Post by rykus9 on May 5, 2022 1:29:44 GMT
One of the things I picked u early in my time here is that our attachment issues come from the trauma we felt as children, and it's not only the way we react that is shaped by this ( the avoidant seeking to control by withdrawing and seeking validation from self and the anxious wanting to control by communicating and seeking validation in others) but what we subconsciously seek in close relationships.
As an avoidant we are drawn to anxious people because it reaffirms our beliefs that others are needy and smothering, or are drawn to the negative interaction because it is a cycle we lived in as children, so although we are uncomfortable it is a familiar discomfort that we are probably very desensitized to from our youth.
As an anxious you felt abandoned and probably took on some of thst blame, so you find partners that just need a bit of work or overlook some signs a stable person would not because on a subconscious level either you feel sympathy towards them from being over empathetic to an abusive or neglectful parent, or maybe are trying to fix a situation you are re living from a childhood and not be abandoned.
The catch for us both is this perpetuates the cycle. You chose someone who because of his trauma feels easily smothered and overwhelmed and put all your energy into him and being supportive how you would want. Then were hurt when he was oblivious or he felt overwhelmed and couldn't communicate so he left because that is his safety. Where as your safety was in focusing on him and not being abandoned so your smothering and being "to good of a partner" led to him feeling unsafe and unable to meet your high level of relating. Wich leads to you feeling abandoned and unsafe .it all is a big loop. The FA flip back and forth so they can be even more confusing but we all flip flop in different ways that instigate the others.
As an avoidant we are drawn to anxious people because it reaffirms our beliefs that others are needy and smothering, or are drawn to the negative interaction because it is a cycle we lived in as children, so although we are uncomfortable it is a familiar discomfort that we are probably very desensitized to from our youth.
As an anxious you felt abandoned and probably took on some of thst blame, so you find partners that just need a bit of work or overlook some signs a stable person would not because on a subconscious level either you feel sympathy towards them from being over empathetic to an abusive or neglectful parent, or maybe are trying to fix a situation you are re living from a childhood and not be abandoned.
The catch for us both is this perpetuates the cycle. You chose someone who because of his trauma feels easily smothered and overwhelmed and put all your energy into him and being supportive how you would want. Then were hurt when he was oblivious or he felt overwhelmed and couldn't communicate so he left because that is his safety. Where as your safety was in focusing on him and not being abandoned so your smothering and being "to good of a partner" led to him feeling unsafe and unable to meet your high level of relating. Wich leads to you feeling abandoned and unsafe .it all is a big loop. The FA flip back and forth so they can be even more confusing but we all flip flop in different ways that instigate the others.