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Post by Hypatia on Dec 11, 2021 0:51:39 GMT
I can't stop thinking about this...probably because I simply have no outlet or way to express this pain. He, my FA ex, cut me off (of course) and we have been NC for almost 2 months. Any insight would be helpful...
We had a loving relationship for almost a year, had moved in together...and that's when it started to fall apart. We lived together for two months before he flipped...triggered by me mentioning that I do the majority of the housework (expressed kindly as I knew he was sensitive). He wouldn't speak to me for two days after this conversation, then the entire relationship quickly deteriorated. He became very cruel, lashing out, telling me things he was unhappy with (after saying how perfect I was/we were). In the end, I stayed at a hotel to get away from the meanness and he never asked where I was. When he broke our rental agreement we lost half of our deposit...I asked him to give me my half, since he broke the contract and I shouldn't be punished for it. Initially he agreed, then changed his mind, saying he wouldn't "pay penance" to me. He became so malicious...like I had cheated or lied or done something awful. I hadn't. Of course I am flawed and surely did some things he didn't like, but he never communicated problems to me.
Why, why was he so, so mean. Like, going out of his way to be cruel sort of meanness. I loved this man. I think he did love me at some point. Why the vicious attack? And no real explanation, definitely no apology. I'm working with a therapist now, which is helpful, but it's a painful wound...it burns. To have someone turn on you and ATTACK viciously, after planning a future together and saying they love you.
I'm unable to ask him. I realize FAs villainize the ex, but this seems extreme. I was his first gf in 13 years, so his first real adult relationship. He chased and pursued and really chased me and I felt a connection, vulnerability, love. At the end he let it slip in a conversation..."I'm fucking everything up"...about himself, like he knew what he was doing but couldn't stop. I realize now how emotionally immature he is.
Why did he do this to me? And will he ever feel bad? Regret? Realize? Reach out? We wouldn't work as a couple, I am aware of that now. I am aware of WHY I fell for this man based on my own unmet needs as a child, but I want to understand how someone I loved and was committed to could attack me with purpose.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 11, 2021 1:31:27 GMT
He has mental health issues. His responses aren't normal, and you know that. Don't blame yourself for extreme behaviors. Are you familiar with BPD? I'd take a look at that and see if it helps you understand the situation better. Sometimes BPD can look like an "extreme" form of FA, but I doubt with his dating history in addition to the way he acted that he's only got attachment issues. There's comorbidity going on. I hope you get to a point where the explanation doesn't matter, only the outcome where he's a bad partner for you and you can't trust him, is the important takeaway. And that instead of blaming yourself and asking why, you focus on yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. But I know when I was less familiar with all this stuff that it took my understanding other mindsets unlike my own to get me to understand what healthy interactions and relationships looked like -- both with other people and my relationship to myself -- so to a certain point the learning did help me move forward. But rumination does not, so don't fall into the rabbit hole.
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Post by Hypatia on Dec 11, 2021 1:53:28 GMT
He has mental health issues. His responses aren't normal, and you know that. Don't blame yourself for extreme behaviors. Are you familiar with BPD? I'd take a look at that and see if it helps you understand the situation better. Sometimes BPD can look like an "extreme" form of FA, but I doubt with his dating history in addition to the way he acted that he's only got attachment issues. There's comorbidity going on. I hope you get to a point where the explanation doesn't matter, only the outcome where he's a bad partner for you and you can't trust him, is the important takeaway. And that instead of blaming yourself and asking why, you focus on yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. But I know when I was less familiar with all this stuff that it took my understanding other mindsets unlike my own to get me to understand what healthy interactions and relationships looked like -- both with other people and my relationship to myself -- so to a certain point the learning did help me move forward. But rumination does not, so don't fall into the rabbit hole. Emotionally immature, insecure, FA. Not quite sure he’s BPD but I’ve looked into it. I know...I’m going OCD with this. It’s just so goddamn shocking and painful. I see myself making progress, mostly thanks to therapy and loving friends. |
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Post by annieb on Dec 11, 2021 3:49:08 GMT
Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this anguish, and I wanted to write a little about the “why” even though it may not be productive as Alexandra points out and knowing these things don’t necessarily alleviate any pain. In my experience when an insecure engineers a fallout it’s because they hate themselves so much and they realize they do not deserve you and the meanest things they say is verbatim from the record player on a loop in their head describing them, a voice from the past and from their trauma.
When they are love bombing you, they are trying to win you over for the validation they lack. And once they have it they devalue you because they don’t feel the value you out in them, so they immediately turn it around on you, this is what narcissists do in an extreme form and there are degrees of this behavior or at the very least - feelings in most insecures.
Realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done otherwise. That you saved yourself and your future from this is the best call you could have made.
They all, even DAs come back with apologies. Every DA or FA I dated came back in one form or another. Whether to be “friends”, to be work on “projects” together, etc. But soon you will learn they are again fishing for that validation.
You’re in the right place here to unpack this and you’re right to explore your trauma and your need for validation. And your falling for the lovebomb. That’s a great place to start your journey of healing.
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Post by Hypatia on Dec 11, 2021 4:40:05 GMT
Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this anguish, and I wanted to write a little about the “why” even though it may not be productive as Alexandra points out and knowing these things don’t necessarily alleviate any pain. In my experience when an insecure engineers a fallout it’s because they hate themselves so much and they realize they do not deserve you and the meanest things they say is verbatim from the record player on a loop in their head describing them, a voice from the past and from their trauma. When they are love bombing you, they are trying to win you over for the validation they lack. And once they have it they devalue you because they don’t feel the value you out in them, so they immediately turn it around on you, this is what narcissists do in an extreme form and there are degrees of this behavior or at the very least - feelings in most insecures. Realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done otherwise. That you saved yourself and your future from this is the best call you could have made. They all, even DAs come back with apologies. Every DA or FA I dated came back in one form or another. Whether to be “friends”, to be work on “projects” together, etc. But soon you will learn they are again fishing for that validation. You’re in the right place here to unpack this and you’re right to explore your trauma and your need for validation. And your falling for the lovebomb. That’s a great place to start your journey of healing. [b Do they ever realize what they’ve done? Or does that only come with a lot of hard work and therapy...something he will never do. My angry, broken heart wants revenge, and I know I need to give up on that. No closure, no explanation, no “getting what he deserves”...but being a sad, friendly man is probably enough. I do hope I have more empathy eventually. |
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Post by Hypatia on Dec 11, 2021 5:04:20 GMT
He has mental health issues. His responses aren't normal, and you know that. Don't blame yourself for extreme behaviors. Are you familiar with BPD? I'd take a look at that and see if it helps you understand the situation better. Sometimes BPD can look like an "extreme" form of FA, but I doubt with his dating history in addition to the way he acted that he's only got attachment issues. There's comorbidity going on. I hope you get to a point where the explanation doesn't matter, only the outcome where he's a bad partner for you and you can't trust him, is the important takeaway. And that instead of blaming yourself and asking why, you focus on yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. But I know when I was less familiar with all this stuff that it took my understanding other mindsets unlike my own to get me to understand what healthy interactions and relationships looked like -- both with other people and my relationship to myself -- so to a certain point the learning did help me move forward. But rumination does not, so don't fall into the rabbit hole. How did you work on rebuilding your self esteem and shaking off the rejection? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2021 5:37:19 GMT
Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this anguish, and I wanted to write a little about the “why” even though it may not be productive as Alexandra points out and knowing these things don’t necessarily alleviate any pain. In my experience when an insecure engineers a fallout it’s because they hate themselves so much and they realize they do not deserve you and the meanest things they say is verbatim from the record player on a loop in their head describing them, a voice from the past and from their trauma. When they are love bombing you, they are trying to win you over for the validation they lack. And once they have it they devalue you because they don’t feel the value you out in them, so they immediately turn it around on you, this is what narcissists do in an extreme form and there are degrees of this behavior or at the very least - feelings in most insecures. Realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done otherwise. That you saved yourself and your future from this is the best call you could have made. They all, even DAs come back with apologies. Every DA or FA I dated came back in one form or another. Whether to be “friends”, to be work on “projects” together, etc. But soon you will learn they are again fishing for that validation. You’re in the right place here to unpack this and you’re right to explore your trauma and your need for validation. And your falling for the lovebomb. That’s a great place to start your journey of healing. [b Do they ever realize what they’ve done? Or does that only come with a lot of hard work and therapy...something he will never do. My angry, broken heart wants revenge, and I know I need to give up on that. No closure, no explanation, no “getting what he deserves”...but being a sad, friendly man is probably enough. I do hope I have more empathy eventually. I'm sorry you're hurting this way, it's understandable that you're in anguish. But, you've been asking this question since your earliest posts, trying to get information nobody has. Do "they" ever realize, regret, etc? "They" does not speak to what HE may or may not do. You're asking as if someone here has a crystal ball to help you glean an answer but it's going to lead you absolutely nowhere. You're desperate for some kind of something that no one can give you. No answer neither yes or no will help you one iota. Because it won't undo what's been done, and it could even throw you into more of a tailspin ruminating. The rumination is the problematic issue to look at, don't fall for the idea that what you're ruminating about is where your focus needs to be. You're spinning, and on the wrong things. I don't know how to help you get off the sit and spin trying to mind read him and his future emotions, other than to point it out that your question is futile. At some point you will need to drop the question and train your mind back to what you can decipher and control... you. Best to you, it's awful what you've been through. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 11, 2021 5:41:09 GMT
Hypatia, here's a couple older threads where I talked about my process: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1262/attachment-style-self-help-suggestions jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1559/anxious-susceptibilities?page=1#post-19922
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Post by Hypatia on Dec 11, 2021 6:06:31 GMT
Hypatia, here's a couple older threads where I talked about my process: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1262/attachment-style-self-help-suggestions jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1559/anxious-susceptibilities?page=1#post-19922 Thank you! What a difficult journey this is, but one I certainly must do! |
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Post by midnight77 on Dec 11, 2021 10:15:59 GMT
I know and understand these feelings... You wish for him to finally realize that he lost you and to see you move on but, I mean.. You have no control on that and you should not even think about this. My dear, you only have control on what you feel and what you do for yourself and for those who truly care about you and keep you in their lives. Just start on a new path that does not include him, in your thoughts, in your life, in your intentions and actions and continue until he becomes nothing but another man that you dated in the past and that taught you something about yourself perhaps. What he feels about you has no relevance for this growth and healing to happen! I am sure they all realize at one point that they screwed everything up but it does not even matter because 1)it does not change the circumstance (they left you and hurt you) and 2) it does not necessarily mean they want to change or they care about you. To be honest when I was in my strong FA times I would regret a breakup a lot but only when I was so lonely that my ex would feel like the only remaining back-up for me to feel validated by someone. Do you want to wait for someone who considers you as a back-up to come back into your life? Do you need that to feel validated, to feel strong and loved? I can assure you that moving on and healing gives you more power than having him come back to you. And only when you move on they come back just to see that you are self-reliant and embarked on another path that does not involve them anymore
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 11, 2021 13:25:16 GMT
Hypatia , here's a couple older threads where I talked about my process: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1262/attachment-style-self-help-suggestions jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1559/anxious-susceptibilities?page=1#post-19922 Thank you! What a difficult journey this is, but one I certainly must do! I think the very first step is grace….give yourself a ton of grace because patterns of thinking do not form over night. Even with all we provide here…you may still end up cycling on questions that have no answers. Just remind yourself that you are worthy of a partner who will treat you as an equal….who is consistent, available, and caring. |
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Post by annieb on Dec 13, 2021 16:33:32 GMT
Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this anguish, and I wanted to write a little about the “why” even though it may not be productive as Alexandra points out and knowing these things don’t necessarily alleviate any pain. In my experience when an insecure engineers a fallout it’s because they hate themselves so much and they realize they do not deserve you and the meanest things they say is verbatim from the record player on a loop in their head describing them, a voice from the past and from their trauma. When they are love bombing you, they are trying to win you over for the validation they lack. And once they have it they devalue you because they don’t feel the value you out in them, so they immediately turn it around on you, this is what narcissists do in an extreme form and there are degrees of this behavior or at the very least - feelings in most insecures. Realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done otherwise. That you saved yourself and your future from this is the best call you could have made. They all, even DAs come back with apologies. Every DA or FA I dated came back in one form or another. Whether to be “friends”, to be work on “projects” together, etc. But soon you will learn they are again fishing for that validation. You’re in the right place here to unpack this and you’re right to explore your trauma and your need for validation. And your falling for the lovebomb. That’s a great place to start your journey of healing. [b Do they ever realize what they’ve done? Or does that only come with a lot of hard work and therapy...something he will never do. My angry, broken heart wants revenge, and I know I need to give up on that. No closure, no explanation, no “getting what he deserves”...but being a sad, friendly man is probably enough. I do hope I have more empathy eventually. Yes, of course they realize what they have done. Most of their actions they are absolutely aware of that they are doing them especially if they’ve done it before. After a while they notice what they are doing is of their own making. That doesn’t mean they think or feel or experience this knowledge and regret the same way you would experience the same things. They usually may lack awareness of why they are doing them, but they often know that they do. With a lot of therapy and work they would forever change though. In essence they would change to a point that you wouldn’t be attracted to them. And that’s where you come in. What were you trying to fix in your past attaching to them as they are now. What are you trying to solve if only they showed regret losing you. Would it prove you yourself that you deserve better, that you deserve the regret or that you deserve a different outcome. Which or what primary caregiver from your past is this person reminding you of. And if they regretted and magically changed into a loving and caring person would that somehow positively validate you? And would you remain negatively validated (but comfortable in familiarity of those feelings nevertheless) if they never regret? |
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