Confused

He bought me to this site as a totally confused gf. Never experiencing such avoidant behaviour in a partner. He ticked every box and his talk of how he treated his exs. Yet now he's been solid with his new partner bearing in mind hes nearly 50. How come after all these years of him acting avoidant in all his relationships he can suddenly be all in for solid 2 yrs.

alexandra

Thanks alexandra and your right in all you say.
I frustrate myself so much when i feel the urge to peep.
It only makes me feel negative about myself but i get urges every now and again.
I guess this guy hurt me so much if truth be told and as sad as it sounds i wamt to see him lonely and miserable.
The impact of that on/off relationship changed me as a person and i havent been able after all this time get back to the person i was before i met him. A person who effects you so much you end up searching for answers as to what you are experiencing is very impacting.
I just needed to reach out to you guys my friends and family woukd be furious if they thought i even cared what hes up to.
I dont know if i will ever truly get over him and how he made me feel about myself.
How to stop rehashing the past seems to be a big problem for me and i hate why i have to do it.
It doesnt seem fair hes taken her travelling in his van for months on end all over Europe and is now at her home in Canada for the winter and blowing up his instgram account of them both in fantastic locations. He didnt take me anywhere in his van bar 1 weekend away as he said the van was to small for 2 people and he cant cope with that feeling and need his space.
When he was with me he played video games dsy and night and drank alchol nearly everyday.
Im so sorry to rant and its not healthy for me to be rehashing this but i cant seem to help myself.
Thanks again for your reply hun. Sending you love and happiness for 2022 x

Hey Helsbells…..B, the guy who I dated….married the girl after me 8 months after they officially started dating.  And a friend of mine told me they have had a child.  Now…I could let that say something about him….that he wasn’t FA, that I made that story up in my head since he is now married…but insecure people marry all the time….doesn’t mean that the attachment issues went away.  It also does not say anything about me…that is the crucial bit.  I used to twist myself into a pretzel….why her, why not me….and I made a ton of assumptions based on photos and my active imagination.  What really helped me to finally let B go….was working on my own attachment issues….I found that when my nervous system was going off….I still wanted him to sooth me.  That is when I was most at risk for checking on him (although thankfully I never gave into it)….but I have learned better coping skills…relying on friends instead, reducing my codependency with my mom and countering any “he was the greatest thing since sliced bread” thinking with a more realistic view of who he was with me. 

I encourage you to find a way to stop checking….if you have to delete all your social media…do it.  Find a way back to working on your core wounding because that is where true healing and freedom exist.  Also…remind yourself daily you deserve a healthy partner and the world is a big place.

Hi tnr9 hope your well lovely. I have followed your journey and really admire how you are healing yourself it gives me great hope.
I know how much you struggled when B moved on and how you protected yourself from re living all the pain.
I think your right, maybe i need to just delete my social media for a while as seeing him all smug and happy "well according to instgram " lolz will be the only way to help me truly move on from him.
Im my own worse enemy always have been sadly.
My 2022 be a blessed year for you hun x

Yes, I remember your story Helsbells

Loosing relatives, partners etc. to death can cause shock trauma. It’s the ultimate goodbye (at least here on Earth)

There’s something called a broken heart syndrome.
In Japan, it has been found that grief can change the shape of the heart, as the heart actually collapses physically.
It is called the vase heart.
It looks like a vase and looks like a drop falling down. Narrow at the top and thicker at the bottom.
This has been proven on the X-ray images of people who were affected by deep grief.
The change of the heart is called takotsubo, the name comes from the Chinese jar/vase which the heart resembles when it gets this “disease” which is often triggered by deep heartache.
Its supposed to affect females and post menoposal females more than males

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/43348/
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/43350/

Grief and losses can be trauma and can get stuck in our nervous system.

Grief can affect our lungs.
If that exchange is blocked emotionally by grief and sadness, it affects the smooth action of the lungs. When someone is sad, they hold their breath and oxygen is decreased. The emotional blockage of not letting go and the symptom of grief affects the receiving and letting go action of the lungs.

Max Storm - breathing grief - youtu.be/4Lb5L-VEm34
He talks about how people can confuse anxiaty attacks with unprossed grief.

I have made a thread about grief, loss, death etc.
- as death and grief is also such a taboo in a lot of sociaties including my own where people just expect you (and maybe yourself);to get over your losses in a “split second” ..…
Also a lot of people don’t know what to say to or how to be with you when you are grieving.

We can’t fix grief, it has to be felt …
The process for each person is different and our grieving process is not linear…

It would be great if you can find some comfort with your new boyfriend. We all - when we reach a certain age - have had experiences with former partners, families, we have experienced death and losses etc. That’s also something that a new partner has to accept and live with…

I think that it is so beautyfull that you have already experienced real love with your ex partner, who passed away.

I like this quote/ saying: “SORROW/grief is love that has become homeless”

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2526/death-grief-loss-attatchmentstyles-ptsd

Theres this book about a woman who lost her partner - maybe it can be helpful for you to read ?
www.amazon.co.uk/Heartbreak-Happiness-Intimate-Diary-Healing/

Hugs ❤️