Post by benni on Dec 24, 2021 23:47:08 GMT
I'm sorry for the novel (first post)
If I were to describe me, I would say that I identify as AP leaning secure. About 3 months ago my partner of 1.5 years broke up with me. While I cannot definitively say he is fearful avoidant, he definitely possessed FA-like tendencies. We met right before the first COVID lockdown started and ended up getting together exclusively after a couple months straight of messaging/snapping/calling. He would always say how he appreciated me, how nice it was to have a reliable partner, and how this was the best relationship he has ever had. We never really fought, if we had issues we'd talk about things and they were always eager to help when they could. A number of times he would ask me if there was anything he could do to improve being my partner.
About a year into our relationship they took on a second job, working about 6 days a week. It was hard because how much we interacted virtually or in person, decreased both due COVID restrictions and his work schedule. While anxious, I rarely acted on it since I could understand how exhausted he must be since I've experienced it. I know how exhausting it is and how hard it is to work 5-6 days a week at a job you hate and to balance that with friends/family/partners. I was always reassured through our relationship that I had a recharging effect on him; that spending time with me isn't draining. When I have asked, they have also told me that there hasn't been any boundaries that I have been pushing. During this time the perceived distance really activated my anxiety. Rationally I understood but emotionally I was so worried/stressed, but I also knew he was planning on quitting the second job and maybe what I'm feeling is just temporary and would disappear when the circumstances changed again.
What also contributed to my anxiousness was that at this time where he worked the most I wasn't. I took a temporary leave of absence from school. With untreated ADHD, my partner became my one guilt-free source of dopamine so my need to see him/speak to him/interact with was at an all time high.
September came and I went back to school. Around this time my partner would ask weekly if I wanted to come over and spend the night. Sure our daily communication when not together still wasn't what it was but I was fine with it because we would spend time together. We would laugh, play games, and watch movies. He would be affectionate, tell me he loved me, and make passionate love to me. However, one night of joking led him to admitting that he was questioning out relationship and whether he wanted to work on it that night. It tore my soul apart but regardless of that fact he still asked if I wanted to come and spend the night again. Aside from my anxiety making it so I cant calm down and feel sick, I thought we would talk about our relationship then but the night went on normally. We had amazing sex, we cuddled to sleep, and I drove him to work the next day; exchanging kisses and I love you's. Only for the next day he calls to me ask for a no contact break.
The break was supposed to last 3 weeks but would only end up being a week and a half. About midway through he DMs me something about a common interest saying he just had to share it. A few hours latter he messaged about meeting up after he gets off work for dinner. I thought initially this was a good sign, especially when he didn't bring up our relationship over dinner. It felt ver date-like. We talked, caught up, joked, and then walked along the boardwalk for hours. The longer we hung out without talking about our break, the bolder I became. First I tested if he was okay with holding onto his arm, then his hand. Eventually we came to a look out point. You could hear the waves, see the stars, and the light from the lighthouse. It felt very romantic, especially when he threw his arm around my. I responded by kissing his cheek. To be completely honest I don't know who kissed who after that but we were making out quite passionately. Things progressed quickly after that and we became intimate. He told me how he missed me and asked me if I knew that he loved me. At this point I thought we were fine. We walked back with him tightly holding my hand and chatting. But once we got close to my car, he detoured us to a bench. We must have sat there for 30 minutes before I had to ask if we were okay.
This was it. This is where he broke up with me. He told me that it would be best if we could start off as friends. That he thought long and hard about what would make everyone happy. Told me that he he couldn't give our relationship the attention it deserved. He said how his past partner never respected his space and even though he knows I'm nothing like them he still has to deal with that trauma. He told me that I was important to him and that he couldn't imagine not having me in his life but also he needs more time and space to sort himself out. I agreed. I have never loved someone so much. We went NC for about a month, with one interruption where his best buddies (not knowing we broke up) invited me the a group thing with all of them, their s/o's, and my ex. I messaged him to figure our what was going on b/c I didn't want to ignore the invite. He apologized for putting me in that type of position, as well as for not being able to give me answers/peace of mind. We talked for a bit more (more than I expected) and mutually expressed how we both weren't doing so great. I expressed how if he ever wanted to talk that I was there for him when he was ready and we resumed no contact.
I stopped viewing his stories for the rest of the NC break and one day he reached out to me again about something very casual. Since then, we have essentially interacted everyday since. Whether it was just memes or light conversation. Recently I worked up the nerve to visit him to deliver a christmas gift I bought for him before we broke up. At first it was a little awkward; I didn't know what to expect. But I ended up staying and catching up for a few hours...would have been longer if I didn't make plans to stop by my other friends place nearby. We talked about everything. Surprisingly he ended up telling me about alot of personal things that were going on. The whole time we kept a respectable space between each other and while, I wasn't able to hug or kiss him how I would before everything about that night felt so normal and so comforting. It wasn't until I hugged him goodbye that things shifted.
When he went in to hug me it felt as if every muscle in his body released all tension. I could feel all his weight lean into me. He held me to his chest, fingers in my hair as he squeezed me into himself. At one point where I had to go he pulled away and for a brief moment he held me by my shoulders, eyes wide as if he wanted to either say something or kiss me. I think this was them moment he felt like he made things weird if his apology message after I left was anything to go by. That night we messaged back and forth for the first time in a long time.
But now brain won't shut up. I'm happy about our friendship and the fact we've made so much progress, but now that my brain has latched onto some perceived proof that he still has feelings for me, it keeps telling me that I should ask him about the chances of reconciliation. We have so many similar interests and unparalleled chemistry. I've made so much progress on self-soothing and being secure, I would be okay if we maintained the current level of engagement in a relationship.
Im torn on how I should proceed:
1) Be honest with him about my feelings for him and ask about the chances of us trying again.
- part of me says wait until we are more comfortable with each other. But I'm afraid that would devalue why I want to remain friends with him. I feel like I would betray him and myself.
- part of me says now while things are still fresh but then I feel like it's terrible timing and would be inconsiderate, now knowing what he's dealing with after telling me - when we broke up, that he cant put the energy/attention into our relationship.
2) Say nothing and hope I shift my feelings of romantic love into platonic love.
- I would have to deal with my feelings and it would suck, but I've done it before. (helping an ex with his surprise engagement proposal for his current partner)
I want to be honest, but I also don't want to ruin our friendship.
If I were to describe me, I would say that I identify as AP leaning secure. About 3 months ago my partner of 1.5 years broke up with me. While I cannot definitively say he is fearful avoidant, he definitely possessed FA-like tendencies. We met right before the first COVID lockdown started and ended up getting together exclusively after a couple months straight of messaging/snapping/calling. He would always say how he appreciated me, how nice it was to have a reliable partner, and how this was the best relationship he has ever had. We never really fought, if we had issues we'd talk about things and they were always eager to help when they could. A number of times he would ask me if there was anything he could do to improve being my partner.
About a year into our relationship they took on a second job, working about 6 days a week. It was hard because how much we interacted virtually or in person, decreased both due COVID restrictions and his work schedule. While anxious, I rarely acted on it since I could understand how exhausted he must be since I've experienced it. I know how exhausting it is and how hard it is to work 5-6 days a week at a job you hate and to balance that with friends/family/partners. I was always reassured through our relationship that I had a recharging effect on him; that spending time with me isn't draining. When I have asked, they have also told me that there hasn't been any boundaries that I have been pushing. During this time the perceived distance really activated my anxiety. Rationally I understood but emotionally I was so worried/stressed, but I also knew he was planning on quitting the second job and maybe what I'm feeling is just temporary and would disappear when the circumstances changed again.
What also contributed to my anxiousness was that at this time where he worked the most I wasn't. I took a temporary leave of absence from school. With untreated ADHD, my partner became my one guilt-free source of dopamine so my need to see him/speak to him/interact with was at an all time high.
September came and I went back to school. Around this time my partner would ask weekly if I wanted to come over and spend the night. Sure our daily communication when not together still wasn't what it was but I was fine with it because we would spend time together. We would laugh, play games, and watch movies. He would be affectionate, tell me he loved me, and make passionate love to me. However, one night of joking led him to admitting that he was questioning out relationship and whether he wanted to work on it that night. It tore my soul apart but regardless of that fact he still asked if I wanted to come and spend the night again. Aside from my anxiety making it so I cant calm down and feel sick, I thought we would talk about our relationship then but the night went on normally. We had amazing sex, we cuddled to sleep, and I drove him to work the next day; exchanging kisses and I love you's. Only for the next day he calls to me ask for a no contact break.
The break was supposed to last 3 weeks but would only end up being a week and a half. About midway through he DMs me something about a common interest saying he just had to share it. A few hours latter he messaged about meeting up after he gets off work for dinner. I thought initially this was a good sign, especially when he didn't bring up our relationship over dinner. It felt ver date-like. We talked, caught up, joked, and then walked along the boardwalk for hours. The longer we hung out without talking about our break, the bolder I became. First I tested if he was okay with holding onto his arm, then his hand. Eventually we came to a look out point. You could hear the waves, see the stars, and the light from the lighthouse. It felt very romantic, especially when he threw his arm around my. I responded by kissing his cheek. To be completely honest I don't know who kissed who after that but we were making out quite passionately. Things progressed quickly after that and we became intimate. He told me how he missed me and asked me if I knew that he loved me. At this point I thought we were fine. We walked back with him tightly holding my hand and chatting. But once we got close to my car, he detoured us to a bench. We must have sat there for 30 minutes before I had to ask if we were okay.
This was it. This is where he broke up with me. He told me that it would be best if we could start off as friends. That he thought long and hard about what would make everyone happy. Told me that he he couldn't give our relationship the attention it deserved. He said how his past partner never respected his space and even though he knows I'm nothing like them he still has to deal with that trauma. He told me that I was important to him and that he couldn't imagine not having me in his life but also he needs more time and space to sort himself out. I agreed. I have never loved someone so much. We went NC for about a month, with one interruption where his best buddies (not knowing we broke up) invited me the a group thing with all of them, their s/o's, and my ex. I messaged him to figure our what was going on b/c I didn't want to ignore the invite. He apologized for putting me in that type of position, as well as for not being able to give me answers/peace of mind. We talked for a bit more (more than I expected) and mutually expressed how we both weren't doing so great. I expressed how if he ever wanted to talk that I was there for him when he was ready and we resumed no contact.
I stopped viewing his stories for the rest of the NC break and one day he reached out to me again about something very casual. Since then, we have essentially interacted everyday since. Whether it was just memes or light conversation. Recently I worked up the nerve to visit him to deliver a christmas gift I bought for him before we broke up. At first it was a little awkward; I didn't know what to expect. But I ended up staying and catching up for a few hours...would have been longer if I didn't make plans to stop by my other friends place nearby. We talked about everything. Surprisingly he ended up telling me about alot of personal things that were going on. The whole time we kept a respectable space between each other and while, I wasn't able to hug or kiss him how I would before everything about that night felt so normal and so comforting. It wasn't until I hugged him goodbye that things shifted.
When he went in to hug me it felt as if every muscle in his body released all tension. I could feel all his weight lean into me. He held me to his chest, fingers in my hair as he squeezed me into himself. At one point where I had to go he pulled away and for a brief moment he held me by my shoulders, eyes wide as if he wanted to either say something or kiss me. I think this was them moment he felt like he made things weird if his apology message after I left was anything to go by. That night we messaged back and forth for the first time in a long time.
But now brain won't shut up. I'm happy about our friendship and the fact we've made so much progress, but now that my brain has latched onto some perceived proof that he still has feelings for me, it keeps telling me that I should ask him about the chances of reconciliation. We have so many similar interests and unparalleled chemistry. I've made so much progress on self-soothing and being secure, I would be okay if we maintained the current level of engagement in a relationship.
Im torn on how I should proceed:
1) Be honest with him about my feelings for him and ask about the chances of us trying again.
- part of me says wait until we are more comfortable with each other. But I'm afraid that would devalue why I want to remain friends with him. I feel like I would betray him and myself.
- part of me says now while things are still fresh but then I feel like it's terrible timing and would be inconsiderate, now knowing what he's dealing with after telling me - when we broke up, that he cant put the energy/attention into our relationship.
2) Say nothing and hope I shift my feelings of romantic love into platonic love.
- I would have to deal with my feelings and it would suck, but I've done it before. (helping an ex with his surprise engagement proposal for his current partner)
I want to be honest, but I also don't want to ruin our friendship.
