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Post by tinnat on Apr 25, 2022 19:23:24 GMT
In a situationship for the last few months, and my FA man started therapy some months ago. What pattern does healing tend to take? I have reason to believe that he started therapy to get over his “fear of getting hurt again”.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 25, 2022 21:17:29 GMT
His therapy has no bearing on you at this point. Especially since you're not in a long-term or fully committed relationship. It's great that he's going for himself, but it can take years to move past and heal the issues that cause insecure attachment. Especially FA, which is the most complex. Going to therapy because you don't want to get hurt again also is going out of fear, not out of a desire to change and grow, so mileage may vary. Someone needs to be ready to change and help themselves for therapy to work. It also depends on the skill level and experience of the therapist. So we cannot predict how therapy will work for him.
All that matters here is whether or not he shows up for you in the way you want and need. If you want a serious and stable relationship, then someone offering you a situationship isn't going to meet your needs because there's an incompatible mismatch in where you're both at. A few months of therapy isn't going to change that.
If you're not getting that and you stay in this situation, what is causing you to prioritize his perceived needs over yours? Especially when you are mind reading and guessing because he doesn't communicate well with you? Do you think you deserve better? Do you have an AP or anxious-FA style yourself? Digging into your side of things will be a lot more constructive for you, as what he does is entirely out of your control. Which is why all that matters is if he's meeting your needs or not and you're happy, the rest is noise at this point.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2022 22:48:11 GMT
In a situationship for the last few months, and my FA man started therapy some months ago. What pattern does healing tend to take? I have reason to believe that he started therapy to get over his “fear of getting hurt again”. To be honest, people who start to heal generally move on from the dysfunctional entanglements that they engaged in prior to becoming healthy. My prediction for this individual getting therapy and inviting you to a serious relationship: 0% chance based on never ever having heard of this scenario in real life or any forum. Even if it happened, it's clear that you are looking for signs in this that are based on your own fantasy and investment. This is an indication that your emotional health is questionable, and you aren't any more likely than he to create a successful relationship where you're at. |
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 26, 2022 4:15:28 GMT
In a situationship for the last few months, and my FA man started therapy some months ago. What pattern does healing tend to take? I have reason to believe that he started therapy to get over his “fear of getting hurt again”. To be honest, people who start to heal generally move on from the dysfunctional entanglements that they engaged in prior to becoming healthy. My prediction for this individual getting therapy and inviting you to a serious relationship: 0% chance based on never ever having heard of this scenario in real life or any forum. Even if it happened, it's clear that you are looking for signs in this that are based on your own fantasy and investment. This is an indication that your emotional health is questionable, and you aren't any more likely than he to create a successful relationship where you're at. That is what I was thinking. While healing, things often get worse before they get better and once you heal enough those same things you found attractive before start to turn you off. You'll notice a ton of insecures end up in long distance relationships that have no end in sight, this isn't a coincidence. I read a book on co-dependency and she said that if one side strides towards emotional health the relationship becomes unstable and either falls apart or the other partner has to step up to. Because it was both people contributing to it. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 26, 2022 4:29:14 GMT
My ex-partner started going through therapy during our relationship to deal with his co-dependency and childhood stuff (he's FA), and it was a huge mistake for me to think it would just be an upwards trajectory from there. As Username mentioned above, it got way worse, the can of worms was opened, and it completely overwhelmed him being in a relationship at the same time. It's now over between us, but it hasn't escaped my notice that I played a huge part in wanting and encouraging him to look at his issues... subconsciously because I wanted him to be healthy enough for our relationship to actually work because I didn't want to lose him... which is actually an insidious form of control over another person. His healing journey needs to be on his terms and on his timeframe. It really is true that you need to take people where they are currently at, and figure out if you're okay with that.
I'd suggest that if you don't already have a strong base in the relationship, it could be very difficult to last the distance if he starts making real changes. And also as suggested above, it really does need to be both people growing at the same time.
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Post by tinnat on Apr 26, 2022 7:47:06 GMT
My ex-partner started going through therapy during our relationship to deal with his co-dependency and childhood stuff (he's FA), and it was a huge mistake for me to think it would just be an upwards trajectory from there. As Username mentioned above, it got way worse, the can of worms was opened, and it completely overwhelmed him being in a relationship at the same time. It's now over between us, but it hasn't escaped my notice that I played a huge part in wanting and encouraging him to look at his issues... subconsciously because I wanted him to be healthy enough for our relationship to actually work because I didn't want to lose him... which is actually an insidious form of control over another person. His healing journey needs to be on his terms and on his timeframe. It really is true that you need to take people where they are currently at, and figure out if you're okay with that. I'd suggest that if you don't already have a strong base in the relationship, it could be very difficult to last the distance if he starts making real changes. And also as suggested above, it really does need to be both people growing at the same time. Sunrisequest, can you give examples of what "real changes" could be expected? I am happy to put in work to grow too, but my main problem is that he is just not able to communicate with me about "us", although he is ok with being vulnerable with me about himself. Go figure. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 26, 2022 8:54:55 GMT
My ex-partner started going through therapy during our relationship to deal with his co-dependency and childhood stuff (he's FA), and it was a huge mistake for me to think it would just be an upwards trajectory from there. As Username mentioned above, it got way worse, the can of worms was opened, and it completely overwhelmed him being in a relationship at the same time. It's now over between us, but it hasn't escaped my notice that I played a huge part in wanting and encouraging him to look at his issues... subconsciously because I wanted him to be healthy enough for our relationship to actually work because I didn't want to lose him... which is actually an insidious form of control over another person. His healing journey needs to be on his terms and on his timeframe. It really is true that you need to take people where they are currently at, and figure out if you're okay with that. I'd suggest that if you don't already have a strong base in the relationship, it could be very difficult to last the distance if he starts making real changes. And also as suggested above, it really does need to be both people growing at the same time. Sunrisequest, can you give examples of what "real changes" could be expected? I am happy to put in work to grow too, but my main problem is that he is just not able to communicate with me about "us", although he is ok with being vulnerable with me about himself. Go figure. Have you considered that to him, right now, there is no “us” in your situation…which is why he is fine talking about himself. I think it is fine to learn about others’ experiences….but it is important to note that they may have been in a fully defined relationship with their partner. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2022 12:10:58 GMT
If he's not sharing intention to progress to relationship there is no intention to progress to relationship. If a man wants a relationship and is capable of a relationship he will let you know in clear terms, he will court you, he will initiate contact, and he will not avoid the topic. If those things aren't happening nothing is happening.
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 26, 2022 12:29:03 GMT
Sunrisequest, can you give examples of what "real changes" could be expected? I am happy to put in work to grow too, but my main problem is that he is just not able to communicate with me about "us", although he is ok with being vulnerable with me about himself. Go figure. I can only really speak about my own experience of facing my attachment and childhood wounds... everyone is different and I'm AP, which is potentially less complex than for an FA. But for me it was a very confronting process that went on over a couple of years and really I had to go to rock-bottom before I could start moving up again. This process included the end of an almost 20-year relationship and me shedding all of the toxic things in my life and building from there to become more secure. It was a long process and it's still very much ongoing. But when someone starts looking closely at the fabric of their lives, it can cause everything to come tumbling down first and then you have to re-build it the way you want it to be. That's pretty hard at the very beginning of a relationship, and certainly so for a connection that is not a committed or exclusive relationship. The idea of growing together is one that takes a lot of trust and commitment to staying together even when it gets really rocky throughout the healing process. Cos it will be very rocky if major changes are to be made. Not being able to talk about your relationship is a pretty big red flag in my opinion... especially if it's present from the beginning. Definitely a good time for you to figure out what your own expectations are of a healthy relationship. |
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