Can someone with knowledge on this please help me?

Hello Yasmin,

For what I have read in your post, you are dealing with a person who has a fearful attachment style. If they have little sense of self awareness, they will always blame the failure of the relationship to the fact that they picked the wrong person.
His fear of being trapped is a consequence of an early trauma, where he was forced to give emotional support in a role that was not the one he was supposed to play. This contributes to create a dismissive person.

(for the record: he took good care of you when you were sick because you were not expecting this from him. In a different scenario, when you expect him to be there for you, he will dissapear. It is the pressure they feel from the expectation. Somebody in his past has forced him to be supportive, perhaps his mother, that is why he flees from the role if he does not choose it for himself).

His fear of being rejected talks about a previous experience where he has been rejected or abandoned for being himself. This hurts and he is trying to protect himself from another rejection. He sees 2-3 women at the time because it feels like an insurance against rejection. Even if one walks away, he is not abandoned to be on his own.

You need to take responsibility for opening the doors to him again. Red flags are there for you to turn on your heels and walk in the opposite direction. Block him if he would just pursue contact. But alright, this is already in the past, and there is nothing you can do about it except learning from your mistakes.

Walk away. Stop justifying him. He is already doing that for himself. He will only change if he becomes aware of his shortcomings, confronts his own traumas and pain, seeks professional help and actually puts it into practice. Even then, it may take him years and perhaps another couple of victims before he can revert to being secure.

I am sure you are emotionally invested and all this reasoning will only resonate in you after some weeks or months. For the moment, your emotions will keep you hooked to him and your story. Force yourself to detach, even if it means to spend a month in a beach without a phone or access to the world.

You need to detach emotionally in order to make the right decision. Be smart. We are different from the animals. Be smart. Use your higher brain functions.

yasmin - you are now in the Twilight Zone that a lot of us here know very well. I felt the exact same way when I realized what the problem was with the avoidant I know, and I still feel that way somewhat today. It is like an alternate universe to those who are accustomed to feeling and talking emotion. I know he felt frustrated with the fact that I didn't just see it as a difference but as a limitation. It's been really hard to banish from my mind.

I really appreciate the replies here. I admit, I am a secure person normally but this situation honestly left me feeling so baffled and bamboozled that I actually went for a psychic reading to try and figure it out - which should give an indication of how confused it made me feel.

Can I just ask a few questions if people don't mind answering for me?

Question 1) Does being avoidant cause a person to pull you closer and then do something to drive you away and act like it was your fault? Every time we had become close to actually committing or being happy, he has done something really hurtful like a total 180 in behavior. For example disappearing completely on me, picking a big fight when we were having a lovely time or letting me know he had a date with someone else.

Question 2) Does being an avoidant cause a person to see potential partners in a negative light? I have never dated anyone before where they seemed to make me feel so inadequate before! I almost felt like saying "well if you think I am so sub-standard, why are you always calling me?!!!".

Question 3) Can anyone tell me why he seems to find it easier to spend consistent / extended time with other women compared to me? I know he has a few FWB situations where he spends a LOT of time with the person, sees them every week, spends the night / whole weekend with them over a period of several months and he doesn't freak out. With me he has NEVER been able to spend consistent or extended time with me. He completely freaks out at any closeness with me and we've never spent the night together.

Question 4) Can anyone tell me if you think you can be friends with someone like this? I feel terrible about this because he has been obviously upset and wants to change / feel better and I don't like to walk away from a person in pain but at the same time I am not happy with being made to feel like everything is my fault. I think he genuinely believes in his head that he would change / commit / be fine for the "right woman" and I find that pretty offensive and hard to be around.

It's a very sad and painful situation. I've rarely been emotionally shaken this way by anything; break ups have been sad, but this is different - it feels like being a little traumatised.