Post by stitchfull on Nov 18, 2021 19:46:17 GMT
Hi, I just found this forum yesterday and spent all night relating to everything that's been said about FA Exes.
In short, my FA ex and I broke up a a week ago following many arguments which were never aggressive but brought me a lot of anxiety. I'd heard of attachment styles prior to this forum but I'd never realised how much it plays its role in how couples relate to each other (very dumb I know). But, having read and listened to YouTube videos over and over again it's all now making sense.
I took the attachment style test recently and it told me that I was largely secure with secondary anxious tendencies. But, the FA Ex's behaviour made me into a ball of anxiety and behave as though my attachment style was an anxious one.
We met online during the pandemic and thus our first few months of getting to know each other was basically all online contact. He was very communicative, spoke openly of deep topics and we clearly made each other known that we were attracted to each other. Although in hindsight, there were various red flags, e.g. commitment issues, not disclosing much info on his job, how dating was difficult as women often wanted to know where things were going from early stages of a relationship (despite both us being 40). But, we became very dependent on each other during these tough times. I did have my doubts of how we'd be once we met things wouldn't feel as good as it did and he assured me that we'd be there for each other.
My fears did come true when we came out of lockdown when I'd be the one pursuing all actual meetups and he didn't seem to be very excited to see me when we did hang out. We had a few difficult conversations, after which he came round to the idea of being in a meaningful relationship.
We went through an argument free period where he would initiate dates but rarely did he allow me to be part of his life. I met a few of his friends and his family once but in the year we've been together, this only happened a few times largely from me pushing the agenda. He continued to be very attentive on online communication, asking how I was and sending sweet messages. But in my head, the way he'd act in person contradicted all the sweet messages, this list could be very long but:
- he'd not allow me into his life
- we'd only meet up on set dates and we barely did any future planning, he'd talk of holidays and plans he was going to do which never involved me
- in the early days, he'd never spend the night over due to issues he had with sleeping with someone else in the bed
- rarely make any sweet gestures to make me think he prioritised me in his life or thought of me when we were apart
The list goes on. But in short, he considered himself as a very independent person.
The frustrating part of all this is that I made myself very clear that these were things I needed in a relationship and he'd agree to act on them but they never materialised.
Towards the end, I was pushing him away because of him not meeting my needs and picked on small things which I had never done in more secure relationships. But, I didn't have the courage to break up with him and he'd always try to prevent us from breaking up. Due to my discontent, I ended up depriving him of what he needed in a relationship and stopped appreciating the things he was doing.
Because of all this, in the end he pulled the plug. It left me distraught, blaming myself for not showing him appreciation for what he did give me and not being able to meet his needs. I've spent the last week going back and forth, blaming myself for the failure of this relationship although when I can think rationally, I know I was not in a happy relationship as for reasons mentioned above. When we were not arguing, I did feel a connection and that we did have strong feelings for each other and the chemistry was there.
It's so difficult to not feel betrayed as now I know what I needed to do in the relationship but it's now over. And, I am trying to move on and keep busy but I miss him...
I appreciate any encouragement and sympathies...I've self-diagnosed him as an FA but would you guys agree?
In short, my FA ex and I broke up a a week ago following many arguments which were never aggressive but brought me a lot of anxiety. I'd heard of attachment styles prior to this forum but I'd never realised how much it plays its role in how couples relate to each other (very dumb I know). But, having read and listened to YouTube videos over and over again it's all now making sense.
I took the attachment style test recently and it told me that I was largely secure with secondary anxious tendencies. But, the FA Ex's behaviour made me into a ball of anxiety and behave as though my attachment style was an anxious one.
We met online during the pandemic and thus our first few months of getting to know each other was basically all online contact. He was very communicative, spoke openly of deep topics and we clearly made each other known that we were attracted to each other. Although in hindsight, there were various red flags, e.g. commitment issues, not disclosing much info on his job, how dating was difficult as women often wanted to know where things were going from early stages of a relationship (despite both us being 40). But, we became very dependent on each other during these tough times. I did have my doubts of how we'd be once we met things wouldn't feel as good as it did and he assured me that we'd be there for each other.
My fears did come true when we came out of lockdown when I'd be the one pursuing all actual meetups and he didn't seem to be very excited to see me when we did hang out. We had a few difficult conversations, after which he came round to the idea of being in a meaningful relationship.
We went through an argument free period where he would initiate dates but rarely did he allow me to be part of his life. I met a few of his friends and his family once but in the year we've been together, this only happened a few times largely from me pushing the agenda. He continued to be very attentive on online communication, asking how I was and sending sweet messages. But in my head, the way he'd act in person contradicted all the sweet messages, this list could be very long but:
- he'd not allow me into his life
- we'd only meet up on set dates and we barely did any future planning, he'd talk of holidays and plans he was going to do which never involved me
- in the early days, he'd never spend the night over due to issues he had with sleeping with someone else in the bed
- rarely make any sweet gestures to make me think he prioritised me in his life or thought of me when we were apart
The list goes on. But in short, he considered himself as a very independent person.
The frustrating part of all this is that I made myself very clear that these were things I needed in a relationship and he'd agree to act on them but they never materialised.
Towards the end, I was pushing him away because of him not meeting my needs and picked on small things which I had never done in more secure relationships. But, I didn't have the courage to break up with him and he'd always try to prevent us from breaking up. Due to my discontent, I ended up depriving him of what he needed in a relationship and stopped appreciating the things he was doing.
Because of all this, in the end he pulled the plug. It left me distraught, blaming myself for not showing him appreciation for what he did give me and not being able to meet his needs. I've spent the last week going back and forth, blaming myself for the failure of this relationship although when I can think rationally, I know I was not in a happy relationship as for reasons mentioned above. When we were not arguing, I did feel a connection and that we did have strong feelings for each other and the chemistry was there.
It's so difficult to not feel betrayed as now I know what I needed to do in the relationship but it's now over. And, I am trying to move on and keep busy but I miss him...
I appreciate any encouragement and sympathies...I've self-diagnosed him as an FA but would you guys agree?