.
For the past two years since the break up, he’s unblocked me on and off. The first unblocking event felt like it would lead to a reconciliation. At the time he was traveling and he would let me know when we could meet upon his return. He returns and begins avoiding the topic, but after enough insistence he says it’s not a good idea, not healthy for me, and he’s wasting my time.
For two years, he’s just been periodically unblocking me. Checking in, reminiscing about the relationship but refusing to meet. Gone is the reassuring guy I loved and dated. He’s telling me to move on and wants me to find someone amazing. If I press for more conversation about reconciling he begins ignoring me, states we shouldn’t talk, gives me the silent treatment and then blocks me. This is probably the 6th or 7th cycle we’re on. As we’re both active on OLD he’s also swiped right on me a few times, where he still doesn’t engage with me or respond when I message him there.
It’s very, very difficult enduring this. When pressed he says he has no feelings for me and there’s nothing unresolved but this behavior of blocking and unblocking keeps happening, along with the silent treatments I truly feel it’s abusive. This person used to be so affectionate and so reassuring when I first asked to define our relationship, even after breaking it off he stated I did the right thing and that it indeed was time to make the decision. Today I blocked him as I was getting no responses to my messages even while distressed. I’ve tried to communicate with him in numerous ways, trying to be mindful of his emotional state as I could never imagine someone could repeat this behavior intentionally. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and it was too painful to see someone being online purposefully ignoring me without even a simple explanation of I need time or this is too emotional.
My question therefore is this: is this normal deactivation for an FA? Is two year long deactivation even possible? I do not think he is personality disordered; there was no love bombing or anything unusual during our courtship. We’re also both 32. Any insight would be appreciated! Especially on how to maintain my distance and not run back in hope of concrete answers from him.
Much love
Nona