Post by anne12 on Apr 13, 2022 13:40:37 GMT
Complaints get a bad rap these days. We often associate them with the bad fight we just had with our partner or that friend who keeps going on and on about their terrible job or that angry person who just left the worst Yelp review ever.
But here’s the really cool thing about complaints that most people don’t know:
Complaints are actually beautiful clues from our system that our needs aren’t getting met.
The problem is that we often experience complaints in a state of dysregulation, meaning that we’re communicating them in a self-protective, reactionary way. It can be difficult to decipher our need from the complaint because it’s getting lost in the delivery.
So, the person on the receiving end of our complaint will also become dysregulated, because their system’s threat detector is saying, “Woah, that’s not safe! We gotta defend ourselves!”
And when we’re both dysregulated, we’re essentially seeing the other person as our enemy (and more often than not, being reminded of a similar dynamic in our childhoods),
and, as you can probably imagine, our needs can’t be met when we’re in the middle of an epic battle.
So, let’s talk about what to do instead and how we even go about figuring out what our needs are!
#1: When you notice a complaint coming up for you, turn toward regulation first (something that brings you into the present).
#2: Once regulated, ask yourself: What is this complaint telling me that I’m needing?
Here are some examples of what the unmet need might look like:
Complaint: “It’s so annoying that my friend looks at their phone while I’m talking to them.”
→ Need: I want to feel heard.
Complaint: “I’ve been putting in so many extra hours at work and my boss doesn’t even care!!”
→ Need: I want to feel acknowledged and valued.
Complaint: “I hate when my partner changes plans on me at the last minute.”
→ Need: I want my time and schedule to be considered.
#3: Keep practicing understanding what your needs are and really feeling into them. How would it nurture you to have that need met? Would it help you feel less alone? Loved? Seen? Supported?
What’s important to remember is that when we go to communicate our needs, we ALWAYS want to do it from a place of regulation.
That sends the green flag to the other person’s threat detector, essentially saying, “I’m not here to harm, I’m here to connect!”, which supports them in being receptive to hearing and meeting our need(s).
But here’s the really cool thing about complaints that most people don’t know:
Complaints are actually beautiful clues from our system that our needs aren’t getting met.
The problem is that we often experience complaints in a state of dysregulation, meaning that we’re communicating them in a self-protective, reactionary way. It can be difficult to decipher our need from the complaint because it’s getting lost in the delivery.
So, the person on the receiving end of our complaint will also become dysregulated, because their system’s threat detector is saying, “Woah, that’s not safe! We gotta defend ourselves!”
And when we’re both dysregulated, we’re essentially seeing the other person as our enemy (and more often than not, being reminded of a similar dynamic in our childhoods),
and, as you can probably imagine, our needs can’t be met when we’re in the middle of an epic battle.
So, let’s talk about what to do instead and how we even go about figuring out what our needs are!
#1: When you notice a complaint coming up for you, turn toward regulation first (something that brings you into the present).
#2: Once regulated, ask yourself: What is this complaint telling me that I’m needing?
Here are some examples of what the unmet need might look like:
Complaint: “It’s so annoying that my friend looks at their phone while I’m talking to them.”
→ Need: I want to feel heard.
Complaint: “I’ve been putting in so many extra hours at work and my boss doesn’t even care!!”
→ Need: I want to feel acknowledged and valued.
Complaint: “I hate when my partner changes plans on me at the last minute.”
→ Need: I want my time and schedule to be considered.
#3: Keep practicing understanding what your needs are and really feeling into them. How would it nurture you to have that need met? Would it help you feel less alone? Loved? Seen? Supported?
What’s important to remember is that when we go to communicate our needs, we ALWAYS want to do it from a place of regulation.
That sends the green flag to the other person’s threat detector, essentially saying, “I’m not here to harm, I’m here to connect!”, which supports them in being receptive to hearing and meeting our need(s).