Help with a Friend

This thing with my friend has been weighing on me like so many other things.

Maybe it's what happened with my ex last night and recently (in another post) but I woke up this morning and kind of snapped.

I'm tired of making it better for people. They can do better. If they can't they can't, I get it.

I was honest with my friend. I think I was afraid to be THAT vulnerable.

I was afraid to admit, hey I needed you and you weren't there. I don't want to put that on any one - I'm understanding. But if I'm going to reach out to YOU after I feel wounded and hurt, but be willing to put it behind me and hold out an olive branch and you want to slap it down and tell me to search my own heart, whatever. Ef that.

So I told her as much. It's not what I wanted. I don't think it will make things better. But for me to make things better, I'd have to swallow that to repair with her and I don't owe that to anyone. I went through living hell the past few years. And if you can't be there for me as a friend, I won't hold it against you - but if you can't simply own "Hey, yeah, that was hard not hearing from you for that long." then you need to grow up. She's in her mid fifties. It's time.

I guess I'm cranky and have no patience, and waited one month to have a feeling rise up in me where I could be generous and give her the - whatever - apology or something she wanted. But I guess I can't. And I'm truly sad.

I woke up this morning and realized, I need her to be there for me right now. She has her own stuff going on, we all do. But if you're the type of friend who holds that stuff against someone, it won't work. I think she's immature in a lot of ways.


I am recalling how in the past year, she came to my town and texted me when she was here to see if I could spend time. It's fine. But I wouldn't do that to someone. I have a friend who is like me, busy single mom working - losing her mind half the time. I SEE her. I'm capable of that much. And I would never drop in last minute and be like "Hey, me me me!" That's what it feels like. I'd see how she is, understand that she's busy, see when might work for her, and if it doesn't understand.

Anyway, it's not like this feels good or is off my chest. But I had to be honest. I wanted my friend back, but "getting her back" felt like more of my unhealthy patterns that I'm not willing to indulge.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks, Introvert.

I must have really blasted through some serious personal changes in the last couple of years because, yes, it is striking to me how much updating is needed. This is a long-term good friend, and I always knew she was pretty co-dependent and unhealthy (as I've been at different times), but we still remained really solid friends. I just tended to ignore her "stuff" unless it got directed at me. Which this is what it felt like.

I said what I did this morning and realized I need more of that. I tend to never really trust my own anger, and not want to direct it at people - but that's exactly what boundaries are- they are healthy aggression and asserting ourselves and our needs. And it's VERY rare for me - pretty much unheard of - for me to share with someone "Hey, I needed you and you weren't there." I feel like I'm burdening people, etc. But it feels right to say that. It's not to guilt them, blame them, but to share my experience, be vulnerable, and it feels real.

I woke up this morning, once again crushed by trauma with my daughter and her dad, and I just thought - where are my freaking friends? (I have them, they will be there) but I meant the recent two who I've had falling outs with . . .. 

She responded pretty quickly (I sent it early b/c I couldn't sleep) and I haven't read it yet b/c I've had a busy day - we'll see.

As to your question, I just don't really choose this anymore. I think I've done so much work, I'm now just naturally drawn to healthier people.

Thank you for the continued support.

Thanks for this. And yes to your last question.

If someone looks me directly in the eye, sometimes I just start crying. 

Thanks. I'm working on this for my child right now. She's more in crises than I am.
I'm also in a building stage of my business. Without getting it to where it needs to be, we are not financially stable.

So everything like that has become urgent and a priority. I can't even afford therapy right now - but I am going to try it. I also found a therapist (body worker type) who I can get to 2x a month (my daughter came and stayed in another room). But it's also v. expensive! But it is definitely a good place for me to unravel. So trying to make it all work.