Women, sexuality, lovemaking, erotic blueprint

More about porn - youtu.be/ojw_yMMNPAs

He watches porn and I lose my sex drive

I have a question about men, porn and sex drive.
Why is it that some men hide that they sit alone at night at the computer and watch sex and porn?
I have lost the desire for sex because of it, and just want to live alone. My husband denies watching porn at night. What can I do about it?

Answer:
Since 2006, when I was trained as a couple therapist, I have met SO many couples where this "Watching porn at night - deny it during the day" was a big problem.
When we enter into a relationship, there is often in the beginning a great focus on the common sexuality and we think that we "have enough in each other".

A lot of people also have the belief and think that when I am in a relationship, I "should" not want to have solo sex (ie masturbate), but the reality is truly different.

There are three factors at stake, namely our common sexuality, your sexuality and my sexuality.
The more I have control over mine and the more you have control over yours, the better it also often gets in our shared sexuality.

But when we think about the thought "I should have enough in my partner, I should not have sex with myself", then we often make our completely natural desire for self-sex and completely natural desire to ALSO feel when our partner is not there , completely wrong.

We can be ashamed and feel guilty that we can not "just" have sex with our partner. But the reality is just that the sex drive comes and goes and suddenly it is there, and one's partner is not there, and then it could be nice to touch oneself. And that's OK.
Because remember, the better you know yourself sexually, the easier it is often with the common sex, because you know what you like, how you want to be touched, etc.

But if we are ashamed that we have sex with ourselves, then it also becomes really hard to say out loud. And if we are getting help with the arousal via porn online, then it can be SO shameful that we get scared to say it to our partner. For what will he or she not say? Will she leave me? Will she judge me? (I judge myself in advance, so I probably expect to be judged) Will she think I'm groce ?

And in such a case, it often becomes "easier" to lie than to tell the truth. Is it OK? No, God, it's not okay to lie, but it can become a reality if your partner is afraid to tell the truth. And it seems that is the case.

And I'm also thinking if it's because he's lying about watching porn, that you've lost the desire for sex, or if it's because he's watching porn, you've lost the desire for sex?

Solosex usually does not go beyond the common sexuality, but in some cases you can experience that there is so much sex alone, for example. to porn, that it simply affects the partner's desire for shared sex - and THEN we have the trouble, because then porn becomes a substitute for real sex with a nice, soft and beautiful living woman.

There are also many different attitudes to porn, and I will in no way make myself a judge of whether it is healthy or unhealthy to watch, or whether one should watch it at all.

But I would like to say that if it ruins the relationship, then you should probably consider what it really is you want with your life. There is plenty of porn on the web - there is new porn all the time, and it can quickly become a "I just have to check whats new since yesterday", and you can quickly create a mild degree of addiction, just like with facebook, emails, reading blogs, etc.

It often happens that when you by chance "discover" that your partner is watching porn, you get upset and get thoughts in the direction that you are not "good enough" or "are sufficient enough", and that is completely natural. You can also think about whether you are about to get divorced, etc.

But often, it is really just an expression that your partner has his or her own sexuality, which does not really affect anyone but yourself. Of course, openness is preferable. And if couples could just talk about me having my sexuality, you have yours and then we have one in common and we have to take good care of all three, then the world would be a bit easier to live in, but that's rarely the case, and therefore, it often becomes the cause of conflicts, divorces, etc.

Maybe your husband knows you would be upset if he said, "Yeah, I watch porn a couple of times a week and I'm really having a good time with it." And maybe, that's what he's trying to avoid by lying. But maybe he should also say: "Honey, yes, I watch porn, but it says nothing about you not being hot or" enough "for me - I think you are great, and the sex we have, I enjoy ” But he does not. He is lying. And you become really insecure and upset and therefore lose the desire for sex, which is COMPLETELY natural.

But have you talked to him about the fact that you KNOW he's watching porn? And why is he lying about it? I can easily understand that such a conversation is really unpleasant, but do you really have any choice?

I would recommend you to confront him and tell him that you are upset that he is lying. And then ask him what he gets out of watching porn. Try to be curious about his motives, even though it is guaranteed to be very difficult - but why does he really watch it?

A clinical sexologist, couples councelor

Low sex drive in young women - can it really be true?

Yes, young women can easily experience that. I would actually go so far as to say that it is more normal than one might expect.

1) Are you tired?
Too little Sleep or lack of sleep is really a sex drive killer, and it even one of the really big ones.
When you sleep, your body recovers.
It is during your sleep that your body recharges, cleanses toxins and waste products, regenerates, digests the impression of the day and in general gets the battery charged.
"You can sleep when you grow old", you have probably heard several times, but you should not listen to it - what you should listen to instead is your body.
Your body is wise, and the more you listen AND respect what it tells you, as well as meet the needs it has, the more you can expect it to cooperate and give you what you want.
You can easily tolerate having a few days in a row where you do not get enough sleep, but then you must also return to the good rhythm.
Studies show that among young people between the ages of 18 and 29, it is approx. 1/4 who sleeps far too little. 19% in the study indicated that they sleep an average of 6 hours, and a further 5% that they only sleep between 0-5 hours a day!
"Lack of sleep / a general sleep deficit over a long period of time can mean a mess in the relationship between the resource hormone DHEA and the stress hormone cortisol.
DHEA is the precursor to all our sex hormones, but lack of sleep and increased stress in everyday life in general, means that it is used to produce stress hormones instead.
Which of course affects the sex drive "

What to do next:
If you are one of the many who get too little sleep, then there is actually only one thing to do, namely to start going to bed earlier. It's actually not much anymore. During a first week, you will already feel a renewed surplus and over the next few weeks, you will quietly feel the sex drive come back.

2) Are you stressed?
As a natural extension of the section on sleep, we now need to talk about stress.
If you experience stress symptoms just often enough, or if you have more than once within the last 24 hours .....
A recent report on "mental health of children and adolescents" showed, frighteningly enough, that the number of young women and men with anxiety, depression and stress has never been higher. The study also showed that the number of young women (16-24 years) who are often stressed has doubled in the period 2005-2013.

If you are busy for a while, it is rarely a problem, but if you start to experience definite stress and stress symptoms over a long period of time, then you should be aware that it can cause problems with sexual desire.

In addition, the sex hormone testosterone actually plays a role in women's sex drive, even though women on average only have 1/10 compared to men.
When we are very stressed and know that we should actually call our workplace and tell that we are sick, then the body is budy producing cortisol, which is the stress hormone that is produced when we go from busyness to stress - so to speak.

Cortisol and testosterone are built from the same building blocks, and the body actually considers cortisol to be most important. This is one of the reasons why both men and women can experience that the desire for sex disappears completely during a very stressful period.

Another reason why sex drive is affected during stressful period is actually also that stress takes place in the brain at the thought level and it is the thoughts that cause your body to react and run in extremely high gear. Your wise body really just cooperates with you and gives you a response to the thoughts you, more or less consciously, make you.

When your body is running in high gears and the engine is overheated, it can be difficult to just "cool the engine off" just because you lie down under the duvet.

In practice, this means that your body is still in stress alert when you go to bed, and in that state it is almost impossible for most people to experience the desire for sex because it does not make logical sense for the body to reproduce and go into pleasure-pussy-cuddle mode when she thinks she's on the run or needs to solve an important task.

What to do next:
If it is you who is stressed and with low or no sex drive, then you need to get your stress level down.

There are many ways you can do this.

Some find joy in meditation, some yoga, some take a few hours with a psychologist or therapist and are taught to "control the mind so the mind do not run wild", some report sick and pull the plug for a period, some change jobs, some work less hours per day, some start going to bed an hour earlier, to better handle the day's tasks.

One thing is for sure: make a plan and follow it. Find out what is stressing you and start dealing with those problems while giving your body the opportunity for recovery, then it should probably start going in the right direction, and often quickly.

3) How are you really doing?
As the study showed us, there are a lot of young women who are actually not feeling very well.

In addition, there are a lot of young women who struggle with both self-esteem and self-confidence, and who are constantly in doubt about whether " am I good enough" or "can I do this well enough".

All that uncertainty is thoughts that can drive one insane!

It's actually really hard to do something you really want to do if you constantly focus on "whether I'm good enough".

It does not matter if it is when you have fun with your girlfriends, ride a horse, go out and buy clothes, or you have sex with your partner.

If the thoughts are constantly grinding in the background, and you are basically insecure about yourself, well, then it actually often affects the desire to feel like going to bed with your boyfriend.

Because if I'm lying in the bed and am insecurel, I do not feel at all that I'm in any way nice enough or good enough for this, and it just ends up with a so-so experience anyway, where I still could not relax properly, well ....

So why have sex?
The body can simply start saying, "No, thank you - why should I go in for another bad experience, I just feel even worse with myself?"

"If you are unsure all the time about whether you are good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, delicious enough, then it can be really hard to feel what you really want.
Precisely because you are constantly focused on your thoughts, and not on the signals your body tells you - they are actually drowned out.
Seek a therapist and get your mind under control and regai confidence, and when it's in place, it also helps to be able to feel and react to the body's signals again. "

What to do next:
If you are struggling with your self-esteem and self-confidence and you very often have negative thoughts about yourself, then I would recommend that you commit then over the next 12 months, that should change.

4) Do you affect your hormones? (without knowing it)
Our hormones help to control our spontaneous sex drive, how quickly we become turned on, horny and "ready", but also how fast we are "ready for" and want sex again after the last sexual experience.

Namely birth control with hormones ...

Several studies in recent years show a picture (which both doctors and gynecologists have known for years), namely that some women actually lose the desire when they start taking birth control pills or taking other forms of birth control prevention with hormones.

According to doctor Marilyn Glenville, birth control pills reduce the amount of testosterone, and then we are left with the same trouble as with stress and lack of sleep.
At the University Hospital of Tübingen in Germany, a study was done of 1000 women's desire for sex. The women who took birth control pills generally had less desire for sex than all the other women in the study.
At the Sexological Clinic, Psychiatric Center Copenhagen, the cases have also been investigated. The first results have already been published in "The Journal of Sexual Medicine", these results show i.a. a link between the level of testosterone in the blood and sex drive.

What to do next:
If you suspect that it is your birth control that may be to blame for your low or lack of desire, then try to change the form of birth control prevention for a period of time and see if it has an effect.

5) Do you take antidepressant medication

it is important to know that the medicine can affect sexuality, and I have talked to a number of people afterwards, where the doctor just forgot to inform about this.

Just try to consider what it might mean for the life of the individual patient (maybe you) that the doctor forgot to state this!

The medicine can affect your ability to ejaculate and orgasm, your ability to get turned on and horny, your ability to lubricate (that is, get wet), and it can affect your ability to feel your desire.

There are many alternative forms of help for both anxiety and depression.

One could be MetaCognitive Therapy.

What to do next:
If you suspect that it is your medication that is affecting your sex drive, talk to your doctor about whether you can change brand, or whether it may be time to get a lower dose and test whether it has an effect. You can also consider whether there are other ways than using medications you want to work on your anxiety or depression.

6) Do you have problems in the relationship?

That we experience problems, solve them together as a team (even though it is sometimes difficult for dogs!), And come out on the other side - together - stronger.
Either you find it difficult in some way, or your partner does, or there are just some things in the relationship that you can not agree on, or that can not be decided, or something completely different, and that lies and rodents for a period of time.

But sometimes, one party in the relationship has some inappropriate ways of behaving - e.g. not wanting to take responsibility, for hurting the other, saying something that made you sad, etc.

Maybe your partner will not help solve the problems you are experiencing - but sticks his head in the sand.
Maybe your partner will not listen to you when you say that there is something you miss and seem uninterested in helping to meet your needs.
Maybe you do not feel loved at all.
Maybe your boyfriend would rather sit 5 hours in front of the computer every night than just occasionally watch a movie with you, have a good dinner, have a deep talk, go for a walk, go to bed early - or some other "you and me-time" "

There can actually be many really good reasons why you not only lose your sex drive, but that you lose the desire for your boyfriend. In fact, low sex drive in young women is often the result of a bad relationship that does not really move in a better direction even if you really try.

If your boyfriend makes you uneasy in some way, or you doubt if it really should be the two of you due to the state of the relationship, it can be really hard to feel like being intimate with him, and lying there in bed, naked , bare and vulnerable.

In fact, studies show that women's sexual desire is more influenced by psychosocial factors (eg whether they are comfortable in a relationship) than men's sexual desire. And of course you have to take that into account when you experience low sex drive.

What to do next:
Ask yourself the question: "Have I lost the desire for sex in general, or is it only the desire for my partner that I have lost?" - Consider whether there is "something" in your relationship that needs adjustments, something that really gets you going. Something you miss, want more of - or less of, for that matter. And then you have to insist that it be looked at. Maybe you can solve the problems yourself, maybe you need to drop by a couple therapist. But take responsibility for taking your relationship to the next level and explain to your boyfriend how your sex drive is affected by the state of your relationship.

7) If you have said "A", you must also say "B" - the syndrome
Am I allowed to say no?

What happens if I feel like it at first, but then I lose it - or actually do not bother anyway?

Sex should be enjoyable - sex is not, has never been and should not in the future be "something" you "just do" because you "should".

STOP!

Just try to make "the reverse" - would you want to have sex with your boyfriend if he really did not want to?

No, well!

It's true that you can feel good if you just give it a try - use your knowledge of your body and trigger your ignition and otherwise feel like being intimate with your partner - but sometimes, you really have no lust - and it's actually ok!

Many young women have learned that when you have said A, you must also say B ...

Therefore, you may have had a lot of sex that you did not really want - or that was uncomfortable for you, but you should "just get over with".

I can promise you that if you use that strategy, you will not feel like it in the long run ...

What to do next:
If you are one of the (many) young women who repeatedly have sex that you do not feel like, then you should practice saying "no thank you", and if it is really difficult for you, then I would recommend you to seek professional help. Remember that - sex should be great.
The nicer it is, the easier it is to say "Yes, thank you" - and the easier it is to feel that you want to take the initiative.

A clinical sexologist, phd, couples councelor

Tantric sex practice for beginners

youtu.be/nVeTFmT4gF8

What is Yin Sexuality?

Yin sexuality is a style of sex that is particularly attuned to women’s bodies and the feminine arousal system, but really great for everybody. A toolset of simple practices that support you to relax deeply during sex and intimacy, and how to share sex from this place with one another.

Most of us learn sex through stimulation and excitement, Yin sexuality is about the pathway to arousal through relaxation and accessing deep and profound pleasure states when the nervous system is down-regulated and on the safe side of the nervous system (ie when we are super relaxed and feel safe).
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It’s all about slowing down, re-awakening tenderness and subtle sensation, moving away from dynamic energy, ‘being with’ rather than ‘doing’, feeling the power in receptivity and being passive. Rather than 'doing' sex, we become immersed in the experience of relaxing into the body, sensations and pleasure and let sex do us.

Once we attune to the Yin energies within, we find the orgasmic waves that already exist within us. Once we soften and release tension, tightness and control we release what is masking our true nature, and so much more pleasure becomes available to us.
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We learn about finding movement in the stillness, cooling the energy - think of yin as the water and yang as the fire, we need both yin and yang in our sexuality, both fire and water, the problem is most of us don’t know, or aren’t as experienced in the ‘Yin’ style of sex and intimacy.
Yin Sexuality takes it’s roots from some neo-tantric practice and also blends and mixes with the latest neurological science around sex and relating.

How does it work?
The female arousal system needs safety, trust and relaxation to truly flourish, blossom and activate. We can feel pleasure through stimulation and excitement, but if over time this is not balanced with forms of sex that are restorative and relaxing we become depleted and start to feel sex as a drain on our energy.
This is often when (particularly) women complain and feel sex has become habitual, a chore and just one more thing on her to do list.

By learning how to relax the body deeply, by using breath and sound this gently regulates the nervous system to its parasympathetic response, opening the senses, awakening all the peripheral nerves (ie the whole body), and inviting in more sensation and ultimately pleasure.

Unprocessed emotional material that is stored in the body can sequence through the nervous system, releasing tension and making more space for deep and profound pleasure states that activate those delicious chemicals in the brain that create connection, intimacy and relaxed arousal.

How can it help me?
The foundations of Yin Sexuality include: Rejuvenation, Restoration and Relaxation.

Benefits range from physical and biological things like lowering stress levels, balancing hormones, to emotional and relational benefits like deeper connection to oneself and or partner/lover, to energetic benefits of deeper connection to sensation, feeling and subtle energy.

HSP and sex

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/42217/