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Post by tnr9 on Apr 19, 2022 3:17:01 GMT
I know I have raised this topic before…and I plan to go deeper with my therapist….but I am still struggling with a lack of tools and find myself resorting to old patterns when dealing with anger. I find that my go to is to hold anger and then let it ripple onto the road via judgements towards other drivers. This is not a healthy approach and I am looking for more mature ways to own and express this rather taboo emotion (as in it did not feel ok to be angry as a child, thus I never really have learned the ways to own and properly address it). Even stating it here….I am automatically starting to cry. That is how unacceptable anger has felt.
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 19, 2022 3:20:36 GMT
Can you elaborate a bit? What happens when you find yourself getting angry? Are you concerned about the expression of it, letting go of it ? That you feel too much of it?
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 19, 2022 4:41:41 GMT
Can you elaborate a bit? What happens when you find yourself getting angry? Are you concerned about the expression of it, letting go of it ? That you feel too much of it? When I get angry, embarrassed or ashamed…I have the exact same reaction…I start to cry and then I feel myself regress. It is the expression of anger that is the issue. To elaborate….when my parents got divorced….it did not feel safe or ok to be angry….because our mom was going through so much. Anger was perceived to be selfish and so instead…it was more important to be there to comfort our mom…if that makes any sense at all. So I learned to deflect anger elsewhere…..not sure I am doing the best job of expressing it. |
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 20, 2022 3:23:55 GMT
Hmmm, I am stuck on this same thing. When I was in my teens/early 20s I had an explosive anger. We are talking throwing things, insults, slamming doors, etc etc etc. I would calm down and be so embarrassed but it never stopped it from happening again. My ex would rarely if ever get mad back. We had an understanding to hug me until I calmed down but sometimes I was so mad I would go and lock myself in a room and sulk. I don't know how or why but my anger morphed. I could no longer really feel it. Maybe for a split second but holding that anger was impossible. Instead like you I jump start to the pain under it, and start to cry. Then it just disappears and I can't connect with it. But sometimes I need that anger because I need to hold a boundary etc and without it I just can't feel a need to protect myself. I used to think it was a good thing that my anger disappeared but then I realized I also lost the ability to have healthy anger about people who hurt me.
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 23, 2022 1:56:02 GMT
Have you ever read Harriet Lerner’s book, Dance of Anger? She has interesting things to say about this topic.
In my experience, I think anger is rarely the real emotion at play. It’s just a signifier of another underlying emotion… sadness, fear etc.
Digging down to find what the underlying emotion is, and why it’s sitting there… and deciding whether you need to take any action on it or not… i.e. setting a boundary with someone… is often enough to let the anger dissolve somewhat.
I’m planning on getting Brene Browns new book Atlas of the Heart actually for this reason… I don’t always have the language to express the actual emotion I’m feeling. I always seem to come back to the same couple of basic emotions, but when I’m feeling the type of anger you’re talking about, it sometimes feels more nuanced than that and I also wish I could unpack it a bit better.
One thing I’ve learned to do that does help is that when I have identified whatever emotion It is that I’m feeling, I’ll try and find where it’s sitting in my body… it’s often in my chest, but sometimes it’s my gut or somewhere else. I’ll put a hand on it, and just say the emotion, and gently feel into it and breathe into it… and after a few minutes I’ll visualise letting it flow out of my body. We can store emotions in our bodies and they just stay there and sometimes we need some somatic work to let it all go. Forgive me if this is all old news to you!!
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