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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2022 16:51:32 GMT
I'm really not familiar with having a lot of friends, at a close level. My relationships are in concentric circles with just one close confidante and my partner, and then concentric circles of people I am friendly with but not in a very close dynamic where things get complicated. So I'm probably not a great support for you, we have different dynamics around friendships. I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive it's just a different culture so to speak.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 15, 2022 17:56:36 GMT
I don't know how to resolve this, but I do think about which dynamics work with which friends. In regards to, there are some friends you can't / don't want to travel with. You're not compatible in that way. But you can still be friends who just know not to travel together. There are some friends I wouldn't want to work with professionally, but we can still be friends who never work together. I feel like that's what's going on here, perhaps. Which may not be useful for your going in together on a project and building this community, but it's about fit in this context rather than the entire friendship not working. Unless you think it's a repeated pattern of eroded trust.
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Post by seeking on Feb 15, 2022 20:33:20 GMT
I'm sorry, I think I got confused about the dynamics, which person is who and whatnot. I didn't realize it was so close in terms of friendship and saw it as moms who parent school kids together- so more distant and acquaintance like. Perhaps just what I think of when it comes to schooling kids as I am not a home schooler. It's a very different community I think? So yes, I can see where you would want to bring up the emotional piece. Sorry! No problem. I appreciate your support. I'm just trying to look at my own gut instincts, and learn to follow them. But yes, this is a friend of mine who is in the community. I've never done public schooling and my experience is the moms are always pretty close - the last system we were in (for 3 years) it was a small private school and like 3 girls and eventually 6 girls in the class - very close knit, second to family, really. I am going to say something. I just dread it and am emotionally exhausted by so much lately, but I think it needs to be said.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2022 21:01:31 GMT
I'm sorry, I think I got confused about the dynamics, which person is who and whatnot. I didn't realize it was so close in terms of friendship and saw it as moms who parent school kids together- so more distant and acquaintance like. Perhaps just what I think of when it comes to schooling kids as I am not a home schooler. It's a very different community I think? So yes, I can see where you would want to bring up the emotional piece. Sorry! No problem. I appreciate your support. I'm just trying to look at my own gut instincts, and learn to follow them. But yes, this is a friend of mine who is in the community. I've never done public schooling and my experience is the moms are always pretty close - the last system we were in (for 3 years) it was a small private school and like 3 girls and eventually 6 girls in the class - very close knit, second to family, really. I am going to say something. I just dread it and am emotionally exhausted by so much lately, but I think it needs to be said. Sounds like you need a hug. 🧡
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Post by seeking on Feb 15, 2022 21:32:16 GMT
It really goes back to vulnerability and rejection for me.
This is being vulnerable. I don't want to be rejected. But I want to start being vulnerable. I feel like it leaves me in a better place to connect and also stay in integrity.
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Post by seeking on Feb 15, 2022 21:32:59 GMT
Sounds like you need a hug. 🧡 Oh man, do I.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2022 21:41:31 GMT
It really goes back to vulnerability and rejection for me. This is being vulnerable. I don't want to be rejected. But I want to start being vulnerable. I feel like it leaves me in a better place to connect and also stay in integrity. I get that. Vulnerability is really courageous and beautiful. They say, courage is not absence of fear but feeling the fear and doing what needs to be done, anyway. I love that piece of wisdom. And, if you don't reject yourself in the case where things don't go well, your vulnerability muscles grow I think. Ive had such low expectations for support for years, I think I stopped caring at some point. That's no good. At least you're in touch with what you need here, that's great. I feel supported in my life now too, don't get me wrong. But in the wasteland "back there" in the old life I forgot to look for people if you know what I mean.
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Post by seeking on Feb 15, 2022 22:02:42 GMT
Yes, I think the key for me here is not having the reflexive shame that ultimately happens if things don't go well. "Oh, I shouldn't have said that."
I think that's what I've been doing - all this bouncing around and getting permission to say something, rather than just speaking up from my heart -
And that's what I was wondering about secure people. Sometimes I tend to see secure people in this "black and white" way like they are very adult and kind of professional and don't talk about emotions or "drama" - but I would love to really get the hang of that, in a secure way. so that's what I'm on the fence about so much right now - in this particular scenario - which is not a simple one!
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Post by alexandra on Feb 15, 2022 23:25:50 GMT
Sometimes I tend to see secure people in this "black and white" way like they are very adult and kind of professional and don't talk about emotions or "drama" - but I would love to really get the hang of that, in a secure way. Right, this makes sense but it isn't true. They talk about emotions but don't have the layers of doubt and fear over opening up and sharing or being vulnerable. They approach things with positivity and trust, that even if something doesn't work out to their liking, they will find a way to be okay. So it feels better to speak up than not, and the communication is straight forward instead of trying to manipulate or play a game or be passive aggressive (because those insecure layers and childhood conditioning primarily dealing with insecure adults aren't hampering saying what they mean). It starts from building a strong enough sense of self and identity and feeling you're enough within yourself no matter the outcome.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2022 23:45:21 GMT
Sometimes I tend to see secure people in this "black and white" way like they are very adult and kind of professional and don't talk about emotions or "drama" - but I would love to really get the hang of that, in a secure way. Right, this makes sense but it isn't true. They talk about emotions but don't have the layers of doubt and fear over opening up and sharing or being vulnerable. They approach things with positivity and trust, that even if something doesn't work out to their liking, they will find a way to be okay. So it feels better to speak up than not, and the communication is straight forward instead of trying to manipulate or play a game or be passive aggressive (because those insecure layers and childhood conditioning primarily dealing with insecure adults aren't hampering saying what they mean). It starts from building a strong enough sense of self and identity and feeling you're enough within yourself no matter the outcome. All of this and also; I find that I have a sense of humor and also of forgiveness and grace about myself, meaning, if I'm wrong I can admit it more easily, I don't jump to conclusions as much, I don't assume the worst, and there can be a funny side to being messy, it happens to everyone. Anyone can have a moment, a day when things don't go well with others, etc.... there's a lightness to being more secure than I was before.
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2022 0:21:18 GMT
Great descriptions alexandra and introvert.
I can be this way.
Right now, however, I am not this way.
With the new guy, this friend in question.
I am feeling particularly insecure about the new guy in a way that keeps hitting the same note. We talk, things are great and then we are heading toward getting off the phone and I get "weird" (I actually did this with a new client yesterday). I don't know what is making me so ultra-sensitive lately.
But the "same note" thing with him is that he is mature, grown up, grounded. And I am somehow not. I'm silly and immature in some ways, and not always grounded.
I feel sort of shaky in the connection and I guess that brings up a lot.
When I'm finding the "I will be okay anyway" it's usually a pretty walled-off place for me. I would like to get there. But ... not there.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 0:30:24 GMT
Great descriptions alexandra and introvert. I can be this way. Right now, however, I am not this way. With the new guy, this friend in question. I am feeling particularly insecure about the new guy in a way that keeps hitting the same note. We talk, things are great and then we are heading toward getting off the phone and I get "weird" (I actually did this with a new client yesterday). I don't know what is making me so ultra-sensitive lately. But the "same note" thing with him is that he is mature, grown up, grounded. And I am somehow not. I'm silly and immature in some ways, and not always grounded. I feel sort of shaky in the connection and I guess that brings up a lot. When I'm finding the "I will be okay anyway" it's usually a pretty walled-off place for me. I would like to get there. But ... not there. I totally get that- the "survival" version of "I will be ok!" VS the thriving version of "I AM OK!" Vastly different landscapes to be in.
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2022 0:51:08 GMT
I totally get that- the "survival" version of "I will be ok!" VS the thriving version of "I AM OK!" Vastly different landscapes to be in. exactly. I'm just in a very vulnerable time. I was worried that the "next guy" was going to be where I project a lot of my insecurity because it has been SO ROUGH in the dating world for so long. Not that long ago, I could go on a date, knowing that more would come along. Not since the pandemic. And not since most of the guys I was meeting were not on the same page as me in a really important ways ... That just feels bad to me. I have some time before we meet in person and I'm really hoping to get on top of a few things that are leaving me feeling really worn out.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 1:00:16 GMT
I totally get that- the "survival" version of "I will be ok!" VS the thriving version of "I AM OK!" Vastly different landscapes to be in. exactly. I'm just in a very vulnerable time. I was worried that the "next guy" was going to be where I project a lot of my insecurity because it has been SO ROUGH in the dating world for so long. Not that long ago, I could go on a date, knowing that more would come along. Not since the pandemic. And not since most of the guys I was meeting were not on the same page as me in a really important ways ... That just feels bad to me. I have some time before we meet in person and I'm really hoping to get on top of a few things that are leaving me feeling really worn out. You're going through a lot of growing pains right now, it seems. Are you resting well? I mean, aside from your very busy schedule of responsibilities, are you sleeping and eating well? I ask because that's where I nurture myself , in the self care, TLC-for-me department when I'm feeling ragged and a bit overwhelmed. It feels like a bit of love to just eat something healthy, have good sleep hygiene, and take good care of my health. It's a self-hug, that's what I teach my kids to do under stress, be a good caretaker of their good little selves.
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2022 1:05:08 GMT
You're going through a lot of growing pains right now, it seems. Are you resting well? I mean, aside from your very busy schedule of responsibilities, are you sleeping and eating well? I ask because that's where I nurture myself , in the self care, TLC-for-me department when I'm feeling ragged and a bit overwhelmed. It feels like a bit of love to just eat something healthy, have good sleep hygiene, and take good care of my health. It's a self-hug, that's what I teach my kids to do under stress, be a good caretaker of their good little selves. Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about - sleeping and eating. I have to take sugar out of my diet and get to bed before 10. When that doesn't happen, it wears me out more. I'm starting in a couple days (no sugar, no carbs) I always quickly improve mood-wise, etc that way. And sleep is just up and down. But makes a big difference. So that's where I'm headed now. Thank you!
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