A step forward with my mom

That's great that you are gaining another perspective with your mom. I've been in her shoes with young adult children, and accused of being uncaring or dismissive because I wasn't receptive to my daughter's venting.

It's not necessarily a lack of capacity due to some limitation on her part- it can be a real difference of perspective and personality traits. In other words, she isn't necessarily deficient. People do have different "needs" when it comes to approaching setbacks and difficulty. Some do ruminate and allow themselves to spiral beyond pragmatic solutions. Some, however, limit their engagement with a problem to actions which actually solve the problem, and move toward acceptance faster. For me, this comes from many years of experience raising kids and dealing with some enormous difficulty, and needing to press on in order to avoid further calamity and harm. Onward and upward is not a bad mantra. It's very empowering to some.

This has come up with my daughter, regarding her vehicle. I have quite a bit more life experience than her which has taught me, that what has happened has happened and I move toward the practical responses to it. Sure, I might have all kinds of feelings about it but I don't dwell on them, because it is a drain on my energy and prevents me moving forward. So in the case of a rental car being keyed, I would double check to see if I had sufficient insurance to cover the costs, if not, I would make a quick assessment of my finances to make sure I have a way to cover the costs, and then I would make my focus taking the practical steps to fulfill my obligations regarding the car because I know that it is my responsibility to do so.

My daughter, on the other hand, would tend to call me and want to narrate the entire series of events, and then vent about her feelings and throw something in there poking at how I figure into her hardship. She wouldn't consider what part of my day I was experiencing... perhaps going to work, maybe relaxing at the end of a busy day, or even addressing my own real life concerns. So, eventually I laid down a hard boundary because I had failed to express my boundaries and needs earlier on. Like you, she recognized that she had been overburdening me and not considering me, in her need to vent.

We've agreed that the venting is best shared with her friends, or other supports, or with me at a time that I am able to be present for her (not just any time she chooses). Also, that I am available to care about her and also provide practical advice and encouragement. I imagine that her friends don't experience being "part of the problem", the way that I did. Even without a direct accusation her tone can be "my suffering is because of you." It may be that without that emotional charge in there she has less to vent about, I don't know. Maybe she talks with her therapists about mom triggers, and I think that would be healthiest and most productive. Each and every one of us can say "I suffer because of my parents!" and I reminded her that I had difficult parents that I am healing from, too. In other words, I can relate and I'm doing my best in spite of childhood wounding, as well.

I've been very candid about my own healing process in my life and encouraged my children to find their own, and I'm available to talk deeply about their specific wounds. But to be on the receiving end of rumination and venting is something that doesn't seem to help either of us in the big picture.

Our relationship is good, and continues to grow as we both grow individually. It's really nice to see what can happen in spite of difficult beginnings even between mother and child.

tnr9 I am very sorry you are the target of her complaints. This is something I don't understand in a parent, and don't inflict on my children... but my mom used to do the same to me. I think it's very twisted coming from a parent actually, to tell her children that they were difficult. I mean, we were children! It hurts me as well. I am also HSP so can understand that my mom was overwhelmed by my overwhelm. But she let me know about it until the day she died, so I felt continually criticized and blamed for every negative relationship dynamic, until the day she died. I don't know why they do this but I suspect it's their own shadow.

My daughter is also HSP, and I can look back and see clearly how it impacted her as a child, and therefore impacted me. It's truly heartbreaking. But perhaps as HSP myself I have an extra awareness of that and so was sensitive about shaming her, even while unaware of HSP in myself I knew I was "different", On the other hand, my overwhelm as HSP and also as avoidant impacted my children negatively (and me as well!) so... it's all a tangle of stuff to sort out but we are healing very well as a family, it's humbling and also very inspiring to me.

It really sounds like your mother is very guarded in her ego, and cannot confront the feelings she has about her own challenges as a parent and still looks outward by blaming you. It's necessary to truly empathize with our children, which for me became possible through my own process of empathizing with my mother who also grew up in a lot of pain. I became able to see the big picture. So, whether she realizes it or not, she still suffers from her wounding, and if you recognize that it is enough for your own process (as we have no control over what healing others undertake, or not). And good boundaries are important as well. I made a boundary with my mom about the kinds of things she expressed to me, specifically about complaining about me, to me. I made it clear that I find the behavior unhealthy and related to her own unresolved feelings, and that I wish to move forward as an adult without being scapegoated by her. We had a contentious relationship but the more alive grown the more I realize that she just didn't make it as far as I have toward resolving these family issues, although I think she tried. I see my children doing much better than I did at their age with their awareness and mental/emotional health. So that's the best we can hope for- that we all progress beyond what our parents were able to do.

I went through a big process of freeing myself from shame handed to me by unaware parents. And I can see how al their lives they suffered the same from their parents. It's one of those generational things we all strive to overcome, but it didn't start with them. It goes wayyyyy back in my family. It's sad.

tnr9 is striking how similar our mother dynamics are. I also tried to switch the conversation and I realized that I was trying to protect her self esteem and avoid further attacks. I also wanted to prove to her that I'm not difficult. So I was in her dysfunctional manipulation... avoid taking responsibility for her own issues by scapegoating her child.

The process of disentangling from that dynamic was extremely messy. And, she did worse in her efforts to prove me the difficult one. It's very cringey how enmeshed I was without realizing it.... I was in the position of caretaking in our dynamic so she wouldn't have to face her own failings. And when I say this, I empathize with those failings!! But somehow I thought she was too fragile (in spite of the tough outer image) to face her own shortcomings. I was protective to my detriment. It didn't do her any favors either, to allow her to put herself in a one up position with her adult daughter. She always kept me in check, or tried to.

You have a right as an adult to create boundaries around how people speak to you, including your mom. I have NO other relationships where it would be ok for the other person to continually bring up the past and how unpleasant I was. None, and the idea is absurd. My father doesn't do this, but it's because he is humbled by his own growth process and has done the best he could to love a good life overcoming his own trauma. I see him as the stronger of the two.

My mom didn't change much in her life, but I sure did. And the growth I experienced by working through my own issues with her, both empathizing with her and setting healthy boundaries, was critical to my entire process. All of my adult relationships mirrored my relationship with her in one way or another- also with my dad. When I stopped being her scapegoat I stopped choosing malfunctioning men who also wished to scapegoat me, go figure. And I stopped scapegoating me by thinking I was just not meant to be loved, and that I didn't actually need to be loved. That whole thing kept me isolated and i'm unavailable relationships- my bar was very low when it came to what to ask for and want in a relationship. And of course my self esteem improved because I recognized I was just repeating family patterns, it wasn't something terribly wrong with me, it was just generations of pain playing out over and over. I'm over simplifying some things here but basically, coming out of that dysfunctional family trance was huge for me.