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Post by pynkbby on Dec 7, 2021 11:11:45 GMT
i dont really have much of a support system, i have 1 friend who i talk to, and i just work take care of my kids and stay in most of the time, i dont have any hobbies at all and at the moment im so tired as i have not slept properly for weeks and weeks
i am feeling worthless i cant help help it and i feel i wasnt good enough and despite how well i treated him and how when we were in eachothers company it was so fun and so relaxed and loving and having him cry like a baby over us splitting up cuz he loves me so much to then find someone else 2 weeks later i worked out (it could have been even earlier for all i know) has made me feel like a nothing peice of shit
like i wasnt even worth being upset about, he had a relationship 5 years ago and she treated him horribly and it took him a fairly long time to get over that (like a year), he loved a girl a year and a half ago but she had a boyfriend and it took him 7/8 months to get over that
i treat him the best he said he has ever been treated and he said he really was in love with me hence the always coming back after he would break up with me within hours or days and hes over me in 2 weeks??
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Post by mrob on Dec 7, 2021 15:02:13 GMT
i]i treat him the best he said he has ever been treated and he said he really was in love with me hence the always coming back after he would break up with me within hours or days and hes over me in 2 weeks?? That’s the attachment talking. Go away, come back, too close, too far. Miss you, engulfment, pining, revulsion. A never ending circle. Glad you’re here where the truth is spoken. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 7, 2021 19:37:26 GMT
i dont really have much of a support system, i have 1 friend who i talk to, and i just work take care of my kids and stay in most of the time, i dont have any hobbies at all and at the moment im so tired as i have not slept properly for weeks and weeks i am feeling worthless i cant help help it So the good news here is I think you've pinpointed your problem. If you have nothing to do but work and be a mother, then your own sense of value and self esteem will be tied up in nothing but these things and in romantic relationships if you're dating someone. All of these are external to you and depend on others. You gave your ex the ability to define a big part of your identity, and since he's emotionally unhealthy himself, well, you can see how that went. You need to find ways to fulfill yourself. Take the time you were giving dating him and thinking about him, and put it towards figuring out who YOU are in addition to mother and worker. This is a good topic to discuss with a therapist to help guide you. I can actually assure you that if you try to shift your focus to yourself in this way, you WILL start feeling some easing of your anxiety. It won't be immediately, and you'll still think about your ex, but the time you think about him will decrease if you devote more time to your own self care, which will create a new feedback cycle in your brain that self-propogates in a far more positive direction. But you need to make the decision to really want to and try to do that and stick to it for a couple months to see any impact. |
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Dec 8, 2021 12:33:01 GMT
like i wasnt even worth being upset about, he had a relationship 5 years ago and she treated him horribly and it took him a fairly long time to get over that (like a year), he loved a girl a year and a half ago but she had a boyfriend and it took him 7/8 months to get over that i treat him the best he said he has ever been treated and he said he really was in love with me hence the always coming back after he would break up with me within hours or days and hes over me in 2 weeks??
What a great example of insecurity. Avoidants (sometimes AP as well, so I think it's a common trait for all insecures) tends to be anxious with more avoidant or unavailable (married) person than they are. If we need to pursue, we feel "love". That probably comes from our childhood, when our caregiver's love wasn't constant and/or unconditional.
This knowledge can be helpful to understand that it isn't about you. It is your availability and kindness that made you less attractive to his nervous system.
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Post by pynkbby on Dec 8, 2021 14:31:53 GMT
when we first got together he told me after a couple of weeks that i needed to be careful when i eventually date other people as he didnt see me long term because i was a narcissists dream? ive never had anyone say that to me before nor have i heard anyone say anyone has said that to them, do u think he was just being nice, just came across as an odd thing to say
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Post by anne12 on Dec 8, 2021 15:01:30 GMT
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Post by pynkbby on Dec 8, 2021 18:19:00 GMT
i dont want to put the guy down because i love him and we were fantastic together but ive been looking at traits of dismissives and he had the odd thing, but not much as he was a bit empathetic and showed emotion and did open up to me albeit still distant at times, not wanting to talk but that could have been his depression aswell
i have seen that he has traits of quiet bpd which could also be confused with depression but he did have mood swings, also as he is very quiet and introverted, ive been looking at covert narcs aswell, he seems to have traits of both as quiet bpd suffers from depression and it says traits of both are called comorbid i think
i did see quite a few times how he would be really nice then would want to be left alone later that day
i remember crying because my co worker died, i phoned him straightaway he said do you want me to come over and be with you, he came over spent the night held me as i cried, then he had to work for a day then he came back to stay for 3 nights
on the 2nd day i was crying again cuz i cared alot about my co worker and he was sat on his laptop just laughing at stuff, he said are u crying i said yes im upset he has died and then u are going soon, i wasnt crying cuz he was going i meant that his support for me would be leaving sunday and i wouldnt have anyone there with me while i was sad and he flipped
he went really cold and walked out the room and packed his bag, it was like he was a different person he wouldnt let me hug him and said he was leaving and left, i phoned to say please come back ill take you home so he did and i was still upset
i was like my friend has died and im upset why are you being like this and he said ur crying cuz im leaving i cant have that, u call me baby to try and tie us together in a relationship etc
and i was in tears, i was like i call u that as its my term of affection for u and he calls me it too, but he was accusing me of these things making out i was wrong for saying these things, and i promise i have never ever once been nasty to him or raised my voice im not that sort of person
so he said are u taking me home or ill leave now and i took him home, but i couldnt believe this was the same man who was so supportive 2 hours b4,
on the way back its like something changed in him and he burst out crying so i stopped and he was holding me crying saying how sorry he was but that he just wanted to go home
i had alot of this i dont want to be with you i dont love u (he only said i dont love you once) to then a day or 2 later being really nice again and being really loving
i would really like opinions tho on why he said near the beginning that i was a narcs dream? it is a strange thing to say isnt it? or do you think he was looking out for me?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2021 2:45:06 GMT
i dont want to put the guy down because i love him and we were fantastic together but ive been looking at traits of dismissives and he had the odd thing but not much as he was a bit empathetic and showed emotion and did open up to me albeit still distant at times not wanting to talk but that could have been his depression aswell i have seen that he has traits of quiet bpd which could also be confused with depression but he did have mood swings, also as he is very quiet and introverted ive been looking at covert narcs aswell, he seems to have traits of both as quiet bpd suffers from depression and it says traits of both are called comorbid i think i did see quite a few times how he would be really nice then would want to be left alone later that day i remember crying because my co worker died and i phoned him straightaway he said do you want me to come over and be with you and he came over spent the night held me as i cried, then he had to work for a day then he came back to stay for 3 nights and on the 2nd day i was crying again cuz i cared alot about my co worker and he was sat on his laptop just laughing at stuff and he said are u crying i said yes im upset he has died and then u are going sunday, i wasnt crying cuz he was going i meant that his support for me would be leaving sunday and i wouldnt have anyone there with me while i was sad and he flipped he went really cold and walked out the room and packed his bag, it was like he was a different person he wouldnt let me hug him and said he was leaving and left, i phoned to say please come back ill take you home so he did and i was still upset i was like my friend has died and im upset why are you being like this and he said ur crying cuz im leaving i cant have that, u call me baby to try and tie us together in a relationship etc and i was in tears and i was like i call u that as its my term of affection for u and he calls me it too, but he was accusing me of these things making out i was wrong for saying these things and i promise i have never ever once been nasty to him or raised my voice im not that sort of person so he said are u taking me home or ill leave now and i took him home but i couldnt believe this was the same man who was so supportive 2 hours b4 on the way back its like something changed in him and he burst out crying so i stopped and he was holding me crying saying how sorry he was but that he just wanted to go home i had alot of this i dont want to be with you i dont love u (he only said i dont love you once) to then a day or 2 later being really nice again and being really loving i would really like opinions tho on why he said near the beginning that i was a narcs dream? it is a strange thing to say isnt it? or do you think he was looking out for me? This is difficult to read and it would be thoughtful toward people you are wishing to engage, to use some punctuation and steer away from run on sentences. Just a suggestion as I barely made it through and found myself skipping past the onslaught of words to see what your question was at the end. You seem to have very poor boundaries and the kind of permissive personality that would enable a narcissist to have his way with you, with no consequence. This is my perspective based on your accounts of his behavior and your idealization of him. He sounds like a narcissist to me, but I'm no expert and there are a few people who have sharper insight into that. Narcissists don't look out for Others. To me it sounds as if he was telling you frankly that you are gullible and easily manipulated while getting away with his terrible behavior and musing about that. He seems to play quite a few kind games with you. That may be one. Maybe he likes to see you perplexed. Some people use others as playthings and targets for their selfish and unkind behavior. It's difficult to tell from your posting here whether you are taking in and considering input. I don't know if my perspective is helpful or even accurate but it's my two cents since you've asked. Best of luck. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 9, 2021 3:59:34 GMT
i dont want to put the guy down because i love him and we were fantastic together but ive been looking at traits of dismissives and he had the odd thing but not much as he was a bit empathetic and showed emotion and did open up to me albeit still distant at times not wanting to talk but that could have been his depression aswell i have seen that he has traits of quiet bpd which could also be confused with depression but he did have mood swings, also as he is very quiet and introverted ive been looking at covert narcs aswell, he seems to have traits of both as quiet bpd suffers from depression and it says traits of both are called comorbid i think i did see quite a few times how he would be really nice then would want to be left alone later that day i remember crying because my co worker died and i phoned him straightaway he said do you want me to come over and be with you and he came over spent the night held me as i cried, then he had to work for a day then he came back to stay for 3 nights and on the 2nd day i was crying again cuz i cared alot about my co worker and he was sat on his laptop just laughing at stuff and he said are u crying i said yes im upset he has died and then u are going sunday, i wasnt crying cuz he was going i meant that his support for me would be leaving sunday and i wouldnt have anyone there with me while i was sad and he flipped he went really cold and walked out the room and packed his bag, it was like he was a different person he wouldnt let me hug him and said he was leaving and left, i phoned to say please come back ill take you home so he did and i was still upset i was like my friend has died and im upset why are you being like this and he said ur crying cuz im leaving i cant have that, u call me baby to try and tie us together in a relationship etc and i was in tears and i was like i call u that as its my term of affection for u and he calls me it too, but he was accusing me of these things making out i was wrong for saying these things and i promise i have never ever once been nasty to him or raised my voice im not that sort of person so he said are u taking me home or ill leave now and i took him home but i couldnt believe this was the same man who was so supportive 2 hours b4 on the way back its like something changed in him and he burst out crying so i stopped and he was holding me crying saying how sorry he was but that he just wanted to go home i had alot of this i dont want to be with you i dont love u (he only said i dont love you once) to then a day or 2 later being really nice again and being really loving i would really like opinions tho on why he said near the beginning that i was a narcs dream? it is a strange thing to say isnt it? or do you think he was looking out for me? I know you are processing through it all…..but I would highly recommend you find a therapist who specializes in attachment theory. Having been in your shoes with regards to a breakup, there is only so much I was able to get through the perspectives I read on here…in order to make real forward momentum I had to prioritize my mental health by talking things through with a therapist. Also….you won’t understand why he moved on so quickly because you do not think like him and you are trying to analyze his choices through how you would or would not do things. That is only going to frustrate you. As Alexandra and I and I am sure others have suggested…it is best if you block him so you can focus on your healing. |
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