meiii
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by meiii on Mar 20, 2022 2:42:14 GMT
I could be wrong for assuming but would any professional encourage him to dive straight into another intense relationship? The fact he has such strong feelings to now block me makes he feel he never took the time to heal or process us. Either way I know I shouldn’t care and I feel this is finally my acceptance stage. I notice you said here to mourn the relationship. The narrative I’m trying to stick with is that he did care for me and in that time he did feel all the things he said and did, but it became too much for him when the reality set it and he panicked as he always has. I tried the route of hating him and villianizing him and it doesn’t work. Now I realise why he acts like this and that he can’t help it, I feel much more empathy. Plus I know the connection we did have was real and I can’t believe he would have manipulated me in that way. Your instincts are right. There is no way any competent professional encouraged him to immediately dive into another romantic relationship. And that nonsense about him not being triggered by her -- that isn't on you. That's entirely on him. In all likelihood, she is more avoidant than he is, and he will eventually get triggered and it will all fall apart. But that isn't your problem. You do need to mourn the relationship. Your feelings were still real, and you felt there was potential there that didn't come to fruition. It is okay to mourn the idea of a lost future. You say you shouldn't care, and that's not true. There's no "should." You feel how you feel, you need to get through emotionally processing it, and the key here is to accept yourself at where you're at and be kind to yourself about it. It's okay! More than accepting what happened with him, work on accepting that it is okay for you to feel what you're feeling after a difficult situation. In my opinion, the biggest struggle caused by insecure attachment is the styles and defence mechanisms put up a huge mental block which makes fully emotionally processing anything impossible. That's true for all 3 insecure attachment styles. There's a thread on over- and under-coupling and what that means which I find very informative here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-responseHe's struggling with this, but he's responding to it by simply reacting to everything and not processing any of it. You are aware and trying to do your work, and it's a struggle, but keep at it. Healing trauma and earning secure doesn't happen on a set path in a set time. I've said before, it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 3 steps diagonal, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, 1 to the side, another step forward... but eventually, you'll come out in a different spot, and the spot you need to be, once you're ready. You just have to trust in yourself that you're in a process that will get you somewhere better, even if you can't see it or understand it yet. That's hard to do! But I'm out on the other side, and it's doable. I had no idea what I was looking for when I jumped into dealing with all my stuff, just that I'd eventually know it when I saw it. And, again, it took me 2 years to start getting somewhere, and there was still doubt and confusion, but there is a path forward. Many other people have shared these issues and gotten through it, and it's documented, so a good therapist will help even if it's not quick. But keep faith in yourself that you're on the right path, because you are. You're asking the right questions, and you're doing the right things. Learn more about the AP style, and things will eventually make more sense. It’s so good to hear that you went through this and came out of it and also learnt so much in the process. I still have some very unhealthy behaviour that I feel ashamed to tell my therapist at times and I know it’s not doing me any good harbouring it. I’ve realised how damn hard it is to address that there is something not right here so every time I feel this, it also gives me some thinking into why it’s equally as difficult for him to overcome his fear. I haven’t felt the urge to even date someone new as it’s just not in me to forget my emotions and pretend this didn’t happen. I’m supposed to go on a date for the first time since all this next week and I feel so unenthusiastic about it, like if he cancelled I’d be fine. You mentioned if someone is more avoidant, it still triggers an FA at some point? How does this work? I thought that they only get overwhelmed with the typical AP behaviour. I’m aware he seems to spend all his time with her, similar to how he did with me as he doesn’t have many friends but obviously not triggered yet. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 20, 2022 12:02:15 GMT
Your instincts are right. There is no way any competent professional encouraged him to immediately dive into another romantic relationship. And that nonsense about him not being triggered by her -- that isn't on you. That's entirely on him. In all likelihood, she is more avoidant than he is, and he will eventually get triggered and it will all fall apart. But that isn't your problem. You do need to mourn the relationship. Your feelings were still real, and you felt there was potential there that didn't come to fruition. It is okay to mourn the idea of a lost future. You say you shouldn't care, and that's not true. There's no "should." You feel how you feel, you need to get through emotionally processing it, and the key here is to accept yourself at where you're at and be kind to yourself about it. It's okay! More than accepting what happened with him, work on accepting that it is okay for you to feel what you're feeling after a difficult situation. In my opinion, the biggest struggle caused by insecure attachment is the styles and defence mechanisms put up a huge mental block which makes fully emotionally processing anything impossible. That's true for all 3 insecure attachment styles. There's a thread on over- and under-coupling and what that means which I find very informative here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-responseHe's struggling with this, but he's responding to it by simply reacting to everything and not processing any of it. You are aware and trying to do your work, and it's a struggle, but keep at it. Healing trauma and earning secure doesn't happen on a set path in a set time. I've said before, it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 3 steps diagonal, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, 1 to the side, another step forward... but eventually, you'll come out in a different spot, and the spot you need to be, once you're ready. You just have to trust in yourself that you're in a process that will get you somewhere better, even if you can't see it or understand it yet. That's hard to do! But I'm out on the other side, and it's doable. I had no idea what I was looking for when I jumped into dealing with all my stuff, just that I'd eventually know it when I saw it. And, again, it took me 2 years to start getting somewhere, and there was still doubt and confusion, but there is a path forward. Many other people have shared these issues and gotten through it, and it's documented, so a good therapist will help even if it's not quick. But keep faith in yourself that you're on the right path, because you are. You're asking the right questions, and you're doing the right things. Learn more about the AP style, and things will eventually make more sense. It’s so good to hear that you went through this and came out of it and also learnt so much in the process. I still have some very unhealthy behaviour that I feel ashamed to tell my therapist at times and I know it’s not doing me any good harbouring it. I’ve realised how damn hard it is to address that there is something not right here so every time I feel this, it also gives me some thinking into why it’s equally as difficult for him to overcome his fear. I haven’t felt the urge to even date someone new as it’s just not in me to forget my emotions and pretend this didn’t happen. I’m supposed to go on a date for the first time since all this next week and I feel so unenthusiastic about it, like if he cancelled I’d be fine. You mentioned if someone is more avoidant, it still triggers an FA at some point? How does this work? I thought that they only get overwhelmed with the typical AP behaviour. I’m aware he seems to spend all his time with her, similar to how he did with me as he doesn’t have many friends but obviously not triggered yet. I think it is good that you focus on yourself and your grieving process and not get back into the dating pool until you have had a chance to really explore with your therapist and learn some new tools. I had the exact same issue with my therapist initially where I felt ashamed and afraid of judgement…but she has reminded me that she is there as my advocate and as such, there is nothing I should feel ashamed to discuss with her. Having that approach has really opened a lot of good discussion. |
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Post by anne12 on Mar 20, 2022 12:20:57 GMT
You first get ready to date a new person on the mental level. Many people starts dating at this level after a break up from a close relationship. They think that they are ready, when they ask themselves: "Am I ready to date yet ?": yes or no If it's a yes = Then go! But maybe they are not ready on the emotional level. Or maybe they are not ready on the instinctive level. We have to finish our relationship with our ex on all 3 levels. Healing your broken heart: (all attatchment styles): Sometimes it can bee a good thing, to heal a broken heart, before you can move on in your life. There is something called "broken heart syndrome". The broken heart can stem from an old relationship from many years ago. Also from the relationship with one of your parents ect. Put your hand on your heart and comfort your heart. Also comfort your inner child. Work with a broken heart in 3 levels: (maybe you have to only work with only one of the 3 levels) The mental / the cognetive level: What has happend in the relationship ? Why did it end ? What was my own tribute ? What was my ex´s tribute ? (There can be anger, sadness ect.) It can be that, you diden´t had the chance to repair, because you or your ex ended the relationship. It can be that you expected to grow old and having kids with this person, but it ended, so you couldent get your needs and wants met with this person. (Women often walk alone with their thougts about being discatisfied in the relationship, and suddenly they can end the relationsship, which gives your partner a chock. Even if it was you, who ended the relatiohsship, your heart can be broken.) That the relationship ended because of death. If you or your partner cheated ect. can also cause a broken heart. The broken heart can also stem from an old relationship from many years ago. The emotional level: Exercise: Think of your ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend. Maybe you know which hartbreake, that blocks you from moving on. Say the persons name out loud. What happens in your your body, when you think/say the persons name? Which sensations and / or feelings: Sensations: Nausia, contractions, headacke, tightnes ect. Feelings: Frustration, sadness ect. And where: In your stomac, your heart, your throath ect.? The body never lies. Your body will tell you, how you feel now with that situation. (The avoidant can have trouble feeling the feelings/the bodysensations) It is normal to grieve and to be sad. Maybe you diden´t give yourself permission to be sad and to feel all your feelings ect. You can use the paradoxial change method, to help you to accept your sadness, the anger and other feelings that comes up. The moment you are able to allow the feeling, the mood or the state to be there, as it is - it can change. When we experience negative feelings, moods or states, we would like to change these. But the urge can give a battle inside. The paradoxical change method is, to change without struggle: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-methodThere is often also some anger. The relationsship dident work out, as you wanted. Anger is a natural feeling. Use Leonard Jacobsens angermeditation and the two chair exercise to get you anger transformed into lifeenergy, so that you can move on. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/The instinctive level: (unconsious level- survivel instincts - reptile part of the brain) The body and the nerveussystem. The part you can not control - created in your childhood and maby also later in your life. Fight, flight, freeze. When you can not fight or flee, you go into freeze mode. Your attatchment style, shows how you bond. This part of the brain, chooses who you attract. As a child, you do not choose your attatchment style. The old part of the brain, do not know the difference between the past, the precent and the future. What is love for you (inprinted in your nerveus system from your childhood) ?: Calming, relaxing, happyness, loving, carring, belonging, connection, stability, trusting ect ? Or fear, abandoment, overwhelming, unpredictable, needyness, crossing of boundaries, shame, not safe, lonelyness ect. ? Look at in the general forum on how to heal the different kinds of attachment styles. You can also look at the watertank exercise. Release the pressure and the blocks in the nerveus system to be able to move on. Calming/landing your state of alert! (sometitmes it can be difficult to sence, but you can sometimes feel it/it often kicks in, in stressfull situations) Work with a therapist, who knows how to work with the instinctive level (SE). Treat you heart as an broken arm: Put it in a bandage. Put your hand on your heart, and comfort your heart. Give your heart some rest - do not date again too soon, but grieve aso. It can take some time. Open your heart slowly, and train your heart muscle again by trying dating ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-heart |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 20, 2022 12:21:53 GMT
If she is more avoidant then him…he likely is more on the anxious side of his attachment….which likely is interpreted as pursuit/interest…however, over time as they get to know each other and as he starts to feel the relationship is imbalanced…he will likely become triggered. I know the FA attachment still confuses you….but think of it as a swing that goes back and forth between anxious and avoidance. This is why it is very challenging to have a long term relationship with an unaware or aware but not interested in changing FA.
You may also read about avoidant leaning or anxious leaning FAs….this has to do with the overall preference in partner. I am an anxious leaning FA…so I tend to be attracted to avoidant leaning FAs. Let me know if you need any additional details.
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meiii
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by meiii on Mar 20, 2022 13:34:39 GMT
It’s so good to hear that you went through this and came out of it and also learnt so much in the process. I still have some very unhealthy behaviour that I feel ashamed to tell my therapist at times and I know it’s not doing me any good harbouring it. I’ve realised how damn hard it is to address that there is something not right here so every time I feel this, it also gives me some thinking into why it’s equally as difficult for him to overcome his fear. I haven’t felt the urge to even date someone new as it’s just not in me to forget my emotions and pretend this didn’t happen. I’m supposed to go on a date for the first time since all this next week and I feel so unenthusiastic about it, like if he cancelled I’d be fine. You mentioned if someone is more avoidant, it still triggers an FA at some point? How does this work? I thought that they only get overwhelmed with the typical AP behaviour. I’m aware he seems to spend all his time with her, similar to how he did with me as he doesn’t have many friends but obviously not triggered yet. I think it is good that you focus on yourself and your grieving process and not get back into the dating pool until you have had a chance to really explore with your therapist and learn some new tools. I had the exact same issue with my therapist initially where I felt ashamed and afraid of judgement…but she has reminded me that she is there as my advocate and as such, there is nothing I should feel ashamed to discuss with her. Having that approach has really opened a lot of good discussion. I have a session on Wed which I feel could be an emotional one. The last session we discussed how I had possibly reached my rock bottom in terms of with my ex. I had reached out saying I missed him and couldn’t understand why he chose to try with someone else, he responded by blocking me. I was devastated. This weekend I saw him with his new partner and as said, I spiralled by messaging. This was definitely my rock bottom, I don’t think I could feel lower than if he was to have told that to my face that he doesn’t ever want to hear from me again. It hurts so much that he just went to resenting me when in Dec he was the one who wanted so badly to stay friends. I know my therapist is always trying to turn this focus back to me but I’m still finding it difficult to not make it about him. |
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meiii
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by meiii on Mar 20, 2022 13:38:28 GMT
You first get ready to date a new person on the mental level. Many people starts dating at this level after a break up from a close relationship. They think that they are ready, when they ask themselves: "Am I ready to date yet ?": yes or no If it's a yes = Then go! But maybe they are not ready on the emotional level. Or maybe they are not ready on the instinctive level. We have to finish our relationship with our ex on all 3 levels. Healing your broken heart: (all attatchment styles): Sometimes it can bee a good thing, to heal a broken heart, before you can move on in your life. There is something called "broken heart syndrome". The broken heart can stem from an old relationship from many years ago. Also from the relationship with one of your parents ect. Put your hand on your heart and comfort your heart. Also comfort your inner child. Work with a broken heart in 3 levels: (maybe you have to only work with only one of the 3 levels) The mental / the cognetive level: What has happend in the relationship ? Why did it end ? What was my own tribute ? What was my ex´s tribute ? (There can be anger, sadness ect.) It can be that, you diden´t had the chance to repair, because you or your ex ended the relationship. It can be that you expected to grow old and having kids with this person, but it ended, so you couldent get your needs and wants met with this person. (Women often walk alone with their thougts about being discatisfied in the relationship, and suddenly they can end the relationsship, which gives your partner a chock. Even if it was you, who ended the relatiohsship, your heart can be broken.) That the relationship ended because of death. If you or your partner cheated ect. can also cause a broken heart. The broken heart can also stem from an old relationship from many years ago. The emotional level: Exercise: Think of your ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend. Maybe you know which hartbreake, that blocks you from moving on. Say the persons name out loud. What happens in your your body, when you think/say the persons name? Which sensations and / or feelings: Sensations: Nausia, contractions, headacke, tightnes ect. Feelings: Frustration, sadness ect. And where: In your stomac, your heart, your throath ect.? The body never lies. Your body will tell you, how you feel now with that situation. (The avoidant can have trouble feeling the feelings/the bodysensations) It is normal to grieve and to be sad. Maybe you diden´t give yourself permission to be sad and to feel all your feelings ect. You can use the paradoxial change method, to help you to accept your sadness, the anger and other feelings that comes up. The moment you are able to allow the feeling, the mood or the state to be there, as it is - it can change. When we experience negative feelings, moods or states, we would like to change these. But the urge can give a battle inside. The paradoxical change method is, to change without struggle: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-methodThere is often also some anger. The relationsship dident work out, as you wanted. Anger is a natural feeling. Use Leonard Jacobsens angermeditation and the two chair exercise to get you anger transformed into lifeenergy, so that you can move on. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/The instinctive level: (unconsious level- survivel instincts - reptile part of the brain) The body and the nerveussystem. The part you can not control - created in your childhood and maby also later in your life. Fight, flight, freeze. When you can not fight or flee, you go into freeze mode. Your attatchment style, shows how you bond. This part of the brain, chooses who you attract. As a child, you do not choose your attatchment style. The old part of the brain, do not know the difference between the past, the precent and the future. What is love for you (inprinted in your nerveus system from your childhood) ?: Calming, relaxing, happyness, loving, carring, belonging, connection, stability, trusting ect ? Or fear, abandoment, overwhelming, unpredictable, needyness, crossing of boundaries, shame, not safe, lonelyness ect. ? Look at in the general forum on how to heal the different kinds of attachment styles. You can also look at the watertank exercise. Release the pressure and the blocks in the nerveus system to be able to move on. Calming/landing your state of alert! (sometitmes it can be difficult to sence, but you can sometimes feel it/it often kicks in, in stressfull situations) Work with a therapist, who knows how to work with the instinctive level (SE). Treat you heart as an broken arm: Put it in a bandage. Put your hand on your heart, and comfort your heart. Give your heart some rest - do not date again too soon, but grieve aso. It can take some time. Open your heart slowly, and train your heart muscle again by trying dating ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-heartThank you for this. I read it and I definitely don’t feel I’m ready to be involved with anyone at this point. At least not for anything serious but then I also don’t know how to do casual. The only good I see if I go on dates is that I’ll forget my ex, this has always worked for me in the past when I have someone else to focus on or to give my attention to. Writing it out even sounds unhealthy but I really don’t know how I can move on from. My thoughts are still obsessive and erratic  |
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meiii
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by meiii on May 3, 2022 0:56:39 GMT
After my initial post, I took some time to try and heal and ruminate less. I thought I made some progress, I definitely feel less triggered by him. However last night my worst suspicions and fears were confirmed, my ex has moved in with his new partner. From what it sounds like, 3 months after meeting her. Part of me knows this is crazy but part of me also thinks that maybe he wasn’t as FA as I thought if someone who told me they couldn’t commit is able to do it now. I know I shouldn’t let this affect me but I’m really struggling and scared this will derail the work I’ve put in on focusing on me.
If anyone who has been through similar as the ex partner or the FA, I do hope you could shed some light. I’m really genuinely confused how he can get past all the fears he previously had or is this being suppressed? This has just been constantly playing on my mind so much it’s making it hard to move on from figuring this out. I know he moved in with her shortly after my last interaction with him where I confronted his actions/intentions and whether he was ready to be in a healthy relationship (I’m not proud of how I reacted here) and he told me his new partner didn’t make him anxious like previously.
A few things that don’t make sense. My ex truly loved his last apartment and the area he lived in, he really made it his home and we spent a lot of time there when we were together. It just seems so out of character for him to up and move to a completely new area, it feels like he just merged into this new persons life
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Post by sunrisequest on May 3, 2022 11:10:22 GMT
Hi meiii , I had a read back of your experience with your ex and there's a lot about it that is similar to my relationship with my Ex FA (he leans anxious which sounds similar to your ex?). You can read it on my past thread if you like. In hindsight I can see the anxious side of my ex's attachment was activated when he wasn't 100% sure of whether I was fully committed or not... but once it was time to step the relationship up another notch, his avoidant side kicked in and he ran for the hills. My ex also said a lot of similar things throughout our time about me being his dream woman, loving me deeply, wanting a future with me, but then he would also say I deserved someone better and a lot of shame would surface for him in moments where we needed to talk about the relationship or after he had deactivated... I think in some scenarios this was him testing me, to see how I really felt about him, but I think he was actually getting some realisation about his patterns in relationships, which he said have always been difficult for him. Anyway, fast forward to our breakup - he initially said the same thing, that he couldn't be in any relationship for quite some time because he needed time to work on himself... then after changing his mind and trying to get me back for a few weeks he completely finished it kind of out the blue. I since found out he overlapped my relationship and went straight into something else. This is all conjecture, but what I think may have happened is that he was totally overwhelmed by the amount of work he realised he needed to do in order to make any real changes, and he was feeling a huge amount of pressure. He probably knew he was eventually going to lose me anyway because I was telling him I wanted this vulnerable, open, supportive, healthy relationship, and although I think this is what he wanted too, I think he knew deep down he just couldn't give it to me. I think he needed a story that helped him make sense of his hot and cold behaviour, and he settled on a reason that was about me... and he sort of alluded to the fact that he just needed to find the right person who would put up with all of his traits, and that he didn't want to be in a relationship that required work. It seemed that he had stopped looking at the idea that he had some serious self-worth and anxiety and fear issues to face, and decided that for the right person, these repeating patterns simply won't show up. I think he told himself that he simply hadn't met the right person because losing me was an easier thing to deal with than facing himself. If your ex leans anxious, he may have a hard time being alone and is anxiously drawn to being in a relationship, which may explain the quick rebound. He probably hasn't shifted any of his fears... and remember that moving so quickly at the beginning is also based in fear and anxiety a lot of the time. Also the truth is, some dynamics will create more anxiety than others. My ex felt a lot of anxiety around me, I could see that - but I think that was a combination of him liking me so much that he was scared of f***ing it up and losing me, and also because I held a mirror up to him a lot of the time as I'm a really open communicator and I don't sweep things under the carpet... potentially to the point where I could dial it back a little bit tbh, but that's another story and something I'm going to work on in my next relationship. As others said earlier in this thread, an avoidant person would allow lots of things to go unsaid for a longer period of time, they'd also keep an anxious leaning FA on their toes for much longer - but eventually it would come out and blow up. My Ex-FA used to be married to an avoidant for a while, but it sounded like it was highly toxic in the end, and his anxiety was through the roof. I am so tempted to pick apart the reasons why my ex said one thing, only to do something completely different the next. There was a massive disconnect between his words and his actions. It makes you wonder what was real and what wasn't. But I really do believe that people do tend to mean expressions of love in the moments that they say them. I know my ex really did love me, but it was so complicated for him. It's better we're not together... he couldn't meet my needs, and I couldn't meet his either (which would have been to ignore any shitty behaviour, support him without being supported back, and not mind regular periods of disconnection without any explanation). There were moments where I felt I loved him enough to try and do anything to keep him, but sorry, that's not what I'm looking for. That kind of relationship would be pure abandonment of myself. What our ex's do after us is kind of nothing to do with us any more, not related to our sense of worth or our deservingness of love. I hope you can find the focus back on yourself and not let this new information throw you off balance for too long. |
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on May 3, 2022 14:06:26 GMT
Welcome meiii I am sorry you are going through all this and I know it must be hard and hurt on a very deep level. Sending positive thought and support your way! As an avoidant FA I will point out a huge part of the AP avoidance is by focusing on the other person. If you are AP and he leaned AP, at first it probably felt amazing but as he was looking to escape himself by focusing on you, you probably weren't letting this happen as you stayed AP and would always redirect to focusing on him.so over time it may have gone from a bonding similarity to trigger of mistrust or self-doubt. The other core thing I notice from my side of the DA AP thing is that the fear of abandonment in the AP leads to testing and projecting. If he is still is unaware of his side he may still be chasing this doubt and fear thst avoidants provide by being unavailable, providing that escape to blame the other person and focus solely on them, while you may have been bring up things about himself he was trying to escape as your escape...and that might have been to hard for him. Hopefully you feel better soon! Focus on yourself and understanding your needs and some thing you could work on as an AP to get those needs met in a healthy way will be the biggest step you could take to moving forward and I know that there are many here that have gone through or are going through similar situations so they is a lot of good information and support here. |
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meiii
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by meiii on May 4, 2022 13:48:25 GMT
Hi meiii , I had a read back of your experience with your ex and there's a lot about it that is similar to my relationship with my Ex FA (he leans anxious which sounds similar to your ex?). You can read it on my past thread if you like. In hindsight I can see the anxious side of my ex's attachment was activated when he wasn't 100% sure of whether I was fully committed or not... but once it was time to step the relationship up another notch, his avoidant side kicked in and he ran for the hills. My ex also said a lot of similar things throughout our time about me being his dream woman, loving me deeply, wanting a future with me, but then he would also say I deserved someone better and a lot of shame would surface for him in moments where we needed to talk about the relationship or after he had deactivated... I think in some scenarios this was him testing me, to see how I really felt about him, but I think he was actually getting some realisation about his patterns in relationships, which he said have always been difficult for him. Anyway, fast forward to our breakup - he initially said the same thing, that he couldn't be in any relationship for quite some time because he needed time to work on himself... then after changing his mind and trying to get me back for a few weeks he completely finished it kind of out the blue. I since found out he overlapped my relationship and went straight into something else. This is all conjecture, but what I think may have happened is that he was totally overwhelmed by the amount of work he realised he needed to do in order to make any real changes, and he was feeling a huge amount of pressure. He probably knew he was eventually going to lose me anyway because I was telling him I wanted this vulnerable, open, supportive, healthy relationship, and although I think this is what he wanted too, I think he knew deep down he just couldn't give it to me. I think he needed a story that helped him make sense of his hot and cold behaviour, and he settled on a reason that was about me... and he sort of alluded to the fact that he just needed to find the right person who would put up with all of his traits, and that he didn't want to be in a relationship that required work. It seemed that he had stopped looking at the idea that he had some serious self-worth and anxiety and fear issues to face, and decided that for the right person, these repeating patterns simply won't show up. I think he told himself that he simply hadn't met the right person because losing me was an easier thing to deal with than facing himself. If your ex leans anxious, he may have a hard time being alone and is anxiously drawn to being in a relationship, which may explain the quick rebound. He probably hasn't shifted any of his fears... and remember that moving so quickly at the beginning is also based in fear and anxiety a lot of the time. Also the truth is, some dynamics will create more anxiety than others. My ex felt a lot of anxiety around me, I could see that - but I think that was a combination of him liking me so much that he was scared of f***ing it up and losing me, and also because I held a mirror up to him a lot of the time as I'm a really open communicator and I don't sweep things under the carpet... potentially to the point where I could dial it back a little bit tbh, but that's another story and something I'm going to work on in my next relationship. As others said earlier in this thread, an avoidant person would allow lots of things to go unsaid for a longer period of time, they'd also keep an anxious leaning FA on their toes for much longer - but eventually it would come out and blow up. My Ex-FA used to be married to an avoidant for a while, but it sounded like it was highly toxic in the end, and his anxiety was through the roof. I am so tempted to pick apart the reasons why my ex said one thing, only to do something completely different the next. There was a massive disconnect between his words and his actions. It makes you wonder what was real and what wasn't. But I really do believe that people do tend to mean expressions of love in the moments that they say them. I know my ex really did love me, but it was so complicated for him. It's better we're not together... he couldn't meet my needs, and I couldn't meet his either (which would have been to ignore any shitty behaviour, support him without being supported back, and not mind regular periods of disconnection without any explanation). There were moments where I felt I loved him enough to try and do anything to keep him, but sorry, that's not what I'm looking for. That kind of relationship would be pure abandonment of myself. What our ex's do after us is kind of nothing to do with us any more, not related to our sense of worth or our deservingness of love. I hope you can find the focus back on yourself and not let this new information throw you off balance for too long. Thank you for taking the time to write this, you really did help me calm down and clear my head a little. I feel like our experiences were very similar. It always still freaks me out when complete strangers go through the exact same scenarios with similar partners. I’ve been trying so hard to hate my ex but I know deep down that what you also said about your ex is also same for me. I believe in those moments my ex really did care for me so much but his fear did take over everything. Suppressing his feelings and making up a story to justify why we wouldn’t work. In his current state, though I’m not sure what he feels but I know it’s no longer my issue and I shouldn’t even try to. It’s just hard though seeing him try with someone new yet he couldn’t even with me and not feeling like I wasn’t good enough |
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meiii
New Member
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Post by meiii on May 4, 2022 13:55:42 GMT
Welcome meiii I am sorry you are going through all this and I know it must be hard and hurt on a very deep level. Sending positive thought and support your way! As an avoidant FA I will point out a huge part of the AP avoidance is by focusing on the other person. If you are AP and he leaned AP, at first it probably felt amazing but as he was looking to escape himself by focusing on you, you probably weren't letting this happen as you stayed AP and would always redirect to focusing on him.so over time it may have gone from a bonding similarity to trigger of mistrust or self-doubt. The other core thing I notice from my side of the DA AP thing is that the fear of abandonment in the AP leads to testing and projecting. If he is still is unaware of his side he may still be chasing this doubt and fear thst avoidants provide by being unavailable, providing that escape to blame the other person and focus solely on them, while you may have been bring up things about himself he was trying to escape as your escape...and that might have been to hard for him. Hopefully you feel better soon! Focus on yourself and understanding your needs and some thing you could work on as an AP to get those needs met in a healthy way will be the biggest step you could take to moving forward and I know that there are many here that have gone through or are going through similar situations so they is a lot of good information and support here. Thank you. It’s been 4 months with my therapist and I still feel like I’m not getting anywhere in terms of moving on from him. She thinks I’m still resisting, as if a part of me still wants to cling onto him. I feel like if I could make sense of his behaviour it might help me move on a little? I just found it crazy that someone who admitted they have struggled with commitment had found it sensible to move in with someone after 3 months. It’s hard to not believe he either lied to me or he’s literally lost his mind in this this new relationship. |
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rykus9
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Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on May 4, 2022 15:32:29 GMT
It seems to me that for the AP folks the hardest time with breakups and healing is rejection and that there is some thing in this other person that is the cause or the reason and if you had just known and changed they wouldn't have rejected you.
For the DA it seems they reject the attachment and them blame themselves and if they would have just been able to be better or do something different it could have worked but that they are broken and will never be able.
I do think you are overlooking a lot of signs and trying to tell a narrative that is hurtful to yourself.
It is highly unlikely he changed at all, and if he does stay longer it is probably because she more closely matches a trauma he is reliving not because they are happier and going to live a fulfilling and loving partnership, or that he or yourself could have been that for each other without some work and patience.
Also notice that a common theam is glorifying the connection and the person.
I would maybe make a pros and cons list of all the things you liked or disliked. Aspects in your life they fit in or didn't etc.
I found when I actually thought about some of the people that rejected me that I thought I loved, that I really didn't know them that well and because of it I was able to love the idea of them much longer than if I actually knew them well and saw more of their faults and negative aspects I learned in longer less turbulent relationships.
Sending positive and healing thoughts your way!
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Post by sunrisequest on May 4, 2022 22:09:57 GMT
I agree with rykus9 that actually sitting down and writing down the truth of the situation is a very grounding process. It can help you to keep hold of the truth as your emotions continue to move all around the place. I definitely am going through a swing of emotions in this breakup, which were all triggered again when I found out about the overlapping, but I have noticed that when my nervous system is calm and I'm relaxed, the truth is so easy to see and I believe it wholeheartedly. I also had to be really strict with myself not to look at social media or photos or old messages etc, as this is what keeps me dialled into anxiety and old thought patterns, feeling a sense of longing and regret and confusion... Yes, it's hard to see someone you loved with someone else, but it's definitely not related to you not being good enough. The fact those thoughts pop up in your head is perhaps an indication that the area you could work on is your self-worth and confidence. Rather than spending the energy on trying to understand him, perhaps you could spend that same energy on understanding and loving yourself? I also agree with rykus9 that we can tend to romanticise the connection we had with our partners. There is no denying the connection I had with my ex was electrifying... at times... but there were also a lot of things about our relationship that worried me, annoyed me, that didn't click perfectly... he sometimes said really hurtful things that are beyond what I have ever experienced in a partner, and the level of stress I felt during all the back and forths was so unhealthy for me. I wrote all of it down throughout the relationship, and I do refer back to it to remind me of the fact that I knew it wasn't really right even from the beginning. Learning to listen to what I know to be true a bit earlier on is my goal from here. I really hope you can find ways to turn the story around to see that his decision to move on with someone else is nothing to do with you and your worth. And he most likely didn't lie to you about his feelings - I think if you check in with yourself, you know when he was being genuine and when he wasn't. But the direction he's taking now is serving him in some way. Most likely to avoid his own pain... there are many things that may sit underneath it, but none of them are about you. |
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meiii
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by meiii on May 5, 2022 0:54:46 GMT
It seems to me that for the AP folks the hardest time with breakups and healing is rejection and that there is some thing in this other person that is the cause or the reason and if you had just known and changed they wouldn't have rejected you. For the DA it seems they reject the attachment and them blame themselves and if they would have just been able to be better or do something different it could have worked but that they are broken and will never be able. I do think you are overlooking a lot of signs and trying to tell a narrative that is hurtful to yourself. It is highly unlikely he changed at all, and if he does stay longer it is probably because she more closely matches a trauma he is reliving not because they are happier and going to live a fulfilling and loving partnership, or that he or yourself could have been that for each other without some work and patience. Also notice that a common theam is glorifying the connection and the person. I would maybe make a pros and cons list of all the things you liked or disliked. Aspects in your life they fit in or didn't etc. I found when I actually thought about some of the people that rejected me that I thought I loved, that I really didn't know them that well and because of it I was able to love the idea of them much longer than if I actually knew them well and saw more of their faults and negative aspects I learned in longer less turbulent relationships. Sending positive and healing thoughts your way! Can I ask what you mean by when you said ‘she more closely matches a trauma he is reliving?’ Wouldn’t that be a bad thing? I’m confused why he’d be drawn to that. I know that there wasn’t really anything I could have changed. I was the most open and genuine version of myself that i had ever been with him, he really did manage to bring that out of me and I was so happy. Even when we broke up he said it wasn’t anything I did or anything I didn’t have that he’s looking for. But it doesn’t change the fact that he seems to have found it with someone else. |
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meiii
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by meiii on May 5, 2022 0:59:12 GMT
I agree with rykus9 that actually sitting down and writing down the truth of the situation is a very grounding process. It can help you to keep hold of the truth as your emotions continue to move all around the place. I definitely am going through a swing of emotions in this breakup, which were all triggered again when I found out about the overlapping, but I have noticed that when my nervous system is calm and I'm relaxed, the truth is so easy to see and I believe it wholeheartedly. I also had to be really strict with myself not to look at social media or photos or old messages etc, as this is what keeps me dialled into anxiety and old thought patterns, feeling a sense of longing and regret and confusion... Yes, it's hard to see someone you loved with someone else, but it's definitely not related to you not being good enough. The fact those thoughts pop up in your head is perhaps an indication that the area you could work on is your self-worth and confidence. Rather than spending the energy on trying to understand him, perhaps you could spend that same energy on understanding and loving yourself? I also agree with rykus9 that we can tend to romanticise the connection we had with our partners. There is no denying the connection I had with my ex was electrifying... at times... but there were also a lot of things about our relationship that worried me, annoyed me, that didn't click perfectly... he sometimes said really hurtful things that are beyond what I have ever experienced in a partner, and the level of stress I felt during all the back and forths was so unhealthy for me. I wrote all of it down throughout the relationship, and I do refer back to it to remind me of the fact that I knew it wasn't really right even from the beginning. Learning to listen to what I know to be true a bit earlier on is my goal from here. I really hope you can find ways to turn the story around to see that his decision to move on with someone else is nothing to do with you and your worth. And he most likely didn't lie to you about his feelings - I think if you check in with yourself, you know when he was being genuine and when he wasn't. But the direction he's taking now is serving him in some way. Most likely to avoid his own pain... there are many things that may sit underneath it, but none of them are about you. That is a good idea, I did try this at the start and the bad list about him was longer than I expected but I never really examined it again. However when I think back there weren’t tons of moments that I disliked and never anything hurtful, there were def a few red flags more around his past relationships but overall no huge icks though I wish there were. I guess if I had more bad things about his character then it would be a little easier. Maybe he was just never his true self, we didn’t have a single argument which made we think we were doing just fine. |
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