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Post by happydaze on Feb 8, 2022 5:12:19 GMT
I am an HSP, as is one of my children and my father. I have always from my earliest memories needed significant amounts of downtime/alone time to recharge and recenter. As a young child I was easily--sometimes profoundly--overwhelmed by events that would seem ludicrously tame to most people, but left deep and lasting and overwhelming impressions upon me.
I am also FA leaning DA, but recently realized during my long marriage that one of my failures was not communicating this need clearly, and instead of meeting my needs, I would ignore it and be a people pleaser I always was. And as anyone married with children knows, the pressures of being "front and center" for the spouse and children are intense and often exhausting.
When I don't get my downtime, I become increasingly uncentered and stressed. If I push it further I end up being short and grumpy, even exhibiting push type behaviors.
Then the next day after my recharge I would be my regular warm and engaging self. You might call this the "pull".
I am curious whether any other HSP people are here who have made this distinction between HSP "push and pull" vs FA/DA?
I have noticed in my first post-divorce relationship that I really have to sneak up on my feelings to test them and verify them, like a hawk circles its prey far above. But even though it takes me a long time, the process is generally ongoing and often done during my downtime. Others have termed this a "slow burn". I mention this because I am still unsure whether this is an FA/DA thing or HSP or both?
I think what I am trying to say here is that I truly believe even if my parents and sibling had not done acts that configured the FA/DA wiring in me, I would still exhibit push/pull behaviors due to being HSP, especially where I had not learned how to communicate the need and give myself timely downtime.
Can I have an "amen" here or I am just chasing the wind? 
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2022 7:25:35 GMT
I am primarily DA but I can't speculate about the what if's in terms of my attachment wounding, nor can I parse out that's DA vs HSP other than to say the two work together in me.
I don't see the regulated me (the not sensory overwhelmed me) as pulling, I see it as just being who I am normally. Pulling, i think of anxiety and a desire to please and compensate and be insecure. When I am not sensory overwhelmed I am not anxious. When I am sensory overwhelmed I have a distinctly different feeling in my mind and body than when I am deactivated. Sensory overwhelm does not lead to loss of hope for my relationship nor the desire to leave it or question it. Deactivation absolutely does.
However, the need for quiet and solitude merges very well with my DA nature to separate from others, be self reliant (because I alone can create the environment that suits me and I am happy there alone, or was before becoming more emotionally available). Being HSP and DA was easy and. natural for me, as long as I was single.
I have definitely been grumpy with my kids and spouse over sensory overwhelm. But coming out of it didn't lead to insecure anxious behavior. I know there is the difference between FA and DA but if HSP is the bottom line, I have to disagree because it doesn't cause this DA to be in pulling mode.
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Post by krolle on Feb 8, 2022 16:44:30 GMT
I am an HSP, as is one of my children and my father. I have always from my earliest memories needed significant amounts of downtime/alone time to recharge and recenter. As a young child I was easily--sometimes profoundly--overwhelmed by events that would seem ludicrously tame to most people, but left deep and lasting and overwhelming impressions upon me.
I am also FA leaning DA, but recently realized during my long marriage that one of my failures was not communicating this need clearly, and instead of meeting my needs, I would ignore it and be a people pleaser I always was. And as anyone married with children knows, the pressures of being "front and center" for the spouse and children are intense and often exhausting.
When I don't get my downtime, I become increasingly uncentered and stressed. If I push it further I end up being short and grumpy, even exhibiting push type behaviors.
Then the next day after my recharge I would be my regular warm and engaging self. You might call this the "pull".
I am curious whether any other HSP people are here who have made this distinction between HSP "push and pull" vs FA/DA?
I have noticed in my first post-divorce relationship that I really have to sneak up on my feelings to test them and verify them, like a hawk circles its prey far above. But even though it takes me a long time, the process is generally ongoing and often done during my downtime. Others have termed this a "slow burn". I mention this because I am still unsure whether this is an FA/DA thing or HSP or both?
I think what I am trying to say here is that I truly believe even if my parents and sibling had not done acts that configured the FA/DA wiring in me, I would still exhibit push/pull behaviors due to being HSP, especially where I had not learned how to communicate the need and give myself timely downtime.
Can I have an "amen" here or I am just chasing the wind?
Check out and feel free to chime in my ADHD, FA, HSP, Anxiety, Depression thread (apologies if you already have, my memory is poor). jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3195/adhd-fa-hsp-anxiety-depressionI also saw correlations with the things you have mentioned (though lately we seem to be mostly focusing ADHD) and have been exploring the patterns on there. Sharing literature/videos etc, plus our personal experience. Though I have no experience with children or a marriage. So if thats your main focus I'm afraid I can't offer much help. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2022 14:52:56 GMT
I am an HSP, as is one of my children and my father. I have always from my earliest memories needed significant amounts of downtime/alone time to recharge and recenter. As a young child I was easily--sometimes profoundly--overwhelmed by events that would seem ludicrously tame to most people, but left deep and lasting and overwhelming impressions upon me.
I am also FA leaning DA, but recently realized during my long marriage that one of my failures was not communicating this need clearly, and instead of meeting my needs, I would ignore it and be a people pleaser I always was. And as anyone married with children knows, the pressures of being "front and center" for the spouse and children are intense and often exhausting.
When I don't get my downtime, I become increasingly uncentered and stressed. If I push it further I end up being short and grumpy, even exhibiting push type behaviors.
Then the next day after my recharge I would be my regular warm and engaging self. You might call this the "pull".
I am curious whether any other HSP people are here who have made this distinction between HSP "push and pull" vs FA/DA?
I have noticed in my first post-divorce relationship that I really have to sneak up on my feelings to test them and verify them, like a hawk circles its prey far above. But even though it takes me a long time, the process is generally ongoing and often done during my downtime. Others have termed this a "slow burn". I mention this because I am still unsure whether this is an FA/DA thing or HSP or both?
I think what I am trying to say here is that I truly believe even if my parents and sibling had not done acts that configured the FA/DA wiring in me, I would still exhibit push/pull behaviors due to being HSP, especially where I had not learned how to communicate the need and give myself timely downtime.
Can I have an "amen" here or I am just chasing the wind? 
So I am HSP and an AP leaning FA as far as romantic relationships go. When I get overwhelmed by someone else….I have 2 reactions…I want to move away from that feeling of overwhelm but I also want to be close to someone who I believe can coregulator me (this is how I know I am AP…I still try to get my nervous system regulated through a partner). |
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Post by krolle on Feb 12, 2022 11:47:49 GMT
I am an HSP, as is one of my children and my father. I have always from my earliest memories needed significant amounts of downtime/alone time to recharge and recenter. As a young child I was easily--sometimes profoundly--overwhelmed by events that would seem ludicrously tame to most people, but left deep and lasting and overwhelming impressions upon me.
I am also FA leaning DA, but recently realized during my long marriage that one of my failures was not communicating this need clearly, and instead of meeting my needs, I would ignore it and be a people pleaser I always was. And as anyone married with children knows, the pressures of being "front and center" for the spouse and children are intense and often exhausting.
When I don't get my downtime, I become increasingly uncentered and stressed. If I push it further I end up being short and grumpy, even exhibiting push type behaviors.
Then the next day after my recharge I would be my regular warm and engaging self. You might call this the "pull".
I am curious whether any other HSP people are here who have made this distinction between HSP "push and pull" vs FA/DA?
I have noticed in my first post-divorce relationship that I really have to sneak up on my feelings to test them and verify them, like a hawk circles its prey far above. But even though it takes me a long time, the process is generally ongoing and often done during my downtime. Others have termed this a "slow burn". I mention this because I am still unsure whether this is an FA/DA thing or HSP or both?
I think what I am trying to say here is that I truly believe even if my parents and sibling had not done acts that configured the FA/DA wiring in me, I would still exhibit push/pull behaviors due to being HSP, especially where I had not learned how to communicate the need and give myself timely downtime.
Can I have an "amen" here or I am just chasing the wind?
So I am HSP and an AP leaning FA as far as romantic relationships go. When I get overwhelmed by someone else….I have 2 reactions…I want to move away from that feeling of overwhelm but I also want to be close to someone who I believe can coregulator me (this is how I know I am AP…I still try to get my nervous system regulated through a partner). Could FA leaning AP be a better description of you tnr9? I know its a continuum. Just subtle differences. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 14, 2022 1:40:26 GMT
So I am HSP and an AP leaning FA as far as romantic relationships go. When I get overwhelmed by someone else….I have 2 reactions…I want to move away from that feeling of overwhelm but I also want to be close to someone who I believe can coregulator me (this is how I know I am AP…I still try to get my nervous system regulated through a partner). Could FA leaning AP be a better description of you tnr9 ? I know its a continuum. Just subtle differences. The way I understand FA….FA has both patterns of avoidant and anxious…so I believe my phrasing as an aAP leaning FA is accurate. 🙂🤔 |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 14, 2022 3:05:45 GMT
I think you're both saying the same thing. An FA who more often leans anxious (AP) than avoidant. But without the voice inflection, it can be read either way.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 14, 2022 3:44:29 GMT
I think you're both saying the same thing. An FA who more often leans anxious (AP) than avoidant. But without the voice inflection, it can be read either way. Ohhh…now I see it…..I thought he meant an FA leaning AP meaning I was AP with FA leaning which made no sense. Thanks Alexandra…now I see it. 🙂 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 4:03:29 GMT
I think you're both saying the same thing. An FA who more often leans anxious (AP) than avoidant. But without the voice inflection, it can be read either way. Ohhh…now I see it…..I thought he meant an FA leaning AP meaning I was AP with FA leaning which made no sense. Thanks Alexandra…now I see it. 🙂 Ha! I thought the same thing and I was scratching my head. Funny! |
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Post by krolle on Feb 14, 2022 4:08:28 GMT
I think you're both saying the same thing. An FA who more often leans anxious (AP) than avoidant. But without the voice inflection, it can be read either way. Yeah that's it. I envy the way you are able to see some things alexandra. Almost seems like you have 3d goggles when it comes to communication or something. And usually remain mostly untouched in situations many of the rest of us would either fight or flight. |
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Post by krolle on Feb 14, 2022 4:11:26 GMT
And the rest of you pretty much lol. suppose it was just me that misinterpreted ha
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 4:37:08 GMT
I think you're both saying the same thing. An FA who more often leans anxious (AP) than avoidant. But without the voice inflection, it can be read either way. Yeah that's it. I envy the way you are able to see some things alexandra. Almost seems like you have 3d goggles when it comes to communication or something. And usually remain mostly untouched in situations many of the rest of us would either fight or flight. , I imagine you to have a non-american accent, is it true? It's so funny getting to "know" people online and having some notions about what they sound like having never heard 😂 |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 14, 2022 7:31:28 GMT
I think you're both saying the same thing. An FA who more often leans anxious (AP) than avoidant. But without the voice inflection, it can be read either way. Yeah that's it. I envy the way you are able to see some things alexandra. Almost seems like you have 3d goggles when it comes to communication or something. And usually remain mostly untouched in situations many of the rest of us would either fight or flight. Lol. But in all seriousness, it took effort and practice! |
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Post by krolle on Feb 14, 2022 15:36:50 GMT
Yeah that's it. I envy the way you are able to see some things alexandra. Almost seems like you have 3d goggles when it comes to communication or something. And usually remain mostly untouched in situations many of the rest of us would either fight or flight. , I imagine you to have a non-american accent, is it true? It's so funny getting to "know" people online and having some notions about what they sound like having never heard 😂 lol. What accent do you imagine I might have? yes, I agree. its quiet funny. I had a dream once that a bunch of us here met at a neutral location. Like an attachment styles ted talk or something and were wildly entertained trying to guess which online name each person was. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 14, 2022 23:36:40 GMT
Here's something creepy and coincidental... I once had a dream where I met someone from the forum who had never shared their real name. I told them about the dream and how the entire time I'd been calling them by a real name my brain made up in the dream... it turned out that WAS the CORRECT name and we were both freaked out ha ha. Verified that the real name had never been mentioned or even hinted at before.
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