is he FA? broken hearted ap/fa very confused

Yes, I would say very FA. But I'm not an expert. I just know the behavior, Strong desire to connect, lots of physical intimacy, then fear kicks in and ....Gone. Then fear of abandonment kicks in shortly and then tries to reconnect, then once again connected.......rince repeat. As FA's we are stuck in a perpetual balancing act to maintain a safe emotional distance. Too close and you are a threat, too far and we fear losing you. 

You are right, the reasons he gives probably have some validity, but they are excuses none the less, and just a cover up for his fear of true intimacy and commitment. If he gave you reasons for the break up that you could work on he wouldn't have an excuse to leave, which is what he wants to get away from his fear without facing guilt and shame (our kryptonite). Leaving you to take the emotional brunt of things.

I cannot say for certain if you are doing the right thing by going no contact, Though I'm pretty good at regurgitating what I'm told is healthy, I don't yet believe it. So once again I will let others who are more secure than me chime in on this. You use no contact by the sounds of it the same way I do, at least initially, to restore a sense of control when it has been taken away from us. If you have few other options then at least choosing to go no contact feels like like you are getting some control back over the situation. Which someone else will no doubt tell you is not the correct way to use no contact. The same about your desire to get an internet coach, it's a desire to restore control. Which is a fair thing to want in opinion, but certainly not healthy in the long run.

I completely understand the desire to "make someone see they miss you" though, its very hard not to want to do this. The opposite of fear is generally a sense of control in my opinion so that's what your brain is craving.

In terms of love then I would say that you don't really know what love is, neither do I, at least not fully. What we experience as love is really addiction........At least that's what I'm told.

I know you want me to give you answers, knowledge is power, power is control, control helps reduce fear. I wish I could give you the answers you need to feel better. You will find a little relief by talking on the forum I'm sure.

He does sound FA, but remember, it takes two to tango. What is it about your attachment that causes you to take part in the push/pull? While you can’t change him, you can change your response to him.

my attachment is a mixture according to a test i took 24% secure 32% fearful and 44% ap  something along those lines, but the first 3 times didnt really feel like a break up as he would say he couldnt be with me but hours later calling me my pet name and he would be upset so we would just carry on as normal, and because of my feelings for him and i know how much i love and care about him because he is depressed and very quiet good morals etc he is exactly what i want in a guy (besides him breaking up)  
but he has had 2 really bad r/ships where he got burnt i think that hurt him
and also i see how hurt he is when he breaks up with me hes in pain 

I'm curious, what kind of support are you looking for here on the forum? Are you hoping someone here can help you get through to him so you can fix the relationship?

Hi pynkbby. Based on the attachment assessment you took for yourself, those results indicate you are FA as well and generally lean anxiously (as opposed to an avoidant-leaning FA). That would help explain why you've attached so deeply to this man specifically, because FA often pair off with other FA, and if the FA partner is more avoidant then it becomes an intoxicating cycle of mutual connection and intensity followed by push-pull merry-go-round roller coaster cycles. This is due to a mutual lack of emotional security and the other person seeming to understand and fill in the gaps because they have the same exact "missing" pieces they're trying to fill in and similar struggles. But there will never be stability because both of you are looking for another person to complete something that first needs to be strengthened from within.

This forum will appreciate and empathize with your pain, as most of us have been there in some form or another. You are not alone in that at all. It is deeply painful and challenging and overwhelming. It is also coming from much earlier life issues that have been both triggered by and projected onto your ex. So this forum is not a "tips to get your ex back" back community, it is how to turn the painful focus towards yourself to introspect and begin to heal by moving forward, eventually hopefully gaining some more security along the way.

You can do one of two things with the pain you're feeling. Obviously, the goal is to do whatever you can to stop feeling the anxiety and overwhelm you're currently going through, stop feeling pain. You've been trying the first option, which is going back to him to bandaid the anxiety and pause it until he leaves again and again. Which leaves you in a depressing yet addictive cycle where you've actually become addicted to these ups and downs. The other option, which will not sound good to you right now because you're so overwhelmed but is the only sustainable way to overcome your pain, is to seek help to learn healthier new tools to deal with your overwhelm than an FA (or any insecure attacher) is initially equipped with.

This is the only real way out of your pain. As krolle mentioned, I was AP (not FA, but dated enough and learned enough about attachment theory to have a good understanding of how it works), and I only dated DA and FA for about 20 years. It was ridiculously painful, and I banged my head against the wall ruminating, pining, living with constant stress, and always choosing unavailable boyfriends over and over and over. I did manage to "win back" a long-term FA ex I was stuck in the cycle with while I was also earning secure. And from that I learned that: 1. connecting and re-connecting repeatedly is not a sign of true love and needing each other, it is a mutual lack of stability, communication skills, compatibility, and mature relationship skills, and is generally a result of shared trauma. 2. Unless both people are incredibly self-motivated to earn secure for themselves, regardless of the partner, and are doing so at the same time and speed (becoming aware, individually and earnest are committed to going to their own therapy, etc), then nothing will change and the insecure dynamic will continue without change. So you'll always have what you have right now, which is break up/get back together pain until the more avoidant FA meets a new partner even more avoidant than them and shifts into the anxiety role and pursues someone else (while occasionally dropping bread crumbs to get validation and attention from you when needed). 3. This is very toxic and you deserve so much better, but you don't believe you do which is why you stay in it. The reason you are picky in your relationships is because FA don't trust self or others, so they avoid attaching because it's so painful until someone triggers all their wounds in an anxious way that appears to overcome the fear temporarily -- but this never works in a way that isn't an unstable roller coaster.

This is a lot of information, I know, and doesn't tell you how to "win back an FA." But that's because, in your current situation, there is no winning. He fell into a relationship with you because in his mind you were just unavailable and inappropriate enough a partner to make you "safe." In his mind, due to the age difference, he'd never fully have to commit and could always have one foot in and one foot out. It's not about you, which is why you feel all his distress. The feelings and distress are real. But he entered and set up the situation with a built in distance, and that may not have been a conscious decision but it was also no accident. It's no accident that you've chosen someone who is unavailable, too.

Watch the free Thais Gibson material about FA and about AP attachment styles, but try to see what you relate to on your side, and don't watch it with a focus on him and figuring him out. The power of attachment theory to heal pain is how it identifies where in your own life you got stuck, what caused your own insecure attachment style, which has stunted your ability to emotionally process pain and harms your ability to have healthy adult romantic relationships. And then provides a blueprint, which a therapist can help you with, for how to heal, how to stop abandoning yourself, how to stop fearing abandonment, how to trust others (who are deserving of it) and yourself, and how to start choosing emotionally available and committed partners.

Having been through it all and gotten past it (whereas my avoidant exes have not and get stuck the same over and over with other women), there can be healing and something better on the horizon, but it starts with complete focus on yourself (which is painful when you've got trauma to overcome that you usually outsource and project onto your partners needing to make you whole) and pausing the rumination about someone outside of yourself.

I am so sorry you are going through this….try to remember this is about him…not about you.  The fact that he felt the need to share this with you shows that he lacks an understanding as to how much you are hurting.  He probably views you as a friend and there is obviously a mismatch in where you each see the other person.  My suggestion is to block him so that you can take care of you.  There are plenty of single men out there….and certainly ones who will be more caring towards you then this guy has been.  

i do feel angry in some way aswell as sad, i feel used aswell, i havnt cried tho which is really not like me so im worried that its not hitting me yet, or that im so in shock im not processing it properly
was i right to not answer?
i dont want to be all like, thank you for telling me i wish u the best, cuz then he will just think phew shes ok thats good
nor do i want to give him a fucking hell that was quick so much for your morals i obviously meant fuck all to you then didnt i you lying piece of shit
i didnt know what to say and instead of replying straightaway when he sucker punches me (and im emotional) after not talking to him for 2 weeks i actually took time out from replying to process if i even wanted to and i thought no cuz its such a shitty thing to be told esp that soon that i didnt even want to respond to it