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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 17, 2017 3:30:50 GMT
Something I find the most difficult is the endlessly wishing to know WHY the more-avoidant person is so avoidant. I even make up "what if" situations...what if she actually DID respond to my last letter but somehow I never got it and all this time she's thinking I am the one who didn't write her back? I come up with all these possible scenarios whereby the letter I never got in return may have been sent but then lost before it reached me...
Or, what if I hadn't said that one thing I said that made her withdraw... what if in that one crucial moment I had played my cards differently... and why is she so distant now? what if she secretly still wants to be friends?
I wish I knew her thought process.
All I can think of is that the best way to deal with it is to keep reminding myself that regardless of all the what if's, she still made the choice to disassociate from the relationship. If she really wanted to, she'd step back into it, right?
Also I wonder how often people keep the hope of reconnection alive, like "Someday we'll go out for coffee again. Like in a year, or 5 years, or 10 years..." I find something fulfilling in that hope, but I also wonder if it's harmful in some way.
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Post by 1wthlyf on Nov 18, 2017 13:59:13 GMT
In my therapy session this past week I asked my therapist, "what about the hope?" She answered to the effect that the hope that exists is based on fantasy and that I should hope for reality. The reality is that I focus on my healing, and healing this 'hole' inside me that wants to fill it with the fantasy relationship of getting back the 'perfect' relationship with the FA ex (in my case).
She explained that the hope is based on fantasy 'ifs'. If the ex goes to therapy, if the ex is different, if the ex wants me, if we can resolve the issues, if I'm different, if she can learn to love me and show empathy, and if, if, if.
That helped me see that it is a fantasy that I'm hoping for.
The reality is that I'm continuing to heal myself, so that I stop hoping for a fantasy.
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Post by onastring on Nov 18, 2017 22:37:44 GMT
I find myself doing this too - what if she thinks It's me who has withdrawn/let go/distanced...(fill in the blank)
But then I look at the character of our relationship over the last year or so, and the last few months in particular and this helps me realise that even if she does think this, it is not the truth, it is not the reality.
So I'll repeat what another poster said: we need to give ourselves closure by accepting that if they wanted to be with us, they would be.
Thinking about the difference between reality and fantasy is also helpful. I think letting go of the hope is very painful though. In their absence, all we have is the focus on healing ourselves.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 25, 2017 1:31:41 GMT
For 1wthlyf, nice way of putting it...we "should hope for reality" and that reality being "healing." I think that is a useful way to think about it. Now I wish I had your therapist-- s/he sounds really useful.
And for onastring, thanks. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 12, 2017 0:25:15 GMT
I think the "hope" goes way back to our childhood...we were always hopeful that our caregivers would respond to us approvingly. It kept us seeking after the attachment figure.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 22, 2018 20:36:42 GMT
Interesting thoughts in this rather old thread I've bumped.
Im not a AP so am not in the same mindset as you guys, but I was a little surprised to see so many of you clinging on to hope and a sort of fantasy that your ex would maybe return one day and a happy reunion would occur.
It was always my assumption (perhaps wrongly) that once an avoidant partner had left that you guys quickly move on to the next relationship and channel all your energy, and perhaps the same attachment dynamics, into that next person in order to try and forget about the guy who left.
I always assumed with the AP that once a new partner is found then the last one is forgotten about quite quickly, not dissimilar to how a DA would feel I guess.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 22, 2018 21:19:28 GMT
Interesting thoughts in this rather old thread I've bumped. Im not a AP so am not in the same mindset as you guys, but I was a little surprised to see so many of you clinging on to hope and a sort of fantasy that your ex would maybe return one day and a happy reunion would occur. It was always my assumption (perhaps wrongly) that once an avoidant partner had left that you guys quickly move on to the next relationship and channel all your energy, and perhaps the same attachment dynamics, into that next person in order to try and forget about the guy who left. I always assumed with the AP that once a new partner is found then the last one is forgotten about quite quickly, not dissimilar to how a DA would feel I guess. I think some APs move on to a new relationship....but I have had long stretches of time without a partner. It has been over a year and I still find myself wishing that B wanted me back...not for an ideal relationship (because there is no ideal) but because I thought we were pretty good together and to me, he has so many good traits. I can't speak for anyone else. I will say that when I am in a relationship..I tend not to hope for the prior partner at that point because all the hope does transfer to the new partner. |
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