Struggling with the desire to "fix" FA

Thank you for the reply. I agree that looking into my desire to "fix" her avoidant issues is a place to help me grow as a person.

One thought that I have been working with is:

I might be motivated by guilt and shame that I feel, at some level, and didn't deal with from my parents' divorce when I was young. Throughout childhood and early adulthood, I didn't believe that I was affected by the divorce, because I never cried or really felt negative emotions about it. However, I do remember feeling upset a few times. I remember a couple of nights praying that they would get back together. I remember feeling shameful or at least different one time when a classmate said to another classmate that "his parents are divorced" with a sad tone. I remember also being hurt over missed birthdays.

I have began looking into abandonment fears and grieving losses. As a child, I didn't grieve the loss in the divorce in a healthy way. I felt shattered, angry, sad, etc. in moments, particularly, those I stated above, but feel now, that I largely expressed my grieving in dysfunctional ways. I was defiant and got into trouble in school and with the law. I was a teenage alcoholic, binge drinking on the weekends and breaks. I rationalized all at the time that I was just having fun as a teenager.

So on the one hand, I think that my desire to fix her and maintain the relationship might be related to anger or negative feelings that I have toward my parents, my father, in particular, and myself for not being able to keep my family together. The dysfunctional underlying logic might be, "If I can fix her and build a loving relationship, then I am a 'good' guy...I am what strong, loving family men should be."

I have thought through some of the flaws in this "fix her to fix me" thinking. Of course my hurt regarding dad not saving the family minimizes the complications in my parents marriage, just about all of which they kept hidden when I was younger. Much has been revealed by both more recently regarding their dysfunctional relationship patterns and attachment issues. I certainly shouldn't be upset with myself as a child for not being able to save my parents marriage, although I should embrace that I was just a kid who wanted a loving family, too. My saving this relationship will not repair my childhood. Further, my worth to me should not be tied to whether I can fix a her avoidant issues or maintain a relationship with her.

I think the healthiest things that I have done with this potentional issue is to reflect on and acknowledge it as a potential issue, to try to think back to how I felt as a child, to grieve and imagine allowing myself grieving when I was younger, to forgive myself for repressing grieving when I was younger, and to appreciate that I did want to keep my family together. Additionally, I have brought this up in different contexts with a therapist and select friends and family.