Post by mossystone on Mar 22, 2022 18:49:51 GMT
Hello! I'm currently in the process of making sense of my recent breakup as I found out that my partner is likely an FA. I'm mostly DA (I've got an autism and adhd diagnosis so that might explain why) but in this relationship I was AP according to my therapist. I'm also a trans man and bisexual.
My partner is female, but they've been question their gender identity for quite some time now and use the label non-binary. They show symptoms of gender dysphoria, they dislike their body and voice and they feel more comfortable in men's clothing and when people see them as a man or androgynous. They also have several Anxiety (possibly AvPD) and depression. We are both in our early 20s and we called each other best friends because we had an incredible connection. Sometimes I felt like they could be on the spectrum, too.
We are in a Long Distance relationship and got to know each other last year in February and met for the first time in October. We wanted to meet again in February this month, but we couldn't due to lockdown. Anyway, they fell deep into a identity crisis and depressive episode last month. They quit their new job last october and were looking for a new job but out of the sudden some past trauma reappeared. They lost a family member years ago and were never able to process it. This is probably the main trigger for their crisis and depression, because they suddenly changed. They became distant... passive aggressive... They used their interests for cartoons as a place to escape, they watched them all the time and talked about them and were fixated on them. And out of the sudden, in late February this year, they told me that they don't like me romantically anymore despite getting me a nice valentines card ten days earlier. They even said that they're incredibly happy that I'm in their life because I helped them explore their identity and supported them in every way.
This left me very confused, understandably. We talked about it... And they confessed to me that they still love me, but not in this way. The following are some quotes they wrote in the last eight weeks (I only translated them):
- "How could you even love someone if you hate yourself so much."
- "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, look at me, I'm not mature enough"
- "I understand if you hate me because of this..."
- "My sex drive is nonexistent, thinking about attraction makes me kinda uncomfortable"
- "I want to be with you but at the same time I wanna be alone. I want to hold onto you, but at the same time I want to let you go"
- "Sometimes my mind tells me stuff and I'm stupid enough to believe them. It tells me that you will go away someday"
- "My mom tells me that I'm sometimes snappy and I don't like that. I feel bad afterwards"
-"I don't give up easily, but why should I fight for this relationship if I don't feel those feelings anymore?"
The weirdest thing is, that they're also questioning their identity again. She suddenly feels comfortable as a girl again and that she thinks that she's a lesbian. She used to identity as bisexual up until last month, so that came really as a surprise for me. And I'm really sad, because she literally is a completely different person and I'm worried about her. Reading about AvPD and attachement theory made me think that this might be a deactivation, self-sabotage or protest behavior, honestly. I even asked them if it could be a coping mechanism and they didn't know, but they acknowledged the possibility. Right now we're on NC (almost two weeks now) because I obviously love her, but I don't wanna give myself false hope when we talk as friends.
Does anyone know something about the connection of fearful avoidancy and a queer identity? I would really appreciate it, it's quite interesting to study this whole thing.
My partner is female, but they've been question their gender identity for quite some time now and use the label non-binary. They show symptoms of gender dysphoria, they dislike their body and voice and they feel more comfortable in men's clothing and when people see them as a man or androgynous. They also have several Anxiety (possibly AvPD) and depression. We are both in our early 20s and we called each other best friends because we had an incredible connection. Sometimes I felt like they could be on the spectrum, too.
We are in a Long Distance relationship and got to know each other last year in February and met for the first time in October. We wanted to meet again in February this month, but we couldn't due to lockdown. Anyway, they fell deep into a identity crisis and depressive episode last month. They quit their new job last october and were looking for a new job but out of the sudden some past trauma reappeared. They lost a family member years ago and were never able to process it. This is probably the main trigger for their crisis and depression, because they suddenly changed. They became distant... passive aggressive... They used their interests for cartoons as a place to escape, they watched them all the time and talked about them and were fixated on them. And out of the sudden, in late February this year, they told me that they don't like me romantically anymore despite getting me a nice valentines card ten days earlier. They even said that they're incredibly happy that I'm in their life because I helped them explore their identity and supported them in every way.
This left me very confused, understandably. We talked about it... And they confessed to me that they still love me, but not in this way. The following are some quotes they wrote in the last eight weeks (I only translated them):
- "How could you even love someone if you hate yourself so much."
- "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, look at me, I'm not mature enough"
- "I understand if you hate me because of this..."
- "My sex drive is nonexistent, thinking about attraction makes me kinda uncomfortable"
- "I want to be with you but at the same time I wanna be alone. I want to hold onto you, but at the same time I want to let you go"
- "Sometimes my mind tells me stuff and I'm stupid enough to believe them. It tells me that you will go away someday"
- "My mom tells me that I'm sometimes snappy and I don't like that. I feel bad afterwards"
-"I don't give up easily, but why should I fight for this relationship if I don't feel those feelings anymore?"
The weirdest thing is, that they're also questioning their identity again. She suddenly feels comfortable as a girl again and that she thinks that she's a lesbian. She used to identity as bisexual up until last month, so that came really as a surprise for me. And I'm really sad, because she literally is a completely different person and I'm worried about her. Reading about AvPD and attachement theory made me think that this might be a deactivation, self-sabotage or protest behavior, honestly. I even asked them if it could be a coping mechanism and they didn't know, but they acknowledged the possibility. Right now we're on NC (almost two weeks now) because I obviously love her, but I don't wanna give myself false hope when we talk as friends.
Does anyone know something about the connection of fearful avoidancy and a queer identity? I would really appreciate it, it's quite interesting to study this whole thing.